To take on this child as his own

[Mommmytobe19]

Name changed for this one.

So I had been with my partner for around 2 years and we split up and I moved out as we were just so unhappy constant arguing not getting along. He was meeting other women and I met a man Over the period of about 4 months. Both wasn’t anything serious probably just a bit of a rebound and each party knew what it was. Long story short I ended up pregnant and wasn’t sure if it was ex partner or rebound man as I saw my ex a week or so after rebound man. I didn’t tel my ex straight away there may be chance and I know I’m in the wrong for that but finally confessed at 12 week when the scan said it was rebound man baby but I know these aren’t always accurate and can be a week either side.

Ex now wants to get back together and raise baby as his own. He has spoken with rebound man who said he wants nothing to do with baby and for us to raise as our own.

Ex wants me to move back in and said everything will be fine we will move and live happily ever after. But he isn’t interested in anything I tell him about the pregnancy - which I understand is hard for him and it is my fault but if he is going to raise as his own then should he show a bit more interest? I’m preparing to be flamed for this.

He said he is excited for ME to find out the sex of the baby and hasn’t acknowleged anything I’ve said about feeling the baby move or any bump pictures I have sent him. Should I just back off and let him come to me and find his own path?? I know it’s far from ideal but I do want this family but not if it’s going to hurt him every day if it does turn out to be rebound mans baby. He has also said he doesn’t want to have a paternity test as he will raise the baby as his no matter what.

He doesn’t really open up to me about how he feels either and I’m worried he’s just saying what I want to hear to make me happy and sticking his head in the sand hoping we will live this happy life we once dreamed of.

Don’t really know what I’m expecting to hear from people. Sorry for the essay!

He doesn't want to raise another mans child.. he wants to exert his control over you, show the 'other' man that he could take you back in a heartbeat.. and he did..

I wouldn't let this man near my bloody laundry never mind my unborn child.

He's sold you a dream because he knew it was what you wanted to hear, but he has no intentions of seeing it through. This will not end well for you if you stay with him.

I am just trying to make up for my wrong doing with regards to not being honest about the paternity by doing exactly what he asks.

Sorry, what? That is neither normal nor healthy, why on earth would you think that was an appropriate course of action?

What were all the arguments caused by before you split up? And what made you think that bringing a pregnancy by somebody else into the mix would revive a dead, toxic relationship? Being with someone who treats you badly is never better than being on your own.

I think you need some support on what healthy relationships should look like before you get involved with anybody else. Try www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Offering your unflinching compliance to somebody as penance is not normal. It's really important you understand that or you're at risk of getting yourself and your baby into a really tough situation.

People who love us don't try to control us or want to control us. They thrive when they see us thriving.

By the way, what is it specifically about living on your own that you hate?

If you break it down into smaller elements you'll probably find there are ways to change those things. And none of them are going to involve getting into a toxic relationship with a controlling man.

Don’t do this. He will most likely be uninterested in the baby. Unkind to you and the baby will grow up to be a child who knows something is not right. The pain of feeling it’s their fault is life changing. I have been that child, it’s simply not fair on the child.
Get a DNA test.

Don’t give him all the power over you because you ostn want to be alone.

Don’t

plus not tha tyou should rush into bringing another man into this but...you wont be alone forever.but you deserve to meet someone who supports,loves and repsets you.and will adore you without controling or making you feel like you need to live in sin for something for the rest of ur life!constantly bringing up everytime you do something wrong how you did this to him and also how will he treat the little one.every time it does something wrong "your not mine" "your deal with your child" "he must get this from his dad" i can imagine him spilling out these to name a few

we split up and I moved out as we were just so unhappy constant arguing not getting along

Baby or no baby, what has happened to resolve the above? What has changed to make you feel that anything will be any different now?

I’m seeing some red flags in the way you talk about him (what does ‘true to form he has got inside my head’ mean?) and I get the feeling you’re going along with what he says because you feel guilty

I’d think very carefully about having the father’s name on the birth certificate if there is a chance you may split from him or he wants to control you and your child.
Once he is on there he has so many rights over your child, including access. This may cause you a lot of pain and expense in the future.
Not saying don’t- just think carefully.

