To think that someone can stop being aggressive

[kandykane77]

Long backstory but in a nutshell DH has been on and off horrid for ages. Last summer he threatened to beat his son and tried to lock him outside in the dark for being cheeky. I took DS out of his arms and took my son upstairs to calm him down. In January he said a punch in the mouth might shut him up. These incidents were out of character. His horridness is usually being grumpy, snappy, over drinking etc.
AIBU to think these could be isolated incidents?
In retrospect I should have walked out with DS last summer but now I’m thinking it’s illogical to leave someone now for something they did twice in a year and he may well never behave like that again.

Are you for real?

Your husband is abusing your son. End of.

Yes I’m for real.

Even though it was only twice and several months apart?

He said these things TO your son?
Yes, it's abusive. How many times would be too many?

Yes. To him.

But could he have changed since January? He’s not done anything like that since.

How could he have changed? Has he had counselling?He needs help and you need to protect your children.

Yes I don't think that people can't / never change. But change is hard, and if you're the sort of person who can entertain and express the idea of violently abusing a child, that sort of change isn't going to just happen.

If he'd expressed deep remorse, and shown serious self reflection and 'work' towards change (e.g. having counselling; seeking out and attending an anger management course etc.) and if you guys have explicit strategies in place to ensure your child's safety if / when he gets angry again, then I might think it was a grey-er area. But I'm assuming that's not the case...?

Is there something other than it just not happening again (yet) that makes you think he might have changed?

How often would he need to be aggressive for you to think ' enough'?
If he said it to you? If he hit you 'once'?
If he hits anyone?
Once is too much. He is threatening your child. Doesn't matter if it is once a year, once a week, daily. He has threatened to hit your child.
Why do you think it's ok?
Because it is sporadic? How does the child feel? Living with threats?
FFS. Protect your child. If a stranger said it to your child would you accept it??

So his 'horridness' is usually drinking too much and being bad-tempered and verbally aggressive, but you're still claiming that these two threats of actual violence are out of character? Nonsense.

People can change yes, but it doesn’t happen by magic and it doesn’t happen by hoping for the best.

He would need to acknowledge to himself that his behaviour is unacceptable. Acknowledge it to you. Make a plan as to how he will change his behaviour, e.g stop drinking, get counselling to find out why he reacts like this, go to parenting classes.

Otherwise, all you )and your helpless Ds) can do is live on eggshells wondering when the next isolated incident will be.

You could have said ‘this is unacceptable. You seek help / vow to change and give up drinking or I leave’ and you could have stuck to it.

At the moment he thinks he has a ‘get out of jail free’ card because each time he does it it’s a one off and there are no consequences. Has he even acknowledged that his behaviour was unacceptable? Does he calm down and then feel guilty?

Is he grumpy and snappy in between these violent outbursts? Or is it the outbursts that you mean are grumpy and snappy?

Put your boy first, not your bully of a husband.

How old is your son?

Can you trust this man alone with your son? Honestly?

Things can trigger aggression. Typically stress. It’s possibly that his underlying nature is aggressive but it rarely comes through (acrually very common, most people don’t realise they are that way themselves until they go through a period of acute stress and get shouty/violent). Aggression can also arise due to hormonal imbalances. In both instances the trigger may go away but the underlying problem is likely unresolved.

He’s 8.

I don’t leave them alone together. My son has additional needs (ADHD/ASD type but not diagnosed yet) and has always stuck to me like glue anyway.

He’s grumpy and snappy one day then fine the next.

He’s said several times he is going to stop drinking and is now down to 4 pints a day.

4 pints a day is still a lot!

I don't think your child should be around a man that you couldn't leave him alone with, whether he's his father or not. Difficult situation here but maybe suggest DH attends some kind of anger management

He's got issues with alcohol. Down to 4 pints a day. fuck that.
Your son is 8.

1. He is being threatened to his face at 8.

Jesus. And you think it's ok because it's not that often. Who do you want in your life? Your 8 year old son or your alcoholic, bad tempered, aggressive, arse hole husband?

Oh good god.

He’s pro
Badly an alcoholic and is abusing your son who has special needs.

Do you need LTB in neon flashing lights before you’ll take action?

Your DH threatens your young child but it’s alright because it’s only occasionally?

What is the line OP? When your DH finally does punch him in the mouth? Or are the threats alright, as long as they’re occasional and he only scares him and doesn’t actually hurt him? How will you ensure the threats don’t escalate to violence? Can you do that?

OP my ex was violent towards my son when he had him for weekend access visits. When I found out there were no more access visits but by then the damage was already done.It’s taken me a lot of time and understanding to get DS to talk about it and the psychological damage might never heal. Do you want that for your son?

People can change but this is quite a gamble.

Is he nasty towards you as well? The alcohol needs to go if it's affecting him that much.

but you constantly live in a fear that it might happen,
or it wasnt for long time so is'it due??

Oh and OP my ex is also a drinker. He’s violent after alcohol but he’s abusive when sober, which granted is not very often nowadays.

Alcohol doesn’t make someone violent, it just makes it more likely to surface.

Four pints a day is still a lot, that’s 70 units a week, the recommended amount is 14, and what has he reduced from if 70 units is an improvement? Is the reduction still occurring. That is a massive drink problem and in my (extensive) experience it takes a lot of will power and professional help to quit, and that’s only if the person wants to quit. If they don’t want to quit then there’s no chance. What’ll happen is a slight reduction for a while, then it’ll go up again, possibly getting worse than it was before.

OP I have been in your shoes. My ex’s violent outbursts and threats were occasional but they never ever went away, and they escalated massively when I wasn’t around to intervene. Mean while this man is the main male role model for your son. Just think about it. It does not get better.

what has he reduced from if 70 units is an improvement? Is the reduction still occuring

Worst he’s been is 8 pints and a bottle of wine a day. No he thinks 4 can a day is perfectly reasonable.

And he doesn’t get drunk on 4

They're not isolated incidents, they're part of a pattern of behaviour that has resulted in you having to change your behaviour to try to avoid it happening again/mitigate the harm if it does.

So, that's abuse I'm describing. The aggressive threats are controlling you in between the outbursts as well as at the time - that is literally the only reason they don't happen more frequently, because they're controlling you effectively.

One threat of violence is always enough to leave. Taking into account the bigger picture here, you wouldn't be overreacting to leave. If anything, right now you're under reacting.

Maybe take a look here and see how much is familiar: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk