AIBU to not know whether or how to forgive my husband

[Icanonlydomybest]

NC as could be outing.

AIBU to not know whether to forgive my husband for telling me he hopes my parents choke. I’m still not over him telling me a year or so ago that he hopes they drown.

My parents do like him though he has had disagreements in the past.

This evening my OH refused to come downstairs for dinner as they were here, he didn’t come home from work until he knew they were out of the house on a walk with me.

The back story/ the catch. We live in their house in the UK. They live overseas, they are back every 4-6 months for a week or less usually.

His apparent reason for refusing to come down to dinner was he didn’t like the way my dad spoke to me on a video call a few weeks ago. OH speaks to me 10x worse though.

I am struggling I’m not going to lie and say I’m not. I don’t know whether I’m BU or NBU for not knowing how to forgive his comments and also his behaviour this evening.

You must have welcome stamped across your forehead to tolerate his bullshit

Op your partner is abusive. Having a baby is a risk factor in this because you are tied to him and he can have even more control over you. Of course you love him. He's manipulated you to do that too. If you didn't you'd just make him leave and it would be easy.

Ask yourself what the first thing you think of in the morning is?

Are there rules and boundaries but they change and you can never achieve them?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Speak to women's aid.

I'm sorry to say it but your partner sounds absolutely vile OP. Are you sure you want to hang around and see if he'll change? Abusers don't usually change...

Read any of the above links people provided and see what applies to you. You’d find you’re with a highly abusive man.
I have lost my DSister to a situation like yours. Emotional abuse that turn physical that cause my DSIS’s health complications and eventual death. She was 36 and looked and felt 96.
And I do feel for your parents, probably they know that you’re not enjoying life with this idiot and they are doing their outmost to look out for you. When my parents visit from aboard, my DH not only picks them up from the airport, he makes sure he orders my DF’s Chinese meal and make sure they are happy. And we never had any money from them yet he treats them like his own family.
But do have a read and open your eyes. They are plenty of people that you can love and be truly be loved in return, your current DH is not that person.

Read the post above ^ and take note.

Your 'D'H is dangerous and extremely abusive.

It matters not one jot if you 'still love him', you need to make plans to get him out of your life.

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. Keep talking to the people on this thread who can advise you and encourage you to find the strength to get rid of this person.

My big problem... despite everything I do still love him.
Is that really enough for you? Someone who wishes your parents dead? The parents treat you and HIM well and let him live in their house rent free?

OH speaks to me 10x worse though.
What do you say when he does this? Do you think you deserve this?

Or am I being naive to think he’ll change for the better?
Take a good look at your own posts on this thread OP, and imagine a son in law treating a daughter like this - what do you really think? He has shown you the person he really is. You cannot fix him. If you let him get away with this terrible behaviour why would he want to change for the better?

Don't you think you deserve better? Do, please, have more respect for yourself.

I always think that the question should be not whether or not you love him, but whether or not you are happy.
If you're not, what's the point?
Do you feel cherished?
No
Do you feel supported?
No
Do you feel loved in return for the great love you are giving?
No
Are you happy?
If the answer is no, pack his bags and show him the door.

It really doesn’t matter if you love him. It is time to split up op. He is nasty and abusive.

I don’t have a solution for what you do with your rental house. If you kick him out he may serve notice on the tenants and move back there. I would probably move back there yourself and negotiate with your parents that you rent their house out and receive some of the rent to help you and they use the rest to stay in an Airbnb when they come over to visit.

So what are his solutions then because your OH sounds a lot like mine. Eager to throw a sulk but slow to actually do anything about the identified problem. We're about to start couples counselling. Does he think that treating you and your parents like crap is helping? Surely if he supported you that would be better. If he doesn't want to live in their house perhaps he would like to drastically adjust his lifestyle or get a better job. Bet he just wants to moan though. I'm in a similar position in that I'm struggling to forgive DH for being an unsupportive twat bucket when DD was born. We also live in a property owned by my family. There are stresses like yours in that we end up a little at their beckon call when it comes to decorating etc but we couldn't actually afford to by our own place by DH has a crap job. Hence my eager to moan but slow to do anything. Either ltb or have a go at it and insist on being very solution focused and having couples counselling.

Sorry for the typos. I haven't finished my coffee yet!

There is no joy to be had with this man. Throw him out, OP.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read them all. I know you are giving good advice. I’ve just got to work out how to do things. I stayed up until 1 looking at my finances etc.
In answer to some of the questions;

No I don’t think it’s acceptable to wish death on people. I don’t know if he will apologise for that at all. I will be giving him a shape up or ship out ultimatum though as I don’t want him to feel blindsided. I know he does love me as he can be so sweet and caring and when there has been talk of breaking up in the past I know he loses sleep over it and he ends up in tears. Which in turn makes me feel awful.

In regards to the 10x worse clarification request. He speak to me 10x worse than my parents have ever spoken to me.

I had a brilliant childhood, he disagrees that it was great though (it wasn’t the same as his as my mum worked after having me. His didn’t. I’m an only child, he has siblings etc)

In regards to rent/ no rent etc. My parents are obviously doing us a massive kindness in letting us live here while our bungalow has rent paying towards its mortgage. In turn we are doing them a favour (their words) as they don’t want to leave the house with no one living in it, there is a pond which obviously requires fish feeding and monitoring. They also have so much stuff that they couldn’t/ wouldn’t rent it out. (All there stuff is currently in garage and one room, and there bedroom but little enough in there bedroom that it’s fine as a guest room minus the wardrobe if that makes sense.

So he wishes your parents were dead, he treats you badly but despite all that shitty behaviour you still love him. Crack on then

How on earth can you love someone who wants your parents dead? Show him the door and kick him through it.

That's what emotional abusers do. They try to control you, isolate you and make you feel bad about yourself. Then when you finally had enough he will cry and say how much he loves you only for it all to start again. If he loved you he wouldn't treat you like that!!!
What sort of stuff does he say to you?

Honestly I would be kicking him out, he sounds like my ex who was also very happy to live in a property my parents owned whilst slagging them off at every opportunity and refusing to come to family events. I didn't kick him out and he persuaded me to move into our own rented place, so when I did eventually break up with him the old house was already rented to someone else so I now live with my parents. I'd give anything to turn back time and still be in my lovely secure home with my daughter alone.

Sorry love, but he IS abusing you. He is an abuser.

Please understand that this will only ever get worse - not better - and id also worry for your safety if he’s using such violent terms about people who have apparently annoyed him.

You will never be happy with this man, and he may even take your life, or even that of your child to hurt you

Don’t stay with this man because of the baby, LEAVE THIS MAN because of the baby

You are not trapped. You can be happy and free of him- let him have the rental house to move back into and you stay safe where you are. Get yourself informed as to benefits and help and child maintenance etc. See what the situation is now and work out how to deal with it.

Staying in this relationship is not an option

The man you fell for was a lie, all smoke and mirrors to get you in the hook, now you’re apparently there, he’s showing you who he is for real.

He disrespects you and your parents despite only ever showing kindness to him. He sounds extremely selfish and unappreciative of the people and situation he has around him. He is probably eyeing up their inheritance.

I couldnt love someone who wished my parents dead. I doubt there are many people on MN or in RL that could. You dont love him. you are controlled by him. He is living a very cushy life. you are a SAHM so no doubt doing all the baby and house stuff. he is living in a bigger house than he can afford rent free. he has money to spend on boys toys. Every time it looks like you are going to bring this cushy life to an end he turns on the tears. its pathetic really. And you fall for it - every, single, time. This is exactly what controlling men do. They work to a script. they isolate their partners from others that love them so that in the end their partner has them and no one else. they behave badly because they can and then when it looks like finally the partner has the balls to do something about it, they turn on the tears, the stress the generally being pathetic. the partner feels guilty and so it goes on again and again and again and again. MN is full of threads like yours - full of them. And nothing changes until the partner walks away. No, OP he wont change EVER. what will happen is it will get worse. Take your blinkers off. he doesnt love you, he loves the life that you enable him to have.

Crocodile tears love, he’s pretended to be nice to get his victim where he wants her.

being nice for abusers is excruciating.

The only reason he’s crying is that if you sling him out, he’ll have to make that effort to pretend to be decent again and it’s THAT that is upsetting him.

Trust me, I’ll take not your feelings he’s concerned about, you mean nothing to hom

Jesus, what an absolute and utter grabby dickhead,

Was he always this nasty or has it developed over the years.

How rude to not come down to dinner when they are there. And then to wish them dead, whilst abusing their hospitality and demanding payment for work he's done in his rent free home.

Honestly I don't know how you can even stomach to look at him. Never mind declare your love as you are doing.

He wishes them dead because he believes the house would then be inherited by you, and him. That's why he wishes them dead. He feels entitled to the house, believes it's his, and their return is a reminder that they are alive and well, and may be for many years. He resents them for being alive.

Yep, I agree he s abusive. Esp seieng how awful he is and the cycle of being all nice and kind and oh ever so in love with you and then being a utter twat with no respect for ypu whatsoever.

Ask yourself the question, f he is so in love wth you and devastated at the idea of separating, why isnt he trying more? why s he not changing the way he speaks to you? Maybe beause actually he isnt that much in love and what is devastated about is the fact he is loosing control, loosing you as his objet of control/emotional punchball rather than loosing the one he loves.

I wouldnt give him much notice of separating. Youve done that before and havent followed through because he managed to emotionally guilt you into thinking he is remorceful/will change/ you are hurting him so much (beause he isnt hurting you maybe??).
If you give him an ultimatum again, the same will happen. So dont. He can spend the money he has on 'boys toys' atm paying for a roof over his head instead.

I do still love him. Is there a way that I can get him to see the error of his ways and work to make things right?
If you love him and believe his anger, resentment is built up inside him, Maybe try some therapy, counselling, hopefully he'll see the error in his ways.
Are you seeing it from one side? Are you parents rude to him too?
He should have never said those things, if you believe he was angry and can change, I'd advise a good chat, then off for some therapy.
He may be damaged, your parents may undermine him, he mostly needs to learn how to treat you better.
Goodluck OP.
If he refuses to try then it is time to move on.

Is he right that your father is also unpleasant towards you?
If so I would definitely recommend the freedom project as linked to by a previous poster.
It doesn't have to be like this, OP.