Aibu to think 10am is a long enough lie-in when you have young DC’s?

[SickOfTheHeatAlready]

DH and I take it in turns of a weekend with regards to who gets up with the DC’s (we have an almost 2 and a half year old, and a one year old) meaning that each of us will get one ‘lay in’ per week. Monday-Friday DH is up and out the door by 6:30am, returns home around 5:30pm.. on a ‘good’ day, the DC’s will wake up at 7am latest, but lately it’s been anywhere from 4:30am so understandably, both DH and I are shattered by the weekend and very much look forward to some extra sleep.

But here’s my niggle, when it’s my turn to sleep in, I’m normally up no later than 9:30am.. 10am at an absolute push if I’m feeling especially wiped out. If I sleep in much longer than that, I feel like I’ve lost half my day, plus, to me, 9:30 is give or take anywhere between 3 & 4 hrs later than I’d usually wake up so it’s a welcome break! Not to mention DC2 goes down for a nap around 11am, and usually doesn’t get back up until around 1/2, so if I stayed in bed much later than the time that I do, I’d only see him for about 4-5hrs before he was due to go back to bed for the night!

My DH however, can easily, and will easily stay in bed until a tornado hits the house. He seems to be able to sleep through any and all noise that the DC’s make in the morning (I do try my best to keep them as quiet as I can for as long as I can, though) and more often than not, I’m still sat there at 11-11:30am waiting for him to get up. I always end up having to go in and prod him and tell him to wake up, then he surfaces about 15 minutes after that (if he doesn’t just fall straight back to sleep, that is). But honestly, if I didn’t go in and stir him, we’d probably not see him til well past midday and I can’t work out if I’m BU to think that 10am is a plenty long enough lay in when you have small DC’s.

I’m half ‘should I let him sleep for as long as he wants?’ and half ‘fuck no, I don’t stay in bed until lunch time!’

YABU. Just because you choose to play the martyr when it’s your turn doesn’t mean he has to do the same!

Just to say that normally we are both up before 6am (and sometimes baby is up for the day 5.30) so 8am is definitely a lie-in

It would annoy me OPas I like doing stuff. My two older kids are slightly older now 4 and 7 (baby 10 months) only baby is up very early but we always have plans / sports etc so we can't lie in past 9am. When the two older ones were little dh would sleep in later maybe to 11ish and on my lie in day I would get up at 9ish and go for a run/swim. Is something like that an option?

9.00am was always our "rule". By the time the person having a lie in has showered, dressed etc that only gives you a couple of hours to do something before children of that age need lunch.
What I did sometimes do in the summer was meet a friend who has similar aged children at the park at 7.30am (it wasn't close to houses) and we'd be there for a couple of hours. I'd tend to call DH as we were leaving and he'd get up then. That way, at least I didn't feel that I was spending the morning waiting for him before my day could properly start.
About once every six weeks or so, I'd arrange to meet a friend for a whole day at the weekend and DH had the best part of a day home alone. The first time it happened, I came home & he looked transformed & I realised that, in the 15mths since DC1 had been born, he may well have not had more than the odd half hour in the house by himself whereas I had the day when I was working from home and, whilst not quite the same, a couple of hours on my non-working days when DC1 was napping. Ever since, we're tried to build that time in for each other.

On a very very rare lay in it would be until 7.30am. I just can't sleep any later and feel like I've wasted the day

I feel the same about going to bed before midnight. Any earlier than that and I’m just wasting so much of the day. I don’t get why people would go to bed much earlier than that.

What would happen if you just stayed in bed on your lie in day?

Why not try it and see?

I suggest you be more specific and rename your lie ins to your “mornings” and have them on alternate weekends in a way that if you have a Saturday morning off duty, he has the next Saturday morning off.

So, if he wants to sleep until 12 that’s fine, but when you are off duty you can stay in bed until 8:30 then go with the morning as you please, which includes leaving the house and leaving him with the kids until lunch time.

It does help a lot because it gives you some time to reconnect with yourself and take a break from children duties one weekend, but also gives the time for you to bond with your children on your own on the next and avoid wasting the weekend waiting for him to wake up

I would suggest however that if the kids are waking up at 4:30 to make sure you do everything to get them into a reasonable routine (at this time of the year it may be as simple as getting a blackout courtain)

I would find this annoying. If it's an option I would arrange to get myself out for the morning so I wouldn't be waiting around for DP to get up. It's a long shift inside entertaining small children and keeping them quiet!! On my lie in I would extend it in some way. Not necessarily stay in bed but read a book, have a bath, start park run. Essentially I would try to find a way of not feeling resentful where everyone wins.

10am is a huge lie in for anyone who works in a standard working pattern Monday to Friday.

I could never have married my husband if we weren't on the same page when it comes to lie ins, it would be far too big an irritant for me to not let it grow into something huge. And when you have small children I think anything beyond about 8am is a massive luxury.

I'm not sure about this - it's your choice to limit your lie-in. If you don't think the situation is fair then take a longer lie in when its your next turn and see how he feels about looking after the children all morning single-handedly. If he doesn't have a problem with it, then I don't think you can complain, but if he does then maybe he'll realise his lie-in times are not fair.

