To have spent most of today crying my eyes out

[poodlepantaloons]

I consider myself pretty resilient, had a shit tonne of crap happen over the past few years. Dealt with it, got strong.
But today I just couldn't. Proper sobbing.
My ex was v abusive, I had ptsd, I got out with my young dc, set up a stable home helped by women's aid, counselling for both of us. Dc trauma meant serious behaviour problems.but worked my butt off, it improved, went to every parenting course going, read every book. Life improved after a hard hard slog.
Then ex takes me to family court. I fight to protect dc, is forced to contact screaming and pissing self, begging not to go.
He drives dc round asking where we live and finds us. He Went back to court to do school pick up which is on my street.
All the police reports and stuff ignored. His rights over welfare of child.
He is due first pick up on Friday and after all the slog and the fight I just feel so sad and tired and scared as I don't want him here. Trying to keep up appearances for dc.
I can't even move without telling him in advance. And he could in theory stop me. So sick of him having power over our lives.
Feel so defeated today. Dc behaviour has deteriorated drastically,
We were in public when out of the blue dc had a meltdown bit and pulled out handfuls of my hair, punched kicked and screamed to horror of others. Someone filmed it on their phone. Dc is 8 now. I can't live like this. I am covered in bites and bruises. I had worked so hard.
It's like I don't matter, the abuse doesn't matter. His rights are all that matters. I can't stop crying.

Your situation is terrible, and on top of that you must feel powerless and unheard. I wish I could give you more power, but I, and the other posters here are listening and you do have a voice here. You have every reason to feel the way you do, I hope it gets better for you and your child.

Also could you ask the school to do a behaviour diary- that isn't keeping sides it's just about information sharing. (which would also potentially help your case). Appreciate this might also cause issues if it has to go to your child's father though.

Times like these, it'd be better if the ex was dead.

Is it possible that you could ask the person who filmed it to send you the film.. and take advice on whether it would help or hinder. I'd also ask them if they would please not put the film online. Its worth a shot. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and although I don't know enough to offer real advice I'm sure someone here can. Apparently there is a legal advice thread and perhaps they might help too. Sending you all best wishes

The family court seems to be a twisted parallel universe in which the rights of abusive NRPs are prioritised over the safety and wellbeing of everyone else.

If children resist attending contact, it's the resident parent's fault. If they tell social care about the abuse they suffer during contact, the RP is admonished for parental alienation.

If the RP keeps a diary, they are accused of evidence gathering. If they seek support for the distressed child from professionals, they are accused of fabricating.

If safeguarding concerns are raised by schools about what the children say about contact, the facts are misrecorded/twisted and then lost in the mists of time.

Even when abusive NRPs admit to having been abusive, they are given chance after chance to prove that they have learned to be better parents.

All the while, the children are becoming more and more damaged, the abuse of them and the RP continues and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.

I don't know the solution but I do know that the recent thread about making parental alienation a crime is terrifying. It would just empower these abusers further.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this position. Please make sure you are very careful not to say anything to you DCs that could be used to justify any accusation of parental alienation.

Please do make sure you have someone with you for any pick ups. If you can afford it, a CCTV camera protecting the front of your property that can record interactions at the front door could be helpful.

The meltdowns sound horrific but they are only happening because your DC feels safe with you. DC will know that you are always there for them and in a few years, will have the right to refuse contact.

Sending hugs and

It is shit but you will get through it and your DC will always know you were there for them in every way possible.

Oh Poodlepantaloons I was in your situation.
I left my ex as he was physically abusive to our 3yo dd. Couple of years down the line he took me to court (after going to mediation as a tick box exercise), to force her to stay over. I had to watch her rocking and saying she would rather die than go. It broke my heart, and me.
We went to the gp who referred her to the healthy child team, even though my solicitor advised me not to go. She had mental health support in school (neutral place) so the school had to be involved.
It was a year of hell and a lot of money, but the healthy child team were amazing and made sure she was listened to by the court at 6. At the end of the day it is their right to contact, not their fathers, and we ended up with a court order that said she had the choice whether to go or not, and he had to rebuild the relationship.
I would say definitely go to the gp, and try to escalate it to the family court rather than the magistrates, so you have a proper judge hearing the case.
Best of luck to you and your poor dc.

So sorry this is happening OP, it’s horrendous.

Can you contact Ss again, I’d also be pushing for family services to get involved. They were very good with my DD. She ended up as a ‘child at risk’, but that actually meant that SS then had to take it really serious and start to take action. It was scary as hell for me as I worried they’d take her from me. But actually they were behind me and helping me. Firstly to sort her behaviour out and also to stop what was causing her anxiety and remove any risks

It's not his rights that matter but dcs rights to see their father. Its not much comfort now but your DC will know which parent loved and cared for them in time.

Bollocks. Family court has had a huge hard on for giving men whatever they ask for over the rights of their children for years now. An 8 year old who pees him/herself in fear would obviously prefer to exert their right not to see their father. And by the way, the 8 year old also obviously knows who cares for and loves them, now. But yes, let's put them and their mother through several more years of hell, because reasons... Any chance you're a social worker?

Disgusting! Keep fighting OP.

Can you get a restraining order? With him going to the extreme of driving round to find your house he is bound to break it and hopefully that will harm his chances of contact? That's all I've got - what a nightmare situation

Thankyou for all the replies. I've only just managed to get out of dc's bedroom as bedtime takes so long. Minor 'no's from me trigger massive meltdowns- lots of glass everywhere tonight and a new bite on my arm.

