Boyfriend meeting an old flame for dinner.

[Fuminggirlfriend]

My boyfriend has a good female friend, one which he has a sexual past with. The sexual relationship occurred around 7 years ago, and they have remained just friends since.

At the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned that his ex girlfriend had taken issue to him having such a friendly relationship with said girl. They frequently went for dinners, on holidays, on nights out to the theatre etc. He asked how I felt about maintaining this sort of relationship with this female friend.

I was open and honest and told him it made me feel uncomfortable that they would go out for dinners and to gigs and the theatre, given their history. I asked him what he’d think if it was the other way round. He said he wouldn’t be happy with me maintaining this level of friendship with someone I had a sexual past with. So we both agreed that the surface friendship with her we are both happy with, but he would not have the same level of intimacy eg. Dinners etc.

Tonight we all went out for a drink and said female friend was present. She mentioned that a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and her had gone for dinner and drinks after work. Suffice to say I was not happy. When I confronted him afterwards he said he genuinely ‘forgot the conversation’ and ‘didn’t even think about it.’ It’s more the lying and deceit than anything else. If he had an open and frank conversation and expressed how keen he was to continue this level of friendship, we could have tried to reach a scenario that we were happy with. I am incredibly annoyed that we’ve had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship, where he said he appreciated my honesty and agreed he wouldn’t be happy the other way round, yet continued to do it anyway?!

AIBU to think this is absolute bullshit.

Yes op it's absolute bullshit. He didn't forget, he just didn't want to give it up so thought he would continue by going behind you back.

I wouldn’t be happy, and he’d be hearing about it. Very loud and clear.

‘Forgot the conversation’. What shit.

I am absolutely fuming. I believe he just wanted to continue the relationship. If he truly ‘forgot the conversation’, surely you’d mention you’d gone for dinners and drinks! It seems to me he has intentionally hid this, only to be busted by her.

I think you’re right.

You are 100% correct and I'd probably bet she knew he wasn't meant to be there.

How does one forget going for drinks and dinner? Ridiculous.

His excuse is he ‘didn’t think anything of it at the time’ and so didn’t think it relevant to mention.

You will have to make it clear that this is the end of that little cosy relationship or it's the end of yours

I've met people like this. They very conveniently forget anything they would rather not remember. It's just a clever form of gaslighting imo.

My guess is that he was always meeting up with her behind your back. There's no way that this was the first time since your conversation about keeping her at a distance. For me the trust would be broken. It would be over. Can you still trust him op?

I'd ditch him and leave them ti their mindgames tbh

She might not want him but could well be a dog in the manger type

Or they might be still shagging

Either way, he's a liar- don't waste any more time on him

No, sorry, deal-breaker - mainly because Snowfalling is absolutely correct. They've been maintaining their 'relationship' this whole time behind your back.

You can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth about this now.

Over.

I agree his lying is not good and doesn't bode well for the future. How did it come up in conversation with the ex - was it territory marking? Did she know you didn't know?

I've been in a similar situation with an ex BF and a close female friend of his. He didn't actually tell me they had had a sexual past until five months into our relationship,
when he could no longer avoid it. I knew they were genuinely just friends at that point but the lack of honesty from the start became a massive issue for me.

It would be a deal breaker for me. You deserved to be treated with far more respect. He's been lying to you. End this relationship now, otherwise you'll just end up torturing yourself about the lack of honesty and trust and life's too short for that.

Funny how she happened to slip it into the conversation too...

It sounds like he's been doing this all along. The trouble now is that he may well say to this woman that because she told you about it, you gave him hell/you're jealous etc, making you out to be the unreasonable one and giving them ammunition to talk about you/deliberately plan secretive meetings etc behind your back. I would be very upset at this. Bollocks did he 'forget' or not think to mention it. He's hiding something, even if it is an innocent meet-up between friends, as he knows it's out of order. How many girlfriends does he have to lose before he realises he's being a dick?

This whole scenario was mentioned quite soon into our relationship because he said his previous girlfriend had taken issue to it (unsurprisingly)! He wanted my opinion and perspective on it so he wouldn’t upset me or cause a situation in our relationship. I’m just thinking it’s all bollocks at this point, he knew full well that he shouldn’t be meeting her for dinner and drinks, so rather than actually be honest about it he has lied. Now he is trying to bullshit his way out of it. I do not believe for one second that he ‘forgot’ about a conversation that he instigated and that broke him and his ex up! He wants to maintain a relationship with this woman but also play the considerate boyfriend.

