Am I a fishwife?

[sosig]

I can’t decide who’s wrong. Can you help me by calling it please?

Dh runs a very new but successful gas business. The success is based purely on hard work and a good reputation. Long term aim was to also get into property, flipping or renting. 12 months ago he finds a deal, a semi that needs refurbish with a pot with outline permission. He thinks he can do the house refurb and then selling to break even to leave him with the building plot which he’d own outright. He needed a 12 month bridge as he didn’t have necessary funds and his parents put up their home as guarantee. I begged my dh not to go ahead as I thought the risk was too great. I wanted him to have money behind him before he did property.

So 12 months on massive over spend on house but the house has been done to a fantastic standard and sells for 15% more than expected. The plot hasn’t gone well as it’s small and architect did a poor job. Outline permission has expired on the plot. Dh has to fund over spend rinsed the business of all the cash and basically we’re broke. Luckily I inherited a large some of money. However I’m really pissed off he’s had to have 30k from my inheritance just to keep business afloat. He promised me he wouldn’t need any money from the business to fund the property.

So he owes me 30k and another creditor 12k. The house has paid back the bridge. So my problem is basically I feel I’ve ended up paying for him playing at property. His attitude is that it’s been a success and we’re married so the inheritance is our money and he’d support me if the roles were reversed so I should support him. He’s now found another good deal that he wants to do and on paper is does look very good - however again I’ve begged him to get straight financially before he does anymore deals. He says the only way to get straight is to do another deal. He’s very open about not feeling guilty about the first project and puts it down to a learning experience. I should also add that he has had businesses before which failed and the fall out there was in excess of 30k which family had to pay.

Aibu? I’m starting to think dh is devoid of a conscience or guilt.

She is a lady of luxuary during the day

So you don’t have kids, she doesn’t look after the house and just swans around all day?

Given that proceeding with the venture would be a bad plan, it’d make sense to discuss what you’ll both now do for money, or to reduce your outgoings.

Eg you could return to the gas business and OP to her previous field of work.

I'm a gambler and can see where hubby is coming from. I've taken high risks and they have paid off. I'd go for it

I always thought a fishwife was someone who shouted a lot

Ok, how certain is it you'd get thr planning permission for the new extended plot and whatever you have planned would come off?

What's the risk associated with it?

The only way to make it worth something (and be able to pay back the money borrowed) is to do a deal on next door and add their bit of land to mine to make it bigger and get planning a This is the new deal I want to do

There is no guarantee you will get planning, there fore gambling again and will leave you further in debt.

Do you children?

I don't like your attitude of her owing you it because you 'fund' her life style. That should be an arrangement between you two with no resentment, either you are happy with that arrangement or not. it should not be then used to emotionally blackmail her.

If I was your wife I be straight off to find a job so I was not beholden to you at all.

My DH helped support me through Uni and being a SAHM, never has he ever used that against me, and all our financial decisions we make together weighing up pro's and con's. Not Who earns/earnt or has the most.

What makes you think that risking your stability, in terms of relationships and material security (a roof overhead and food on the table), is a responsible plan? For you personally? Or for your family?

I think you're caught up in irrelevant details and need to take a step back to examine what could be lost in terms of what little there is to gain. Your number one priority should be providing a safe, stable, reliable home for yourself and your family.

Isn't a better plan to have money stashed away, in the hopes that you wouldn't need to tap into it, rather than gambling it and hoping that it pays off?

BTW, OP. It’s HER money. Inherited money is even treated as separate from joint money, in the case of divorce. The person who left the money, left it to HER, not so you could arse about pretending to be some sort of property tycoon.

I mean OP’s husband, not OP.

To the husband

You are not working with your own money, it's family money and debt owed (family and otherwise) should be paid back first.

So OP, i take it you have no kids or caring responsiblilities so arent facilitating him being able to work and play with money from his response? If not then i would go back to work so you can be sure of some monies and your husband should pay back what he borrowed before you continue.

If you do then your husband is disrespectful as well to see you as not part of a team but just reaping off him.

To be a team, both have to be heard. Not one railroaded.

You sound exactly like my stbxh, he had a business that did very well but that wasn't enough for him. He over leveraged without thinking about the possible effects. We have lost everything down to his greed, my children and I will be evicted from our home this summer as a direct result of his risk taking. Do you understand that your wife does not always have to do what you want? She has already done this for you once. I don't mean to sound harsh.

She is a lady of luxuary during the day

Oh how lovely.

So you pay for everyday cleaners, laundry, personal grocery shopper, cook, gardener, chauffer, etc. How much does all that set you back?

OP invest the inheritance money somewhere safe so he can't spend it and leave you all broke.

He’s a joke

Btw, OP, did you tell your husband you were on here or did he go looking for you?

Just for clarification

We have no kids - I do all the cooking. My other half does not cook at all and I do half of the housework - Not all I admit. We pay for a gardener and the business pays for all fuel and the car etc
We also have 4 horses which I mostly pay for and look after. 2 are on full livery and the other 2 on grass livery which I go to check on every couple of days.

In terms of planning I have an unofficial nod from the planners due to the amount of consultation for the first plot.

Anyway all of that is irrelevent as I am not doing the deal any more?

Gosh how embarrassing, the husband coming on talking like he's some property tycoon and bragging about being a risk taker. Congratulations on being a gambler.

The attitude of the DH seems to be "I have shared my profit with you in the past, you should share your inheritance with me now" " but this isnt about moral" fairsies" its about losing financial security. Just because the OP has financially benefited in the past does not oblige her to pour more capital into an investment which she does not trust and has shown itself to lose money already.

This is not a case of your wife "refusing to support your dreams", it's a case of her trying to protect you BOTH from a bad business decision.

She told me and asked me to reply - im not a stalker lol

OP,
Protect yourself.

Do you have your wife's agreement that you can post on her thread that she started for support for herself?

Cross posts.

So I guess she just wanted to see how people react to you.

Thank you for your replies. I did ask my husband to read the forum as I wasn't able to get through to him why I couldn't let go and why I was so upset about our current situation.

It is true I'm not working at the moment and have no short term plans to. To cut a long story short I have mental health problems, depression and anxiety. In part this has been caused by caring for my dad who died in awful circumstances hence inheriting the money. It has also been made worse by the stress of my oh project and lack of stability because before I inherited the finances were so bad. I honestly need a stable environment to get well. I would argue I pay 50% of the house hold bills by using my inheritance.

I take back not wanting to sound harsh.

"unofficial nod"? Dear God you are naive at best.

So you are unwell and have had caring responsibilities for your dad until he did. Your husband is disrespectful and dismissive for saying you live the life of luxury thanks to him.

From your husband's responses i wouldnt bet on him taking on board the things people have said.