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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not know whether or how to forgive my husband

86 replies

Icanonlydomybest · 03/06/2019 20:45

NC as could be outing.

AIBU to not know whether to forgive my husband for telling me he hopes my parents choke. I’m still not over him telling me a year or so ago that he hopes they drown.

My parents do like him though he has had disagreements in the past.

This evening my OH refused to come downstairs for dinner as they were here, he didn’t come home from work until he knew they were out of the house on a walk with me.

The back story/ the catch. We live in their house in the UK. They live overseas, they are back every 4-6 months for a week or less usually.

His apparent reason for refusing to come down to dinner was he didn’t like the way my dad spoke to me on a video call a few weeks ago. OH speaks to me 10x worse though.

I am struggling I’m not going to lie and say I’m not. I don’t know whether I’m BU or NBU for not knowing how to forgive his comments and also his behaviour this evening.

OP posts:

oneforthepain · 03/06/2019 21:58

Why do you feel you need to forgive his behaviour? Nothing about this is normal, including the way he speaks to you.

Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme and see what you think: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't tell you to leave him, but they do have information they can share with you.

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/06/2019 22:08

AIBU to not know whether to forgive my husband for telling me he hopes my parents choke. I’m still not over him telling me a year or so ago that he hopes they drown.

Honestly, I don't think he is looking for or wants your forgiveness, he wants your parents to die! He wants them to die so he can continue his abuse of you without the rightful interruptions from them, when they come to stay in their own home!

Saffy101 · 03/06/2019 22:13

Why are you living in your parents house?

Does your husband work and do you work? If so why don't you have your own home?

I think he feels beholden to them, which makes him angry at them, he is probably a narcissist.

BUT none of this matter because it sounds as if he is a bully, and controller who throws a kiddie strop when he isn't getting his own way.

He is being generous and waving a massive red flag, take note and chuck him out.

HairToday79 · 03/06/2019 22:51

What an arsehole !

BentBaastard · 03/06/2019 22:53

Blimey

He’s a keeper.

TriciaH87 · 03/06/2019 22:58

Sod his behaviour towards your parents. You have just said he treats you badly. Kick his arse to the kerb. His living in your parents house treating them badly and being awful to you when he feels like it. You can do better.

Original poster

Icanonlydomybest · 03/06/2019 22:59

My parents don’t live in the uk, they have no intention to move back to the uk. They just come back for visits.

OH and I do own our own property, which is rented out. I have openly said I don’t want to live there as it’s tiny, only has a very small garden and we have very active dogs, it’s also not really stepped back from the road and we have a baby.

If we were to move into our property, I would have no choice but to end my mat leave early due to bills, OH likes to spend money on boys toys etc.

He thinks my parents should give us free reign over what we do with their house, he also thinks that if anything happened between us and we split up that he should be paid for the work he’s done to the house over last 6 yrs. We don’t even pay rent FFS!

OP posts:

wineandroses1 · 03/06/2019 23:17

Your DH is an arse. But you already know that.

blackteasplease · 03/06/2019 23:26

Why don't you split up and see what the courts think "should" happen about the work he's done? Ridiculous man.

He sounds horrible. And he's living rent free in their house???

Good thing is it's your parents house, he appears to have no rights over it at all, so you can kick him out! Best done while your parents are there to back you up.

confusedat30 · 03/06/2019 23:28

He sounds like a child.

Jux · 03/06/2019 23:31

He is awful. Tell me, when you were a young teen, if you family heard of a friend's family being treated like that, what would have been said about the scrounging h who is to rude to be polite to guests? who is so appalling that he says he hopes his IL down and then that he hopes they choke?

Do you hope your parents choke?
Do you hope your parents drown?
How do you feel about h's parents? Want them to choke? Or drown?

Ghastly man. Kick him out.

Original poster

Icanonlydomybest · 04/06/2019 00:07

I wouldn’t wish anyone to drown, choke or anything else. I wouldn’t wish anything like that on anyone.

My big problem... despite everything I do still love him. Is there a way that I can get him to see the error of his ways and work to make things right? Or am I being naive to think he’ll change for the better?

OP posts:

MitziK · 04/06/2019 00:15

No. There's no way you can make somebody like that see the error of their ways.

Yes, you are being naive to think he'll ever change.

Sorry. He's not a keeper. He's an ex in the making.

SimplySteveRedux · 04/06/2019 00:19

Is there a way that I can get him to see the error of his ways and work to make things right?

No. He will never change his ways. Do you not see he is emotionally abusing you?

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2019 00:21

What would he have to say to you or your parents to make you wake up? How bad would it have to be?

Or could he say anything, any abuse, any vile wish for a violent death?

Because it seems as if what you’re saying is really you’re ok with what he said, you can live with it, you love him, and you want to know how to ‘make it work’.

Words fail me.

Mummaofmytribe · 04/06/2019 00:23

Whoa. He sounds hateful OP

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2019 00:26

I never understand these posts.

What exactly is there to love about this man?

Mummoomoocow · 04/06/2019 00:35

Why does he hate them OP? Have you told him stories of a dark childhood or something? Is there any possible weight to his hatred of them?

yermawyabas · 04/06/2019 00:47

I would be getting him to fuck op.

He sounds vile.

iloveruby · 04/06/2019 01:04

At this point whether you love him or not is irrelevant.

You now have a child together and as parents are responsible for raising it in a loving and stable environment. It is clear from your posts that your partner is unwilling to help you create such an environment for the sake of your child you need to split up.

You now need to prioritise your child regardless of how you feel about your husband.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2019 01:14

OH speaks to me 10x worse though
OH likes to spend money on boys toys etc so despite having a new baby, he'd rather waste his money that financially support her?

Remind us what you love about him OP

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2019 01:25

" OH speaks to me 10x worse though."
"OH likes to spend money on boys toys etc. "
"Is there a way that I can get him to see the error of his ways and work to make things right? Or am I being naive to think he’ll change for the better?"

Your husband is a git, you know that, don't you? You say you love him, do you think he loves you? It doesn't sound like it.

And no, there is no way to make him see the error of his ways. Just as there seems to be no way that you are going to see the error of your ways. Your error being to stay with this absolute arse of a man. Sorry, but he is. You need to protect yourself and your child from this. Is this the sort of behaviour you want him to model to your child?

StillMe1 · 04/06/2019 01:29

I think you are doing your parents wrong by living rent-free in their house while receiving rent from your house. I don't know how you can either be so grasping or allow your partner to act so grasping with your parents' assets.
When your parents visit for a week or less every 4 to 6 months where do they stay? They own the house you live in. They should be subjected to your partner's bad conduct in their own house. I hope for the sake of good treatment they stay elsewhere. They own that house and they should not be made to feel uncomfortable in their own property. If they are paying hotels I think that is outrageous.
Partner has discussed what would happen if you and he fell out but what if your parents say they have had enough and put both of you out the house and never speak to you again for allowing him to treat your parents in this way.
LTB is too soft for this situation. Get rid and I don't care how. He is not taking care of you and DC, your parents are.

StillMe1 · 04/06/2019 01:34

I should have written "They (your parents) should NOT be subjected to your partners' bad conduct

Nancydrawn · 04/06/2019 01:57

Just to clarify: do you mean he speaks to you ten times worse than your father does or ten times worse than wishing your parents dead?

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