To think I'll hurt someone either way?

[EnglishBulldogLover34]

My friend of 20 years lives abroad (the last 10 years maybe) and his stepdad passed away last night. My friend is home, the wake is in the family home tomorrow night and the funeral is on Friday afternoon.

My friend from work for the last 3 years is getting married on Friday at the same time as the funeral and I'm invited for the whole day; getting a lift from a colleague as I don't drive. The wedding is a 2 and a half hour drive from here with no direct public transport link to the venue.

Do I let my 20 year friend down by only going to the wake? Or do I let my 3 year friend down by saying I can't go to her wedding? I don't want to hurt anyone and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best.

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

My DD's DP doesn't drive, clearly he's a lazy sod who can't be arsed to bother learning such a basic life skill; oh no, wait a minute, he's epileptic and isn't allowed.

Maybe the pp who posted that should think before posting. After all thinking is a basic life skill, isn't it?

@pigsDOfly - no need to be rude. Driving is a basic life skill though, but like any skill some people may never be able to do it. I have dyspraxia, took me ages to learn but I now do drive, but I will never be able to sew or knit. That doesn’t mean I’m a failure; just means I can’t do something!

Exactly my point.

Some people can't drive for reasons other than the fact that they can't be bothered - as with my DD's DP - so telling a poster to learn to drive as if they haven't done it because they can't be bothered is, imo, pretty rude as well.

Actually, thinking about it Teddybear45 perhaps you misunderstood my post.

The bit that I was referring to regarding thinking was only the top line of my post. Of course I don't think my DD's DP is lazy because he can't drive, I was being sarcastic.

How close were you to the stepfather?

I don’t really see how driving would help here anyway, the OP would still have to miss out on either the funeral or at least part of the wedding even if she drove so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I would go to the wake, explain the situation to your friend and see if they need you there at the funeral. I don’t think they will do and I’m sure they’ll implore you to go to the wedding.

I'd go to the wake and the wedding and explain to your friend that you'd already be invited to the wedding. I'm sure they would be fine.
And to the person saying learn to drive......how rude are you?!

Of course op received the wedding invitation first, doesn't mean it trumps a funeral.

Whilst it could happen, surely receiving a wedding invitation that clashes with a funeral you already have in your diary is going to be a pretty rare occurrence.

It's a nonsense way to make a decision like this.

I would expect any decent person to feel disappointed but understanding of the need to attend a funeral instead of their wedding. How spectacularly selfish would you have to be to resent somebody attending a funeral?!

I am still grateful that my friends came to my parents' funerals to support me, even though they barely knew my parents. It's not about how close the op was to the parent, it's about the people left behind who need that support and knowing they're not alone in their grief. Funerals are about the people left behind and caring for them.

The funeral might be the priority if that were going to be the only event honouring the deceased. However, with a separate wake I don't really see that there has to be an expectation that someone who is a friend of the deceased person's stepchild puts everything aside to attend both the wake and the funeral.

I would just go to the wedding and catch up with the friend afterwards, unless you actually knew the step dad.

wake then wedding.

I assume you were invited to the wedding a while ago? I don't think you can just back out at the last minute. Obviously unexpected things happen but as you can go to the wake I think you're fine. Your friend will understand - and you can catch up with them again after the wedding.

Funeral. Your old friend you needs you far more right now, while your 3yr friend would probably barely notice your absence - she'll be concentrating on her new dh. She'll understand if she's a friend worth having.

Your old friend you needs you far more right now

But we don't know that, do we? The likelihood is that OP hasn't seen much of friend over the last 10 years as they haven't been in the same country. We don't know how close friend was to his stepfather, whether he has other people to support him, whether he really needs OP's support both at the wake and at the funeral.

How often do people actually go to friends' parents' funerals anyway? Very few of my friends came to my father's funeral, it never really occurred to me that they should. The two who did come happened to know him quite well and therefore came at least as much to respect him as to support me.

Instinct would be to go to the wake and then join the wedding party after. It depends who you are closest too though. I mean this friend of twenty years has been gone ten right? So are you really that close? Isn't there other people closer that can support them? If you would actually be missed then of course you should go though. As for the wedding, surely you can make part of the day? If she is an actual friend and not just a 'work friend' at least.

I cannot understand people suggesting that the op should go to the funeral on Friday when he/she has the opportunity to go to the wake on Thursday. I have lost both parents, both parents in law and other close relatives. I have never leant on friends for support over the days of the funeral as, while I was delighted to see them, it was family who supported each other - siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. So OP unless your friend is the only member of his family left, and you are his only close friend, I honestly can't imagine he'll expect you there for 2 days.

“I'd go to the wake, go to the wedding, but keep in contact with your friend and arrange to see him after the funeral, when everyone has gone and he may be feeling worse.“

I agree with this.

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

What a ridiculous thing to say!!!!

People have various reasons for not driving - mine that I nearly bloody died after the car I was in crashed into the side of an articulated lorry!!!!!

Think before you post because your comment is extremely ignorant.

Some close friends came to my dad's funeral, and while I really appreciated it, I would have been absolutely fine if they hadn't come. I barely had the chance to speak to them on the day. I'd go to the wedding.

Go to the wedding of course!

Thank you so much everyone for your input.

My 20 year friend and I grew up together from the age of 12 until about 24, so we were inseparable during our formative years. I knew his stepdad (who was like his Dad) well but have only seen him once a year or so in the last decade when my friend is home from abroad.

I know I won't be the only person at the wake/funeral offering my friend support but he has only kept in contact with myself and one of his college friends since moving away. His college friend passed away in January, so the last few months have been rough for him.

My work friend is a good friend, I'm one of very few from work invited to the wedding.

I think I'll go to the wake tomorrow and go to the wedding on Friday then visit my friend over the weekend as suggested. This was my first post, thanks again guys ⭐️