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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, am I a bad wife?

76 replies

ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 07:07

Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit down today, but after reading an article about what makes a marriage last, I felt awful.

Apart from the basics (dont cheat, lie or be an arsehole in general) there were a few paragraphs talking about sex. It stated that if you're not having sex often, or like you used to then one day you are going to wake up and realise your husband or wife is basically a room mate.

My husband and I definitely dont have sex like we used to. We dont have the energy or we are busy due to us both working night shifts. Im worried what will happen when we have children. We still average out about once a week.

I also have some skeletons in the closet. Just one big one, its big for me at least. I didnt finish school. I was about 2 months off from finishing when I just couldnt do it anymore, I had terrible depression and was suicidal. Im 26 now and have managed to find a good job despite this, I earn quite highly but it does mean I may struggle to find employment elsewhere if I decide to change job. My skills are not very transferable.

I am so ashamed at that fact that I haven't told my successful husband.
I try to be the best i can be, I work hard at work, try keep the place in order, am attentive to my husband and I try to be as respectful and loving as I can.

What do you think MN? Please try to be gentle with me, I feel quite vulnerable Sad

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 05/06/2019 13:52

Firstly I doubt your husband married you for your graduation mark Smile

There is no prescription for being a good wife. Are you happy with your marriage? Is your husband happy with the marriage? If so, fine.

Perhaps ask whether your husband is supportive, kind and caring instead

WMPAGL · 05/06/2019 17:51

ApplePielsAmazing Honestly, if my DH sat me down to tell me about the one big skeleton in his closet, and it was this, I would laugh with relief! It's so easily fixed (relatively speaking) if you want to and I would be all for supporting you doing it so you don't have to think about it anymore.

What concerns me a bit is that you're so terrified of telling him. Why?

You can have as much or little sex as you and your DH are happy with - just talk to him. Again, you might want to ask yourself why you feel you can't (if that's how you feel) as that seems to me the bigger issue.

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 05/06/2019 22:06

I think because I didn't finish school, or maybe it's a whole other issue, I feel like I have to be the perfect wife. This is going to sound deluded, but I feel like my husband deserves the very best. He's very supportive and caring. I just find it very hard to show him my struggles. I'm scared he might think I'm broken or something

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 05/06/2019 22:18

Most experts say that you don't have an issue with sexless marriage unless you're having sex fewer than ten times a year.

If you're not in the mood for sex, don't have sex. But other things - massaging, cuddling, sleeping naked or with minimal clothing for skin to skin contact - all of that makes a big difference.

AngelaJ18 · 05/06/2019 22:38

Jesus, my marriage must be on the rocks then! We’re averaging sex about once every two weeks.

OP if you’re not in the right frame of mind don’t force yourself to have sex. Do go for the qualification you want. But most importantly talk to your husband. Communication is vital to every relationship and you might just find that he’s happy to support you in whatever you need to succeed.

If therapy has the potential to help have you looked in other possible therapists? Maybe a different office may have a therapist that works better for you.

Don’t pay any attention to what a magazine article says. If you are both happy in your relationship that is all that matters. Don’t pin your mental health on somebody else’s idea of normal. Remember normal is a point of view

pinkdelight · 06/06/2019 00:26

"He's very supportive and caring. I just find it very hard to show him my struggles."

These two things don't add up. The big thing that made me realise DH was the one was when I realised I could be myself with him, that he was on my side, accepting me as I am. If you're right and your DH is supportive and caring then there's nothing stopping you being as broken as anything (which you aren't by the sounds of it), he'd have your back. This secret is really warping your self-worth and you just need to tell him and burst that balloon of fear that's built up. Believing he 'deserves the best' is not a real human relationship. He married you, he loves you, there is no other barometer of Best you're being measured against. Just. Be. Honest.

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 06/06/2019 04:53

I'll try. He's working away this week, when he gets back I'll tell him. I have no idea how to bring the subject up though.

OP posts:
Seahorseshoe · 06/06/2019 05:21

I've been with DH for 34 years, married for 27. Sex definitely changes as you go on through life, I think it's important for both of you to stay affectionate, during a dry spell.

If DH and I had sex like we did when we first met - all the time, frankly, it would be a bit weird (for us). I can't imagine fitting that into our lives. Bonking on the kitchen table is a bit difficult, with teenagers lurking around.

If you think it's creating an issue, talk about it. Don't let it fester. It sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time. As for not completing school, as long as you are working at a level that YOU are comfortable with, so what? I personally would tell him.

You're not a bad person. If this therapist isn't working, again, be honest and try another one. Not gelling with a therapist is very common, they see it all the time.

This is your life and you deserve to be happy. Good luck op.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 06/06/2019 05:30

The issue here sounds like your self esteem not your relationship. You are worth just as much as your husband. Can you give the counselling another go, hopefully with a better counsellor?

OhTheRoses · 06/06/2019 05:52

Somethong my grannie said (remember she'd be 107 now so from a no sex before marriage era).

If you put a penny in a jar every time you have sex in the first year of marriage and take a penny out every time thereafter, you will never empty the jar.

The big issue op is that you haven't been able to talk to your dh about your quals/school and mh. Doesn't your family mention it? Hasn't your dh asked?

Figure8 · 06/06/2019 06:15

Personally, I wouldn't judge anyone for not finishing school ( especially for the reasons you outined).

