Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if you don't drive you need to accept using other forms of transport

66 replies

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 18:53

Dh and I don't drive. We rely on public transport, taxis and our own power when we need to get around, this has always been part of our budgeting. If we are offered lifts, my parents and my sister will if avaliable, we give petrol money or thank you presents if not accepted. We know local taxi numbers and the price of a taxi to our gp surgery and the hospital and back should we need to get there. Our local bus service is usually very good but you have to accept being early to appointments sometimes. We live in an area close to a supermarket and our local high street, 20 minutes level walk.

Inlaws don't drive, but refuse to use other forms of transport to get around. Fil will. catch the bus to work, with a family bus pass that is a perk of his job. Anywhere else he or mil need to get they expect lifts to be provided. Mil's sister used to cater to this but works full time now her children have left home. Gfil also used to be avaliable but is currently in poor health and not up driving them around, it is unlikely that he will be again. They have started to have their shopping delivered without problem. We visit them when Dh wants to appart from every 6 weeks when mil is driven by her sister to the hair dresser down the road from us and comes to us to wait to be picked up.

But now expect my parents to be avaliable to give them lifts to doctors and hospital appointments. Fortunately they are in fairly good health but fil has recently needed to have a few appointments for a problem with his leg. I have been phoned the day of each appointment and asked to organise dm or df picking them up and driving them home despite the appointments being booked well in advance. Dh can't deal with it at the time as he is at work but has repeatedly told them it's not on and to stop asking. Dm works 90 minutes away most of the week often using their car. Df can work flexibly but needs notice to have the car. Fil has missed appointments because of this and has caught taxis a couple of times because mils' sister has called a taxi for him. But they won't organise their own transport. Not eleable for hospital transport as the bus service is basically door to door from their house to the hospital main entrance. It would be the same to the doctors if they would change to one of the three surgeries (currently very unhappy with the out of the way one they are registered at) in sight of the bus station with buses that run ever 20 minutes from 7.30 to 6.

Usually let it wash over me but df is currently in hospital and have had another call this morning tell me fil needs a lift to see the gp and been told they arranged it for dm's day off.
AIBU to think they need to use other forms of transport to get themselves about?

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 03/06/2019 20:26

Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?
But had an arrangement for pick-up already been made? That turn of phrase sounds as if it was asking for confirmation of a prior arrangement.
Still CFery though.

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 20:37

Dm and df have never agreed to give them a lift anywhere. Just the one off lift to the hospital when ds was born. They would never have and have never offered their services as a taxi driver. Dm is very careful not to even insinuate those sort of offers after years of working with vulnerable people and curitcy training.

Since gfil became ill over Christmas the requests started. I feel like dm and df are the next on their list of people who drive. Df does do a lot of hospital trips for ds' appointments. They both did a lot for a close family friend when she was having chemo and was later in hospice care. Mil and fil know about this. But is probably the only hint that they might consider being an free taxi service.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 03/06/2019 20:47

So, why on earth did they ask what time your mum/dad were picking your fil up then? How could they possibly have thought that would happen/be OK? Shock

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 03/06/2019 20:52

I have no useful advice as you seem to already be telling them no but just wanted to validate your feelings that they are being completely Unreasonable. They are also completely batshit bonkers. ShockConfused Why they could possibly feel justified in asking this on a regular basis is outstandingly mad.

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 20:55

Mil: Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?

That is just so weird. I would act incredulous and say-but why would you think they are coming to pick you up? Sorry, they have their own lives. You’ll need to arrange a taxi or get the bus.

Surely they don’t get a lift everywhere ??

woodhill · 03/06/2019 20:55

Unbelievably cheeky your ils and odd behaviour

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 03/06/2019 21:10

What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?
You: Erm... I wasn't aware they were. Did they offer to? You do know my dad's very unwell? You'd be best off arranging taxis for yourselves. I gave you a number to try.

nedtherobbot · 03/06/2019 21:29

X needs to be y at z time is the script Dh grew up with as far as I can tell. Mil's sister worked from home until a few years ago and would always drop everything to give lifts. Letting the person choose what time is how they think they are being flexible.

For as long as I have known them other than fil catching the bus to work. They do expect lifts everywhere and don't have much of a socail life outside of family.

Dh quickly realised that you can't demand lifts and you can get around easily and cheaply in the right area without being driven everywhere. It was a shock for him when we looked into how much a car would cost to run when I had my first attempt at learning to drive. Strangely one of his brothers walks everywhere and avoids cars at all costs! The other is currently learning so may well become the new driver for his parents soon.

OP posts:
woodhill · 03/06/2019 21:36

X needs to be y at z time is the script Dh grew up with as far as I can tell. Mil's sister worked from home until a few years ago and would always drop everything to give lifts. Letting the person choose what time is how they think they are being flexible.

Sorry had to laugh. Lucky person choosing the time.

Graphista · 03/06/2019 22:25

Ffs that's completely ridiculous!

They're not much older than me! I'm 46.

They're being completely entitled, selfish cheeky fuckers and need told every single time until they pack this crap in!

Certainly you're within your rights at this point that its to stop immediately and that you're hurt and angry they did this today with your df so ill - which they knew!!

