I want to use Sarah's Law on my neighbour, despite never having spoken to him... AIBU?

[Throwaway1980]

Hi there,

Throwaway account.

I was sexually assaulted as a child (I use 'assault' rather than 'abuse' as it happened once). I've sought appropriate therapy, and live my life quite 'normally'.

I do, however, have really good instincts for when I meet a potential child abuser. There have been a couple of times I've got a bad feeling about someone, for it to be proved right at a later stage.

I get this feeling VERY infrequently, probably six times in total over the course of 35 years (three times the person was later shown to be a sexual predator, the other three were people I only met in passing).

I'm not saying I'm some kind of psychic, or have any special skills, just that I have a heightened awareness of the way some adults look at children.

We got new neighbours last week, and I got that feeling about the guy moving-in.

I have two DDs (5 years and 2.5 years) and live with them and my husband.

The new neighbours are at the front of the house, so do not overlook our garden, they are directly opposite so have full view into our living room.

This guy has done literally nothing to make me suspect him, other than the way he inspected my children on our way into the house.

I don't know the logistics of invoking Sarah's Law, whether as a near-neighbour my request would be considered valid. And I don't know if I'm being unduly harsh.

AIBU? Maybe. I really don't know.

I'd get voile nets or blinds for a start if you get a weird vibe off him & there's a view he has right into your home. Then just don't have contact with him. It's easy to avoid iffy neighbours IME, for whatever reason.

Not liking the look of someone is how innocent people end up have their houses attacked by a baying mob isn’t it?

Exactly. I'm glad I'm not a bloke, Jesus!

I would use the gut feeling to be super careful as things go forward.
Just never let this man have access to your girls.

I do believe in intuition but you can't go to the police on it.
However you can be ultra alert and see what happens.

It can never be dangerous to trust your instincts. But don't so anything illegal.
The world would work better if people trusted their intuition more and politicians less.

Op i have sent you a pm.

I had a gut feeling about a woman’s partner who I knew through toddler groups. Something didn’t sit right.
Googled his name and it revealed he is a convicted sex offender (of a minor) and on SOR indefinitely. His partner thought the sun shone out of his arse and had kids with him. I cut ties.

YANBU

Its ridiculous to conflate 'a look that leads to a baying mob' with someone that shows predatory interest in your children.

Trust your gut feeling OP. Sorry you're going through this.

ZOMBIE!! 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

Sorry you're going through this.

Going through what? Nothing’s happened other than a new neighbour licking his lips.

Just because an online search doesn't pick up anything doesn't mean there is nothing to find.

One of my neighbours is a convicted paedophile. Googling his name brings up nothing.

@Girlmeetsbook Its not "Hmmm" at all .. It was a combination of things that were suspicious! Are you seriously saying you wouldnt want anyone having suspicions/gut instinct and then finding out those suspicions/gut instinct were in fact correct? I researched and put all evidence together before contacting the Police!! So dont say "Hmmm" as it wasnt your children in danger ( lets hope it will never be) As I said Our children come first, unless you are saying ignore it all until he commits another crime and hopefully gets found out? Hmm?

.

With regards to the things you said you would do differently if you were right about your neighbour

• Being colder, not engaging in pleasantries
• Reminding school/nursery that no one else can pick your kids up and having password system in place
• Keeping an eye on your neighbour

Well just do these things anyway. There's no rule that you need to be super friendly with neighbours, school and you should have this system set up already and it's fine to look out for odd behaviour around children. Trust your instincts, I find mine are usually right.

You need to be very careful with your insinuations OP.
There was a man who used to live directly opposite me when mine were little. He seemed to spend all his waking hours sat at the window watching the kids playing.
He died a few months later of cancer.
How easy would it have been to have labelled him a paedophile when all he was actually doing was watching the world go by in his dying months.

It’s an old thread....

