Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, am I a bad wife?

76 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 07:07

Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit down today, but after reading an article about what makes a marriage last, I felt awful.

Apart from the basics (dont cheat, lie or be an arsehole in general) there were a few paragraphs talking about sex. It stated that if you're not having sex often, or like you used to then one day you are going to wake up and realise your husband or wife is basically a room mate.

My husband and I definitely dont have sex like we used to. We dont have the energy or we are busy due to us both working night shifts. Im worried what will happen when we have children. We still average out about once a week.

I also have some skeletons in the closet. Just one big one, its big for me at least. I didnt finish school. I was about 2 months off from finishing when I just couldnt do it anymore, I had terrible depression and was suicidal. Im 26 now and have managed to find a good job despite this, I earn quite highly but it does mean I may struggle to find employment elsewhere if I decide to change job. My skills are not very transferable.

I am so ashamed at that fact that I haven't told my successful husband.
I try to be the best i can be, I work hard at work, try keep the place in order, am attentive to my husband and I try to be as respectful and loving as I can.

What do you think MN? Please try to be gentle with me, I feel quite vulnerable Sad

OP posts:
thegreatcrestednewt · 05/06/2019 09:17

Why are you so scared to tell your dh about your lack of qualifications? He obviously loves you as you are.

Sex once a week is fine if you're both happy with it.

Stop reading magazine articles that are designed to make us all feel inadequate! Instead, go and look at the website of your local adult education college and find out what courses you're interested in doing... Good luck!

MonkeyTrap · 05/06/2019 09:20

Also my DH did crap at school and is now a very successful man (in my view). I’m quite academic but I think putting people in boxes, as school does is dangerous territory and can prevent creative people finding their talents. Your husband will not give two hoots you didn’t do well at school. Why would he?

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 09:20

didnt finish school.

that's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! And it's never too late to get more qualifications.

I work hard at work, try keep the place in order, am attentive to my husband and I try to be as respectful and loving as I can.
You sound absolutely lovely but with no confidence whatsoever. In the nicest possible way, I don't think happy relationship should take effort, especially before you have kids. You are absolutely the equal of your husband.

I think it's also true that the less sex you have, the less you want it!

PeachesAndMayo · 05/06/2019 09:23

You're both knackered so of course sex isn't going to be like it was. It says the world about your self esteem if you let some silly comments in an article question yourself. Why not enrol in adult education - skip the a levels and go straight for open university. It'll be hard work (and maybe something to do once DC are a little older) but it's there for you if you want it. But mainly, start reading stuff that affirms you. Get your head out of magazines. In general they are guff and just there to advertise perfume and expensive clothing. They are not your friend.

Teacakeandalatte · 05/06/2019 09:32

You are a good wife and the sex thing would only be a problem if one of you wanted more and that doesn't sound the case here.

It is a bit of a problem that you don't feel able to talk to your dh about your problems with school. Are you being fair to him, would he even care. Would he be nice about it and support you in getting any qualifications you might want to do? If he is a nice guy he probably would.

If you can do one thing to improve your marriage it would be gaining the confidence to talk honestly with your dh.

DoxxedFox · 05/06/2019 09:34

Honestly. The people having sex talk about it. The people who aren’t don’t because they’re made to feel like freaks. There is nothing wrong with a loving, respectful relationship without/ with little sex if you’re both happy. We hardly ever have sex but my DH is awesome and I think he’s lovely. I read things on here and realise we’ve got it better than most people even if they’re at it like rabbits because we’re kind and considerate of each other and genuinely get on.

Gth1234 · 05/06/2019 09:37

What do you mean "didn't finish school"? There isn't a school leaving/graduation certificate in the UK. Who would know, and who would care?

Many very wealthy people are self made - a lot of educated people earn a living working for someone else, and never really "make it" in the way you would have expected.

Did you see 63up last night - you wouldn't have guessed how life would turn out for the people featured.