But what I admire above anything else are people who just keep moving forward, who are committed to evolving as a person.
I bet your husband will admire your attitude
Good luck!
Flowers

Figure8 · 06/06/2019 06:18

Bonking on the kitchen table is a bit difficult, with teenagers lurking around

Seahorseshoe and Dh start bonking on kitchen table.....teenager rolls eyes and carrys on looking at phone

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2019 06:22

Does your dh know you were suicidally depressed?

I used to feel like you for a long time. Ok I know I got my exams... just. I failed an exam at 12, not through intelligence and capability but nerves and went to a terrible school. The level of education I received was extremely poor. I had very large knowledge gaps. Nowadays schooling has changed but at the time I was only able to do 5 O levels and all the rest CSE. I did continue in education but struggled massively. For a long time I thought all of this was my fault. But now I realise it was the dumbed down education I received. The shame is on my parents for their general piss poor parenting and attitude toward me when I failed and for not sending me to private school or paying for tutoring when they had the means.

You were severely depressed. None of this was your fault. As for the sex. I do think if this article was based on any research data that that data is extremely flawed. People tend to exaggerate massively and having been around for a lot more years than you I think weekly is definitely not below average.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2019 06:23

Posted too soon. You are so young. You can still get qualified. Well done for persevering.

SummerPlace · 06/06/2019 06:26

I was a teacher in NSW, Australia. All I can say is that schools can be horrible places - equally they can be great. So much depends on the individual school. I hated the school I attended for my final two years, and only made it through because I could see it as a means to an end.

I appreciate that you must be in a different state. Since you are 28, you should be able to get into many university course as a mature student. The only problem is the expense nowadays, sadly. I know I did my training in the days of scholarships/free universities/living allowances/paid for by employer.

Have you considered a TAFE course? You could gain some transferable skills there at a reasonable price.

As for the Counsellor, I'd keep on at my GP. Although I suppose you might have a wait to see someone as a public patient, and unless you have private health cover, it could be an expense to go private.

All the best!

Loveislandaddict · 06/06/2019 06:26

Don’t believe what you read in the magazine. You sound like you have a secure happy relationship, and we all have a past.

Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself you are doing fine,

AphidEater · 06/06/2019 06:28

I think that what really matters is that both of you are happy with the amount of sex you’re having, nor how much it is overall. If you think your husband would like more (or if you would like more but don’t generally have the time / motivation) there are things you can do to build your sex life back up.

Re the leaving school thing - I doubt the reason he loves you is because of your school qualifications, and you have good reasons for what happened. I would tell him, so it’s not eating you up anymore. If he’s a nice man, he will be nothing but supportive.

BlueBrushing · 06/06/2019 06:30

Start having sex again - the more you have it, the more you'll want it.

Isatis · 06/06/2019 06:39

BlueBrushing, OP doesn't need to "start having sex again" because she hasn't stopped. They're just down to once a week which, for two people with busy jobs, is perfectly normal.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/06/2019 06:42

Only on MN are people at it 3 times a week!! How???
My DP is away Monday to Friday, Friday night we’re exhausted. That leaves Sat and Sunday. I have a period every 22 or so days, which last a good week. Plus, I have a really low sex drive (pre-menopause I think). We’re lucky to do it once a month.
Both very happy.

Qweenbee · 06/06/2019 06:52

Would you want your dh to tell you something he is worrying about so you can support him as needed, or would you rather he suffered in silence?
See? I bet I know what you answered to that question. Give him a chance to support you. If he's half as nice as you say, then he'd hate the thought that you have all these fears and don't say anything.

Belenus · 06/06/2019 06:53

It's not on to expect people who want sex with their partner to not have it. sex does take some effort when you've been with someone for years. It isn't automatically what you're thinking of when you've seen the same person day in day out for years.

The OP is having sex once a week though, so that's hardly relevant.

OP just tell him about the school thing. I'd be far more worried that someone felt unable to tell me this than that they hadn't finished school.

Original poster
ApplePieIsAmazing · 06/06/2019 09:24

You're all so right. I went to a private school, however I can't say that there were many nice teachers. I could be wrong and maybe I was just very sensitive but that combined with the bullying really destroyed my self esteem. I remember waking up crying and not wanting to get up. My mum just thought I was being lazy

I think I'll try therapy again

SummerPlace good idea about TAFE. I've had a look at the courses and I've found some that interest me, some I could perhaps take on and work freelance. Thanks so much for the suggestion. You sound like a very empathic person, I bet you're a wonderful teacher

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/06/2019 09:58

*Only on MN are people at it 3 times a week!! How???
My DP is away Monday to Friday, Friday night we’re exhausted. That leaves Sat and Sunday. I have a period every 22 or so days, which last a good week. Plus, I have a really low sex drive *

I think everyone should have sex as much as they want it, as long as both people are happy, it doesn't matter.

But three times a week isn't hard. Most people won't have one person away all week, and a lot of people have sex on their periods, or periods that don't last as long. We probably average every other day, loosely because I don't really keep track!

Every 3 days isn't freakishly common or unnatural. Every 3 months isn't either. There isn't going to be a meaningful average, because everyone's sex drive and circumstances are so different.

HennyPennyHorror · 06/06/2019 11:24

It's easy for DH and I to do it 3 times a week or thereabouts because I work from home and he's self-employed so quite flexible. Plus our DC aren't small any more...at 14 and 11 they don't keep us awake at night.

When they were small we didn't do it three times a week! About that a month on a good month.

When we had no kids we did it daily though! We do it during the day. It's easier...when the kids are home, you're paranoid.