NEARLY ZOMBIE ALERT

My sister barred her MIL’s friend’s husband from her house. Completely barred him. He was not allowed in her house at all. There was no reason for it other than my sister thinking he was weird to come up with reasons keep trying to see her children in her house.

The lead up to this was them constantly trying to spend time with my young niece and nephew and being quite aggressive about it and complaining when my sister said no.

In the end my sister absolutely lost it. That there was absolutely no reason for those people to be in her house, she didn’t know them and her mother in law was to stop inviting them over. Turns out they were putting pressure on the MIL to see the children.

One day I went out the front of my sisters house to retrieve something from my car & he was sitting in his car in the drive way, his wife was inside, having dropped presents inside for the children.

He gave me the creeps, he said hello to me and there was this fakeness in his voice wherein he tried to be overtly friendly. I felt immediately uncomfortable. Turns out the ‘reason’ he wanted access to my niece and nephew was because all of his own family want nothing to do with him and we were meant to feel sorry for him because of this (I always thought there was more to the story).

He was a 50 year old guy. My niece and nephew didn’t know him, he tried to weasel his way into the family.

I told my sister that the entire thing was weird and that she had my support - I don’t know what it was - there was something predatory about him. She told me all this when I said he creeped me out and there was something wrong with him.

My sister eventually convinced her MIL that the behaviour was weird. But it took yelling and screaming at her before this happened.

I used to work in firm for years and came across criminals all the time. It is rare for me to get this feeling of evilness. The only other time was when I saw a young gang rapist waiting to see his lawyer in reception.

He was making out with his girlfriend in the waiting room in front of other clients. The receptionist said she had to keep thinking of reasons to leave the front desk so she wouldn’t look at him as something wasn’t right. This was a young guy, pretty good looking and she didn’t even know all the allegations. There was just something evil in him and I saw it too.

I think that humans are wired to sense danger; it’s a consequence of thousands of years of evolution.

I think you are right to be cautious of your neighbour.

Don't trust men alone with your children. Nothing personal, just the abuse stats. NAMALT.

MoodyBitch

Her children come first. Most people would be fully aware that if they sat watching children all day, others may think it's a bit odd. It's not up to us to think of possible alternative explanations, mist people would have enough self awareness to realise how their actions may make others feel.

I agree that her children come first.
I don't agree with insinuations though.

As u have a feeling you are not going to let him have any kind of relationship with your kids so it doesn't make much difference if the police gave you any information or not

Also alot of predators have not been caught or acted on whatever it is that makes them do it so it won't put your mind at rest anyway

Just keep them away from him but please incase your wrong don't discuss this with anyone else in your area unless u are worry about their kids because it's not fair on the guy he might be harmless

I don't agree with insinuations though.

Sometimes all we have to go on are our instincts and feelings. She hasn't gone up to him and accused him of anything, she's asked a question on a forum and is being rightly cautious about her children's safety.

You are absolutely right to pay attention to your gut instincts especially because of your previous experience.
However, minimsing risk is a personal responsibility and a lifelong thing - you shouldn't ONLY do it when you feel your hackles rise.

So far, you've based your suspicions on your 'feelings' and 'the way he looked at your dc'.
Your dad just bowls up to kids (boys and girls) and says things like “wow I LOVE your shoes” or “that’s such a cool book you’ve got there!”....how do you think that behaviour comes across to others, who like you, have heightened awareness around boundary violations and inappropriate behaviour?
Yet you are so quick to defend his behaviour....

Re windown nets.
I've never used them.
I use sheer voiles so the light still comes through whilst nobody from outside can see in - and they look so much better.
www.argos.co.uk/product/9264751?clickOrigin=colourSwatch

I believe you OP and warn you to watch your children. Get curtains and secure your house. Rather that than be relaxed and say aww nah he’s fine and then something happens. Just do everything you can for your peace of mind and keep your kids secure. Ensure your OH knows what boundaries you want to keep with your neighbours.

@MaryMcCarthy agree with you.