I'm so tired of it, I did the rounds with ss and early help the first time and they were supportive and said it was my duty to have no contact , but have no power in family court. In fact my solicitor didn't put their evidence in as it annoys Cafcass& judge to be told their job.

. I just wanted to get on with life. He's had 5 partners since we split, I've not had any space in my life to even think about it, even given someone would not be scared off by dc. I need some love, I miss hugs and someone to talk to. I'm so lonely.

Yes, parental alienation has been thrown at me.
He wants to keep me in his circus of drama, it's what he lives for.

I'm having a very down day, and I pride myself on being a hard won optimist. Thanks for walking by my side. I feel like I don't even love my dc anymore, because I can't protect or keep them safe and my prime directive is failing. I've fought so hard and I'm so tired I just don't want to do it all over again.

This is heartbreaking to read and I'm sorry the courts have let you down and your vile ex is getting things all his way. Just remember kids are not kids forever and while you feel powerless now, there will come a time when your kids see their dad for the waster he is and will be able to make their own choices.

The system is fucked.

He wants to keep me in his circus of drama, it's what he lives for.

You need to be a grey rock as much as possible.

Cut down the ways he can contact you. Get a new phone number and use the one he has in a cheap phone just for him. Switch it off when you don't want to hear from him or block his number and just use emails to communicate with him.

When he does things to rile you, try very hard not to react. Never reply straight away. Get friends to help you remove all emotion from your communications. Tell him just what he needs to know and nothing else. Never justify your decisions and don't even let him think you care in the slightest what he thinks of you.

The less response he gets from his drama, the better.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I also had a difficult case and had to self rep, fortunately I had an excellent Cafcass officer and a similarly good set of magistrates who really did put my son first. It angers me so very much that you and others are not afforded the same protection when the evidence speaks for itself. Please don't give up.

Please contact Rights of Women (an arse to get through to but please persist, they are excellent). The other is Coram Children's Legal Centre. What about Women's Aid again? I would also go back to the school and in no uncertain terms make the current situation very clear to them and tell them that it is not about "taking sides", it's about protecting the welfare of your child. I am outraged that they have taken this stance. I presume you have a Family Welfare Officer or similar? Appointment with them urgently.

I would take it back to court, self rep if you must. If your child is that distressed when you are due to handover, I simply wouldn't do it and I would go back to court and tell them why. I have a specific court order and I wouldn't hesitate to do this if my son was in that sort of state. I am also appalled at Cafcass for not fighting your child's corner in the way that they should. I also agree with another poster's suggestion of going to your GP. Everything you can possibly get recorded. I also agree with getting it escalated to a Judge. I was fortunate with the magistrates but I have seen many who aren't. With all due respect, these are volunteer lay people and I am not always sure they are qualified to make such decisions, particularly in cases like this.

Further whoever said "children test boundaries", for goodness sake! This is an abuse situation. Clearly you have never had experience of anything like this.

OP, could I suggest you ask @MNHQ to move this to legal where you may get more specific, tailored advice. There are a few family lawyers floating about who have given me excellent advice in the past. @Collaborate is one.

Good luck and remind yourself what a fantastic mummy you are!

The same as a PP mentioned do you have friends and family that can be at your house when he picks up and drops of your DC?

If you do get them involved,the bully would be a fucking idiot to start infront of lots of witnesses and if he did report him to the police and SS!

Can you set something up in your home to show SS how your child reacts when they hear that they have to spend time with him and make sure you record anything your ex ever says to you or trys to do to you so you have hard proof of what he's like,I know they can't use it in court but SS would have to take notice of what you showed them.

Also, please please document injuries received by your DC and take photos. This is definitely something you should present to your GP.

I have no useful advice on your particular situation but I know what it's like to feel the whole world is against you and nothing is going your way. You just need a break and it feels like it will never come.
It's totally shit and unfair and I'm sorry.

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds absolutely awful and I’m
not surprised you’re feeling down and worn out. You must see your GP regarding your child’s attacks on you and also tell the GP the full extent of your situation. If your GP isn’t helpful, persist and see another one. This isn’t fair on you or your child. You all deserve a happy and healthy life, with no fear. Your ex is controlling you all and making your lives miserable. Can’t believe all you’ve been through and he was still awarded contact. Please try Woman’s Aid again . Is there a Surestart centre near you? Or contact your Health Visitor, they have a duty to help your child. Basically keep banging on the professional’s doors until someone really listens and takes positive action. I know you must be totally exhausted and the thought of fighting again is overwhelming. But you can do it. You deserve a happy life. Stay strong and thinking of you xxx

Another hand hold

Thanks for the advice.
I'll contact gp and ss again.

The feeling at family court was they'd heard it all before, of course dc will complain but they'll get used to it, and for the parents to stop squabbling and sort it out. Abuse of mother doesn't mean abuse of child.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so wrong and it shouldn't be happening to you.

I wish I had some practical advice. It must be so hard. You have clearly worked so hard to change things for you and your son. I thought the child’s interests were meant to come first, not the parents’. Hope that your GP helps and that the CAMHs referral comes through soon.

Even if the school “don’t want to take sides” -been there- push for counselling. I had to push for counselling for a year before lo got it. It then stopped, but a year later, the school offered to restart it.

I phoned first response this morning, am being referred to family support.
Just been in a daze today.
Being pro active helps.
I'm hoping tonight isn't so explosive.

I hope everything is soon resolved. It's so sad the family courts won't listen to the people that actually want the best for your son.