Aibu to think 10am is a long enough lie-in when you have young DC’s?

[SickOfTheHeatAlready]

DH and I take it in turns of a weekend with regards to who gets up with the DC’s (we have an almost 2 and a half year old, and a one year old) meaning that each of us will get one ‘lay in’ per week. Monday-Friday DH is up and out the door by 6:30am, returns home around 5:30pm.. on a ‘good’ day, the DC’s will wake up at 7am latest, but lately it’s been anywhere from 4:30am so understandably, both DH and I are shattered by the weekend and very much look forward to some extra sleep.

But here’s my niggle, when it’s my turn to sleep in, I’m normally up no later than 9:30am.. 10am at an absolute push if I’m feeling especially wiped out. If I sleep in much longer than that, I feel like I’ve lost half my day, plus, to me, 9:30 is give or take anywhere between 3 & 4 hrs later than I’d usually wake up so it’s a welcome break! Not to mention DC2 goes down for a nap around 11am, and usually doesn’t get back up until around 1/2, so if I stayed in bed much later than the time that I do, I’d only see him for about 4-5hrs before he was due to go back to bed for the night!

My DH however, can easily, and will easily stay in bed until a tornado hits the house. He seems to be able to sleep through any and all noise that the DC’s make in the morning (I do try my best to keep them as quiet as I can for as long as I can, though) and more often than not, I’m still sat there at 11-11:30am waiting for him to get up. I always end up having to go in and prod him and tell him to wake up, then he surfaces about 15 minutes after that (if he doesn’t just fall straight back to sleep, that is). But honestly, if I didn’t go in and stir him, we’d probably not see him til well past midday and I can’t work out if I’m BU to think that 10am is a plenty long enough lay in when you have small DC’s.

I’m half ‘should I let him sleep for as long as he wants?’ and half ‘fuck no, I don’t stay in bed until lunch time!’

9am is the limit here, though we are usually up by 830. DS is an early riser and although it is nice to get a lie in each, it isnt fair to be left on your own for hours on end. The weekends are family time as we both work full time.

It’s his lie in. I would say he can get up when he likes. Just because you like being up no later than 9.30, doesn’t mean he should be.

Did you mean to write "dc"? You surely don't "get" an adult "up" do you?

Er, yes you do if the person has a history of sleeping in for a really long time while you struggle with a pair of toddlers all by yourself.

Hmmm. Depends what happens during the week really. You don’t both get up at 4.30am?

If you’re getting up with the kids 6/7 mornings and he is taking all day to recover from his one morning, that is taking the piss a little bit.
But if you alternate during the week, he should be able to lie in if he allows you the opportunity to do the same. Take them out in the Ethan do something together in the afternoon?

That should be: take them out in the morning then do something together in the afternoon?

I get up with the DC's Monday to Friday, my lie in are Saturdays, then I'm up with them again on the Sunday. Due to the nature of DH sleeping the day away unless he's prodded countless times, the only day we can do anything together as a family is a Saturday, so even IF I wanted to sleep in later than 9:30, I'd feel mean doing so as once again, it'd mean that we couldn't take the kids for a full Day out and would be limited to a couple of hours in the afternoon.

Or you plan the night before, if your not going anywhere great your free to lie in, if you are then you agree “right so I will wake you at whatever time is needed”

There seems to be an element of martyrdom here.

I didn't realise working adults had "lie-ins" at weekends in the way that students would. My ds gets up at 6am during the week, so 7.30 is a lie-in. I get up about 7.15 every day, I don't really vary the time I get up. 8am at the very latest. I can't imagine staying in bed until late morning, but then I go to bed quite early, 10.30 at the latest.

it'd mean that we couldn't take the kids for a full Day out and would be limited to a couple of hours in the afternoon

if you want to go out on a Sunday surely you would just make sure everyone was up in time, regardless of whose turn for a lie in it was.

I meant DH not DS

We have 3 young DC - the oldest is extremely energetic and if he isn't out of the house doing something by 10ish gets manic and uncontrollable. When the kids were getting up at 5ish we considered 7.30-8am a lay in. It just wasn't fair to leave one person coping with 3 screaming fighting children alone for longer than 2-3 hours.

My DH can and does sleep long and thru all the noise so yes at 8.30am I would wake him and say right I've been up for 3 hours now you need to pitch in. He would do the same to me if I wasn't up after 2-3 hours.

I think a few things are getting mixed up here op. If you want to do things at weekend friends / farm whatever you should be able to do thise either day. It just means that weekend you both have shorter lie ins but equally dont have to be every weekend. You (like me) dont find lie in with kids in house peaceful so get out and have some me time or ask him to take kids out. Soon the will be able to do swimming / ballet / football etc in morning so you can alternate who takes them. I was sympathetic but you seem quite negative which doesnt help.

