To ask, if you were in a good position to, would you have started a family any earlier?

[Villanelle6]

Just that really. I’m 25, married to DH (34). We own a (mortgaged) nice sized home big enough to accommodate children, we’ve been married for a year, both earning a good wage, I have a career flexible enough to accommodate part time working/flexi hours, DH is a high earner so we wouldn’t struggle on only his wage. We have no debts, plenty of savings etc. Currently we have a very nice life and have experienced lots together already. Plenty of holidays, social outings, eating out regularly and don’t have to think twice about spending out for things. Contemplating TTC as it seems the logical next step for us, but conscious I’d be considered a relatively young mum in today’s society. I feel ‘ready’ but without truly appreciating what parenthood is like until actually becoming a parent, it’s hard to know for sure when the right time is. I hear so many people telling others my age to ‘live your life first/wait as long as possible/you’ll never get the freedom back’ and so on.

So I was wondering, for those of you who already have DC, knowing what you now know, would you have had DC earlier in life if you already had everything in place financially/career wise to do so, or would you still have waited?

Yes. I am 38 and shattered. I can feel my bones crumbling.

No. I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had, holidays etc

But if you feel you have had those, then weigh it out and see how you feel. On balance I’d have started earlier.

My decision to start a family had nothing to do with my financial position. Knowing what I know now it’s very unlikely I would have started my family any sooner. I would have tried for a second earlier though.

I would ideally have had DC in my twenties, but only if I could have maintained financial independence/earning power.

What is your job/career plan? Are your earnings fixed?

I ask because if “flexible” actually means freelance, that will bring specific challenges with childcare etc, although it sounds like you can afford good childcare to maintain your personal earnings and pension.

I think if you're settled, in a strong relationship (children can definitely put a strain on even the best relationship) and feel ready then there's nothing stopping you. That said I had my two children at 29 and 31 and felt the ideal age really, I'd enjoyed my 20s and my DH and I had travelled and lived a carefree life, 30s for raising children felt right but my DH and I are closer in age and both felt we wanted to be done completing our family by early to mid thirties. That's due to not wanting to be too old by the time children are leaving home and we can have enough time to enjoy some extra money or save harder for retirement etc.

Essentially I'd say if you and your DH feel ready, then go for it. You've got to factor in how many children you want, what sort of gap, consider that you may not fall pregnant instantly etc.

“We wouldn’t struggle on only his wage”

For as long as you stay together. YOU (and your DC) would be likely to personally struggle financially, in the event of divorce, if you’d taken a long career break.

Nah, I had my first at 32. Before that I had 9 years with my DH and we enjoyed it, travelled etc. When we decided to try for a baby we were actually less financially secure than we had been previously - both been made redundant. It worked out fine though.

No, I wouldn't change a thing. I had DC1 at 29 & it was the right age for me. DH & I had bought a house, had established our careers & had done a fair bit of travelling. Now in our 50s the DC are grown & nearly flown & we are almost mortgage free, so we now have time & money to do the things we want. If you feel ready now, go for it.

@Loopytiles I was referring to my time out for maternity leave, not long term. I’d have every intention to return to work.

You sound like you’re in an extremely sensible position to have a child so I wouldn’t even hesitate. 25 isn’t ridiculously young.

I had my first ds at 33. We were pretty much in your position op by 25. We are both the same age. We decided to hold off till our 30s. We travelled and thoroughly enjoyed our 20s while financially securing our future.

So you’re currently an employee with maternity leave rights?

No, I was 29, husband 30, it was just right for us.

If you're sorted house-wise, financially and feel ready, then go for it. According to a friend who had children early and late, she had loads more energy in her early 20's to cope with sleep deprivation than later on. It will also be easier for you to get pregnant at this age.

Personally, I definitely wasn't family-minded till at least mid-30's. But you are so it's different.

@Loopytiles yes I’m an employee

I met DH at uni so technically we could have had kids much sooner. However they just weren’t on my radar. The vast majority of my circle were busy throwing themselves into their careers, partying hard, having nice holidays plus it’s hard to get a London mortgage straight out of uni.

All of my female friends were late 20s/30s when babies started. However 95% of us work albeit part time so I guess careers got in the way?

If you feel ready then go for it, particularly as your DH is older. However I would urge any women to try & maintain some independence.

Yes absolutely. I had my first at 29 but if I had been in a position to then I would definitely have started at your age! I think it just gives you more time if you want more than one but don't necessarily want small age gaps, you're that much younger so recovery from pregnancy and birth is hopefully easier and you are a younger mum as your child grows up. My mum had babies at 21 and 33 though and she always says physically she found it much easier at 21. The only thing I would say is don't have a baby just because you think you should. They do change everything and there's no shame in waiting a few years to see if it's what you definitely want or not having any at all.

I was 26 and don't regret 1 second. Had more energy than I knew what to do with. Loved it and coped on very little sleep. Now 13 years later, I get lots of independence as DS is able to come and go without needing close supervision and can do lots for himself. Still have 2 younger ones but it all balances out and it was honestly some of the best years of my life when he was little.

We didn't have the financial security you have, but we had the string relationship foundation. I'd say that's most important in the grand scheme of things. I also have worked between full time and not at all during these last 13 years!

I was married at 36, DD @ 37 and DS @ 39 - this was all because I only got together with my DH at 33. Had I have met him in my twenties and got married with the job security etc you describe OP I would definitely had them younger.
I did not choose my life/career before having a family, circumstances meant I wasn't in the right place to have them in my twenties.
In your position I would go for it!

You'd be 26 probably by the time you had baby. You sound in an ideal position to have a baby. I am so happy since I had children and I am sad I was quite old when I had them so I will die and have less time with them. Go for it op!!

I had DS last year at 26 (25 when I got pregnant). We’re not massively financially well off but own our home, could do nice holidays etc. Before maternity pay ruined us! Things are pretty tight now and we’re worse off than I imagined we’d be but we do fine and have just had to cut back on dining out, holiday etc. No major cutbacks.

Yes, I’m usually on the younger side at baby groups and activities but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe it’s just the kind of person I am but I’ve got loads of energy and manage to train 8-12 hours per week on top of looking after DS (that’s even when he was breastfeeding hourly at night and I was on 3 hours sleep) and easily snapped back to my pre-pregnancy size.

Yea I would.

Yes, I think I would have ... it's nice to have your independence back at a relatively young age. You sound settled, it's a good age (health-wise) and partly it also depends on how many children you want. I say go for it!

I met dh at 31 and got married at 32. Had dc at aged 35, 37, 40.

If I had met him earlier I would definitely have had kids earlier.
Lots of reasons - some into the future, I will be an old granny, and if my kids wait as long as I did, I might not be able to be a granny really.
I did enjoy all the stuff I did, but could have done some of it with kids. Also, you can do some things after kids, but not if you are already 60 when they all leave home!

To me, starting at 30 rather than 35 would have made a significant difference. I am not sure i would have wanted to be much earlier, as I changed a LOT in my mid twenties.

We’d had plenty of life experiences. We saved for a house deposit before trying. We were ready when we were 27, but it took us till we were 31 before we bought a house and that was non-negotiable for us.

I was 26 when I had my first. Don't regret it, though I am younger than almost all of my "mum" friends and my pre-children friends are only just now having babies (my oldest will be 8 this year). But I was ready, and I love family life.