Make time for each other - and have a cuddle. Don't just watch em on Love Island.

toomuchtooold · 05/06/2019 09:40

I don't have any useful advice but I just wanted to say, I reckon there are a lot worse things in life than (the risk of) a failed marriage and one of them is having spent your married life having sex you don't want. People talk about how important it is to keep the "spark", what kind of spark do you get from having to force yourself to shag someone when you don't want to? I would imagine all your feelings of love and respect for your other half would slowly leach away and be replaced by mild disgust and maybe contempt at the guy, if he had apparently managed to join in with this involuntary shagging without realising you were having a crap time. Or maybe he would realise you were faking and he would slowly back off of ever initiating sex, never sure whether you really wanted to or whether it was another duty shag, horrified by the idea that he might on any occasion be forcing himself on you, with you having such a low opinion of him that you thought that he would enjoy that.

gamerwidow · 05/06/2019 09:43

You can have sex as much or as little as you both want. Does your DH even want more sex? there’s every chance he is entirely happy with the situation.
You need to stop trying so hard to please everyone and relax and be pleased with the good job you’re doing.
All this pressure is coming from you I can’t see anything to indicate that your work or your husband is anything but happy to have you.
Please think about telling your DH about your past. He might be s bit upset that you didn’t confide in him sooner but you are making this secret bigger than what it is. You had a tough start to adult life but you overcame it. It’s something to be proud of not ashamed.
Have you thought about going back to college in the evenings to get your level 2 literacy and numeracy. It’s the equivalent of GCSE maths and English. I think you’d sail through it and it would make you feel better about going for jobs in the future.

gamerwidow · 05/06/2019 09:46

Sorry I missed the bit about you not being in the UK. Is there an equivalent adult qualification you can do in Australia? Lots of people don’t come out of school as well as they could and get their qualifications later in life. Not everyone’s path through life is the same but that doesn’t mean they can’t get to the same place eventually.

MorondelaFrontera · 05/06/2019 09:47

The people having sex talk about it. The people who aren’t don’t because they’re made to feel like freaks.

I don't think most normal adults talk about their sex life even if they have a great one Grin

gamerwidow · 05/06/2019 09:50

I don't think most normal adults talk about their sex life even if they have a great one
Yes! I can’t think of anything worse than talking about my sex life. I’m not a prude it’s just no one else’s business.

Mummaofmytribe · 05/06/2019 09:55

You're not a bad wife, love. Just a tired one. With a tired husband. Intimacy covers a wide spectrum, not just sex.
I'd be more concerned about why you're scared of telling DH about your lack of qualifications and the reason.
Do you honestly fear his reaction? Surely he'll be proud and surprised that you're doing so well despite not finishing school?
And don't believe everything you read in magazines. If magazine articles were all reliable, Jennifer Aniston has been pregnant 57 times Wink

spanishwife · 05/06/2019 09:57

Once a week (give or take) sounds like a very healthy amount.

Don't let an article create problems that aren't there. Speak to your husband, is he happy with this amount, are you? That's all that matters.

I would be concerned about keeping this secret however about finishing school. I don't think it's a big deal, but you shouldn't be covering up something of this nature to your life partner. I would hate to find out something like that about my husband - it's the years of hiding it that would upset me. I wouldn't care about the actual secret.

MissingInActionYouSay · 05/06/2019 10:01

OP, you do not need to be ashamed about your leaving school. And you do not need to see it as having a skeleton in your closet. It is an issue that you can easily overcome. You may not have completed school but you can study with the OU for a degree and have a BA/BSc within 6 years and you do not need to save up to do it. You can get tuition loans and then just repay it out of your salary. I left school at 14 with no qualifications. I am now 40 and have done a BA, MA and am a PhD candidate.....so leaving school doesn't matter a damn, if anything it makes my "non typical" educational path more interesting.

broken1982 · 05/06/2019 10:01

Well I think your a pretty awesome wife compared to how useless a wife I feel.
My husband barely gets sex,
I can't cook,
We have quite a large house and with two small kids I just can't seem to keep on top of it as I'd like to
I have a crap job
My ironing pile is pretty much the entire spare bedroom
My washing...don't even go there...
I'm clingy
I'm a grumpy sod 50% of the time
I'm sure I've missed another at least 2/3 points...
I am the prime example of shit wife
Oh may I point out though that I would never ever cheat, I am attentive to my husband and children's needs always! and I do work and make enough to be 'comfortable'. My little family are my entire world but as a wife I'm pretty crap. My poor poor husband

deydododatdodontdeydo · 05/06/2019 10:05

It’s not a job. If you don’t want sex, you don’t want it.