Fuck me. In the years I’ve been with DH and so been involved with DSS I’ve never slept until 10am. Ever. We’re lucky if he doesn’t get up before 5am. Now I have a newborn too I wonder if there’s any point going to bed at all.

Your DH is disrespectful.
He doesn’t make any effort to have some quiet time when it’s your turn to sleep.
He doesn’t make any effort to spend time with his dw and dcs as a family (see the lie in until mid day)
He expects you to make all the effort to get up early enough so you have one day as a family, wake him up in the am if he sleeps too long and doesn’t seem to want to make an effort to solve an issue that HE agreed to (aka he sleeps too long, feels crap afterwards etc...)

Ric I dint think it’s that much that the OP doesn’t find a lie in that restful/relaxing. More that her DH makes no effort to keep the noise down (which she does) and that she is mindful that the day goes to waste with no time together as a family (which he doesn’t).
I suspect that the OP would love a long lie in if she had some peace and quiet and then time during the week to actually do things as a family.

Hmm, I don't think it's a lie in if someone wakes you up and I feel you pressured him into agreeing the 10am limit. If he really wanted his lie in to end at 10am then he'd set an alarm.
You sound as though you're resentful about how much sleep he is getting rather than you want a happy family day out.
Have a chat again about what time is acceptable to both of you for a long lie and then you each take responsibility for getting yourself up at that time.
If you can't sleep for longer because of the noise then suggest he takes the DCs out or get some ear plugs.
Lack of sleep is so difficult. Feeling exhausted can cause so much resentment but you can work out a routine that keeps you both happy.

Sleep is extremely important for physical and mental health. If he wants to get up at 10 then agree that that's what you will do and how you will achieve it. Otherwise you need to let him have his lie in to whatever time he wants. Arrange to do something with other people on that day. Sleep is vital and should never be seen as "wasting the day".

A lie in to us is just a longer sleep than everybody else. It's irrelevant how that sleep ends or if you are woken. If it's longer than everyone else it's still a lie in.

And that's fine for you MrsKoala and it's working for your family but it isn't working for the OP.

But if he says he just wants to sleep till he naturally wakes how is that fair on his wife and small children? Knackers to that. I'd insist he had the first lie in of the weekend and then time how long he sleeps. Then the next day i'd lay in or go out for that exact amount of time. I'd keep doing that every weekend so it was fair.

yes. Although my OH works away during the week, comes back at weekends and sleeps until 1pm- if I wake him or ask for help in the mornings as Ive been doing it myself all week he's in such a mood it isn't worth it.

10am is plenty long enough. We'd both taken it in turns and been out for a run by then this morning. Weekends are about spending time all together as a family for us. You both get to relax a bit more as there's 2 of you looking after the kids.

10am is plenty!

It’s not about wasting the day in my opinion it’s about having to parent on your own.

It’s about not being able to go anywhere as a family until late in the day.

My DH could lie in bed until after midday quite happily ... but then he's a night owl. His idea of going out for the day is to leave early afternoon and come back in the evening. That's totally different to me, i'm a lark and my idea of going out for a day is leaving the house at 9am if not earlier!

We've just learnt to compromise. If we are going somewhere that needs 'daytime' then I tell DH in advance, and he treats it as though it were a work day, getting up before 8am. But I also accept that if we are visiting relatives (for example) that doesn't have to mean arriving at midday and leaving at 4pm, it can be arriving at 3pm and leaving in the evening. Going out somewhere (park, shopping, etc) can be done just as well in the afternoon as in the morning. Nobody says we have to be home and settled by 5pm. It's a different way of thinking to the way I was brought up, that's for sure.

I don't actively wake DH on a Sunday morning, but I make an awful lot of noise about taking him a coffee at 9:30am

I go into my OH at 9 am with a cappuccino and wake him up nicely. He appreciates it and gets up shortly after. But we do something every weekend even if it's just the playground, beach or a bike ride. It's our family time. Plus I don't get a lie on atm because we have a new born. I do go to sleep early instead. It works well for us. But he'd never ever wake me if I had a lie on. He'd happily let me sleep all day if I wanted to because I'd obviously need it. That doesn't happen though 🤣 I like being up and doing something for the day. He does too now but wasn't always like that... which is when we came up with the 9 am sleep in and I came up with the coffee in bed. Sometimes even breakfast 😁

10 is late in the day! 8am is a lie in here with 3 young ones.

MrsKoala I didn't say he should sleep all day. I said OP should instigate another conversation about it, agree a time for long lies and tell him to take responsibility for waking up at that time. I also said she should ask him to take the DCs out when its her long lie or she should get ear plugs.
Long lies are non-existent in our house. We're all up from about 6am but this isn't about my experience. I was trying to help OP to have a conversation with her DH so they can come up with a solution that works for them. imo her adopting the role of responsible parent trying to get him out of bed, isn't a productive way of resolving this.