To go to church even if I am an athiest?

[Imicola]

So we moved a couple of years ago, spent lots of time looking for a house then renovating said house, and now have a baby. We don't have any real friends where we live as we didn't really have any time to get out and meet people before baby arrived. DH is keen for us to go to church as it is the only thing locally on a weekend where we can go with a baby and meet other local people. I don't believe in god and generally don't like religion of any type, but I am contemplating going to support DH in this. I'm not sure though if this is a terrible idea...i feel like I wouldn't enjoy the services, but perhaps it would be worth it to meet people. But is it rude of me to go when I don't believe?
Any thoughts? I feel conflicted!

Organisations, not whatever nonsense I wrote, obviously!

Of course you can go. Don't be rude about people's beliefs though.

I've gone to church on and off throughout my life and find the ritual of it all really calming. God I can take or leave tbh.

When my kids were small we went to a lovely church where there was a sort of crèche Sunday school sort of thing and they took the kids and entertained them during the service. That hour of quiet during the week saved my sanity.

You probably will be bored in the service though

It's strange how often the sermon seems to relate to something going on in my life even though I'm not a massive believer.

Although I suppose the main Christian themes of loving everyone and being kind are fairly universal.

Dh and I go reasonably regularly with the children. He's a definite atheist and I'm on the fence however I was raised Catholic and wanted the children to attend Church. For a couple of reasons, we attend the Church of Scotland and they enjoy the Sunday School, Messy Church and related activities.

I didn't know anyone in our local community when dc1 was born so I went to lots of baby groups, made friends and then we started doing things as families at weekends so that might be an option too.

@MiktziK I'd be interested to hear what these "high pressure sales tactics" are that you've experienced on an Alpha course? I've been to loads of Alpha courses in different churches and they all consisted of a short talk or dvd explaining why Christians believe what they do and then people discussing their thoughts in small groups. All kinds of questions and points of view were shared from all sorts of people from all walks of life. How did your experience differ?

Do you have a Unitarian church nearby? All you need to believe there is that Jesus was a nice bloke and we should try and be more like him. There's no crucifixes, guilt or sins and plenty of questions, alternative interpretations and freedom.

Give it a go, if it doesn't work after two weeks don't go back but try another. Honestly there is a type of church for every one, we were like religious tourists until I found the one which was right for my family. The kids liked the one which gave them jelly snakes after the service but I wasn't so keen as they talked about going to hell too much for my liking! Eventually we found the right one for us but don't think you need faith. Just go as church is for everyone and remember even the regulars will have dips and troughs, quite often I go and am seriously questioning my faith and not doing any of the things Christians should do.

I don't think it's hypocritical but does the church have a very social side to it? I think as long as you are respectful of other people's beliefs and don't make a bit deal.of your own atheist beliefs than I can't see why there would be a problem.

You might need to visit a few churches, some are more family friendly than others. All churches should be welcoming visitors and as long as you aren't lying about intentions I think it's fine. 'DH was interested and asked me to join him' is close enough to the truth for everyone without causing offence.

Because of the way the questions were framed, the repetition of key phrases, the manipulation, everything was sales based - ex was a salesman as well as a narcissist and I recognised every technique, including the attempts at a close.

It was an evangelical church that had taken over the local Mum and Baby Group, Youth Club and eventually the entire community centre as a whole whilst their members started going into local Conservative politics, which might have some bearing upon it, though. I heard two of them whispering 'how's your lovebombing going? Getting there' about the people they were 'buddying' when they thought nobody could hear them.

I went in there out of interest, but almost as soon as the first video started, never mind the conversation afterwards, my internal warning system pinged. From living with the ex and having studied RE to undergraduate level (so I knew a lot more than I let on), I was able to be non committal and not stand out as being 'difficult', so I heard much more over later weeks, including discussions about casting out people who didn't believe enough, how hard it was to resist the exhortations to tithe when they really couldn't afford it, how some of the wives were acting as an enforcement team, that kind of stuff. And how quickly people were dropped if they said they weren't comfortable.

I have no issue with Christians as a whole - Catholic, Protestant, whatever, they believe something that makes them happy. Just as Buddhists do, etc. But the Alpha Course felt completely different, very manipulative and, as I said, like high pressure sales. It might have been specific to that one evangelical church, but it set off enough red flags for me to want to avoid it forever.

But go to a CE, Baptist or RC church service? No problem. Help with the teas, set up and run the sound, fix the organ PA? No problem. Sing a Requiem Mass or at a show fundraising to repair the Lady Chapel? No problem. Ensure that others behave appropriately in a place of worship as part of my job? No problem.

Attend Alpha ever again? No chance.

Do remember that if you go, your are implicitly telling DC that church-going is a good thing. You may or may not agree with this.

It does seem a bit odd to go to church if you're actively a disbeliever tho. I go to church more for the social side of things but I enjoy the sermons and helping in the Sunday school (and therefore teaching the verses/stories etc). I wouldn't describe myself as an atheist tho. As I'm not a full on religious believer but I think there's a lot of truth in the stories and a higher being somewhere.

I don't think the majority of the socialising goes on on a Sunday morning though. Maybe 10 mins after the 1.5hr service with a cup of tea so may not be the ideal place to socialise lol

As others have said, it really depends on the church. I am not a believer but am a regular at my local cathedral. I started going for the music when i joined one of the choirs, loved the services and really felt at home there. Choral evensong is wonderful and really lovely to sit and enjoy. I met DH there and two of my DCs have sung in the main catheral choir. It's the building and the atmosphere I love, as much as the people and the community. I know the clergy reasonably well as I also volunteer there. I have simply never mentioned that I am not a believer and noone has ever asked. Eldest DC did 5 years in the main cathedral choir from age 8 to 13 - he also enjoyed it for the music and never became a believer. I have always avoided the alpha course and anything that sounds like it's pushing the faith aspect and just stick with the regular services.

