Am I a fishwife?

[sosig]

I can’t decide who’s wrong. Can you help me by calling it please?

Dh runs a very new but successful gas business. The success is based purely on hard work and a good reputation. Long term aim was to also get into property, flipping or renting. 12 months ago he finds a deal, a semi that needs refurbish with a pot with outline permission. He thinks he can do the house refurb and then selling to break even to leave him with the building plot which he’d own outright. He needed a 12 month bridge as he didn’t have necessary funds and his parents put up their home as guarantee. I begged my dh not to go ahead as I thought the risk was too great. I wanted him to have money behind him before he did property.

So 12 months on massive over spend on house but the house has been done to a fantastic standard and sells for 15% more than expected. The plot hasn’t gone well as it’s small and architect did a poor job. Outline permission has expired on the plot. Dh has to fund over spend rinsed the business of all the cash and basically we’re broke. Luckily I inherited a large some of money. However I’m really pissed off he’s had to have 30k from my inheritance just to keep business afloat. He promised me he wouldn’t need any money from the business to fund the property.

So he owes me 30k and another creditor 12k. The house has paid back the bridge. So my problem is basically I feel I’ve ended up paying for him playing at property. His attitude is that it’s been a success and we’re married so the inheritance is our money and he’d support me if the roles were reversed so I should support him. He’s now found another good deal that he wants to do and on paper is does look very good - however again I’ve begged him to get straight financially before he does anymore deals. He says the only way to get straight is to do another deal. He’s very open about not feeling guilty about the first project and puts it down to a learning experience. I should also add that he has had businesses before which failed and the fall out there was in excess of 30k which family had to pay.

Aibu? I’m starting to think dh is devoid of a conscience or guilt.

I used to work with someone who did very well with property renovation and renting alongside his job. He is a joiner and works as a manager in council building services. However, he runs his property renovation as a legitimate business; it's a limited company and the profits from previous houses in rentals pay for the next renovation. He would never put his family at risk. The company name can't be linked to him and his BIL is the name on all the planning and building applications as company director so that he can keep the business separate and never be accused of using work contacts or 'getting an unofficial nod'. He does very well and your husband would do well to clean up his sloppy business practices to copy him.

OP, I'm not surprised that you are ill with stress at all this. How anyone can be so casual about nearly putting his wife and parents out of their own homes through their mistakes is beyond me. It doesn't sound as though he's learned anything from it either. Tie up your own money as much as you can away from his butter fingers.

The fishwives were bloody amazing women. They gutted and salted fish in all weathers and worked at high speed with sharp knives, with few breaks. Yes, they were coarse and vulgar, but they were as tough as old boots and they looked out for each other as they travelled from port to port. They would absolutely not have stood for this shit.
OP, channel your inner fishwife!

I can see we are not going to agree so I will leave it there.

I was asked to come on here by my wife

I have also looked after her to the best of my ability in the very dark depths of mental illness and throughout her fathers illness and last few weeks. Mental illness is the worst thing in the whole world and I would never wish it on anyone. Its been hell the past few years for her and I hope she agrees ive made things a tiny bit better for her with my help.

I will endevour to be a better person and remove the stress from her life.

I look forward to coming back on this forum to say I have paid her back in full with interest.

Thanks for your thoughts 😊

Councils, especially planning committees, are fickle. We all know that. It's basic general knowledge.

If you want to understand their decision-making, ask the council officers, then ask your councillor - and listen very carefully to what is said and what left unsaid but can be read between the lines.

Well fair enough to you DH. Good luck to you both.

I thought this thread would be about some woman f-ing and blinding in the street while wielding a packet of haddock or something, only to find it’s a property thread.

So you are 42k in debt over your first property venture, wanted to continue throwing good money after bad, and are holding it against your wife for stopping you?

Calling your wife a lady of luxury because she is dealing with MH problems and the death of her father is really shitty of you.

I agree with others, it sounds like his attitude stinks and whilst he is welcome to invest how he likes, it needs to be his own money!

I am also really Interested to know your definition of fishwife? Like PP I only know it as an insult to mean a woman shouting and hollering and generally acting rough. I've googled but can't find a definition that would suit this circumstance. What does it mean to you?

How is your DH going to deal with any shortfall of funds on his next project, based on the assumption there's no new inheritance to fall back on? He doesn't sound v good at all of this with the problems he's run into

So far, everyone else has coughed up for his poor business acumen; you, his parents, his family and another person. Everyone except him. He is messing with money that is not his.
This would be a huge red flag for me. I would want to see some major action to pay back the money owed from a low risk option, not one that could end up pouring good money after bad.
Married or not, enough is enough.

DH (who's very experienced and successful in property) reckons that the whole planning permission bit sounds like you don't know what you're doing and you shouldn't assume/expect that you'll definitely get the planning permission when the plot is bigger. His advice it to seek professional advice.

IMO, it'd be good if you had some meetings together with people to determine if you want to take the risk of buying the other bit of land. However, given the circumstances, once a planning permission is secured, I'd sell the plot: that should give you a nice profit without exposing you to the risks involved in trying to build a house on there (and more debt and stress).

And then put new ventures on hold until you've saved up for them.

I agreed to remortgage our house twice to support my husband's business. But and it's a big BUT , he wasn't a twat and wasn't into pure speculation or any airy fairy possible planning permission. He owned the site and with planning permission it was much more valuable. He had a solid business plan and eventually sold the business for a fucking shed load of money.
You're expecting your wife to fund your lifestyle with no return. And, if you think she lives a life of luxury. I think you're so far up your own backside you've no idea which way is up.