You had already broken up. This baby is not going to be a sticking plaster to this relationship. It’ll just be a tie to a man you don’t want to be with.

I agree with others, this doesn’t sound healthy for you or your baby. He doesn’t sound invested and you shouldn’t do what he wants because you feel guilty for not telling him sooner. There is no obligation to tell him, you didn’t need to tell him straight away, you need time to soak in the fact you are pregnant, he doesn’t come into it at all. I’d suggest leaving him and focus on yourself for a bit.

OP I would definitely be leaving a blank mark on the father section of your baby's birth certificate given neither is showing any interest, and the one who is showing interest is already looking for ways to punish you.

You both argued and cheated on one another and you consequently become pregnant.

Your ex in his desire for you two to get back together appears to have blocked out anything to do with the pregnancy and has convinced himself he'll be fine once the baby is here. I don't think that will be the case at all.

You know your relationship better than us all, do you honestly think you both won't have a repeat of what happened before?

Your ex doesn't appear to understand the magnitude of the whole situation currently and I think it will hit him hard if the baby is not his.

Honestly, I would advise that you currently step away completely. Focus on yourself and your child and once he/she is born please do do a test as it's just for that child to know who his/her father truly is.

Either way, both potential fathers should be told the result. If the child belongs to your ex, perhaps that is when a discussion regarding you two being together again and giving it a go can begin. However, even then I would suggest you start slow and just see how he is as a father first.

Your child deserves a healthy and secure environment to grow up in, please do think carefully about every decision.

Good luck to you OP. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery.

Oops OP, I did want to say, I apologise if your opening post meant that you met someone else once you ended your relationship. I assumed that you meant that the reason you both broke up was because of the arguing and the fact you both had met other people too.

Apologies if I did get it the wrong way round.

You need to be single. Baby will be absolutely fine with you. Neither of the potential fathers sound like a good bet.
When you have the DNA test that will be the time to arrange financial contributions and access.
But don't go back to your ex. He doesn't get to discuss with another bloke who's going to take ownership of you and your unborn child you're not possessions to be negotiated over.

Just want to add that if he did turn out to be the baby's father, that shouldn't automatically mean that you get back together. Lots of men are better at being a dad than they are at being a partner, although I do believe that part of being a decent parent is being respectful towards your child's other parent.

@oneforthepain

The arguments were over money, his reckless spending, drinking too much, disrespecting me in general. I don’t even know why I have wrote anything on here the writing is on the wall.

About living on my own I just don’t like being on my own, the house I live in is pretty cute it’s a 1800 century cottage but it’s plagued with wood lice and the heating is just too expensive to turn on as it has electric storage heaters. No body comes to visit me, my mum and dad don’t really get in touch often and my sisters both have children and live a good distance away so I can’t always afford the petrol money to go see them and I understand they all have their own lives too. My cousin lives on the end the road so I see her semi frequently but she likes to go out drinking quite a bit and I obviously can’t go along with her nor do I want to be out in town of a night whilst I’m pregnant.

I didn’t think it would revive the relationship, I knew full well it wasn’t going to be easy at all and i guess I just said yes to everything because I know I’d hurt him and I felt guilty seeing him cry and that he has told his friends and family about the baby and I’ve said it may not be his.

@lisasimpsonssaxophone

Nothing has happened to resolve the issues, he has made more of an effort to curb his spending but that is since living on his own and not having me to organise the finances and basically wipe his ass. He’s in debt with a lot of stuff I helped him clear and has taken loans out to go out drinking - guess I have just contradicted the ‘he’s made more effort’ part. He isn’t drinking as much anymore I guess what’s the only thing and that’s due to his new job where he starts really early.

