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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, am I a bad wife?

76 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 07:07

Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit down today, but after reading an article about what makes a marriage last, I felt awful.

Apart from the basics (dont cheat, lie or be an arsehole in general) there were a few paragraphs talking about sex. It stated that if you're not having sex often, or like you used to then one day you are going to wake up and realise your husband or wife is basically a room mate.

My husband and I definitely dont have sex like we used to. We dont have the energy or we are busy due to us both working night shifts. Im worried what will happen when we have children. We still average out about once a week.

I also have some skeletons in the closet. Just one big one, its big for me at least. I didnt finish school. I was about 2 months off from finishing when I just couldnt do it anymore, I had terrible depression and was suicidal. Im 26 now and have managed to find a good job despite this, I earn quite highly but it does mean I may struggle to find employment elsewhere if I decide to change job. My skills are not very transferable.

I am so ashamed at that fact that I haven't told my successful husband.
I try to be the best i can be, I work hard at work, try keep the place in order, am attentive to my husband and I try to be as respectful and loving as I can.

What do you think MN? Please try to be gentle with me, I feel quite vulnerable

OP posts:

Atalune · 05/06/2019 07:09

These are both things you can change. Stop worrying about them and tackle them.

Start having sex. It’s very easy.

Do youR GCSEs at college via an access course. Then your A levels and then you could go on to university if you wanted. Don’t delay on this!

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 05/06/2019 07:13

Start having sex. It’s very easy.

Wtf?

OP these things change and wax and wain.
My husband and I go through dry patches and it's totally normal. It's only an issue if you both feel that it is.
Talk to your husband about it, if you want to reignight things then discuss how you would like that to happen.

Despite that ridiculous comment above, it isn't easy and takes time care and understanding and the person to turn to for that is your husband.

pilates · 05/06/2019 07:14

I think you need to be open and tell your husband everything. You shouldn’t have secrets. Is your mental health under control or do you need a trip to the doctors?

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 07:15

It’s very easy

It’s not a job. If you don’t want sex, you don’t want it.

Original poster

ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 07:19

I was seeing a therapist, however he wasn't very good, at least for me he wasn't very good and they didn't have any others available for quite some time. Sorry I should have mentioned I don't live in the UK, I am in Australia.

There are jobs I can do and qualifications I can achieve with my level of schooling. In fact there is one I am interested in doing once we have the money saved up. I just don't think I can tell him, not just yet anyway. I am terrified. I think I need to get this qualification first.

OP posts:

Atalune · 05/06/2019 07:29

Well unless there is trauma then, yeah start having sex. You can all unclutch, sex is fairly standard in a living relationship.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 08:05

Atalune

I won’t be having any sex I don’t want, thanks.

GloGirl · 05/06/2019 08:09

During our dry spells I work hard to maintain intimacy, which doesn't have to be through sex. It's about physical contact, vulnerability, love. It does seem to help.

Summerhillsquare · 05/06/2019 08:12

Please don't compare your life to what you read in a magazine. You are already successful. It's up to you what comes next.

BeanBag7 · 05/06/2019 08:14

If you and your husband are happy, dont read too much into what a magazine says. Are you happy with your sex life? Is your husband? Maybe you could have a proper chat about how you feel about it.

DoneLikeAKipper · 05/06/2019 08:14

Start having sex. It’s very easy

The award for worst advice given on MN goes to....

Daffodil2018 · 05/06/2019 08:14

Once a week is loads! No one keeps having sex at the rate they did at the start of a relationship. That’s entirely normal. My DH and I used to be at it like rabbits, now it’s special occasions only

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 05/06/2019 08:17

OP, these articles are designed to make you feel rubbish.

Why are you terrified of telling your DH about not finishing school? Presumably he isn't a total arsehole and since you are a successful adult you've done well despite a difficult time in your life. He should be supportive of you wanting to try and get qualifications to improve your employability.

Barely any couple have sex like they used to. You settle into real life and sometimes sex takes a back seat. That's not to say you stop being in any way physical with each other. Do you still cuddle, hold hands, whatever makes you feel close to each other? Once a week is fine if you are both happy with that. DH and I sometimes go a few weeks without any then we'll have other times when it's every other night. We've been together 12 years, we're still physically close even if we don't have twice a day hanging from the rafters screaming orgasm sex.

What age are you, out of interest, and was DH your first relationship?

pinkdelight · 05/06/2019 08:18

Not finishing school for that reason is fine. What's not fine is the shame and fear you're attaching to it and letting it control your future. You're only 26, way too young to have your career options shut down by thinking this job is the only one you can get. Have you looked into resorting your exams? In your own time at your own pace. To boost your confidence and take back control as much as anything. The first step is telling your DH. Lying is always worse than the truth especially in this case where you've done nothing wrong and if he loves you he'll be kind and supportive. Start there and then the skeleton is out of the closet instead of haunting you for the rest of your life. Honestly you've done great and should have nothing to hide!

