AIBU drinking, weed, and how to look after my baby?

[MalmR]

Our story is a long one but in short my husband met in America in October 2017 and married 4 weeks later, fell pregnant 2 weeks later. We then moved back to the UK but I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Things were awful and my heart was broken but I then fell pregnant again 4 weeks after (so my little guy is extra special to me).

We argued a lot during my pregnancy and I was worried that we had made a mistake by being so brash in marrying so quick.

After our baby was born in January we continued to fight and argue to the point I called the police because I feared for my baby.

Despite all the fights I decided that we should move to America because I have no biological family in the UK and wanted my baby to have a family.

So We moved from the UK to America (he’s America, I’m British) 5 weeks ago and since arriving here he has changed for the worse. He’s been using coke, drinks beer everyday, smokes weed and wants me to have our 5 month old baby in that environment.

Now am I being unreasonable to not want our baby at other people’s houses where they smoke weed (it’s legal here) and drink excessively (in my opinion)? My baby gets so fussy from about 5pm until he falls asleep at 7ish. My husband just says I’m a grumpy b*h and that the wives of his friends know better than me and will look after my baby! 😔 it breaks my heart because I’m only trying to be a good mummy and look after him in a way I think is best!

Please give me some thoughts so I can get my head straight!

“and yes I need his permission to take our son out of the country!”

America has harsh abduction laws, do not be tempted to leave the country without taking legal advice first. That said, if your baby was born in Jan and you only moved to the US a few weeks ago there might be a legal argument that baby might still hold ‘habitual residence’ in the UK in which case father wouldn’t be able to force a return under the Hague convention if you were to leave. Like I said, seek legal advice - and if I were you I’d seek it sooner rather than later.

Could u move into his mums?

This also sounds like he has potential to turn aggressive, keep yourself and little one safe OP, call 911 if you need to and maybe see if your state has a service equivalent to Women’s Aid. Good luck.

Your question is how can you turn a nasty bad father into a good one. You can't and you shouldn't waste time trying. You have made a mistake and you know it. I'd get legal advice asap on whether you can return to the UK.

Ok, I have to ask, how old are you? Because the total recklessness of your behaviour makes me wonder.

Have you no family of your own?

Are you in the states legally? The time frame sounds very tight to sort all the visas and paperwork?

I have to ask too, how old are you and where are your family?

Leave, come back to England

Is this the type of man you want your ds to grow into? If not you know you need to make the hard decision to leave.

He can be so kind and loving sometimes.
It should be the other way around. Your partner should be kind and loving as the default, with the occasional moment of sleep-deprived dickheadishness sometimes. He's drip-feeding you just enough nice behaviour to get you to stay.

Do you have savings or a way of funding both some legal counsel to see if you can return to the UK, and a running-away fund?

How are you able to be in America? Getting permission to settle takes a lot of money, evidence and visits to the home office, and you have to wait longer before you get indefinite leave to remain and work.

All abusive men can be kind and loving sometimes - otherwise nobody would get close enough to them for them to be able to abuse anyone!

Abuse is about power and control, not being a monster. That is why every time your ability to leave reduces his behaviour worsens. He will continue to get more extreme. Abusers always, always do.

You need to get legal advice on if/how you can return to the UK with your child. Don't tell him you want to leave or start issuing ultimatums - you're most at risk of violence if he thinks he's losing control of you (I.e. By you leaving).

If you want support in the meantime in understanding how abuse works and therefore how to safely respond: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This is insane, I'm sorry but you’ve made some absolutely horrible decisions for yourself and your child. Seek legal advice immediately, and if you have no way to do that at all, please at least look up your state laws. I would also contact the British embassy and explain that your baby is in this environment and you wish to leave. Although by the sounds of it, you don’t actually want to leave, you want to be with him over and above providing a safe childhood for your son. Sorry to be harsh but you don’t seem to get how serious this is. It’s not a relationship problem, your relationship is with a vile pig. There’s no point focusing on his behaviour as any normal and decent human would be aware that this isn’t ok. It’s an issue of how do you remove your child and yourself from an unhealthy and miserable future. Without this man in it.

From what you've said, it sounds very likely that someone will get hurt in this environment and it's likely to be your baby. Babies are very fraglie, so what merely hurts an adult, is not intended to be so harsh, or is a genuine accident, can kill them.

Seek legal advice and speak to the British Embassy, right now.

Your baby was born in the UK and has lived most of his life here so far, which may help.

As an aside, difficult pre-bedtimes, the 'witching hour' when they're tired but not yet ready for bed / you want to keep them up until bedtime so they don't wake up too early, is notoriously difficult and completely normal.

Also, 'no family' is better than linking yourself to people who are damaging. You are ok, you will manage, you will find help from decent people.

And who knows what the future holds - but stop rushing into things blindfolded and irrationally optimistic. Take your time, try things, assess them, don't commit to things and people you don't know and cannot fully trust. Put your baby's wellbeing first.

.

How did you enter the US? Was it under an ESTA? You cannot have entered under a CR1 as that takes months and months to process.

I have a green card to be here. We applied for it when we met. We got married because we were given incorrect advice from a person we believed to be a lawyer but soon after realised this was not the best action. We then hired another attorney who filed our documents and after attending an interview in London I’ve been granted a green card.

I don’t have a lot of money but enough to live off for a few months, then I’m not sure what I’ll do financially.

We are currently living at his parents house and I’m under the impression that they will ask him to move out given his behaviour today.

I wholeheartedly understand the implications of his actions and I know the damage this can, and will, have on my son if it continues but I needed to hear it from others. He tells me that there’s something wrong with me so much that I almost started to believe it. I almost started to think I was wrong to be against drugs and wanting to be at home with my baby and not out drinking. So thank you for your advice.

I’m making plans to leave but like mentioned I can’t just run away because then I will be arrested for kidnapping or equivalent. I need to do it properly. I’ve found a church that offer support to people in my situation so it may be a short term solution.

How did you get British and American citzenship paperwork and both passports for your child so quickly? Wasn't your child only born in late 2018?

The baby has both, not her

I know, that's what I said - just wondering how it can be sorted so fast - people I know whose children have foreign passports took far longer than a few months first to apply for foreign citizenship, then once that is granted, the passport.

Ok, you're in potentially in a real fucking mess here sorry. Best case scenario is he doesn't care enough about his son to block you leaving.

I know of 2 different women who's children are court ordered to remain in the US with their abusive fathers. They can only have minimal online/phone contact and it's a living hell.

I think you need to get a job and be financially independent and make sure you can stay in the US if you split.

Whatever possessed you to marry someone you didn't know?!

His UK one was just applied for online, it took 3 weeks to arrive. His American one my husband sorted but similar, an application form, interview at the embassy and it arrived the following week.

Over all the process to obtain my green card was really not so difficult but yes it cost my husband around $5000 in fees.

Also I’m 34 so you would expect that I was wiser in my life choices.

Anyway, I guess the US processes these things quicker than other countries.
OP, you need to protect your child, and yourself. Your husband sounds awful.

How did you get British and American citzenship paperwork and both passports for your child so quickly? Wasn't your child only born in late 2018?

American passport takes 6 weeks as long as you can prove one parent is American and named on the birth certificate. It does not take months and months.

My baby automatically has dual nationality because his father is American. So there was no obstacle to get his passport.

I really don’t know what I was thinking when we married. I honestly thought he was the most charming, loving man I’d ever met. He does have good quality’s but has awful flaws!