I want to use Sarah's Law on my neighbour, despite never having spoken to him... AIBU?

[Throwaway1980]

Hi there,

Throwaway account.

I was sexually assaulted as a child (I use 'assault' rather than 'abuse' as it happened once). I've sought appropriate therapy, and live my life quite 'normally'.

I do, however, have really good instincts for when I meet a potential child abuser. There have been a couple of times I've got a bad feeling about someone, for it to be proved right at a later stage.

I get this feeling VERY infrequently, probably six times in total over the course of 35 years (three times the person was later shown to be a sexual predator, the other three were people I only met in passing).

I'm not saying I'm some kind of psychic, or have any special skills, just that I have a heightened awareness of the way some adults look at children.

We got new neighbours last week, and I got that feeling about the guy moving-in.

I have two DDs (5 years and 2.5 years) and live with them and my husband.

The new neighbours are at the front of the house, so do not overlook our garden, they are directly opposite so have full view into our living room.

This guy has done literally nothing to make me suspect him, other than the way he inspected my children on our way into the house.

I don't know the logistics of invoking Sarah's Law, whether as a near-neighbour my request would be considered valid. And I don't know if I'm being unduly harsh.

AIBU? Maybe. I really don't know.

I worry about a world were someone may innocently like children (not in a paedophilia type way) & enjoy watching them because they remind them of happier times -perhaps their own childhood or their memories of their own children - & its assumed that they are Saville's in the making. As I am sure you know - sadly - its more likely to be those most familiar (as in family) with the child who are the dangerous & people who are (shudders) most successful (!) are those who merge in with society (& can put themselves in roles where they meet children ie that paediatrician in Cambridge,) & are above suspicion & don't look or act suspiciously but look quite respectable. teach your children to be polite but act safely, keep your eyes open, of course, & protect your children's dignity & privacy. Teaching your dc safety awareness (especially on the internet & phone) but don't make them suspicious of everybody. ie don't go into people houses or cars unless I say you can (you being present not second hand message - ie dm says to come with me because she needs you at home ect) Of course keep your eyes open but remember their have been people attacked because they are lonely, disabled (particularly LD or ASD) & who act in a unorthodox manner - what happened to you was horrible & of course it tilts your view & as a loving dm you want to protect dc - but...

OP, I do think you ABU here,

2 times long term abuse survivor and rape survivor, when I was young.

I have always cast aspersions amongst men and I cannot help it, that is probably down to the things that have happened in the past, but I am sure you have heard how the saying goes that "you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover".

If you really think that something is amiss here, you keep your children away, make sure that as they grow up, they understand the difference between what is right and what is wrong, so that they always feel comfortable telling you about anything and everything.

This man that has just moved in, could be "admiring" your children for a whole load of different reasons, you don't know his back story.
Maybe he has a child that he no longer gets to see, is one of them.

Without sounding harsh OP, how about you get to know him, then get to understand him, you never know, he might even share his story with you.

Best of luck with which ever path you decide to take here

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted OP but you do sound unduly paranoid about this man.

In what way did he 'inspect' your children?

And why would you allow anyone to have a full view into your living room? Surely you'd put up blinds or net curtains to prevent that happening?

Even if I lived alone I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing people could stare in through my window.

cherryblossomgin is right about websites with databases. We used it when a new neighbour was reported as being a sex offender.

Sarah's Law would, after all, only tell you if someone has a criminal record. It doesn't make someone safe if they do not.

This.

The best thing you can do is simply make sure your children aren't alone with him. Which you should be doing with strangers anyway.

Thanks all for your input, and I think I already knew that I would be unreasonable.

People asked what I'd do with the information - which is a good question, and one I've considered. Partly I just want to know, it's very unusual that someone elicits such a visceral response from me, maybe to validate if I'm right, or if I really am applying an unfair stereotype. It'd also help me gauge whether I need to find some net curtains that aren't abominable.

I think it's also a bit dis-quietening as I liked and trusted the woman who used to live there (and had for 30+ years), she felt like a safe and comforting person to have line of sight into your home.

I dispute the assertion that I am in some way a paranoid vigilante, and akin to the people who mistook a paediatrician for a paedophile. I am actually pretty moderate and rational. As I say, I've met 1000s of men in the last 35 years, and only a tiny handful have invoked this reaction.

To put no finer point on it, he looked at my oldest daughter as if she was a piece of meat, he literally licked his lips (he didn't know I could see his face, it was a bin/hedge/buggy situation). I don't doubt that I'm a bit more cautious than many, but I am in no way hysterical.

Other posters are right, he'll only be on the SOR if he's been caught. In some ways not knowing means I won't drop my guard.

@mumwon - my dad is one of those people, he genuinely really likes kids, and they like him. It saddens me that he has to be reminded by my mum to stop talking to kids in supermarkets.

It'd also help me gauge whether I need to find some net curtains that aren't abominable.

If you're talking about your child's safety, why would it matter whether your consider net curtains 'abominable'?

Lots of people have them and their houses look perfectly nice. They either have those or blinds.

