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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Delete apps from my partners phone

62 replies

Lydja · 04/06/2019 16:31

So, I’ve been with my partner for a year, I’m 30 weeks pregnant and he’s at the end stage of his divorce being finalized. He’s Irish I am Dutch and we live in Ireland.. (just a bit of back info).

Over the last few months I felt the need to check his phone, our sex life has gone down a bit but that was mainly because of my lack of sex drive being pregnant, lately it has gone up way much but he seems uninterested, so I checked his phone, while I have no thought of him actually cheating on me in real life I have found porn vids in his download history, now the first time I just left it open for him to see when he unlocks his phone when he did and a few seconds later got like a shocked look on his face (obviously faked since by then he was in a different app since the background was now grey/brownish instead of white) I played dumb and asked what was wrong, he showed me and I was like oh okay (I have no problem with him watching porn I just don’t want him to lie about it), he claimed it was because his dads phone that he had just given to his dad was still logged on his cloud and his dad was downloading all the porn (I didn’t believe him but didn’t question him either just told him that it’s okay if he wants to watch porn but don’t lie about it, fast forward to a week ago again I found an app that you can save downloads to with some porn videos, I deleted them and left the phone how it was later the app was uninstalled, today I found another app called Kode which after doing a quick search is a free private browser and place to store downloads and can be password protected.. now it seemed unused and I deleted it.. all these recent things haven’t been brought up by him or me and I don’t know if I should, he’s always been someone to keep his phone close to him and uses it at night to listen to horror stories to make him fall asleep..

Aibu to delete those apps and files? He has no job (whole different story but not relevant for this situation) so no need to store files for work that are confidential.. I don’t see what else besides porn he could be hiding.. Again I don’t mind him watching porn as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life which I feel it has now..

OP posts:

Fakenametodayhey · 07/06/2019 15:42

To be fair ive never thought of the girls as people before but. I dont know cant you tell him to go on a normal site where you just watch it without downloading it? So he can delete his history like a normal person instead of having password protected special apps. Its pretty obvipus

Sparklesocks · 07/06/2019 15:48

Your relationship sounds dysfunctional in all honesty, you should be able to have adult discussions with him rather than snoop through his phone and leave things open for him to find in order to spark a certain conversation.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 07/06/2019 15:50

Your behaviour is controlling, gaslighting, and abusive. Poor guy needs to run far away from you, fast.

Antigon · 07/06/2019 15:55

To be fair ive never thought of the girls as people before

😳

MissConductUS · 07/06/2019 16:01

Well, that was a right MN bollocking.

OP, you can lose interest in sex and then try to police his porn/wanking behavior. He'll rightly resent you for both.

fecketyfeck21 · 07/06/2019 16:06

i'd leave you for this behaviour, i'd support our child but you could just piss off

CornishMaid1 · 07/06/2019 16:07

YABU to just delete it if you don't have a problem with it.

What you need is a conversation with him on the issue. The issue is not that there is porn on his phone, but that it is interfering with your relationship. Talk to him about it - deleting it without telling him is not going to deal with the problem.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 07/06/2019 16:11

Your behaviour is incredibly immature. Seriously grow up and have a conversation directly challenging him if you need to (if he denies it then be honest and say you have seen it )

You are a grown woman deleting app's and playing ridiculous games is childish.

U2HasTheEdge · 07/06/2019 16:33

Just curious, why are you anti porn?
Masterbating isnt the same as cheating and can be a little time consuming without a bit of ... help.

Masturbating isn't cheating, no. I don't care if my husband masturbates, that is entirely his business. motherheroic summed up how I feel quite well.

To be fair ive never thought of the girls as people before

Says a lot. Are you male by any chance?

My dislike of porn has nothing to do with thinking masturbation is cheating.

It isn't an issue in our marriage. He has no interest in it and I fully believe him.

Fakenametodayhey · 07/06/2019 22:52

No no im female and i always thpught of them as actors... playing the part of bodies.
Dont think i bother looking at faces.
Ill have to see if i do next time.

But the fact that you thought i was male really does say a lot. Women arent expected to enjoy porn. And no i am not a single lesbian but just a normal woman with a life and a partner.

I mostly watch for the women as they are beautiful and penises dont really turn me on? Theyre a bit gross looking to be honest. I am a woman and watching a woman enjoy herself is pleasurable.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 07/06/2019 22:58

Reverse?

furrybadger · 07/06/2019 23:18

You are batshit crazy, you need help

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