Why don't you go out for a walk or take your book to the park instead? You don't have to stay in bed on your lie in morning. It's not his fault you wake early. Put in some earplugs.

TBF if I were up and gone for 6.30am every other morning, I would need sleep on my day off. I would be exhausted and I can't function well when I'm overtired.

YABU. Just because you choose to play the martyr when it’s your turn doesn’t mean he has to do the same!

I agree. It doesn’t matter when you get up. It also doesn’t matter whether anyone here thinks it’s reasonable. What time do you think he needs to be up, and what time does he think he needs to be up? If the two are not the same, you need to properly discuss it with him and if he gets sulky about it, you need to sort it.

I wouldn’t be creeping around being quiet though, “sitting waiting” for him is ridiculous. Get on with your day.

The idea about changing the concept of 'lie-in' to the concept of a morning to do what you please is a really good one. A practical solution for both of you.

I'm a single parent so slightly different.
8:30 here now that the children are old enough to be safe by themselves downstairs.

10am is perfect I think. Send the children in to wake him up.

Phineyj it's a bit like the 'What? Assuming your DH is a grown man, why does he have to ask your permission to go on an all day bike ride?' response, when the OP has already stated she has 6mo twins and he does this every weekend.

I'd be less annoyed had he not previously told me about us getting up at 10am so he doesn't waste the whole day sleeping. He also said that the more he sleeps in, the more tired he is later in the day so he wanted to avoid that too... but will still happily stay in bed until lunch time

FWIW, when he gets up with the DC's, he isn't quiet. The kids are screaming, they're all play fighting together less than an hour after getting up, the washing machine is on etc, I just find it impossible to sleep through.

I just think sleeping til lunch time is a pisstake when you have young kids. Yes, he's up and out by 6:30, but some weeks I can be up way before him. Doesn't mean I waste half the day in bed at the weekend when we could be out doing things as a family.

why is it a waste of the day if this is how you wanted it.that in itself is a perfect day! if you allow one lie in a week then it shouldnt have rules.i kind of get it becasue it would be good to have help etc but eqaually some people do really just love lie ins.i know many people who could still sleep til the afternoon if they were allowed.
and i always find the people who dont like to sleep in are always bloody moaning or making it almost shameful for the people that do.or is it jealousy???

I think sleep patterns, like finances,, need to be agreed before you even get seriously involved with someone, I just wouldn’t want to be with someone who enjoyed ‘lie ins’, whether we had DC or not. Both DH and I are ‘larks” always up early and doing something, but no use at all at night and generally in bed by 10.

Neither of us has ever had to ‘negotiate’ a lie in ... there’s really no easy solution. I think telling another adult when to get up is pretty controlling.

I am almost envious of those who sleep with such dedication. I’ve never been able to do it. The latest I’ve ever been able to lie, even in my teens, is 10. I never sleep past 7.30 now and I’m usually up before then anyway. I get up early for work, often fitting in a run before I go, so 7.30 IS a long lie to me.
I’m too nosy and interested in what’s going on with everyone else to shut down and sleep the morning away. My brain clicks straight into gear with the day’s to-do list as soon as I’m conscious. My dh is much the same and likes to see the morning too.
I don’t know how much patience I would have with someone who slept till lunchtime. Does seem a waste to me although I can appreciate some people enjoy it.

I agree with you, anything past 10am is a total waste of the day. I haven’t slept past 10 for many years but when I did, I always used to wake up feeling groggy and like I’d wasted my day off work in bed.

I think part of this may be that you both look at time differently, If I was really tired then getting up at 11am wouldn't be a waste of the day to me. Also it sounds like frustration because you can't sleep through the noise so can't enjoy your lie in enough.

I would suggest your husband takes the children out on your lie in day so you get some quiet and can even have breakfast on your own. Then on your day, do the same. You both get to enjoy your lie ins and you don't sit around waiting for him to get up. Or negotiate, two sundays a month he can sleep as late as he wants, other two he has to be up by 10 and set a couple of alarms to sort this.

I agree with ragwort. Whichever your opinion on lie-ins, and both are fine, you both need to be on the same page. If you like lying-in, it isn't a waste, it's a kind of hobby.

I think 10am cutoff is more than reasonable unless someone isn't well.

Otherwise, you're stuck tiptoeing your house and trying to contain little ones' noise etc in their own house/garden so as not to disturb him, can't get much done, and/or are sat around waiting so you can all get on with your day as a family.

YANBU.

8am is a lay-in in this house! Just go to bed earlier surely?

Every weekend you lose half the day... that's not ok.

FWIW, when he gets up with the DC's, he isn't quiet. The kids are screaming, they're all play fighting together less than an hour after getting up, the washing machine is on etc, I just find it impossible to sleep through.

Why don’t you do that, then? You can’t blame him if you make different choices.

I just think sleeping til lunch time is a pisstake when you have young kids. Yes, he's up and out by 6:30, but some weeks I can be up way before him. Doesn't mean I waste half the day in bed at the weekend when we could be out doing things as a family.

I’m confused. I thought this was about the disparity between your lie in and his. Are you saying it’s actually you making a judgement on how long he should want to lie in? I presume he would do this before you had kids?

Presumably if you have a plan to go out, you discuss when you should all be leaving? Or is this some vague “out as a family” just to make a point?