As for the sex, once a week is fine. Did you marry very young? Are you happy - as opposed to worrying if you're making DH happy? Never mind all this 'bad wife' business. You should be partners and friends, not fulfilling some one-size-fits-all job description in an article you've read. Again, I think taking control of your own happiness is key here, not letting worries gnaw away at you.

pinkdelight · 05/06/2019 08:19

resitting not resorting

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/06/2019 08:24

I just don't think I can tell him, not just yet anyway. I am terrified.

Why are you scared of telling him? Do you think he'll react badly?

This is quite a worrying statement. He's your husband, he should love you and look after you regardless of whether you finished school.

Is your MH okay at the moment? If the therapy waiting list is long, do you have anything else that could help - there are therapy apps that aren't supposed to be too bad, or medication? Does anything help?

HennyPennyHorror · 05/06/2019 08:30

The problem with no or little sex in a relationship is that sooner or later, one party will get frustrated with this.

It's not on to expect people who want sex with their partner to not have it. sex does take some effort when you've been with someone for years. It isn't automatically what you're thinking of when you've seen the same person day in day out for years.

But it IS important. It fosters closeness and togetherness.

All the people who don't want sex that's fair enough and your right. But don't think your lack of effort won't have an effect...unless your partner feels the same way about it.

I don't always want sex...but I make some effort to encourage myself and the feeling does surface. If I look great then I feel more sexy...if I feel fit...I want sex more often.

Letting "it all go" isn;t on if you're expecting someone to stay with you.

Safiya7 · 05/06/2019 08:31

Take no notice whatsoever of this magazine article OP. It’s just one article written by one random person. No doubt you could find an “article” to support any way of thinking! Don’t dwell on this for a second more.

I do wonder why you haven’t felt able to tell your DH about your not finishing school though? You mustn’t blame yourself for this. At the time you were not well - it’s as simple as that. Just as if you had a physical illness that prevented you doing the exams, you were mentally unwell. Stop blaming yourself. It was a decade ago and you have moved on from that phase. Please don’t let this eat away at you. You can do GCSEs whenever. You’ll find them easy now. Maybe just do maths and English as a first step?

You should take confidence in what you have achieved, rather than what you haven’t. You have a career, despite your lack of qualifications. You realise plenty of people get all A* grades and then go on to have breakdowns or depression?

Can I ask why you wouid be worried about telling you DH about the school situation?

pinkdelight · 05/06/2019 08:35

"We still average out about once a week."

Just repeating this for the people who seem to think OP's sex life is a parched wasteland and that she needs a lecture on the need to put out.

hmsvictory · 05/06/2019 08:39

That's plenty of sex!

As for qualifications - does anybody actually check them? Recently had a discussion with a group of friends, all of us educated to degree level, one with teaching qualifications. In our 20+ years of working not one employer had ever checked. And I bet your DH won't care, why would he? Unless you've fabricated a whole 3 year degree?

Atalune · 05/06/2019 08:40

Jesus once a week is fantastic!

And for those who have decided to latch onto the sex thing- if there is no reason other than falling out the habit, there is no reason not to start having sex. It happens in all LTR that sex dries up and there are long dry spells. But if you’re not happy with that, and your in a loving relationship, then yeah, start having sex! It’s not bloody rocket science. Just do it. If you want. And if you don’t, then don’t.

But if you don’t then you probably want to explore why.

Notabedofroses · 05/06/2019 08:42

Definitely enrol into your nearest college and address your lack of confidence educationally, not only will this benefit your career prospects, it will also put to bed those insecurities.
I would also make dinner one evening, pour some wine and be honest with your dh about what happened to you, it is nothing to be ashamed of, you were in a very bad way and the very fact you came through it and out the other side is a reason to feel very proud not ashamed.

Lastly sexually, marriages have peaks and troughs. Some months will be great, others not so much. I have been married for twenty years, and I can assure you that it is the quality of intimacy not the quantity that really matters in a relationship. Whatever works for you as a couple is the right amount of time and not some article.

Enjoy your marriage, your new course and your job. Don't let the past hold you back!

Bluerussian · 05/06/2019 09:15

Bless you! It sounds to me as though you and your husband love eachother very much.

Sex once a week is quite normal for people who have been together a long time and are very busy. It's not something you can force.

Don't feel inferior about not having finished school, especially as you have a good job. You're not alone there and you have actually done well!

Affirm yourself! However, don't lie about it, lies have a way of finding you out. Who on earth is going to judge a competent woman with a good job? You're remarkable. By all means do some further education but because you want to for your own fulfilment, not because you think you have something to prove.

Good luck, hope you come back and tell us how you are getting on.

ginghamtablecloths · 05/06/2019 09:16

Don't compare yourself to some silly ideal in a magazine. Many couples don't have sex like they used to - real life gets in the way. Why not share the article with your husband and ask what he thinks? He may well laugh ruefully and say he's too tired as well.

Relationships change over the years and sex isn't the be-all and end-all of many a marriage. If you still love and respect each other, are best mates and you still communicate - that really should be good enough.

MonkeyTrap · 05/06/2019 09:17

I think you’ve read some shitty article and taken it too much to heart. Who’s to say this journalist knows anything of a happy marriage?

Carry on as you are OP if you’re happy. Your husband must like you that’s why he married you.

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