To ask, if you were in a good position to, would you have started a family any earlier?

[Villanelle6]

Just that really. I’m 25, married to DH (34). We own a (mortgaged) nice sized home big enough to accommodate children, we’ve been married for a year, both earning a good wage, I have a career flexible enough to accommodate part time working/flexi hours, DH is a high earner so we wouldn’t struggle on only his wage. We have no debts, plenty of savings etc. Currently we have a very nice life and have experienced lots together already. Plenty of holidays, social outings, eating out regularly and don’t have to think twice about spending out for things. Contemplating TTC as it seems the logical next step for us, but conscious I’d be considered a relatively young mum in today’s society. I feel ‘ready’ but without truly appreciating what parenthood is like until actually becoming a parent, it’s hard to know for sure when the right time is. I hear so many people telling others my age to ‘live your life first/wait as long as possible/you’ll never get the freedom back’ and so on.

So I was wondering, for those of you who already have DC, knowing what you now know, would you have had DC earlier in life if you already had everything in place financially/career wise to do so, or would you still have waited?

I met DH at uni so technically we could have had kids much sooner. However they just weren’t on my radar. The vast majority of my circle were busy throwing themselves into their careers, partying hard, having nice holidays this is me exactly. We decided to start trying for children at 31 and I fell pregnant at 32 with my first child. This was just the right age for me as my friend who had children in her early 20s was looking around for people to go partying with and there was no one because everyone around her was settling down and having children. And you just try to arrange a night out with people in their 40s and 50s it's almost impossible 🤣

I was 27, nearly 28 when I had my first child and that felt about right for us. If anything, I perhaps would’ve waited another year or two, to really have progressed my career - but definitely I wouldn’t have wanted a child any earlier - was having far too much fun socially and only just got the position I wanted at work at 25.

Had my first at 27. We had been married for nearly 2 years, owned our own (mortgaged), house, had got on the career ladder, etc. It was the right time for us. I underestimated how hard it would be though and for that reason we are delaying having a second.

I was married with house and job at 25 too and ready TCC. I was glad I started then as it took me 6 years and countless gp visits to conceive. I'm glad I had my first at 31 and both my partner and I regret not having the children younger.

I would def start if you are ready

Could work then, if your employer agrees to let you go PT, your H is actively supportive of you WoH, including by doing a fair share of the (vastly increased) domestic work and parenting. Does he do a fair share now? That’s a good start IME.

How long have you been together?

For me it wasn't about my age but my relationship experience. I had DS1 very young in a newish relationship and later he turned out to not be a very good match for me or good dad material. I had DS2 much later but the huge difference is that I'd been with DH about 7 years by the time he was born and we had a much stronger relationship.

We started TTC at age 26. On paper it might not have seemed like the ideal time to start a family. We had been married for less than a year, were at the very beginning of our careers, and knew we would need to move shortly for jobs.

I have never had any regrets about starting a family when we did. We went almost straight from being medical students to being young parents; these have similar levels of disposable income and similar sleep patterns, so neither was a shock.

I have recently discovered that I have adenomyosis and suspected endometriosis and that I have probably had these for many years. I don't know for certain, but suspect that these would have started to affect my fertility by my 30s.

Yes, absolutely. We waited until we were able to manage on one salary ( mat leave etc was different back then and I hadn't been with that employer long enough) . We were married six years before having dc1 (we married young) but if I had known then what I know now, I would definitely have had children sooner.

I was in the same position at your age. I chose to have children. My only regrets are that it stalled my career somewhat as I chose to work part time. However, now I'm in my 30s my friends are all having kids and experiencing the same issues with balancing family and career but my kids are in school and it's getting better for me.

I was young for a mum in my area and it made me feel a bit different from some other mum's but you gel with some regardless of age.

For most people it's easier to conceive in your 20s, if you can financially do it now and want to then I'd suggest you go for it!

Ha that’s so true MenstruatorExtraordinaire, we are lucky that grandparents are very close so we try & get out a fair bit, nightmare trying to pair up with other couples though.

