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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'll hurt someone either way?

70 replies

EnglishBulldogLover34 · 05/06/2019 12:33

My friend of 20 years lives abroad (the last 10 years maybe) and his stepdad passed away last night. My friend is home, the wake is in the family home tomorrow night and the funeral is on Friday afternoon.

My friend from work for the last 3 years is getting married on Friday at the same time as the funeral and I'm invited for the whole day; getting a lift from a colleague as I don't drive. The wedding is a 2 and a half hour drive from here with no direct public transport link to the venue.

Do I let my 20 year friend down by only going to the wake? Or do I let my 3 year friend down by saying I can't go to her wedding? I don't want to hurt anyone and I genuinely don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 05/06/2019 13:13

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

I hate this bloody preachy attitude. Some people don't want to drive, get over it.

I would go to the wake at night and the wedding on Friday. Unless you were close to your friends step dad aswell?

Owlbert · 05/06/2019 13:19

I was assuming you were close to friends step dad, if not I would change my answer to wake and wedding

Storytell · 05/06/2019 13:22

She doesn’t need to have been close to the man who died, she’s presumably going to the wake and/or funeral to support her old friend.

Drum2018 · 05/06/2019 13:23

Just go to the wake tomorrow evening. When my parents died friends came to one part of the overall funeral - the wake or the funeral mass. I'd never expect anyone outside the family to go to both and even then I'd not expect cousins etc to go to both - just immediate family. Likewise when friends parents have died I have only gone to either the evening or the funeral mass.

If you're back from the wedding over the weekend see if your bereaved friend is up for a visit then so you can hopefully get to see him again before he heads back abroad.

regularbutpanickingabit · 05/06/2019 13:23

Definitely go to the wake and then go to the wedding. In my experience, the wake is where your friend is most likely to be able to see and chat and hug attendees rather than the funeral itself. How long is your friend around for after the funeral? Maybe offer to see him on the Saturday/Sunday? The funeral is likely to feel like a whirlwind and it is when everyone leaves that he might need you the most.

TigerBreadIsNice · 05/06/2019 13:25

Ps please learn to drive....it's a basic life skill and it would make it easier to plan

I hate this bloody preachy attitude. Some people don't want to drive, get over it.

To add to that, some people can't due to medical reasons. So get off your high horse.

IvanaPee · 05/06/2019 13:25

It’s too late to pull out of the wedding. Your friend will lose money and tbh it could damage an ongoing friendship with someone close.

Go to the wake then see your friend on the Saturday when the funeral is over and she can decompress a bit.

overnightangel · 05/06/2019 13:37

“I'd go to the wake, go to the wedding, but keep in contact with your friend and arrange to see him after the funeral, when everyone has gone and he may be feeling worse.“

+1

@devilsavocado, don’t be a tool

Notabedofroses · 05/06/2019 13:41

I would go to the wake tomorrow
and wedding on Friday. I would also plan to support my friend after the funeral when everyone else disappears and she may need support.

DoingItForTheKids · 05/06/2019 13:47

What one do YOU want to go to? Then do that.

PregnantSea · 05/06/2019 13:49

Some people don't drive because they are epileptic or have PTSD. They don't always mention it in situations like this because they don't want to have to explain it to everyone they speak to.

If someone doesn't drive that's their own business. Leave it be.

OrdinarySnowflake · 05/06/2019 13:49

Go to the wake tomorrow night. Then go to the wedding.

Agree keep in contact with your friend and offer to see them Saturday morning.

pisspawpatrol · 05/06/2019 13:55

I'd go to the wake tomorrow, wedding on friday and then, if you can, see your friend on saturday or sunday to support them.

Isatis · 05/06/2019 14:02

Would you really be letting your friend down? How close was he to his stepfather, and is there really no-one else to support him? I know that these things have to be arranged quickly for people of some faiths, but if, say, you'd been abroad there would have been little or nothing you could do about this before Friday, so I wonder if he necessarily expects you to drop everything to be at the funeral if you do manage to get to the wake.

calmdowndearx · 05/06/2019 14:05

I had a wedding and a funeral on the same day.

We went to the funeral but left straight afterwards to make the 3.5 drive to the wedding. We missed the ceremony etc but were there for the meal / rest of the evening.

We phoned the groom and explained and whilst it was clear he wasn't super happy, he totally understood.

Same with my the person who's partner's funeral it was, they appreciated us making the effort to be there for as long as we could but it was clear they might have appreciated us being there longer but when I mentioned it to them a few months later, they said the day was such a blur they can hardly remember who was there at all. x

calmdowndearx · 05/06/2019 14:05

3.5 hour*

EvacuateTheCardinals · 05/06/2019 14:06

Wake and Wedding, unless you were close to the step-father.

calmdowndearx · 05/06/2019 14:07

Sorry, missed the detail about not driving .

I agree with others saying go to wake and then wedding.

Your friend will surely have other people there supporting them?

You cannot be the only person to support them?!

BumandChips · 05/06/2019 14:09

Wake tomorrow then go to the wedding.

pigsDOfly · 05/06/2019 14:17

Agree with almost everyone else, go to the wake and then the wedding.

If it's a large funeral then your friend might not even notice who is or isn't there and surely there will be others to offer support.

However, after the busy time of wake and the funeral have gone and all the people are back doing their own thing, that's when your friend might appreciate some extra support from you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/06/2019 14:19

Wake then wedding.

Incidently, shouldn't wakes take place AFTER the funeral????? The point of a wake is to feed everyone who has travelled for the funeral.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/06/2019 14:21

Having just buried my Mum, I can honestly say I can’t remember who was at the funeral. The wake gave me chance to catch up with people I’ve not seen for years.

Go to the wake and also the wedding.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/06/2019 14:22

How much do you think your bereaved friend needs your support, specifically? Though you have known the person for a long time, are you still close, or had you lost touch over the years? Are there other people who can provide that support (rest of the family, a partner etc)?

I think generally, as PP have said, your support will be more helpful after the funeral, and if you skip the wedding you will be letting down your about-to-marry friend, whereas hopefully your bereaved friend will have other people close to the family to provide the hugs and kind words on the day.

MrsMozartMkII · 05/06/2019 14:25

Wake then wedding.

mclady · 05/06/2019 14:28

Go to the wake on Thursday and the wedding on Friday.

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