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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if you don't drive you need to accept using other forms of transport

66 replies

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 18:53

Dh and I don't drive. We rely on public transport, taxis and our own power when we need to get around, this has always been part of our budgeting. If we are offered lifts, my parents and my sister will if avaliable, we give petrol money or thank you presents if not accepted. We know local taxi numbers and the price of a taxi to our gp surgery and the hospital and back should we need to get there. Our local bus service is usually very good but you have to accept being early to appointments sometimes. We live in an area close to a supermarket and our local high street, 20 minutes level walk.

Inlaws don't drive, but refuse to use other forms of transport to get around. Fil will. catch the bus to work, with a family bus pass that is a perk of his job. Anywhere else he or mil need to get they expect lifts to be provided. Mil's sister used to cater to this but works full time now her children have left home. Gfil also used to be avaliable but is currently in poor health and not up driving them around, it is unlikely that he will be again. They have started to have their shopping delivered without problem. We visit them when Dh wants to appart from every 6 weeks when mil is driven by her sister to the hair dresser down the road from us and comes to us to wait to be picked up.

But now expect my parents to be avaliable to give them lifts to doctors and hospital appointments. Fortunately they are in fairly good health but fil has recently needed to have a few appointments for a problem with his leg. I have been phoned the day of each appointment and asked to organise dm or df picking them up and driving them home despite the appointments being booked well in advance. Dh can't deal with it at the time as he is at work but has repeatedly told them it's not on and to stop asking. Dm works 90 minutes away most of the week often using their car. Df can work flexibly but needs notice to have the car. Fil has missed appointments because of this and has caught taxis a couple of times because mils' sister has called a taxi for him. But they won't organise their own transport. Not eleable for hospital transport as the bus service is basically door to door from their house to the hospital main entrance. It would be the same to the doctors if they would change to one of the three surgeries (currently very unhappy with the out of the way one they are registered at) in sight of the bus station with buses that run ever 20 minutes from 7.30 to 6.

Usually let it wash over me but df is currently in hospital and have had another call this morning tell me fil needs a lift to see the gp and been told they arranged it for dm's day off.
AIBU to think they need to use other forms of transport to get themselves about?

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 03/06/2019 18:56

Just say no?

GruciusMalfoy · 03/06/2019 18:57

They are CFs. It's no one else's responsibility to chauffeur then around. How frustrating for you.

MrsKCastle · 03/06/2019 18:58

Yanbu. How on earth have you got to a situation where your in laws feel entitled to lifts from your parents? You need to say no.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 03/06/2019 18:58

Absolutely NOT unreasonable at all. They are CFs to assume your mum will use her day off to ferry them around, particularly when your df is in hospital himself. Tell them it's not possible and to call themselves a taxi (do NOT do this for them).
Out of interest, how old are they?

Frownette · 03/06/2019 19:01

Yeah? That's part of the parcel, isn't it?

Why can't FIL book his own taxi?

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 19:02

AJPTaylor we have never said yes, we don't drive and it has always been too short notice to even consider asking my parents.

I usually ignore the morning phone calls because they are usually lift requests but stupidly answered as I thought they would be calling to check how things knowing df had been blue lighted into a and e yesterday afternoon when bil was here.

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 03/06/2019 19:02

I'd do it as a one off because I get on really well with DS's in laws but they're being CFs. They're not even related to your parents.

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 19:03

Both mid 50s.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 03/06/2019 19:04

YANBU - just say no. Tell them to get a taxi/bus like you do. It's quite easy and I am unsure why you are pandering to them.

RandomMess · 03/06/2019 19:06

Your ILs are CF I would just say each time "They are too busy they are not a cab service and hang up"

Shock
IndianaMoleWoman · 03/06/2019 19:07

Mid 50s? I thought you were going to say mid 70s at least! They could just learn to drive at their age.

CurbsideProphet · 03/06/2019 19:07

I would absolutely lose my shit if MIL was nagging me about getting my DM to give her a lift when DF is seriously ill in hospital. I hope he and you are ok. I would ring MIL and give it to her straight - they're grown adults who are too lazy and selfish to organise themselves. It would take a huge apology for me to speak to them again.

CloserIAm2Fine · 03/06/2019 19:11

YANBU but just stop enabling them and doing it all for them!

I don’t drive. So I live and work somewhere with decent public transport, accept that it takes longer to get places for appointments etc, pay to get my groceries delivered, pay for Argos delivery etc and accept occasionally having to pay for a taxi. My mum and her partner are the same, they get around very well walking, public transport and taxis when required, all arranged by themselves!

ErrolTheDragon · 03/06/2019 19:12

Both mid 50s.

