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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take on this child as his own

57 replies

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 21:50

Name changed for this one.

So I had been with my partner for around 2 years and we split up and I moved out as we were just so unhappy constant arguing not getting along. He was meeting other women and I met a man Over the period of about 4 months. Both wasn’t anything serious probably just a bit of a rebound and each party knew what it was. Long story short I ended up pregnant and wasn’t sure if it was ex partner or rebound man as I saw my ex a week or so after rebound man. I didn’t tel my ex straight away there may be chance and I know I’m in the wrong for that but finally confessed at 12 week when the scan said it was rebound man baby but I know these aren’t always accurate and can be a week either side.

Ex now wants to get back together and raise baby as his own. He has spoken with rebound man who said he wants nothing to do with baby and for us to raise as our own.

Ex wants me to move back in and said everything will be fine we will move and live happily ever after. But he isn’t interested in anything I tell him about the pregnancy - which I understand is hard for him and it is my fault but if he is going to raise as his own then should he show a bit more interest? I’m preparing to be flamed for this.

He said he is excited for ME to find out the sex of the baby and hasn’t acknowleged anything I’ve said about feeling the baby move or any bump pictures I have sent him. Should I just back off and let him come to me and find his own path?? I know it’s far from ideal but I do want this family but not if it’s going to hurt him every day if it does turn out to be rebound mans baby. He has also said he doesn’t want to have a paternity test as he will raise the baby as his no matter what.

He doesn’t really open up to me about how he feels either and I’m worried he’s just saying what I want to hear to make me happy and sticking his head in the sand hoping we will live this happy life we once dreamed of.

Don’t really know what I’m expecting to hear from people. Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

BelulahBlanca · 04/06/2019 21:54

I would end it now and focus on your baby. He will be expecting things to go back to how they were when the baby is born.

LynetteScavo · 04/06/2019 21:56

If you were arguing before you will argue again.

CatsMother19 · 04/06/2019 21:58

This is a recipe for disaster I'm afraid. If you argued before the stress of a baby then you will argue after.
Take care of yourself and leave this situation.

Ginger1982 · 04/06/2019 22:03

No, don't get back with him just now. Sounds like he will cast the parentage up to you in future arguments.

Nearlythere1 · 04/06/2019 22:04

He's pretending to himself the baby doesn't exist and it's going to be a hard comedown to earth once it's born. Don't go back there.

HJWT · 04/06/2019 22:09

HE doesn't want a paternity test? Nothing to do with HIM what is in the best interest of your child is it? You have to do DNA I know exactly when I go pregnant but my baby measured 7 days bigger than those dates at 12 weeks !!! Not to mention late/early ovulation or implantation!

It isn't going to get better when the baby is here hun

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/06/2019 22:11

Homestly, the man adds nothing to the equation. Focus on your baby.

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:18

I know it isn’t going to get better. Don’t know why I am kidding myself.

I’m lucky enough to not have got myself in too far up to my neck and still have my own house - I guess I am just trying to make up for my wrong doing with regards to not being honest about the paternity by doing exactly what he asks.

I was in the supermarket with him earlier and saw one of his friends who completely blanked me and ex said he knew the situation A-Z - then we had an argument as I wasn’t happy he’s told every single one of his friends About it but has missed off the small serial where he said he would be there for baby and his response was ‘i haven’t done anything wrong I can tell who I like’ uhhhh ok ?? Don’t want to live a life where I’m made out to be a ! not the first to make a mistake! And defo won’t be the last! But one thing is for sure I do not regret this little bean inside of me!

OP posts:

HJWT · 04/06/2019 22:21

@Mommmytobe19 sorry wasn't you single when you slept with the other man!?

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:22

Yes yes was single

OP posts:

Feelingwalkedover · 04/06/2019 22:22

You need to end it ,and find out who’s daddy

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:22

But I wasn’t honest with my ex from finding out I was pregnant as I was convinced it was his so didn’t say anything until my scan

OP posts:

HJWT · 04/06/2019 22:23

@Mommmytobe19 so wtf have you done wrong ? He is being a prick and using that beautiful baby to punish you for going with another man and thats all he will ever do, he chose to get back with you and 'accept' the baby so why is he telling everyone and letting people treat you like shit ?

You need to get rid asap because the punishment won't end with you if it isn't his baby xx

Feelingwalkedover · 04/06/2019 22:25

Plenty of women do an excellent job at being a single parent.this relationship does not sound like a good start for your bean.
Make him earn his place as step father ...he needs to be committed to both of you.he doesn't sound like he is

HJWT · 04/06/2019 22:25

@Mommmytobe19 right ok! But if you was convinced it was his then why would you? Would of been different if he got the other woman pregnant wouldn't it because he could of just told her to get on with it on her own or told you to get over it ! X

Betty777 · 04/06/2019 22:25

at least he is keen to be involved? That way even if it doesn't work out between you, he will hopefully still be keen to be involved as a father. That's something, but it's not a reason to stay together

SunshineCake · 04/06/2019 22:25

I'd be on my own. Don't be with either man or a new one for quite a while. If he truly wanted to live happily ever after he'd fully embrace the pregnancy now. You'd be a fool to fall for his chat to get his end away guaranteed

VampirateQueen · 04/06/2019 22:29

Firstly, the lack of interest might not be because the baby might not be his, when I was pregnant my DH wasn't as interested in all that stuff as I was. For a lot of people these are big things in pregnancy, but in his head they were little things that just didn't involve him. When I have birth to our DD he looked at her and cried, you could see the love instantly, whereas I had trouble finding with her. He was a fantastic father straight away and really amazing. We became stronger as a couple after we had DD, that said it doesn't happen for everyone.
I wouldn't think about getting back together now, a baby isn't a magic fix all, yes some man really blossom after having kids, unfortunately some don't, they get worse if anything.
Stay amicable with him, keep him in the loop and get a paternity test when baby is born and then take it from there. Resign yourself to doing it alone, if he steps up to the plate and is a old dad after your baby is born, great and you can look at maybe trying again as a couple, if he doesn't you aren't left heartbroken with a new baby.

VampirateQueen · 04/06/2019 22:29

that should say good not old 🤦‍♀️

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/06/2019 22:33

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. You need to find out via a DNA test who the father is and not rush back onto a relationship that didn't work the first time.

I don't think he's done anything wrong telling his friends he may not be the father, it's the truth and he may want the support either way once the DNA test is done.

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:33

@HJWT

I have been thinking this but true to form he has got inside my head! I did think I had been pretty heartless not telling him the truth from the word go and let him believe then dropped a bombshell and I do think I am in the wrong for not being honest at least but I thought today why is he taking me back just to make me look a div.

And your right about punishment not ending with me if it’s not his. It’s turning my stomach just thinking of it.

Thank you for your advice peeps really appreciated xx

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/06/2019 22:34

Okay, so you should have told him that there was a good chance he wasn't the father. It must have been awful for him to think he was going to be a dad, then have that not be true. That said, he has offered to raise the baby as his and wants to get back together, so shouldn't be bad mouthing you to his friends or talking about your private business. Because of this I think it's impossible for this relationship to work out - he is still angry and I think in denial about what impact this baby will have.
A man who loved you and was totally on board with raising this baby with you,would show interest in the Pg and would defend you to his friends, not allow them to blank you in the street. There is too much of this situation where you will be forever cast as the bad guy and it means the relationship is unequal.
Best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is live away from him, get a DNA test (because your child has the right to know who it's dad is) and just concentrate on being a mum.
There's too much bad history for him to be good for your child imo.

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:38

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds

Really do agree. And I agree about the DNA test too. I don’t want my baby to have a blank mark on his/her birth certificate (no offence to anyone who does) and whoever the father is I do want baby to know daddy as these two men both have children and are really good dads

OP posts:

DpWm · 04/06/2019 22:41

No idea why he would have said he'd want to raise this other man's baby as his own. No man really wants to do that. He's messing with your head, or trying to manipulate you, or it was a heat of the moment thing to say which he'll inevitably come to regret.
It's an enormous thing to expect of him. I doubt he meant it.

Original poster

Mommmytobe19 · 04/06/2019 22:47

well I was hoping he was being serious and that it would be hunky dory and he would be giving shoulder rides to my little one in a few years. Guess I’m just lonely and scared and nervous as hell! I have been staying at his for the past week and I have enjoyed the company but I have also realised I hate living on my own. But I guess it won’t be for that much longer!

OP posts:

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