The worse part is that until this point he has always been amazing. I honestly could not fault his behaviour. I’ve always thought him to be an honest man. We’ve two holidays booked and paid for, one very soon and another in a few months, which just makes this scenario even worse as I feel backed into a corner.

I don't think it means he has feelings for her, but clearly he does want to continue a proper friendship and wasn't happy with the terms that you'd agreed. He definitely didn't just forget and you are quite right to be upset. It also sounds like he didn't tell this female friend about the arrangement or she wouldn't have let anything slip.

To all those feeling worried about their DH/DP's close friendships with women (and where in the past it had slipped into something sexual but they are friends now): if it is of any help, I am the female friend/former flame with 2 male friends (where they had both had crushes on me) - and my male friends' gfs have nothing to worry about, the friendship is just that, nothing more and absolutely no hint of any further feelings on their side.

I make an effort to see/include my friends' gfs too, to reinforce the fact that they have nothing to worry about, and also bring DH along every so often. My male friends and I do still have dinners, go to the theatre etc. by ourselves, every so often. But everything has remained above board and I see no reason why it will not continue to do so.

I’m afraid I agree with everyone else here.

I’ve just ended a relationship with someone just like this. It never got better. The fact he went for dinner and then lied about it after you’d had an open discussion about it says everything about how things will be with this man. He will therefore always lie and every issue you have with him from now on - even if you feel you’ve had a healthy honest communication about it - he will do what he wants anyway.

Zero respect for you and your feelings. Plus a liar. The man is selfish and will not change.

Not sure what to suggest regarding the holidays tbh, that’s very unfortunate. Can you get refunds?

I'm guessing that when he first brought it up, he thought you'd attempt to be "cool" with it, to prove you were "different" to his ex. But you didn't - well done you by the way!

As a result, he's resorted to secrecy, because he never actually intended on giving up their relationship, he just wanted to put you in a position where you'd said you were fine with it, so that he couldn't face any recrimination.

Dump him.

Unfortunately there is no way to get refunds for the holidays, we are out of the permitted refund area. Depending on where I go next I might just have to write that money off.

He is still maintaining that he didn’t even ‘think about it, or realise at the time.’ Yet when I mentioned it to him, he knew straight away what he’d done wrong. It doesn’t add up at all. He also told me it was a spur of the moment decision, which I also know to be untrue. I don’t believe he is being honest with me, it seems like lies upon lies. At worst he is a liar, at best he is someone who has no regard for my feelings and is very inconsiderate and dismissive.

Hi OP

The going behind your back, against what youd agreed, is shit. But it's the way hes handled it that I'd find very hard to get past. If he held up his hands and admitted he wanted to see her but didn't want an argument with you so hid it, then theres a basis to discuss further and possibly solve it. If he had forgotten you'd had that conversation then it wouldn't have been a secret. In sorry OP but the failure to own his shitty behaviour would be it for me

Could you have a holiday each and take a friend

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Liars will always lie.

Wish I’d heeded my own advice and not wasted 2.5 years on such a liar. Life will constantly be on shifting sands with someone who lies. They even will lie to themselves to justify bad behaviour. It’s no foundation for a healthy relationship, it’s impossible.

I’m not sure what I’ll do on the holiday front to be honest. I’m very conflicted on what I even want to do at this point.

He’s since said he acted selfishly by not thinking about or considering my feelings when he went for the dinner and drinks. It’s a little more complex than my first post, but in short he’s been through some difficult times, and I think he’s often used this woman as a crutch for when those hard times crop up again. It’s no excuse for the lying or shit behaviour, and I’ve made it clear that I won’t have my feelings disrespected in place of his.

Up until this point our relationship has been wonderful and I couldn’t fault it. This is the first red flag as such. Having said that, I’ve had my fill of liars in the past. This situation has left me feeling very uneasy, and I’m not sure I can chalk it up to just ‘selfish behaviour, an impulsive lack of consideration in the moment.’ My gut instinct is that there is more to the ex story as well. That she expressed similar feelings about this relationship and was equally ignored and disregarded.

Her being his emotional crutch and ex sexual partner makes it even worse. As his partner he should be coming to you not going to another women to get comfort and confide in.

My gut instinct is that there is more to the ex story as well. That she expressed similar feelings about this relationship and was equally ignored and disregarded.

I would very much trust your gut instinct here too. If it was just 'emotional support' he surely would have come to you and mentioned her. After all, no need to hide seeing someone who is purely a friend and a shoulder to cry on is there?

With regards to holidays, if you do split up, could you each 'keep' a holiday so you take one, he takes one and you can change the name on the booking to take a friend?