I feel like if I say I want to go home and stay there it will cause an uproar because I’m not doing as he asks and he will hold me over a barrel with certain things like announcing to everyone on social media the situation I’m in. Really just wish I could fast forward this part of my life and look back on it being a terrible nightmare. Just feel like I’ve made a massive cock up of my life and I’m messing everyone around every two mins

On a practical level, get pest control in to deal with the woodlice if you can't get rid of them yourself. Old storage heaters can be replaced by more efficient, newer ones. Or just get some oil filled plug in heaters and put them where you need them, rather than have heating on in the whole house if it's too expensive. In all honesty,living with a man who borrows money to go drinking will have a far worse effect on your finances than putting the heating on!
Can you sell the house and move? Or if it's housing association/council you could put in for a transfer.
You can't live with an unsuitable man because you want company. Even if he didn't mean to, he will hurt you because this whole situation is too messy.

Also threatening behaviour is never going to help this relationship work. Leave anyway and block him from your social media. You can't control what he says, but you can control how you react to it. He will show himself up as much as you - people will judge him for airing his personal business on FB and the sort of people who think it's okay to do so are not people you want in your life

Things will get MUCH worse when the baby is born. Having a baby is a massive strain on even the strongest relationship. He’s clearly not interested in the baby or your feelings. Get out while you can.

let him spread muck how he wants.anyone that doesnt see this as disgusting behaviour are not worth your worries anyway.and remember online some people love a public hanging!and just come on there to be nasty for the kicks for the day.
this is about so much more than that petty shit hes bring to your door now.youve got a little one.a family!be it a family of two for now doesntmatter.you will soon realise how everything else falls away when your holding them and helping them grow.let him be a manchild while you look after your real child.
and if you havent got anything then create it.dont see it as having nothing or noone but as exctement to go and make your life wha tyou want it to be.
its an old soppy cliche but 'its not what happens to you,but how you deal with what happens to you that matter.' i think its such a good one.becasue shit really does happen.but its those that look at it different that continue to thrive from it.
you can do this.

There are men who would be happy to raise another man's baby. I've known one or two. But he is not one of them

If you get together he will:

expect the focus to be on him

expect you to be constantly making up for having "sinned" (and I for one am not entirely sure you have)

expect the baby to be invisible- imagine how that will pan out when the baby is a tantrumming 3yo or stroppy teenager

expect money to be spent on him- and babies and children do actually need some money spent on them

not be loyal to you in front of his friends

keep you stuck within a social circle who see him as a martyr

prioritise his drinking above his family

bring the child up to think that mummy is in the wrong and therefore a) if female- that it is a woman's job to apologise b) if male- that women are there to make you feel good

That child will be far better off with just you.

You are willing to leave this flakey guy into your baby’s life, play ‘daddy’ when he can turn around and walk away, leaving that child ‘fatherless’ at any moment. You really think this is a good idea? That it is fair on the baby? Time a bit of common sense come into play. Walk away, have the baby, and if things work out further down the line, then so be it. But I can guarantee it won’t.

Op, you would appear to be describing an abusive relationship.

He has been abusing you. Coercive control. That might be confusing to hear, especially as you've been conditioned to see it as normal. But it's not. It's not how everyone else is living. It's not what a healthy relationship looks like. Someone doesn't ever have to hit you to have been subjecting you to extreme abuse.

Going on the Freedom Programme honestly changed my life for the better. I cannot recommend it to you enough. They won't judge you or tell you what to do. They just have lots of really helpful info they can share with you to help you build a life that is better. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

As for cocking up your life... Any mistakes you've made now are gone, in the past. You can't change the past, but with every new day you can make different choices and different decisions that slowly but surely will mean you have more days to look back on where you're happy with the decisions you made, and also will mean you end up living a happier, calmer, healthier life.

I know you can't picture that right now, all you need to keep in your head is that you're working towards it and walking away from the messy stuff in the past.

Perhaps you could make today's different choice contacting the Freedom Programme to see if there's a group running near you? (The groups are free to attend and confidential. They don't even keep attendance records.) Like I said before, but I'll repeat it because it's important: they won't judge you. You don't even have to share your experiences with them. You can just listen and take what you need from it.

There's no sense beating yourself up about things you can't change. Use that energy to shape your present instead. Make today better.

You can only change the person you become, not the past.