I want to use Sarah's Law on my neighbour, despite never having spoken to him... AIBU?

[Throwaway1980]

Hi there,

Throwaway account.

I was sexually assaulted as a child (I use 'assault' rather than 'abuse' as it happened once). I've sought appropriate therapy, and live my life quite 'normally'.

I do, however, have really good instincts for when I meet a potential child abuser. There have been a couple of times I've got a bad feeling about someone, for it to be proved right at a later stage.

I get this feeling VERY infrequently, probably six times in total over the course of 35 years (three times the person was later shown to be a sexual predator, the other three were people I only met in passing).

I'm not saying I'm some kind of psychic, or have any special skills, just that I have a heightened awareness of the way some adults look at children.

We got new neighbours last week, and I got that feeling about the guy moving-in.

I have two DDs (5 years and 2.5 years) and live with them and my husband.

The new neighbours are at the front of the house, so do not overlook our garden, they are directly opposite so have full view into our living room.

This guy has done literally nothing to make me suspect him, other than the way he inspected my children on our way into the house.

I don't know the logistics of invoking Sarah's Law, whether as a near-neighbour my request would be considered valid. And I don't know if I'm being unduly harsh.

AIBU? Maybe. I really don't know.

I have to say I find your attitude towards this man quite frightening, OP. You've decided he is a potential paedophile based on nothing more than his appearance. Take a step back and think about that. How would you feel if your neighbours decided you might be a paedophile because they didn't like the way you looked or acted.

Even if he is a bad ‘un what can he do by looking at your children? If you don’t like nets don’t get them. This man seeing your children will literally make no difference to their lives.

You hiding them away will.

@screamingvalentina - you know as an adult you can feel when someone is being predatory with you? Like when you’re on a late train, and most people just come and go and you don’t pay them much notice, but there’s that one guy that makes you want to switch carriages?

You will never know if that guy would have hurt you if he had the chance, but he made you feel uncomfortable enough to remove yourself from his line of sight.

Exactly that feeling, but aimed at my child. And seeing the way he looked at her, when he didn’t know I could see him.

I react slightly differently in that sort of situation, Throwaway. On a late train, I'd be nervous if I was alone with any one man, or single group of men - but that's because I'm in a vulnerable position, not because of anything specific about the people concerned.

I don't think I have ever felt nervous of an individual where there are others coming and going in my vicinity - I would see that as an inherently safe situation. I honestly don't feel you can make a snap judgement based on someone's appearance or general demeanour.

LaMarschallin

'Keep an eye on yourchildren.They'llbably be alright.'

REALLY?! Is that mean to make the OP feel better? THEY'LL PROBABLY BE ALRIGHT... sm

@Mitzicoco

sorry about crap spelling

Don't worry. My spelling can be impaired if froth rises up over my shoulders...

I don't mean to trivialise this but, really, what can the OP do? She has a bad feeling about the NDN. So, my suggestion was that she shouldn't let him baby sit and she should keep an eye on her children. They probably will be okay. Like mine, yours, others...
A meteor might fall on them, I suppose.

This guy has done literally nothing to make me suspect him, other than the way he inspected my children on our way into the house.

Except for this - “To put no finer point on it, he looked at my oldest daughter as if she was a piece of meat, he literally licked his lips” - presumably? That sounds like a suspicious thing, doesn’t it?

I'd probably also remind our nursery (two streets away), and primary school (also two streets away) that no one else should be allowed to pick-up our children without us advising them prior

Isn’t this something you should do anyway? I’d want to be sure any childcare provider isn’t being lax with letting strangers pick up children.

I think you’ve decided he’s a wrong ‘un, and even if you’re told he’s not a threat you’ll think he just hasn’t been caught yet.

If you feel this man is a genuine danger you can’t be moaning about having net curtains , that’s ridiculous.
I have net curtains in all of our bedrooms for the very reason that anyone can look right in if they were so inclined .
If nets offend you that much then get voiles or Venetian blinds

I have not moaned about net curtains. We will get net curtains. I have never bought a net curtain, however as noted above, I e always known my neighbours. There is no ambivalence or resistance re: net curtains. Do I like them? No. Do I like strangers looking into our living room (more) no.

Oh and I meant to ask. Why does your mum remind your dad not to talk to kids in supermarkets?
Maybe because mothers are too quick to misinterpret innocent actions? We were on a bus and the woman on the seat in front had a crying baby in a buggy and a fractious toddler, she seemed fairly frazzled. The toddler kept looking round and OH did his grandad special, he twisted his ear, put his tongue out and wiggled his eyebrows. The child giggled and settled down, the harrassed mother turned round and called him a f***g pervert.

Trust your instincts, OP, they’re pretty sound going on your past experience.

I agree with the pp who works around child protection and said we err on the side of not being suspicious enough as a culture and individuals. As long as child abuse exists on the scale it does, suspicion is warranted.

Have you heard of that book called The Gift of Fear, OP? By Gavin de Becker. I haven’t actually read it myself but I’ve heard it be highly recommended, and I think it’s all about paying attention to those little signals that we are taught to ignore.

