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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that friends partner doesn't want her and the children visiting us?

59 replies

NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 17:39

I've lived on a small commune on a farm for several years with my DC. My youngest is at the local primary where he has some good friends and I'm friendly with some of the parents, particularly one mum who I'm quite close to. She has visited us often and I've looked after her DC a few times, we've been out for drinks together etc.

Her DP of about 3 years moved in with her recently. His DC stay regularly but aren't at the same school. I've met him in passing a few times and found him ok but fairly uninterested in me which is fine.

It's my birthday next week and I'm having some people round in the evening for a barbecue and drinks. The people I live with will obviously also be there as will all the children who live here.

My friends DP has told her he "won't stop her going" but that he isn't coming, his DC aren't allowed to visit my home, and he disapproves of her bringing her DC round here Confused

This because he has heard that it's a commune, has decided it's therefore full of unemployed drunks and weed smokers (this is patently untrue, plus I happen to know he takes coke at weekends so wtf with the judgemental crap anyway?) and not a suitable place for children to visit.

The only person he's ever met who lives here... is me Hmm WTF?

OP posts:
QOD · 05/06/2019 17:43

Who do you live with ?
Lots of multi aged people? A partner ? Several ?
See none of us in general know anything about communes apart from from films
I’d be uncertain about my young kid going to one to be fair

Hoppinggreen · 05/06/2019 17:46

Well exactly, the only person he’s met who lives there is you. He has no idea who else will be there.
When your child usually goes to a friends house it’s a parent or 2 and maybe siblings, a commune is a bit different
He may be making assumptions but in one way I can see his point, I suppose it’s as if you lived in a HMO

Goldenhedgehogs · 05/06/2019 17:47

This isolating his new partner from existing friends with trumped up moralistic reasons is classic domestic abuser behaviour. Your friend is going to need a good friend that will stick by her even when she drifts off as I think she will for a while. Don't fall out with her over this as that is exactly what the abuser wants.

tensmum1964 · 05/06/2019 17:51

I assume the commune you live on is inhabited by like minded people as oppose to a religious cult like set up. If so his response is ridiculous.

hmsvictory · 05/06/2019 18:03

Sorry. I'd think cult too but I watch too much tv

Apolloanddaphne · 05/06/2019 18:09

Well he can stay at home and mind his own DC while your friends brings her DC to your BBQ. He sounds very narrow minded.

Pinkvoid · 05/06/2019 18:13

As soon as I read commune I thought of a cult, maybe he has the same notion.

Original poster
NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 18:13

It's not religious :)

And I tell a lie because he has met one of the other people - she works in the local post office! And she is a perfectly normal nice human being.

Plus, he should trust the judgement of his partner IMO. She trusts me and my home to be a safe place for her DC!

OP posts:
KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 05/06/2019 18:15

I'd think he was a judgemental tWat.

But I have friends who live on a sort-of commune on a farm just outside the Welsh border. It's amazing there.

Unfortunately, the media over the years has only portrayed cult-like, drug-infested everyone-in-your space places when presenting a commune.

This guy is either/ and/ or extremely prejudiced, possibly abusive, naive, just in idiot.

ElizaPancakes · 05/06/2019 18:17

I want to live with you OP. I’d love to live on a commune.

Hahaha88 · 05/06/2019 18:19

I think it's very narrow minded and he should come and see for himself what it's like. He doesn't necessarily need to bring his kids to the BBQ if he's worried about what bad impressions might be presented to them. But then, and only then, will be be in a position to make an informed decision about the commune

overnightangel · 05/06/2019 18:23

It’s up to him where his children go

ReanimatedSGB · 05/06/2019 18:24

I'd immediately assume he was abusive, as well. He's just moved in with her and suddenly he's forbidding her to take her children somewhere? What he's saying is that he doesn't trust her judgement: she knows you, likes you, will have some idea of what your home is like just from spending time with you, but he Knows Best despite having barely met you.

Yes, there is this media-peddled idea that communes are full of drug-addled hippies having group sex and dancing about in the scud, or peculiar religious cults, and this may be true of some, but I would be inclined to think that most are just practical set-ups and consist mainly of house meetings about whose turn it is to do the washing up and can people please remember what day they should be putting the bins out...

BettysLeftTentacle · 05/06/2019 18:28

I don’t know the answer to your question OP although I agree it sounds like the relationship is likely to turn abusive.

Can I come and live with you though? Grin

Original poster
NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 18:33

Lol at putting the bins out. It's like you've been here SGB Grin

Thing is, he doesn't want to meet us. He had the opportunity many times - he's always made excuses before but this time he actually told her he didn't think she should come either. He has made up his mind that we are unfit company and isn't interested in finding out for himself that we aren't Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCatsOnTheTable · 05/06/2019 18:35

And yes, I think he's borderline abusive in several small but significant ways, and have no intention of falling out with her no matter what he does.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/06/2019 18:37

YANBU to be pissed off, but as you can see from some of the other posts here, there are people who can't see past their own prejudices everywhere.

Coyoacan · 05/06/2019 18:40

I'd immediately assume he was abusive, as well. He's just moved in with her and suddenly he's forbidding her to take her children somewhere? What he's saying is that he doesn't trust her judgement: she knows you, likes you, will have some idea of what your home is like just from spending time with you, but he Knows Best despite having barely met you

This

It's not about you, it is his attitude to her that is concerning.

cosytoaster · 05/06/2019 18:43

YANBU - It would actually be an ideal opportunity for him to visit and see what it's like.
I agree that he sounds controlling and potentially abusive.

Cheeserton · 05/06/2019 18:47

Wait, what? The guy doesn't want to go to a commune, presumably because he's a bit of a prejudiced twat, and suddenly it's 'abuse'? Bloody hell. That's a leap and a half.

79andnotout · 05/06/2019 18:49

Yeah he doesn't really sound like a catch. I'd be well up for getting an invite to a commune to see how it operates, and as long as there was nothing dodgy, it would be great to show the kids other ways of doing things.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/06/2019 18:53

One of my best friends is from the traveller/showmen community, we met at work many moons ago, lots of our colleagues were produced and narrow minded too, and were shocked I was happy to visit her home and got on with her family, it's their loss, she's amazing.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/06/2019 18:54

Sorry my point was there are a lot of small minded, bigoted people in this world, their prejudice really limits them and in this case his children too.

Barbie222 · 05/06/2019 18:58

Do you think he has concerns about you or the people you live with? Commune implies a shared sort of world without doors so he may be worried that strangers are having access to his kids, if you all live together. From a safeguarding point of view communal living setups always get the hard stare don't they.

DowntonCrabby · 05/06/2019 19:00

He can feel however he wants about himself and his own DC but please tell us your friend will stand up to any “disapproval of her choices” crap!

He sounds like a controlling prick. She obviously knows you well and what your living situation is like.

I’m totally intrigued by the way, please do an AMA!