AIBU to not know whether or how to forgive my husband

[Icanonlydomybest]

NC as could be outing.

AIBU to not know whether to forgive my husband for telling me he hopes my parents choke. I’m still not over him telling me a year or so ago that he hopes they drown.

My parents do like him though he has had disagreements in the past.

This evening my OH refused to come downstairs for dinner as they were here, he didn’t come home from work until he knew they were out of the house on a walk with me.

The back story/ the catch. We live in their house in the UK. They live overseas, they are back every 4-6 months for a week or less usually.

His apparent reason for refusing to come down to dinner was he didn’t like the way my dad spoke to me on a video call a few weeks ago. OH speaks to me 10x worse though.

I am struggling I’m not going to lie and say I’m not. I don’t know whether I’m BU or NBU for not knowing how to forgive his comments and also his behaviour this evening.

Cocklodger.

Does he by any chance want you to give up work so your child can have a 'better' childhood like him..... or in other words put you in a more vulnerable position, where he can abuse you further financially and restrict your access to others as you do not have access to adequate money to see them?

I think he is showing you who he is.

Tbh I could not respect a man who.has a tantrum about the way someone spoke to me ( which is just an excuse to throw his weight around,) he says it was the way your father spoke but any excuse could have been used to demonstrate how he holds the power and must not be crossed.

You are currently in a relatively strong position regarding separation be careful how you move forward.

I've never said this before, but this guy needs to be binned. Does he have redeeming qualities? I would not tolerate anyone disrespecting my parents, let alone my husband! He has some nerve!

Of course he cries after realising that you have taken too much of his abuse. My father would do that. I'm in my late 50s and my mental health has always been 'delicate' - thanks to emotional abuse according to a psychiatrist.

Don't let that happen to your children. He is doing it to you and he will do it to them once they are old enough to understand what he is saying.

I know he does love me as he can be so sweet and caring and when there has been talk of breaking up in the past I know he loses sleep over it and he ends up in tears. Which in turn makes me feel awful.

Pay no attention to his crocodile tears. The only thing he loves is his cushy lifestyle and the chance to bully you. He's only sweet and caring so you don't leave him. Look at his behaviour the majority of the time.

Would you let a friend or your dd be treated like this?

Then why allow yourself to be treated like this?

Throw him out. You can continue living in your parents' place with your dogs and baby, you'll also be entitled to a share of your marital assets, and you get the bonus of not having to put up with this prick.

He will not change in the long-run. He's shown you who he is, and he is a vile and bitter man. Do you really want your child growing up with a man who wishes death on others? Who has no gratitude? Who talks badly to the mother of his child?

It seems you have already had issues in the past and contemplated breaking up. Just do it, give yourself space to breathe, enjoy your parents' company while they're still here.

His crying is pure manipulation. I agree with pps. He wants your parents dead a) so that he has you completely to himself, thus isolating you and b) so that he can inherit half the house.

The way he is treating you and his comments are very telling.

Do you really want to be with a man like this?!

With the money you are saving in living costs, I urge you to get some really good therapy so that you can build some boundaries and work out why you think you deserve this monster.

From what you’ve said about him I’d have a read up about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths, see if you recognise him in any of these.

" I know he does love me as he can be so sweet and caring ..."
Have you considered that he is occasionally 'so sweet and caring' because it keeps you on-side? That if he was never 'so sweet and caring' that you'd have woken up to his abusive behaviour long since? Remember, this is the man who speaks to you 10x worse.

" ... and when there has been talk of breaking up in the past I know he loses sleep over it and he ends up in tears."
Two points raised by this small admission:

1. You've considered breaking up with him before, and he's managed to keep you. So his shitness is well-established and long-running.
2. How do you know he loses sleep and ends up in tears? Because he makes sure you know. Does he toss and turn losing sleep, so that you also lose sleep, all the better to witness his 'distress'? Or does he tell you about it in the morning? Why is he in tears? Because he's upset you, or because he fears losing the gravy train that is your parents and he might have to rein in his spending on boy toys? Do you witness his tears? Y'see, most people I know when they're upset, take themselves away to privacy because their distress being witnessed is - well, distressing.

"Which in turn makes me feel awful."
Which is the effect he's aiming for.

He sounds awful.

Your baby will be old enough to hear his poisonous words when they're older.

This is not normal behaviour. He's trying to isolate you. Don't let him!

It makes me really sad that he is trying to convince you that you had a shitty childhood just to try and drive a wedge between you and your parents. He is really manipulating you. The tears when you break up are manipulation and grand gestures and taking offence about how your dad talks to you when he says worse himself. Does he like any of your friends? Does he like you having hobbies and money and independence?

I don't think you should forgive him, he sounds disgusting and has no respect for you. Things will never get better, get rid, he's vile.