Either way, I think given your concerns (whether they're valid or not), no-one should really be able to see directly into your living room while you're going about your normal private life.

Even if you did apply and you were right, what would you do differently? And if you apply and there is no record, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t dangerous, just that he’s not been caught. You need to take whatever precautions you feel necessary to keep your children safe.

@worraliberty you're right, we no longer know our neighbours, so we should exercise caution over who can see into the front windows. This is new to us, we've been here 12 years, and have always known who is around us.

Just looking now, I can see into four living rooms from my living room window. And I can see into several kitchens and a couple of bedrooms from the back of the house.

We have blinds, which I've had at half mast since he moved in - meaning people could still see in, but they'd have to really try - also meaning that the living room has been pretty dark. Nets or that sticky misted plastic stuff are options, it's just a shame to feel like you have to block out the rest of the street.

Even if you did apply and you were right, what would you do differently

...Exactly, this is where I get stumped. And I can't answer without sounding paranoid... but:

I'd be colder to him if he engages with my kids rather than engage in the usual pleasantries.

I'd probably also remind our nursery (two streets away), and primary school (also two streets away) that no one else should be allowed to pick-up our children without us advising them prior (I have no idea how hot they are on this in real life, as we have never sent an unknown person to pick either of them up). Make sure their password system is up to date.

And I'd probably keep an eye out for any signs of him trying to observe the kids, either directly, or by video/camera. Ditto keep an eye for any other infractions of his terms.

Basically I'd turn into a nosy neighbour, which probably isn't a sound reason to know anything.

... and I'm aware none of this makes me sound particularly rational about the whole thing.

it's just a shame to feel like you have to block out the rest of the street.

See (going off subject a bit here) I don't agree.

I've never wanted people walking past my house or looking out of their windows and directly into mine, because to me my home is private.

The thought of scratching my arse, or slobbing out or doing anything really and not knowing whether outsiders are looking at me, gives me the heebie jeebies. Plus I'd feel an irrational need to be completely tidy at all times

But we're all different in that sense.

op the point was the Cambridge paediatrician was a paedophile - horrible - the worry is he was in a role that put him above suspicion for along time - he looked & lived an ordinary life - family etc - no obvious signs
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-34591633

You can't live your life like this though if you are so worried about your new neighbour, what does your partner think? maybe more counselling would help you.

Oh and I meant to ask. Why does your mum remind your dad not to talk to kids in supermarkets?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as the kids have adults with them, which most kids in supermarkets do.

I'd hate to think of anyone telling my dad, my DH or my DS's that they mustn't.

@worraliberty my dad isn’t very good at those subtle things we do as adults talking to children we don’t know, the little bit of eye contact with the parent, the silent acknowledgement of “hey, I’m taking to your kid, but I’m safe and I acknowledge you as their carer” instead he just bowls up to kids (boys and girls) and says things like “wow I LOVE your shoes” or “that’s such a cool book you’ve got there!”.

He’s in no way ‘simple’, he’s super smart, super educated, just likes engaging with kids about things they like taking about.

@mumwon oh I wasn’t taking about that case, I’m sure a PP mentioned the vigilante case where a bunch of people misunderstood the word ‘paediatrician’.

LaMarschallin

'Keep an eye on your children.They'll probably be alright.'

REALLY?! Is that mean to make the OP feel better? THEY'LL PROBABLY BE ALRIGHT... smh

Ahh I see OP.

But still I personally see nothing wrong with that.

Others of course will, as we're all different.

sorry about crap spelling

YABU unless ulur neighbour has actually done anything wrong.

I had the same ‘sense’ from my neighbour when I moved house. Something just told me something was wrong.. so one day I googled him - I am the master of googling and finding out info- some might say nosy 😳 and I was right, I found an old article which mentioned him being sent back to prison to serve him full term after breaking probation.
To this day I cannot find out the exact reason for his original sentence. But he is friendly enough, we chat outside and has given us no reason to not like him but I’ll always keep my wits about me and definitely wouldn’t ask the neighbour to watch the kids.

Rubyroot 'There’s always been paedophiles but people seem to have an irrational fear of them.' you at 14.17 today.
It may not be what you intended to convey, but it is exactly what you said.

I’m pretty sure my father’s neighbour is an offender (I’ve been told that he used to be a drinker and ‘did something bad’ that led to estrangement of his family including his daughter).

He then starting embroiling our DD in care of orphan kittens (we never left her side) and he and my dad were pressuring us to leave the DC with the neighbour. They went to elaborate efforts to engineer a situation where I would have no choice but to leave the DC with the neighbour at which point I went NC (my dad is abusive in many ways so it wasn’t just about this issue).

Now we are NC I wouldn’t be granted a disclosure under Sarah’s law on the neighbour as the children no longer have contact. Have googled him and tried ukdatabase but suspect any criminal record would be historical (I’ve known the neighbour for about 12 years so before that). Are there any other websites I can look on?

“just likes engaging with kids about things they like taking about.“

Sounds great. I always liked my kids having interactions like that.

other than the way he inspected my children

I find this opinion worrying.