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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Delete apps from my partners phone

62 replies

Lydja · 04/06/2019 16:31

So, I’ve been with my partner for a year, I’m 30 weeks pregnant and he’s at the end stage of his divorce being finalized. He’s Irish I am Dutch and we live in Ireland.. (just a bit of back info).

Over the last few months I felt the need to check his phone, our sex life has gone down a bit but that was mainly because of my lack of sex drive being pregnant, lately it has gone up way much but he seems uninterested, so I checked his phone, while I have no thought of him actually cheating on me in real life I have found porn vids in his download history, now the first time I just left it open for him to see when he unlocks his phone when he did and a few seconds later got like a shocked look on his face (obviously faked since by then he was in a different app since the background was now grey/brownish instead of white) I played dumb and asked what was wrong, he showed me and I was like oh okay (I have no problem with him watching porn I just don’t want him to lie about it), he claimed it was because his dads phone that he had just given to his dad was still logged on his cloud and his dad was downloading all the porn (I didn’t believe him but didn’t question him either just told him that it’s okay if he wants to watch porn but don’t lie about it, fast forward to a week ago again I found an app that you can save downloads to with some porn videos, I deleted them and left the phone how it was later the app was uninstalled, today I found another app called Kode which after doing a quick search is a free private browser and place to store downloads and can be password protected.. now it seemed unused and I deleted it.. all these recent things haven’t been brought up by him or me and I don’t know if I should, he’s always been someone to keep his phone close to him and uses it at night to listen to horror stories to make him fall asleep..

Aibu to delete those apps and files? He has no job (whole different story but not relevant for this situation) so no need to store files for work that are confidential.. I don’t see what else besides porn he could be hiding.. Again I don’t mind him watching porn as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life which I feel it has now..

OP posts:

theWarOnPeace · 04/06/2019 17:10

So you weren’t with him long before getting pregnant, he’s still married and doesn’t have a job. You looked through his phone and deleted stuff but haven’t confronted him directly and are playing weird games.

Sounds like a recipe for a healthy relationship!

Pinkvoid · 04/06/2019 17:13

You rushed things with him, probably don’t trust or really know him fully and now you’re paying the price I’m afraid.

He hasn’t done anything wrong but you clearly don’t trust him and I understand why, you got pregnant after knowing him for four months? It’s too much, too soon I’m afraid.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 04/06/2019 17:15

YABVU! If you dont like it just talk to him! Don't sneakily delete stuff off his phone!

Eliza9919 · 04/06/2019 17:15

The problem is when I do bring it up not specifically what I’ve seen but porn in general and him watching it he said he doesn’t and he sees no need for it, that he did when he was younger, he often boasts about the stash he had as a teenager and how he used it sometimes when he was single.. But doesn’t now, I also know if I would bring it up he would deny it and probably try to claim it’s his dad on the same cloud..

He probably thinks what he wanks to, when and how, is no one's business but his own. Which he would be perfectly correct in thinking.

Its none of your business.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 04/06/2019 17:16

You're also clearly NOT fine with him watching porn so maybe be honest with him about it or how on earth will he know?!

werideatdawn · 04/06/2019 17:16

YABU and controlling and a bit weird.

DavetheCat2001 · 04/06/2019 17:23

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/06/2019 17:23

What good is deleting it going to do? He'll just download it again. Or get in the habit of downloading and deleting, and you'll never know if he's doing it or not.

You need to have a conversation about this. Don't tell him that you're fine with porn if you're not. If you are, and it's genuinely just the lying that is bothering you, then stop ignoring it. When he lied, you could have said that you'd seen that earlier, instead of just accepting it. When he lies next, you can call him on it. Passive-aggressively agreeing and then deleting things from his phone is childish, and unlikely to lead to any good results.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2019 17:27

I love how he listens to horror stories in an attempt to get to sleep.

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2019 17:28

Wow you're really out of line here op
Really controlling

Frusty · 04/06/2019 17:29

You barely know this man.

Frusty · 04/06/2019 17:31

If your relationship breaks down, do you want to stay living in Ireland? Because if not I would suggets heading home while you are still pg.

gamerchick · 04/06/2019 17:32

Yeah you're controlling OP. I'd knock it off of I were you. He needs to passcode his phone so you can't help yourself.

If my husband was deleting shit out of my phone I wouldn't want to sleep with him either.

SunshineCake · 04/06/2019 17:36

This is ridiculous.

Be honest with yourself about what's going on.

Namechangeishard · 04/06/2019 17:42

Stop looking at his phone!

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2019 17:43

Why are you ok with porn? I don't think you are ok with it and that's fine. Just be honest, have the debate. He probably won't stop. Will you leave?

Bubblysqueak · 04/06/2019 17:51

It sounds very controlling that you are censoring what he can and can't look at and rather than discuss it with him, you delete it.

Ginnymweasley · 04/06/2019 17:57

If you are not ok with porn then say that and have the discussion with him. Going onto his phone and deleting stuff is a massive invasion of privacy and very childish.
You are a grown up and soon to be a mother so act like it.
Decide what your problem is and talk about it.

U2HasTheEdge · 04/06/2019 17:57

I am as anti-porn as they come. It's a deal breaker for me. However, you have no problem with porn and are playing head games with your boyfriend.

If you don't want to be with him because you don't like porn that is one thing. Behaving the way you are is awful.

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 04/06/2019 17:57

*How would you feel if he deleted apps from your phone? You need to ask yourself if you’d be okay with that. I suspect you wouldn’t, so why do you feel it’s okay to do it to him?

He needs to leave, tbh.*

THIS.

You are extremely unreasonable and sound ridiculously crazy. I feel for the man. Does he know you are doing this?

SparklyMagpie · 04/06/2019 17:58

@HollowTalk I actually do the same thing 😂 well more true crime and killer podcasts, I have nightmares if I listen to something lighthearted 🙈

anitagreen · 04/06/2019 17:59

Your being a bit weird leave his phone alone and just focus on yourself and your pregnancy I think your looking for problems that just aren't there.

DianaT1969 · 04/06/2019 18:42

Have you got plans in place to be a single parent? Will you stay in Ireland or go back to the Netherlands? I think these are the issues you should be looking at. That man is likely to run for the hills.

Fakenametodayhey · 07/06/2019 15:22

@u2hastheedge
Just curious, why are you anti porn?
Masterbating isnt the same as cheating and can be a little time consuming without a bit of ... help.
Im sure lots of women watch porn too. Very sure ;-)

motherheroic · 07/06/2019 15:31

@Fakenametodayhey I can't speak for her but for me personally the sex industry is too unregulated, specifically pornography. The amount of stories about directors or agents coercing their female clients into doing things they don't want to do is not on.

Not to mention the industry obsession with sexualising under age/barely legal girls . There is a reason the industry has a massive turnover rate for the women. Because it's shit and they don't realise until it's too late.

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