So, having heard how distressed your wife is about this and considered all the other people who could be dragged down by this failing (and given the history of business failure, that doesn't seem unlikely) and bearing in mind your wife's fragile mental health, you have decided to ignore her perfectly valid concerns and carry on anyway?

OP, whatever else happens, secure you inheritance and make sure that he cannot access it. Neither your money nor your financial future is safe.

If this is real leave the cunt.
To the H your a fool.

That doesn't make sense. If you did all this well within time how has it expired? If you were within the parameters of the original pp why was it refused and why didn't you appeal? I'm not being rude but I do this everyday and what you're saying is factually flawed. I smell BS.

Well this took a surprising turn.

I'd have to agree, insinuating your wife is basically just living it up when she's very unwell is not very nice.

To be honest I'm wondering if you're one of these series entrepreneurs. Doesn't want to work for anyone else, likes a gamble, eye on the grr rich quick scheme, and happy to continually lose someone else's money?

Your wife has a point. Gamble with your own money not her inheritance. If the council u turn again what rhe fuck would you do with two useless worthless plots? Or one big one?

It's one thing to have a high attitude to risk, it's w hole other to have it when it's someone else's money your spunking on your bet.

I'm curious to know the answer to villages questions too. Did you go outwith the original out line permission, is that why it expired and got rejected, you tried to do something else instead?

I've one final thought for the wife. First, I have to say I'm glad your husband has provided support through your illness--quite often, men leave a relationship rather than deal with caretaking responsibilities.

Second, his support isn't enough.

You need to ensure that you're looking after yourself and providing yourself with security and stability, to the best degree that you're able to do so. This is mental, emotional, medical, physical, financial.... All aspects. If you can get a plan put in place for this, then you can focus on healing.

Regrettable as the circumstances were that led to your inheritance, your father did grant you the ability to put such a plan in motion. If he's like any caring father I've ever known, he'd be fully in support of you using the inheritance for this goal.
You don't need to have this safety net built immediately, but you can start the plan for it now.

Your husband says he's agreed to pay you back and give up this venture. I hope he's sincere, but the best way to ensure he is is to have him sign a loan repayment agreement. Ensure it is legally enforceable, with the date, total amount, number and amount of payments due with their own due dates, and a date that the loan must be fully repaid by. Please double check that whatever he signs, it is legally enforceable. At a loan of this amount it is worth paying a solicitor to see through the paperwork start to finish. Then at least, you'll have mitigated the damage done through stress and hardship.

Sending you the very best of luck and well wishes,
A fellow chronically ill person.

He’s using your inheritance fund badly, he is not showing any responsibility, tell him he is getting no more money. I would certainly not say he was successful.

@01smartc ahhh so you're a useless knob then. Own it.
OP run. Run for the hills.

What's a gas business?

@01smartc

Seriously?!

How much do you currently owe everyone? Total?

Being in debt by £10,000's regardless of who you've conned or coerced borrowed from means it was a FAILURE!

You clearly have NO idea what you're doing and you're being hugely selfish and irresponsible in insisting on throwing more good money after bad!

Grow the fuck up get a normal paid job or do a business with MUCH less risk that you're actually capable in (and listen to your wife's opinion on this) and stop causing your family financial instability!!

"The idea of the first deal was to break even" which you didn't do!

"I admit things didnt go to plan and there was an overspend and some poor managment from myself." Understatement of the year

"The plot of land I am now left with also struggled to get full planning despite it already having outline - So its essentially not worth very much now." So cut your losses! This is pretty much the literal definition of the "sunk costs fallacy"

"I also have a high attitude to risk, which has got me in trouble sometimes but has also come good for me at others" you're a gambler! And you're not just gambling your money and security but your family's too. I'M willing to bet that if an unbiased person assessed your gains and losses overall you've lost NOT gained!

"I was also given the ultimatum of choose the property deal or the relationship and chose the relationship." You were lucky, i wouldn't have bailed you out and I'd have ended the relationship.

"Surely in a marriage you work together? Thats the point?" Yes - but in a sensible way! Its not carte blanche to do whatever you like no matter how bad an idea and expect your spouse to bail you out when you inevitably screw up! It also means you give a shit about your spouse's health and don't minimise and dismiss their ill health, especially when your actions have made it worse.

Your wife not working currently due to ill health is NOT her living a "life of luxury" either! Get over yourself!

OP How long have you not been working? How does £30k compare to half the costs of your bills over that time? I'm sure it negates a fair bit of your husbands claim that he's supporting you.

To the husband again - given your wife's health that makes your actions even more appalling and potentially criminal/financially abusive! Because you put a vulnerable adult in a position where if she hadn't bailed you out over your screw up she'd have lost her home!!

Shame on you!

OP take your inheritance and leave this immature, selfish, manipulative and abusive loser! ASAP!

And I'm not buying the supposedly reasonable update either.

@01smartc
Having said that she did fund us before I started the gas business as well as paying for me to take the gas course after a previous failed business
Everyone is funding you because of your failed businesses. The gas business - which OP funded by paying for you to qualify to run, and I would imagine ended up paying start up costs - will fail while you commit less time & involvement to it as you want to skip on to property development now.
And get rid of the horses. 4 horses? What on earth for? Was this yet another "failed business"?