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AIBU?

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Original poster

Delete apps from my partners phone

62 replies

Lydja · 04/06/2019 16:31

So, I’ve been with my partner for a year, I’m 30 weeks pregnant and he’s at the end stage of his divorce being finalized. He’s Irish I am Dutch and we live in Ireland.. (just a bit of back info).

Over the last few months I felt the need to check his phone, our sex life has gone down a bit but that was mainly because of my lack of sex drive being pregnant, lately it has gone up way much but he seems uninterested, so I checked his phone, while I have no thought of him actually cheating on me in real life I have found porn vids in his download history, now the first time I just left it open for him to see when he unlocks his phone when he did and a few seconds later got like a shocked look on his face (obviously faked since by then he was in a different app since the background was now grey/brownish instead of white) I played dumb and asked what was wrong, he showed me and I was like oh okay (I have no problem with him watching porn I just don’t want him to lie about it), he claimed it was because his dads phone that he had just given to his dad was still logged on his cloud and his dad was downloading all the porn (I didn’t believe him but didn’t question him either just told him that it’s okay if he wants to watch porn but don’t lie about it, fast forward to a week ago again I found an app that you can save downloads to with some porn videos, I deleted them and left the phone how it was later the app was uninstalled, today I found another app called Kode which after doing a quick search is a free private browser and place to store downloads and can be password protected.. now it seemed unused and I deleted it.. all these recent things haven’t been brought up by him or me and I don’t know if I should, he’s always been someone to keep his phone close to him and uses it at night to listen to horror stories to make him fall asleep..

Aibu to delete those apps and files? He has no job (whole different story but not relevant for this situation) so no need to store files for work that are confidential.. I don’t see what else besides porn he could be hiding.. Again I don’t mind him watching porn as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life which I feel it has now..

OP posts:
mrkaykay · 04/06/2019 16:38

You dont mind him watching porn but you keep deleting it and goading him into feeling bad about it by making him see you've seen it. No wonder your sex life is going south not exactly an open and understanding relationship.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 04/06/2019 16:42

Why are you on his phone so much? What does he say about you deleting apps and interfering with his stuff? If I was him I'd be really annoyed with you.
Have you spoken to him properly about this, or do you just do this passive aggressive sneaky stuff?

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 16:43

Would you have a problem with him going into your phone, snooping round it, and deleting anything he deemed inappropriate/unacceptable? Would that seem to you to be quite controlling, dictatorial behaviour?

QueenofPain · 04/06/2019 16:45

If you don’t have a problem with him watching porn then why do you keep going on his phone and deleting porn related stuff?

Something doesn’t add up.

DianaT1969 · 04/06/2019 16:45

With kindness OP, I think this behaviour is childish. Are you in your early twenties? You are checking his phone, invading his privacy and trying to shame him. I don't think the future looks good for your relationship. How was your behaviour in relationships before this? Similar?

yorkshirecountrylass · 04/06/2019 16:46

You've said you don't mind him watching it. If that's the case leave his phone alone and let him store whatever he wants on there. If that's not the case tell him that. You can't expect him to come to some miraculous conclusion based on passive aggressive actions!

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 16:46

What is the point of deleting the apps? That is your actual problem.

Original poster
Lydja · 04/06/2019 16:48

The problem is when I do bring it up not specifically what I’ve seen but porn in general and him watching it he said he doesn’t and he sees no need for it, that he did when he was younger, he often boasts about the stash he had as a teenager and how he used it sometimes when he was single.. But doesn’t now, I also know if I would bring it up he would deny it and probably try to claim it’s his dad on the same cloud..

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 04/06/2019 16:49

So you're controling what he, a grown man, has on his phone? I'm sorry but he needs to run now

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/06/2019 16:51

Honestly? You are being unreasonable.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/06/2019 16:52

You don't get to delete stuff off his phone.

Teddybear45 · 04/06/2019 16:54

He clearly is watching porn. You shaming him for it has just made him lie to you - so you deleting the apps will make no difference. He’ll just get cleverer at hiding it from you.

You both have bigger things to worry about at the moment with the baby coming and what are clearly communication issues between the two of you. Focus on getting the latter sorted out before baby comes because if not I guarantee they will get worse.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2019 16:54

You are batshit

LudoFriend · 04/06/2019 16:56

What everyone else said. YABU. How would you feel if he was invading your privacy, shaming you and being PA rather than having a mature conversation?

Batshittery · 04/06/2019 16:57

You're always checking his phone and deleting stuff? Shock He should run for the hills

SparklyMagpie · 04/06/2019 16:59

Completely out of order and you bloody know it!

I'd be off

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 17:00

So you have issues with his lack of transparency and his dishonesty concerning porn. Do you think he might have similar issues with YOUR lack of transparency and YOUR dishonesty concerning porn? Because you are being sneaky, and dishonest, playing nasty little head games with him. I think perhaps you aren't seeing just how hypocritical you're being.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/06/2019 17:00

This isn't okay. You shouldn't be doing any of this.

OP - stay away from his phone and stop deleting things!

NotACleverName · 04/06/2019 17:00

How would you feel if he deleted apps from your phone? You need to ask yourself if you’d be okay with that. I suspect you wouldn’t, so why do you feel it’s okay to do it to him?

He needs to leave, tbh.

NorthernSpirit · 04/06/2019 17:02

God, what a mess.

You have been with your partner a year and are 30 weeks pregnant.

You go through his phone (controlling behaviour) and anything you don’t like you delete.

If this was a woman posting MN would be up in arms that he’s a controlling abuser.

You obviously have trust issues. I would work in that before you push this man away. Your behaviour is unacceptable.

Gazelda · 04/06/2019 17:02

So if he'd said 'listen, you've said in the past that you're ok with me watching porn. But we both know that you're frequently checking my phone and deleting any apps you don't like the look of. You're making me hide the porn.' Would you be able to see his point of view?

You don't like liars.
He probably doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust him.
You two need to talk and solve this before the baby comes and life gets a whole lot more complicated.

SparklyMagpie · 04/06/2019 17:03

Oh an you also said yourself that sec has dwindled because of your sex drive whilst being pregnant so dont pin this all down on the porn

You clearly do have an issue with him watching it and tbh if was told it was ok or not if I wanted to watch porn, I'd be off for that alone.

You're not his mum, give the bloke a break, you sound like a pain in the arse

Hadalifeonce · 04/06/2019 17:03

OP, if you really don't have problem with him watching porn, but are getting annoyed that he appears to be lying to you; you need to sit down with him and talk about it. You can say you don't have a problem with him watching it, but feel that it is interfering with your sex life, and point out that you don't understand any need he might have for lying about it.

Just talk to the man.

melj1213 · 04/06/2019 17:03

YABVVVVU

Talk directly with him "I was on your phone and saw the porn that has been downloaded. I don't mind if you watch it but be honest about it" or dont say anything and stay off his phone.

Either way it is controlling to be constantly snooping on his phone and deleting things you dont like, especially since all he's doing is downloading the same stuff repeatedly since you havent told him directly not to

SparklyMagpie · 04/06/2019 17:08

*sex