"Mil: Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?" wtf?!!!

"Me: That's not going to work. You know the taxi numbers are on the fridge, (the list of companies we use) . (Ds will usually be shouting in the background.) Hope you get sorted out. I'll let you go now."

"Don't be so ridiculous. They're not your free chauffeur! Get a taxi or the bus. Bye"

This is nuts!!

stucknoue · 03/06/2019 22:39

Why didn't they learn to drive? Very uncommon for people in their 50's not to have a licence unless there's medical reasons, learning and buying cars was cheaper then

BreconBeBuggered · 03/06/2019 22:40

The fuck? Like others, I thought they were going to be much older. My ILs are in their late 70s and beginning to become more in need of this kind of support when they're not fit to drive themselves.

EL8888 · 03/06/2019 22:47

They are CF's with a strong sense of entitlement. Surely they realise if you can't drive then you can't be fussy. Cue taxi, train, bus etc. You have told them to use a taxi but they aren't taking it on board. I would start ignoring texts and phone calls. They are quite young and even if they were older, then they need to appreciate other people are busy and have their own lives. It's not all about them

fedup21 · 03/06/2019 23:18

Why the hell have people driven them around for 50 years!?

ErrolTheDragon · 03/06/2019 23:37

The weirdness of this is sinking in - I was thinking of these in-laws as maybe a bit frail rather elderly people but they're bloody well younger than me.Confused

It feels like it is learned helplessness

Yup. High time they unlearned it, unless there really is something physically or mentally wrong with them. It's not good for the people they're leaning on, and it's not good for them. Do they go on holiday at all?

DingDongDenny · 03/06/2019 23:48

I'm not surprised your Dh and his brother haven't learnt to drive. They both know they would instantly be considered the new taxi service

God love his brother who is learning

FreeTedHastings · 03/06/2019 23:49

I'm in my mid 50s. I can't imagine being so useless.

Someone mentioned hospital transport. This is only available for specific medical needs which make public transport (that includes taxis) impossible/unsafe. Some funding for costs to hospital is available to people on very low incomes.

If they have a travel pass and a bus route this is just bonkers.

They are totally abnormal for their age.

Skittlesandbeer · 04/06/2019 00:16

I’ve decided I don’t feel like cooking any more. It’s boring and expensive and takes some effort. Besides, plenty of other people in my neighbourhood cook so why should I bother? Delivered food is still pricey, so I won’t be doing that either.

I’ll just scroll through my contacts list and phone around every day to see who will cook for me. They’d better cook what I like, and at the times that suit me, else I’m libel to get a bit grumpy with them. Confused

Since when do able people get to opt out of Adulting? In middle age?

Frankly I’d stop avoiding their calls and sit them down. I’d say they need to rethink their strategy for getting around, that their current one is embarrassing everyone and not on.

Then I’d ask for their phones and change my contact name to ‘AINT GONNA HAPPEN.’

SynchroSwimmer · 04/06/2019 00:30

Could you “re-set” their expectations by going on the bus with them a couple of times?....to set that mode of transport up as the new-norm for them - that they have got to get used to doing on their own? 😉

Butterymuffin · 04/06/2019 00:43

'That's not going to work' is too soft. You're pandering to them and it's probably spun in their heads into 'they can't do it after all'. Instead you need to go with 'What? Why would you think they are coming to pick you up? You need to get a taxi' not the indirect stuff about where the taxi numbers are.

Birdie6 · 04/06/2019 00:53

They need a kick up the rear end . At 50ish they are still comparatively young, not a couple of doddery old people who need care. They should either learn to drive, or learn to take care of their own transport needs. They are both CF and you should ignore them completely.

Birdie6 · 04/06/2019 00:57

I can't believe that they were previously relying on your Dh's grandfather to drive them around ! Unbelievable.

PregnantSea · 04/06/2019 01:17

Tbh honest I'd just not answer the phone to them very often.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2019 01:18

"Dh can't deal with it at the time as he is at work but has repeatedly told them it's not on and to stop asking."

"Usual conversation goes.
Mil: Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?
Me: That's not going to work. You know the taxi numbers are on the fridge, (the list of companies we use) . (Ds will usually be shouting in the background.) Hope you get sorted out. I'll let you go now. "

Given your husband has told them to stop asking, I think you need to change your response to match his. Something along the lines of:

Mil: Fil needs to be at the Dr's at 10.30 today. What time is your mum/dad coming to pick him up?
You: Never. I don't know why you still ring asking for lifts when DH has asked you not to. Numbers for taxis are on the fridge, call for one and stop expecting other people to chauffeur you around, it isn't going to happen. Bye.

LittlePaintBox · 04/06/2019 10:32

Yes, I think you're sugaring the pill a bit too much. If they rang up and asked for a lift from my DM when my DF was seriously ill in hospital, I'd go ballistic. Sometimes its the only way to get your message across to CFs. And when they do get the message, it won't be 'Oh dear, we appear to have been CFs', it will be 'Don't bother ringing ned again, she was very rude last time'.

But honestly, the solution really lies with your parents, not you - they must stop giving them lifts! Why on earth does everyone give in to them?

Swipe left for the next trending thread