To ask, if you were in a good position to, would you have started a family any earlier?

[Villanelle6]

Just that really. I’m 25, married to DH (34). We own a (mortgaged) nice sized home big enough to accommodate children, we’ve been married for a year, both earning a good wage, I have a career flexible enough to accommodate part time working/flexi hours, DH is a high earner so we wouldn’t struggle on only his wage. We have no debts, plenty of savings etc. Currently we have a very nice life and have experienced lots together already. Plenty of holidays, social outings, eating out regularly and don’t have to think twice about spending out for things. Contemplating TTC as it seems the logical next step for us, but conscious I’d be considered a relatively young mum in today’s society. I feel ‘ready’ but without truly appreciating what parenthood is like until actually becoming a parent, it’s hard to know for sure when the right time is. I hear so many people telling others my age to ‘live your life first/wait as long as possible/you’ll never get the freedom back’ and so on.

So I was wondering, for those of you who already have DC, knowing what you now know, would you have had DC earlier in life if you already had everything in place financially/career wise to do so, or would you still have waited?

No. It wasn't about stability or finance for us.

We would have missed out on the wonderful times as just us as a couple and spontaneity in life. We barely spend any time together just us. It will resolve in a few years, but I'm glad we had nearly a decade to ourselves first

Might not be of importance to everyone but grandparents are likely to be healthier and more mobile etc if you start younger. I do wish I'd started a bit younger. One grandparent has sadly died and the others have got a few health issues, not necessarily major, but enough to make them less able to spend quality time with my DC having fun. It means we are raising kids and dealing with the issues that having elderly parents can bring.

Add to that, piggy backing on a PP, depending when our own DC have children (if!) we’ll be fairly young grandparents - my mum had me at 24 so having them so physically capable when mine were tiny (and now still!) was a tremendous help. We live abroad and when we come home my two stay with my parents for 5 days at a time while I catch up with friends - whereas I think my parents are a bit exhausted looking after my 1yr old nephew for more than a day

I was thinking about this the other day. I did have mine young (19 & 21) and from my own experience the one thing I will say is that in today's world, you cannot plan that your child will be leaving home at 18! My son had ASD so there were all sorts of delays to him becoming an "adult" related to that. We live in London so he lived at home during Uni. He finally flew the nest at 29! Weeks later my DD split with her long term partner and moved back home! Have a Google at how many people live at home to their late 20s now. I've seen a few articles about it. I can't see how things will get any better. I think they can only get worse. Following on from that, neither of mine are having their own kids anytime soon. (If they decide not to then fair enough, they're under no pressure from Me!) If they do have them I will at least hopefully have some time with the GC before i go. Whereas if I had waited until 35 and they then did the same my GC wouldn't even be born until I was in my 70s. So I'm glad I had them young. I am still young enough myself to pursue what I want to do now they finally are grown up! Plus I loved them as children but they have grown into amazing adults that I adore spending time with. I'm glad I (hopefully) have a good many more years to enjoy that.

I'm 23, OH is 33 and we have just had our first DC. We're in a similar position - mortgage, good jobs etc and knew the time was right for us.

You're not too young - you're at a great age for children, but you do need to be prepared to make a lot of sacrifices in terms of your busy social life if it is what you want.

If things had been different I'd have chosen late 20's over mid 30's. I always wanted two, but after a difficult pregnancy, birth, various complications I'm not risking a second pregnancy. If we'd started younger, it very probably woukd have been different.

Of course, the other side is that if we had I wouldn't have the DS I have and I wouldn't change him for the world.

It really depends what you want from life and how you'd use the time if you chose to wait. If you're not going to do anything particularly exciting with the rest of your twenties, then I'd say crack on and start your family as soon as you feel ready.

Personally, I would not have had dc any earlier than I did (at 32) because I was way too busy living abroad, travelling and generally enjoying my youth. I wouldn't have given up those years for anything.

If you were my own daughter, I'd definitely advise you to wait and live a little first. However, she is very similar to me, and I can't really imagine that she'd be happy to settle down with a house and a marriage in her early/mid twenties, whereas that might suit some people really well. I wanted excitement and adventure at that point in life, not stability and domesticity. I think she will be the same. You have made different choices and it sounds like your priorities are elsewhere.

There are no right or wrong answers, really. Other people's comments will be based on their own values, rather than what's right for you. If you genuinely feel ready and it's what you really want, then why not?

Another reason I waited was even though I had met DH young I wasn’t sure I would still be the same person in my late 20s that I was in my early 20s if that makes sense. Personally I changed quite a bit as a person as did my aspirations.

Yes, absolutely.

