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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'll hurt someone either way?

70 replies

EnglishBulldogLover34 · 05/06/2019 12:33

My friend of 20 years lives abroad (the last 10 years maybe) and his stepdad passed away last night. My friend is home, the wake is in the family home tomorrow night and the funeral is on Friday afternoon.

My friend from work for the last 3 years is getting married on Friday at the same time as the funeral and I'm invited for the whole day; getting a lift from a colleague as I don't drive. The wedding is a 2 and a half hour drive from here with no direct public transport link to the venue.

Do I let my 20 year friend down by only going to the wake? Or do I let my 3 year friend down by saying I can't go to her wedding? I don't want to hurt anyone and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 05/06/2019 12:35

Go to the funeral, your friend needs your support.
Any decent person will understand that supporting someone in their moment of need must always come above cheering someone else on in their moment of happiness.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2019 12:37

Go to the wake tomorrow and the wedding on Friday.

Artnan · 05/06/2019 12:42

The funeral of a friend's stepfather seems a rather distant connection - unless you were in close contact with the stepfather. Would your friend of 20 years really expect you to change your plans? Presumably, you accepted the wedding invitation some time ago?
If it were me, I'd attend the wedding.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 05/06/2019 12:42

Go to the wake/visit your friend tomorrow.

Go to the wedding.

Owlbert · 05/06/2019 12:43

I would go to the funeral. Explain to your friend and offer to pay for your wedding meal if you can, but any good friend should understand.

ElevenOhFive · 05/06/2019 12:44

I would go to the wake tomorrow and then to the wedding on Friday. I would expect your friend of 20 years to appreciate that you are supporting him by coming to the wake, and your non-attendance at the funeral is for good reason - I don’t think he would want you to change your plans. Does he have other close family and friends to support him on the day of the funeral? If so, I think it is fair enough to go to the wake only.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/06/2019 12:45

I would think your friend from work would appreciate that a funeral is a very valid reason to miss her wedding.

I think the need to support your friend of 20 years at the funeral trumps going to a wedding, assuming you knew your friend's stepdad.

Although the wedding venue is 2.5 hours away as you are invited to the whole day is there not a way you could put in an appearance on the evening?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/06/2019 12:45

Make sure your bereaved pal is ok. If she needs you there. ..go.

To me, if this was a close relationship. ..not all step parents are guns drawn. ...I would go to the funeral/ or maybe your pal is ok seeing you before after the funeral

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/06/2019 12:46

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

Teddybear45 · 05/06/2019 12:48

I don’t think the friend who has lived abroad for 10 years would expect your support at his stepdad’s entire funeral, would he? Even if upset I’m sure there are people he has been around in the last 10 years who now would be closer to him.

In this situation as you already committed to the wedding and it’s paid for (and I doubt you would be needed at the funeral) I would go to the wedding.

janetforpresident · 05/06/2019 12:49

I don't think you should miss a friend's wedding for the funeral of another friend's relative unless you had a particularly close relationship with the step dad.

The wedding that you have already rsvp'd to takes priority. You can go to the wake so there is no reason for your friend to be hurt.

drinkygin · 05/06/2019 12:49

I would go to the wedding. You can support your friend by going to the wake.

lorribella · 05/06/2019 12:51

As op said you should go to the wake and then on Friday go to the wedding.

I don't think you being at the funeral will make much difference to your friend grieving and assume you don't know the stepfather too well. You made a commitment to go to the wedding, to be fair if my friend did not attend my wedding last minute because they were going to a funeral for a man they don't really know to support a friend they had not seen it years I would be a bit Hmm. That's being honest. If it was someone you knew and were grieving for then that's totally different.

Go to the wedding, you are of no benefit at the funeral which I'm guessing will last about an hour or so

MaverickSnoopy · 05/06/2019 12:56

I think it depends on several factors. What other support does your bereaved friend have and how close was he to his step father? If they need support then you need to be there. If you can't quite pitch it I would actually discuss it with your bereaved friend and see what they say.

buoyancyade · 05/06/2019 12:57

I'd go to the wedding. Emotional support can be given around the funeral. Could you even plan to visit your friend in a few weeks once the dust settles and people tend to need more support?

DerelictWreck · 05/06/2019 13:01

You go to the wedding. It will be of more value to your friend to have you at the wake than the funeral anyway, and you've already committed to the wedding.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/06/2019 13:05

To be honest your friend may be really busy at the funeral dealing with everything and everyone and may not even have time to speak to you.

I'd go to the wedding but check in with friend and make sure they are ok.

DishingOutDone · 05/06/2019 13:07

Wake, wedding and then see your friend at their convenience after the funeral because its afterwards that everyone normally buggers off and leaves the grieving family to it. I think that would be a lovely gesture. Go round another day and sit and talk about the person who died, ask them about their memories and memorials.

thegreatcrestednewt · 05/06/2019 13:07

I'd go to the wake, go to the wedding, but keep in contact with your friend and arrange to see him after the funeral, when everyone has gone and he may be feeling worse.

Brakebackcyclebot · 05/06/2019 13:07

I would go to the wake tomorrow and wedding on Friday.

Storytell · 05/06/2019 13:08

What do you actually want to do, OP?

Boysey45 · 05/06/2019 13:08

I'd go to the wedding, your friend who lost his dad will have other friends and family to support him.

TixieLix · 05/06/2019 13:08

If your friend lives abroad then I would make an assumption you did not see their stepfather on a regular basis (did you know the stepdad at all?) If the deceased was someone you knew well, and your friend needs the support, then go to the funeral. However, if you didn't know the stepdad well/at all, and your friend has plenty of other support on Friday, then just attend the wake to pay your respects and go to the wedding. Send your friend a heartfelt message on Friday to say you're thinking of them and wishing them strength as they say their final goodbyes. Only you can judge based on the relationships you have and the support network available.

BigDamnHero · 05/06/2019 13:09

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

Hmm

There's always one!

Jaxhog · 05/06/2019 13:10

I'd go to the wake, go to the wedding, but keep in contact with your friend and arrange to see him after the funeral, when everyone has gone and he may be feeling worse.

This.

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