To have spent most of today crying my eyes out

[poodlepantaloons]

I consider myself pretty resilient, had a shit tonne of crap happen over the past few years. Dealt with it, got strong.
But today I just couldn't. Proper sobbing.
My ex was v abusive, I had ptsd, I got out with my young dc, set up a stable home helped by women's aid, counselling for both of us. Dc trauma meant serious behaviour problems.but worked my butt off, it improved, went to every parenting course going, read every book. Life improved after a hard hard slog.
Then ex takes me to family court. I fight to protect dc, is forced to contact screaming and pissing self, begging not to go.
He drives dc round asking where we live and finds us. He Went back to court to do school pick up which is on my street.
All the police reports and stuff ignored. His rights over welfare of child.
He is due first pick up on Friday and after all the slog and the fight I just feel so sad and tired and scared as I don't want him here. Trying to keep up appearances for dc.
I can't even move without telling him in advance. And he could in theory stop me. So sick of him having power over our lives.
Feel so defeated today. Dc behaviour has deteriorated drastically,
We were in public when out of the blue dc had a meltdown bit and pulled out handfuls of my hair, punched kicked and screamed to horror of others. Someone filmed it on their phone. Dc is 8 now. I can't live like this. I am covered in bites and bruises. I had worked so hard.
It's like I don't matter, the abuse doesn't matter. His rights are all that matters. I can't stop crying.

I am so sorry, I have no useful advice for you but I didn't want you to think no one cared. I am sure someone else will be along soon with advice.

It's not his rights that matter but dcs rights to see their father. Its not much comfort now but your DC will know which parent loved and cared for them in time. Carry on being consistent, all children test boundaries. And nothing wrong in having a cry every noe and then.

Sorry, nothing to say to help, except that a bully likes to make you feel powerless, so if I were you, I'd ask all of your family and friends to be at your home and very visible on the evenings he picks up. Don't let him intimidate you.
Is it just Friday eve you have to see him? What times has he been granted? All unsupervised?

to you OP. What an absolute arse your ex is. You will get through this, don't lose hope. Have you got a good friend you can call?

No advice, just these.

I never cease to be amazed how often courts award contact when anyone in their right mind can see it's an appalling idea.

"All children test boundaries" The poor child in question isn't testing boundaries she had a freaking panic attack over the thought of going to see her abusive monster of a father RedHelenB

There were serious safeguarding concerns by ss but ignored by court.
He undermines any progress made for dcs anxiety. It just feels so futile right now, building up towers only to get them knocked down.
He has a serious personality disorder, again not thought by court to be a problem.

Sadly I have no advice but want to send you a very unMN hug. I'm so sorry you and your DC are being put through this hell.

hugs op . There are no words .
There should be a law against filming such.
Your child is not doing it on purpose. It is a form of illness I suppose, ( his way of coping or not coping as the case may be.)
You have done great and .
Be kind to yourself, I only wish I could be more positive.
I know what its like to spend days crying through what seems lack of help.

So sorry you are having to go through this and blimey you have been through it. You sound incredibly resilient and on here the amount of folks given advice to leave and create the home needed for their kids is so often- but not everyone has the strength to do it. So I'm acknowledging to you that you have done it and are doing an amazing job for your DC. They will be fine because you are and have been thier constant.

It sounds like sadly the fight isn't over and now you need to draw on support - school, camhs, gp to support your kids and thier relationship with thier dad. Can you keep a behaviour diary too?

In the meantime, do you have good support in RL for yourself?

Sending hugs x

Can you call Women's Aid again - just for some support? I am sure they will help, as will your GP? I can't believe this is happening to you. and I really feel your pain. I cannot believe that your ex is getting away with this. Keep a diary of events and log everything - even the behaviour of your child. The pattern may emerge that the behaviour deteriorates either side of a visit. When do they listen to a child's wishes?? Good luck.xxx

You need to ring social services and get cafcass involved ! X

What did CAFCASS say?

@HJWT: If they've gone to court over this, there should have been at least a safeguarding letter, if not a s7 report.

Cross post with tea and crisps-but the right sentiment from both of us.

@GruffaIo yes but the child is now physically abusing its mother, things have changed. And if something isn't done 1 of 2 things will happen either the child will end up in care or worse!!! No one is considering op's mental health in all of this!

It's so hard, particularly when it comes to the courts, and ss and cafcass. They all consider the child's needs first (and of course this is first and foremost the priority) but no-one considers the mother's. Particularly those who have been left broken and screwed over, and in your case, physically injured. Have you spoken to cafcass??

I’m so sorry. These twats always have it their way. Has your child got a counsellor to talk to? It sounds like he’s seen you being abused and is acting in a way that is sadly all too common.

Its okay to cry. I had a bloody good cry in the loos at work today. I’ve been in a DV relationship and thanks to having a child have to put up with him being in our lives.

Can you call SS again, explain the affect it is having on your child? Surely an eight year old should have some say, especially if he's this upset?

I would also speak to your GP if possible, they may be able to help.

Thanks for your messages. The case is over so Cafcass has signed us off. I have used all my savings and in debt for court( got legal aid first time but over threshold for second)

School don't want to be seen to be taking 'sides'.

S7 identified risks and we started off in contact centre supervised, but that isn't forever. Then something worrying happened on an overnight and contact was stopped by Cafcass.
During this time dc improved, would finally leave the house and not make weird noises, or beg me to keep them 'safe'. Then he went back to court and forced a psychologist report which was rubbish, formulaic and judgemental ( saying single parent often have boundaries issues,diagnosed his p.d but still recommended 'pushing on through the inevitable deterioration of dc behaviour '. So contact resumed. I'm the one having to push on through and it's hell.

On waiting list for Cahms.

I really thought I had a bit of space to have a bit of life for myself . Now the world has got very small again.

If you need a safe place for support and empathy try here:
www.facebook.com/groups/homeforrestoringlove/

What a horrendous situation. My heart goes out to you and your child. I wish I had advice but I know nothing of the legalities. From a moral point of view, it sounds completely unjust that an abusive man would earn any rights to see his child away from you and without supervision. I hope you find a way to distance yourself again somehow.

If I were you, I would push more for cafcass intervention and for ss to back you up. Something 'worrying' happened? Obviously don't feel you have to say anymore, but that's surely enough to take it back to court???
You have my utmost sympathies, op. Luckily my ex only has court ordered indirect contact (court order actually reads 'at my discretion') and I have a pso in place that means he can't touch us. I felt a bit like you before, but after having the court orders I now feel like I am protected and no longer having to look over my shoulder constantly... obviously that's different to your situation if he lives nearby...

This sounds awful.

I'm no expert on the legalities but from a medical point of view it might be worth seeing or speaking to your GP to get the deterioration in both your and your child's mental health documented at least and maybe to attempt to speed up CAHMS (latter not always possible however hard GP shouts). Also if you want any specific mental health support yourself.

If you ever did go back to court then your solicitor could ask for GP to write a report on your child which it sound like would support your wishes.

It's terrible that you don't have recourse to legal aid in a situation like this. I know there are some legal firms that try to offer low/no fees and I guess others may know how to point you in their direction.

That is fucking horrendous. I’m so sorry you and DC are having to go through this. Have Social Services been made aware of this latest distressing behaviour? Could you maybe contact your MP for help?