Yes.
I was desperate for kids a year or two after finishing uni. I'm not career minded and wasn't enjoying my job.
The only problem was that I was single. If I were married at that age it would have been different.
So I travelled, partied, went out with a few men I wasn't bothered about, tried to change career. Eventually I met my dh at 27, married at 29 and had dc1 at 30. I am not happily a mother of 3.
I would have had 4 if I had started younger. It's hard to find the right person to have them with though. I'm still not sure about dh but I'm so glad I have 3 kids with him.

I had my first aged 35. Pregnancy and birth took its toll on me physically. I would have loved to have had my first at 30, think it's the ideal age.

Agh, not should read now!
I am now happily a mother of 3.

No, definitely not. I had mine at 32 and 37. I lived a very carefree exciting life in my 20s. I’m incredibly grateful for it. It makes the really tough days of parenting manageable because I enjoyed all of that to the full when I was younger. You have a lifetime of responsibilities and early quiet nights at home ahead of you. I’d live it up now while you can.

I would start sooner if I had my time again. ( I had first in early thirties.)

25 would have been too early for me. Had dd at 30 and DS at 34, which felt right. I’d have a few more years enjoying yourselves before taking the plunge.

I would have started sooner too - I wanted to be married before kids which dragged things out longer than I would have wanted to....it's not the getting pregnant bit that can be hard but the staying pregnant and if you encounter multiple pregnancy losses etc and have to go for treatment or investigations years can go by before you know it

Also I would have liked to be a young enough grandmother one day to hopefully enjoy grandkids but if my DD is the same age as me when she has children I'll be older than I really wanted to be

I’d have chosen to have my first at 25, rather than the 30 I did, like previous poster it took quite a while and quite a bit of help to get pg in the end.

No. Tbh I would have happily waited a few more years (I'm 33) had I not been worried about fertility and conceiving. I'm glad I didn't as I have my lovely DD now, of course, but if I hadn't been conscious of getting older I wouldn't have minded a few more years of being childfree.

I had first at 27 and second at 30. I did feel more tired the second time around but could have been due to having a toddler also! I think looking back that was good age. Now 43 and have a 10 and 14 year old.

Go for it absolutely ideal situation Op. had mine at 28 but ttc at 26. I still wish we started earlier ! Kids are much more fun when you have energy for them.

You can have one. Enjoy the child and have a 3 year gap till the next so you won’t have to be overwhelmed with parenting.

But it’s honestly the earlier the better in my books.

I had my DC at 25 and 28. Honestly - I’d have waited a couple of years. I wish I’d had more of my twenties and us as just a couple. Our D.C. are great and I had super easy pregnancies and births (both at home) which youth might have had something to do with (who knows?) and we’re still together and strong (DC are 10&7) but yes I feel I missed out on having a bit of time with spare cash and freedom - we went from first jobs and skint to having children and skint and never got to enjoy that sweet spot. Also all my friends had their babies after the age of 30, most of them in the last year or two, and I do feel a little left out as mine are so much older

On the plus side I always feel young because all the other parents are a good 10-15years older than us!

But I dunno, never a “right” time is there? And the thought that in theory we’ll have an empty nest in our late forties and more time to save for retirement as we shouldn’t be as financially responsible for our children, that’s quite nice!

Yes I would have. It turns out that I have a health condition that means we can't have the number of children we wanted and maybe if we had started earlier it would have been OK.

Had my first and only so far at 32. I wish I had him at 30 instead, but only got together with him at 28.

At 25 I would wait a few years, 27/28 would allow you a few more stress free years.

Honestly? Yes my god I would do it earlier. I'm nearly 34, struggling desperately to have a second child and surrounded by friends in their mid 30s all noticing the time to conceive is getting longer & the miscarriages are getting more common. I do think it's good to enjoy some time being "dual income no kids yet", however. if I was your age and in your shoes and could have my time again, I'd do a couple of years of child free amazing long haul holidays, evening entertainment and socialising that are harder with young kids, then i would crack on having a family if that's what we both wanted. Its not about the age you are when you start on a family, its the struggle you might have got child number 2 or 3.