Seeing him actually licking his lips as he looked at your DD, if it really was that and not just a moment where he happened to be doing that innocuously (but from the way you describe the look on his face too, it doesn’t sound like that) would indeed be very unsettling.

And given that at least half of the handful of men you’ve had this vibe about before have turned out to be predators, you’re right to be wary. I have no idea about the logistics of Sarah’s law but you should definitely err on the side of protectiveness.

I also find this quite worrying I'm never going to lick my lips again! Is that supposed to be a symbol for something?! I just do it when my lips feel a bit dry. Blimey. This thread is scary!

Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, And Other Sex Offenders www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0465071732/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_0q09CbX98BGWK?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
This book isn't an easy read, but it gives a lot of insight into how to protect your DC from abusers generally. Might be worth a read. I'm so sorry for your history of abuse/assault.

Also, yes to the Gift of Gear (I have read it) it's brilliant.

As someone who has actually used this law, Micah is spot on.

You are expected to appropriately safeguard your children from strangers anyway. The law is only there to advise if there are specific reasons why your child should be additionally safeguarded from an individual you might otherwise leave them alone with - such as a family member; family member's new partner; etc. The child would need to be in a position where they are/might be left alone with that person.

You can't just ask about anyone.

You are also not allowed to tell anyone about it.

The reason the restrictions around the use of the law is so tight is precisely to prevent people using it in the way that you want to.

It's funny because I've read quite a few threads on here over the years regarding trusting your instincts and yet the OP is doing exactly that and being criticised for it.

I think “trust your instincts” is such dangerous advice. Most dangerous people don’t look dangerous. Most paedophiles don’t slaver laciviously when they see a child, otherwise they would never get away with it.

OP. You say you have picked out sexual predators 3 times in your life. You will, I guarantee, have met far more than that and you got no bad vibes from them.

Just do the normal things we all do to keep our children safe.

Precisely, BertrandRussell

It saddens me that he has to be reminded by my mum to stop talking to kids in supermarkets.

What?

No, your mum doesnt have to remind him if this at all.

I have got dry lips at the moment and have a terrible habit licking them. And here you are putting it down to the tell of a child abuser.

BertrandRussell is absolutely correct. You will have missed many more sex offenders than you spotted. And your own admission you claim to have spotted another 3, but could have been wrong in those situations.

This is actually quite scary and uncomfortable. I am glad non of my immediate neighbours have young kids. Dp is moving in soon. I would be horrified if one of the neighbours was behaving like this.

And thinking of using, this law, ridiculous reasons is a piss take.

I mean why would you tell the local nursery. Again, what would they change? What would the nursery do different?

The purpose of this is not so you can go round telling all and sundry. There has to be an actual reason.

I think you counselling OP, you cant go round stigmatising and stereotyping people because you don't like the look of them

I'd probably also remind our nursery (two streets away), and primary school (also two streets away) that no one else should be allowed to pick-up our children without us advising them prior (I have no idea how hot they are on this in real life, as we have never sent an unknown person to pick either of them up). Make sure their password system is up to date

How does this converstation go.

'Good morning, I live round the corner/i am x mum , I thought you might need reminding to actually practise safe guarding and remind you to not let the kids go with a stranger. Cause theres a peadophile in the area. Oh is your password system upto date's

Of you have reason to suspect the school your kids go to, dont take these things seriously that's the issue. Regardless of your neighbour.

I dont think they will appreciate you calling them and telling them how to do their jobs, without any proof they arent doing it correctly.

A 2017 study that appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year, which equates to about once a week.

I googled it your sex life is the typical normal average!

Oh my goodness, people really dont know whats what with paedophiles when they have actually committed an offence and released early into a community. I have one nextdoor, moved in 2 months ago. In that time he clicked with a family with children. On my first meeting with him he said oh you have a little * (child) dont you? I thought it weird and gut instinct was to avoid him. This family couldnt praise him enough and was very close with their children, having close contact with them every day .. His mother allowed the children in and often alone with him ( Now dont forget we didnt know anything about him or his background) It was everything combined wasnt right. I saw he was grooming the family and decided to contact the police with my suspicions. Now I knew if I asked for "Sarah's Law" to be implemented, I knew I couldnt tell anyone else about this man. I found out his name and googled it .. Everything came up. I was sickened my instinct was right. He had just got out of prison and had to sign the register for life ( which means once a year) No one was checking up on him at all .. He broke his licence, yet has a computer and camera phone .. Nothing was done .. and to top it all his brother is serving a long sentence for similar. Hes a risk .. This village isnt the same happy village where kids play on the green in front of that house , where school children wait for the school buses, where children walk home .. If a mother has a gut instinct then research, find out his name .. Our children come first .. Our childrens safety comes first .. But under MAPPA these vile beings are protected .. good for the statistics which makes my blood boil ..

But all the Ops neighbour did was look at her children.

@26patapony in the space of 2 months this guy has befriended a family, had unattended access to children he didn't previously know?! Noone knows anything about him but you know he has a phone, a computer and that his brother is in jail for the same crimes and the whole village is now fundamentally changed. Hmmm.

Not liking the look of someone is how innocent people end up have their houses attacked by a baying mob isn’t it?