Not really the type of person you wanted to hear from as I’m 35 and childless. It’s because no one wanted to settle down with me not because I was delaying having children. I personally think mid-20s is a fantastic time to have children and wish I had babies between 24 and 30, for sure.

If I’m ever lucky enough to have kids I will be close to 40 at least. If I’d started at 24 they would be older teenagers and off to uni etc when I was mid 40s rather than being at nursery and primary school. You’d have plenty of time to do what you want in your 40s and 50s, seems fabulous to me and you’d be young when any grandchildren might come along. It’s also important to take your OHs age into consideration with him being older than you. I’d say go for it! I wouldn’t put anything before having children. It’s horrible being my age and not knowing if it will ever happen. My mental health would have been infinitely better if I’d had kids younger. There’s a horrible feeling of time running out that would have been nice to never experience.

Maybe a couple of years earlier (30 rather than trying at 32) but not younger. We have a severely disabled child who we love but he has a major impact on our lives. I am glad we had the time in our twenties of relative freedom.

I had ds at 35. Kept putting off as the place I worked at was insecure with multiple reorgs and possible redundancy for 6 years, eventually went for it and was made redundant 2 years later.

Wish I'd started earlier around 30. At 25, although dh and I had been together 5 years and living together for 3 years I still enjoyed the freedom too much, the ability to commit to travelling socially with friends or with work without thinking about anyone else and we still felt very much in the early years of our relationship.

Yes. Things I didn't think about include

Relationship with grandparents. My parents were old when they had me so wont be around as long as my grandparents were for me, and they have an amazing relationship

Starting later really takes away options in age gaps between children

I'm going to be 60 by the time my kids are finished education if they go to university

Personally I'd have started late 20s in hindsight, still enough time to concentrate on career and travel and having fun beforehand but I'd maybe be less knackered and grumpy now

Only by 3 years or so (so would have had my children at 35 and 38 instead of 38 and 41). But that's all to do with looking back at jobs, career, where we lived, housing etc with the benefit of hindsight. I try not to worry about things I can't change.

I feel like I've grown up a lot between being early/mid 20s and early 30s. I was 28 with my first, 31 with my second. If you'd asked me at the time if I could have started younger then I would have said yes definitely. But I know the person I am now is wiser (not just because I've had children) and I feel I'm a better parent now that I've matured more.

Obviously I don't you OP and I hope this doesn't sound patronising. Just giving another angle apart from finances and accommodation.

Forgot to say I've been with DH since I was 19!

Do you have support from your parents/in laws ?

Go for it. I was 32 with dc1. Dh and I together aged 24, we absolutely both say we’d tried when we met. Dc1 now 23! Should have had them earlier.

I would start preparing body for trying. Taking prenatal vitamins and make sure healthy diets for you and partner. Make sure he is taking vitamins too. Good to start 3 months prior to trying if you can. Of course there are many who don't do this and all is fine, but if you are planning to try, mine as well get a good head start with vitamins etc. I had my first dc at 28 and felt young, as everyone else I knew having their first was 37 or 38! Had my second at 30 and now pregnant with my third at 36. Now my friends are starting to have their firsts and they are 35-37. So you are right, nowadays people leave it later...but TBH if you are in the position to start now I would not wait more then a few months before going for it. You never know how long it would take. I have one friend it took her two years. She told me her wedding planner said she put it off a couple years and then it took her 8 years to conceive! Another person I know took 4 years to get pregnant. Of course you may be lucky, as some it happens quick. I took one try for both my children. This third one, it took 6 months.

Yes. I was 37 when I had DS1 and 40 when I had DS2. Ideally I'd have had them closer to 30. But DH and I didn't meet until I was 32, married at 35 so it's a moot point really.

Thanks everyone :)

@BertieBotts we’ve been together 5 years.

This is such a personal question I'm not sure anyone's stories can help you. I had my first at 32. I wasn't even convinced I wanted kids when I got.pregnant! At 25 I was adamant I never wanted to get married or have kids. I've done both.

@IABUQueen yes we have a very good friend and family support network. My Mum lives close by and DH’s family also. Both parents retired early and have said they are happy to help with childcare (not that we’d expect that).

Oh gosh what u waiting for girl. Just do it :D

I was ready for DC by about 28 but didn’t have a house or a husband. I was 38 when I became a mum and I wish I’d been in a position to do it sooner. It breaks my heart when my mum says she won’t live to see DC grow up, and her age means she’s not much help. If I’d had DC when I was younger my mum could have been a more active grandparent and she’d have been capable of childcare so I’d have been able to go back to work. Also I’ll be nearly 60 when I get my freedom back - too old to do much. I could have been looking forward to freedom in my mid 40s. As it is, I feel like parenting is going to take up the rest of my life and there’ll be no time afterwards for me to live again.