There's no harm in trying it and seeing what it's like, and how you feel after giving it a go.

@MitziK I'm sorry to hear that it sounds awful and would have also completely put me off Christianity! However I do think it's unfair to blame your experience of one church on the Alpha course itself. As I said I've been to lots of Alpha courses at different churches and never experienced this, it was always a very open minded culture and definitely no sales tactics! That church sounds absolutely awful and not one I would want to be part of either. Hopefully it is very much the exception than the rule.

I started going to our local church purely as a way of meeting people when we moved to the village.

I was incredibly lonely and they were very welcoming. I can't say I have a deep faith but there is a small glimmer of something. I now find it soothing, almost like a period of mindfulness in a hectic week. I used to worry that it was hypocritical but not I see that people go to our church for all kinds of reasons and they don't mind in the slightest.

I've met some lovely local friends through the church and it's opened doors into other local families. I really wouldn't hesitate, i think it's an excellent idea

I've been wondering this myself. I've never considered myself religious and wasn't raised in a religious house. Suddenly though I'm feeling very drawn to our local church and have been thinking of attending for a while.

I feel strange about it though and didn't know if I'd offend anyone by saying I have no religious background and have no current religious views. I suppose it's silly really, but something makes me want to go.

I don't think you should go, except perhaps to be supportive on occasions such as Christmas, or first communions/other special event if your child is raised in the faith. If your DH who is religious goes, no-one will be critical of you for not being there if you are not religious, or indeed if you were of a different Christian church or other faith.

Our church welcomes all-comers and there is no pressure on them to be believers before they enter.

You'll meet a lot of new people and probably find that there are other groups within the community that you didn't know about.

I'd say give it a go.

My great friend joined our CofE church for the 'benefits', ie creche, then, as her girls grew older, they had ready made friends to move into school with. She has a good singing voice and enjoyed singing there - christmas carols a speciality It also gave her Brownie points when it came to enrolling the girls at the heavily subscribed Big School(whatever you call that).

We would absolutely welcome you and we have all sorts who regularly attend, including those with a faith and those without. We don't do a hard sell on our faith, but you might well get invited to things like Alpha or a small group. No pressure to attend though.

Obviously any creche provision will have some Bible story or similar, but if that doesn't worry you, then that's fine. We have loads going on mid-week, evenings and weekends. I guess you do have to be prepared that you might have your current thinking softened, or that your children might grow up with a faith, if they grow up in church. Just a caution to think about how you might feel if that was the case.

Also, I would definitely try a variety of Churches, even of the same denomination, there is a spectrum from very traditional to very relaxed and everything in-between.

I'm not a big believer. I consider myself semi agnostic but I take my dcs to church a couple of times a month for the following reasons:

I believe in something bigger and better than the rather messed up human race. Not sure what to call it.

I want my children to grow up with a sense that there is more to life than the material world - and this is actually now supported by areas of science such as quantum physics.

I've tried taking them to non-religious 'church' and as nice as it was I honestly did feel something missing.

I feel it gives a meaningful sense of the passing of time. Theres a reassuring rhythm to the year.

The clergy at the church I attend are mostly around my age, have young kids themselves and are adept at weaving together the mundane and the sublime in a way that's meaningful for me.

They're also honest in the sense that the vicar who did the sermon today came out and said that there are passages of the bible he struggles with, or even disagrees with. I find that refreshing.

Singing. Say no more.

A social network for the dcs outside school.

Probably many more but cooking dinner atm.

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts, it's really helpful, particularly to hear from those that are church goers! My parents have never been attenders at church but when I was younger I did enjoy going to our local kids church group, so I am totally happy that baby should have the opportunity to learn about it and decide her own views. And I absolutely respect other people's beliefs, and would certainly not do or say anything to offend them! I was worried me just being there might be seen as offensive. It seems our local church does have specific things for families (would be crazy not to as we are in a very family orientated location), so I guess I have nothing to lose!

I made my best friends at a C of E Church, I moved here, knew no one and got chatting to the vicars wife in the post office who invited me to their toddlers group.
I was an atheist at the time.
About 5 years later I started to develop a sense of "something" more and would identify as a believer now.
There is much I am sceptical of and I am openly critical of anyone who is homophobic but TBH I haven't met many of those.

Speaking as someone whose background is VERY rural... The church is often the centre of the areas social scene. In my experience, MOST people from the surrounding parish will go to the church at least once or twice a month, just for the social scene.
Churches in these sorts of areas are USUALLY very "low church", and they are pretty casual affairs. Generally a couple of hymns of the primary school variety that everyone knows, a very short sermon (usually of the "be nice to people" variety), and sometimes someone from the local area will give a bit of a chat about some interest of theirs. The whole thing takes about 40 mins, if that, then it's coffee, biscuit and chat time.

Often, village churches hold baby/toddler groups during the week, either in the church, or in the village hall.

Whenever I "go home" I tend to go along to the church service, as it's a good chance to see extended family and old neighbours etc, and I'm as atheist as they come!

I wouldn’t be comfortable doing this. If/when you do make friends they will probably think it’s a bit weird when they find out you were just using the church to make friends.

Also, would you be comfortable taking your kids to church if you’re an atheist? I wouldn’t be.