OP never said she didn't want sex.
She said they don't have the energy or are busy.

Having said that, once a week seems kinda normal.

rachelfrost · 05/06/2019 10:14

It seems like the article has brought to the front of your mind a couple of things that were bothering you anyway.

Be open about not finishing school and why. It will set a precedent of being honest and open about things that are uncomfortable. That’s important in a relationship because you understand each other better and stay on the same team. If your husbands a jerk and unsupportive about you not having finished school then that’s something you need to know sooner rather than later.

As for the sex... it depends how you both feel about it. Would you like more sex? Would your partner?

ifonly4 · 05/06/2019 10:26

OP, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about friendship, love, caring and supporting eachother through whatever life throws at you. From how you describe yourself, you sound like the kind of person we all aspire to be, so don't waste time comparing yourself to articles in newspapers.

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 10:27

Thankyou so much everyone, you have all moved me to tears with your kind words. I'll have to tell my husband that I put too many spices in the meal I was cooking.

My husband is a lovely man, I think due to my anxiety I tend to spiral out of control and think the worst. I think if I tell him I didn't finish school he would think I'm stupid, pathetic and would want to leave me. Where I live we have SACE. One needs to achieve at least stage one to get their SACE certificate. I could also find a course with year 10 entry requirements but we don't have the money right now as we are buying a house very shortly.

I married quite young I suppose, I was 22 when I married, been with husband for 3 years prior and I guess he was my first "adult" relationship. We get on really well and we always kiss, laugh and hold hands

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 05/06/2019 10:50

@ApplePieIsAmazing please please please talk this through with your husband or it will eat away at you and end up destroying not only your marriage but you too.

Being married is hard work, as is friendship and any relationship BUT you should feel that you are able to tell the other person anything. It may be that your husband feels similar about the lack of sex but doesn't know how to broach the subject,. It might be that it doesn't bother him. You won't know until you talk about it !!!! You say you are worried that he will think you are stupid for not finishing school - how do you know? Are you privy to his every thought and feeling? You aren't inside his head 24/7 so you cannot possibly know what he is thinking - maybe you are projecting what you would think of someone who didn't finish school onto him and that's not fair on him.

2toddlers · 05/06/2019 10:57

Stop reading silly articles. Marriage isn’t just about sex! You go through peaks and troughs in your sex life as you do with a marriage generally. I don’t consider once a week to be a cause for concern if you are both busy with life, I’d say it’s pretty normal.

I don’t know why you are so scared to tell your husband about school? Will he judge? How do you marry without mentioning such a thing? You have a well paid job so why are you so worried to tell him anyway?

Aprillygirl · 05/06/2019 11:05

Blimey OP I really think you are beating yourself up over nothing. Has your husband moaned about the lack of sex? Because personally I don't think sex once a week is too bad at all. Also so what if you didn't finish school? Your DH didn't marry you for your qualifications did he? I think you are a strong woman and need to stop worrying,stop reading silly articles and give yourself a big pat on the back for overcoming the things you've been through and managing to make a decent life for yourself despite them Flowers

FieryBiscuits14 · 05/06/2019 11:33

The only thing that is important about your sex life is that you are both on the same page. Once a week is a fine amount. Sometimes it might be less than that for various reasons WHICH IS ALSO FINE!

As for your qualifications, stop beating yourself up. You've been resilient enough to get yourself a great job despite not finishing school. This is to be admired not looked down on. If you want to get the qualifications now then could you do night school? That's something to weigh up with the demands of your life and your mental health as they are now. It's certainly not something which has held you back so far.
I'd hope you could talk to your husband about it and he could reassure you on both counts.

4legsandawaggytail · 05/06/2019 12:39

@ApplePieIsAmazing May I ask where the source of this article came from? Do you have a link we can read. Who said the article is correct, may are bullshit and husband biased. How long have you been married? Does your husband complain at all about any aspect of your relationship? Are you able to have good open talks.... communication is key. Maybe he needs to also step up to the plate and show his appreciation of you a bit more too.