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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU drinking, weed, and how to look after my baby?

56 replies

MalmR · 04/06/2019 07:13

Our story is a long one but in short my husband met in America in October 2017 and married 4 weeks later, fell pregnant 2 weeks later. We then moved back to the UK but I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Things were awful and my heart was broken but I then fell pregnant again 4 weeks after (so my little guy is extra special to me).

We argued a lot during my pregnancy and I was worried that we had made a mistake by being so brash in marrying so quick.

After our baby was born in January we continued to fight and argue to the point I called the police because I feared for my baby.

Despite all the fights I decided that we should move to America because I have no biological family in the UK and wanted my baby to have a family.

So We moved from the UK to America (he’s America, I’m British) 5 weeks ago and since arriving here he has changed for the worse. He’s been using coke, drinks beer everyday, smokes weed and wants me to have our 5 month old baby in that environment.

Now am I being unreasonable to not want our baby at other people’s houses where they smoke weed (it’s legal here) and drink excessively (in my opinion)? My baby gets so fussy from about 5pm until he falls asleep at 7ish. My husband just says I’m a grumpy b*h and that the wives of his friends know better than me and will look after my baby! 😔 it breaks my heart because I’m only trying to be a good mummy and look after him in a way I think is best!

Please give me some thoughts so I can get my head straight!

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 04/06/2019 07:17

You seriously need us to answer those questions???

You married in haste to an addicted abusive man. Leave.

s0mewherebetween · 04/06/2019 07:19

Didn’t want to read and run.

This is not an environment for any child.
Not only the drink and drugs but the hostile marriage you have.
They way he talks to you is disgusting and you and your son deserve much better.
If you have previously feared for your child life around this man then you need to leave.

WendyImHome · 04/06/2019 07:20

You need to leave him. You can’t bring a baby up in that environment. And you can’t be in it either - you sound utterly stressed. Try and learn to dismiss his opinion as he’s is wrong and doesn’t want what is best for the baby. Good luck

Original poster
MalmR · 04/06/2019 07:21

But it’s hard. He can be so kind and loving sometimes.

OP posts:
LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 04/06/2019 07:25

He's a shit father and a shit husband. You deserve better.

You need proper legal advice asap.

Poppy1774 · 04/06/2019 07:26

Sometimes. Sometimes he’s nice.
Is that what your dc will say when they’re older? Sometimes he’s a nice Dad.
Sounds great. Leave!

Rosielily · 04/06/2019 07:26

Being kind and loving sometimes isn't enough, he sounds as though he's horrendous most of the time.

I'd advise leaving him. But where would you go? Back to the UK or remain in the US?

LagunaBubbles · 04/06/2019 07:29

OK it's hard, I get it. But he's not nice and lovely all the time. Put your son first and leave.

MashedSpud · 04/06/2019 07:33

I wouldn’t mention to him if you’re considering leaving him, and the USA with your ds. He will probably see a lawyer and will make it very difficult for you to come back to the UK.

Or you can stay with a drug addict drunk who’s nice sometimes. Do realise though that you and your son deserve better than that.

JustGettingStarted · 04/06/2019 07:35

Which of you is American?

Didntwanttochangemyname · 04/06/2019 07:39

OP have you read what you've written? If it was a friend what would you tell her?

PregnantSea · 04/06/2019 07:49

If they are smoking anything and then handling your baby they are endangering his life. It's the biggest risk factor for SIDS. Even more so if they are smoking in the same room as him.

This alone would be enough for me to flatly refuse these trips to his friend's houses.

Also your DH sounds quite unpleasant, has he always treated you like this or is it just since you had the baby?

CurtainsOpen · 04/06/2019 07:49

Hey RedStripe!

Original poster
MalmR · 04/06/2019 07:51

Yeah this is a major dilemma I’m having. If I do leave him I have no where to go in America and yes I need his permission to take our son out of the country!

His mum knows what he is like and she is trying to be supportive to me but I’m so miserable and on edge all the time.

OP posts:
HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 04/06/2019 07:52

He sounds decidedly unpleasant and not a very suitable husband or father.

Do you have PR already? Or are you in the process of sorting that?

Original poster
MalmR · 04/06/2019 07:54

@pregnantsea no smoking in the house but yes smoking then wanting to “play” with him. I’ve asked him not to do it because of SIDS and he told me I’m talking BS.

OP posts:
Isatis · 04/06/2019 07:56

Is he on the birth certificate, and does your baby have a UK passport?

SheeshazAZ09 · 04/06/2019 08:00

I recently heard about a (not close) friend who stayed married to her coke-addicted and abusive husband for years for the sake of their child and because husband was "lovely sometimes". Husband started threatening to divorce her every time they had a disagreement, including about his addiction. Finally she saw the light, took him at his word and is getting a divorce. It's scary for her to face financial uncertainty of being single (he is wealthy) but at last she will get her life back and can bring up her child without that model of addiction there 24/7. Moral of the story however is that she has wasted 15 years of her life with this guy. She even took him to counselling each week to try to conquer the addiction (didn't work).

Get legal advice and advice from a women's refuge or charity. Get yourself back to the UK, if you can legally, before he has a chance to get some legal block in place to prevent you bringing your child back here. Then you can sort out custody shares etc later.

Original poster
MalmR · 04/06/2019 08:01

@Isatis Yes he on the birth certificate and I have both a British and American passport for my baby.

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 04/06/2019 08:06

But it’s hard. He can be so kind and loving sometimes.

Even Adolf Hitler was kind and loving sometimes. Sometimes doesn't make someone a good influence to have in your life.

Original poster
MalmR · 04/06/2019 08:11

@cranstonmanor thank you for making me laugh in this crap time! Lol putting into perspective like that is perfect.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 04/06/2019 08:19

OP marriage isn’t romantic - it’s committing to the day in, day out daily grind; having similar thoughts on how to raise your children etc. Why did you marry your husband? “Because I love him” shouldn’t be the only answer.

You are seeing him as he truly is - a drug addicted, abusive twat.

Leave him and you’ll be so much better off - the good news is I understand America is much better at getting child support than the UK is.

You say you don’t have family in the UK, do you have any support in the US? If not, start building up a network separate from your husbands family and circle of friends. Can you afford to join a baby group or something? Google women’s aid type services in your state/city and whether you would qualify for them.

Leaving him doesn’t mean you have to go out the door tomorrow, just make plans.

I would be very cautious about taking your child back to the UK - Some states have very strict rules about that sort of thing and would class it as kidnapping. Google laws in your state to see where you stand. Can you afford to see a lawyer? You’re going to need specialist advice as you are a UK citizen.

Peridot1 · 04/06/2019 08:23

I would definitely get legal advice about your rights to take the baby back to the UK. If you have only been in the US for five weeks you might be ok. At least that way you know one way or the other. And can make a decision from an informed perspective.

Otherwise I think you might have to accept you are stuck there and have to make a life there. Probably as a single parent.

TwistedBiscuit · 04/06/2019 08:31

How on earth have you managed to get visas etc sorted so quickly? I have US/UK friends who have moved back and forth between the countries and it has been a nightmare of paperwork and enormously expensive.

I ask because it sounds like you have some money behind you so I would get legal advice immediately, without telling your husband of course.

cranstonmanor · 04/06/2019 08:34

@cranstonmanor thank you for making me laugh in this crap time! Lol putting into perspective like that is perfect.

You're welcome Grin. I was once with a very charming abusive man. Much happier without him.