My parents both learned to drive at that age.

If it's cost... at some point work out how much your parents car costs them to run it (fuel, tax, insurance, maintainance) then figure out how many average taxi rides a year that would buy.

How the heck did the situation develop that your CF ILs started to think your parents were their free taxi service?Confused

PonderingPanda · 03/06/2019 19:14

I can't believe that your inlaws think it acceptable to ask your parent's for lifts. I certainly can't believe they would have such a lack of compassion that they'd ssk whilst your dad is so poorly too.

Completely unacceptable.

What did you say to this request?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/06/2019 19:15

I would tell my husband to make it very clear to them that they are to harassing my parents. This is fucking ridiculous.

givemesteel · 03/06/2019 19:15

For goodness sake.

Indirectly you have created a very inconvenient situation for your parents and now need to take responsibility for it.

You need to phone or write to your in laws and tell them that it is no longer an option for your parents to give lifts so not to ask them again. Be firm and don't make any exceptions.

If they are not willing to drive themselves (50s is not too old to learn) and their own child is not willing to learn to drive to drive to ferry them around then there shouldn't be an expectation on people not even related to them.

They can use the budget they save on running a car for taxis or public transport.

It was silly for their family members to enable this situation for so long and silly for you to offer up your parents but you can put a stop to it now.

NoSquirrels · 03/06/2019 19:22

Wow. Epic CF-ery.

The only silver lining I guess is that they don’t phone your parents directly.

Grey rock technique: Here’s the number of the taxi company.

Rinse. Repeat. Refuse to get involved.

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 19:39

Usual conversation goes.
Mil: Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?
Me: That's not going to work. You know the taxi numbers are on the fridge, (the list of companies we use) . (Ds will usually be shouting in the background.) Hope you get sorted out. I'll let you go now.

Today was much the same other than mil asking how dad was after the request for a lift was declined. I probably would have lost it had I not been walking back from the school run with a couple of friends.

The thing is they have never had lifts from my parents expect from once when ds was born df offered to bring them to the hospital and back so he could move them on when I had had enough. They don't have my parents numbers. My parents only know about it because I have told them I am saying no so they know if they see them in passing.

It feels like it is learned helplessness as they have always just called mil's sister or gfil and been able to get a lift. Now they are both unavailable my parents are the next closest person with a car.

Df is going to be in for a while but the issue is no where near as serious as it could have potentially have been when an ambulance was sent for him. His being monitored and given good pain relief until the blockage in his stoma clears which is it looks like it is starting to do. But yesterday afternoon he was very scared and in a lot of pain and brought up some red flags when we spoke to 111.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 03/06/2019 19:40

Your PILs are unbelievably rude! But how did they ever think they had the right to even ask - much less expect or demand - that other people, not even related to them, will just drop their own commitments and cater to their whims?

I cannot believe, also, that they are only mid 50's. I thought you were going to say much older, although that would still not have excused them.

Time for your DH to have very strong, clear words with them. If he doesn't then you need to - loud and clear- even if this causes a rift with them.

How selfish are they?

Do warn your mother ahead of time to ignore his calls or, better yet, to block and delete your PILs numbers on both their landline (if possible) and on their mobiles. Do it for her if she doesn't know how.

Also don't you get involved in booking taxis for them. You are not their employee and they are well able to do this themselves.

Hope you and your DH can sort this one out quickly OP and hope your DF's health improves completely and soon. 🌹

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 19:43

I think part of the problem was created the first time the request was made as I asked too many questions about if they had arranged something with my parents as they chat to them if they have picked us up from their house when passing.

At the moment Dh has no plans to learn to drive and I'm not planning to take it up again for a while as we manage just fine without a car. Parking locally is impossible so would cause it a headache that way.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 03/06/2019 19:44

Cross posted with you OP. Good they don't have your parents' details and you've forewarned your mum. Flowers 💐 for your dad.

ForalltheSaints · 03/06/2019 19:46

Unreasonable except perhaps in a dire emergency, but in those cases hospital transport or a taxi is probably available. I'd have a bit of sympathy if they were in their 80s and found getting on or off public transport difficult, but they are much younger.

Handsoffmysweets · 03/06/2019 19:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 19:52

We see the minimum of them as Dh doesn't have the best of relationships with the due to their selfish behavior. Maybe an afternoon every 2 to 3 weeks, longer if they have upset Dh. Mil adores the children and with difficulty boundaries were set in place when they were younger but they have a nice relationship with them both. I think their maybe a similar falling out coming if this continues. Usually I just shrug the phone calls off. But she did phone last night to see if df had gone in for emergency surgery after sing bil, so knew some of what was going on.

OP posts: