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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend meeting an old flame for dinner.

85 replies

Fuminggirlfriend · 02/06/2019 01:01

My boyfriend has a good female friend, one which he has a sexual past with. The sexual relationship occurred around 7 years ago, and they have remained just friends since.

At the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned that his ex girlfriend had taken issue to him having such a friendly relationship with said girl. They frequently went for dinners, on holidays, on nights out to the theatre etc. He asked how I felt about maintaining this sort of relationship with this female friend.

I was open and honest and told him it made me feel uncomfortable that they would go out for dinners and to gigs and the theatre, given their history. I asked him what he’d think if it was the other way round. He said he wouldn’t be happy with me maintaining this level of friendship with someone I had a sexual past with. So we both agreed that the surface friendship with her we are both happy with, but he would not have the same level of intimacy eg. Dinners etc.

Tonight we all went out for a drink and said female friend was present. She mentioned that a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and her had gone for dinner and drinks after work. Suffice to say I was not happy. When I confronted him afterwards he said he genuinely ‘forgot the conversation’ and ‘didn’t even think about it.’ It’s more the lying and deceit than anything else. If he had an open and frank conversation and expressed how keen he was to continue this level of friendship, we could have tried to reach a scenario that we were happy with. I am incredibly annoyed that we’ve had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship, where he said he appreciated my honesty and agreed he wouldn’t be happy the other way round, yet continued to do it anyway?!

AIBU to think this is absolute bullshit.

OP posts:
QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/06/2019 15:01

He completely disrespected you and lied.
He obviously didn't forget about the conversation.
I'd ditch him.

poopypants · 03/06/2019 15:09

Oh ffs, people on MN seem to advocate breaking up for anything. Sheesh. It's a wonder they ever have any lasting relationships at all. Smiled a a girl...dump his arse....bought someone a drink at a work function....end it all now..... this bloke may or may not have met up with his friend before but there is nothing to suggest anything untoward happened. So, he told a white lie. Man, I'd like to see some of you saints in person. The most damning and judgemental are always the worst behaved.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 03/06/2019 15:22

If it was innocent then he would have been honest about it, surely?

poopypants · 03/06/2019 15:30

Not necessarily Queen. Often people just know something will piss off their partner but they know there is nothing to it so they just 'forget' to mention it. It's like someone having a cheeky fag or eating meat when they are trying to be vegan for their partner. Not a massive indiscretion and not wanting a massive row about nothing. Just because you love your partner doesn't mean you agree with everything they want.

TheCatDidSay · 03/06/2019 15:31

It’s disrespectful though after coming to an agreement to go back on it. I hate this whole white lie because I knew you would be mad bushit. Yeah because lying and betraying makes it any better. It’s a cop out excuse and meeting your old sex partner behind your current partners back is completely different to sneaking a fag or burger.

Original poster
Fuminggirlfriend · 03/06/2019 15:32

I highly doubt anything untoward has gone on. They’ve had sexual history, but I genuinely believe that it is history. I know he doesn’t have feelings for her in anyway further than friendship.

The issue for me isn’t suspecting something may have gone on. The issue is that we had what I thought was an open and honest discussion about how we felt. I explained I was uncomfortable with the dinners/drinks/nights out aspect of their relationship. He agreed that he wouldn’t do it, that he respected how I felt, and that he himself wouldn’t be happy if roles were reversed. Rather than keeping to his word and respecting my feelings, he has gone and done what he wants to do regardless.

I think he sees her as a platonic friend - he mentioned during the conversation he sees her as one of the guys - and doesn’t understand why I am uneasy about the aforementioned situation. But rather than explaining that to me, he’s instead agreed not to see her in the capacity described, then done it anyway. It’s the going against his word, disregarding our conversation and lying that concerns me.

OP posts:
Miniloso · 03/06/2019 16:28

Well in which case, why not invite you to meet her and have dinner with them?

Utterly disrespectful and breaking trust given the conversation you had had.

Pinkvoid · 03/06/2019 16:44

He agreed not to do something because he knows it would hurt you but then went ahead and did it behind your back anyway. He lied about it too and you only found out through her. Disrespectful.

LTB.

Dyrne · 03/06/2019 16:59

Agree the problem here is the lying.

I am still good friends with an ex of mine from over a decade ago, in fact in our circle of friends there tends to be a lot of overlapping sexual history so we wouldn’t have many friends at all if we applied OP’s policy

If DP ever tried to tell me I could no longer see my friend I simply wouldn’t agree to it; I would have calmly explained my position, and then it would be down to DP to decide if he could cope with it or not.

We meet up, chat, stay over each other’s houses. All completely above board and most of the time we’ll even have our respective partners coming along.

The problem here is the secrecy - if the OP’s boyfriend had a problem he should have been honest and upfront with the OP from the start.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2019 17:08

He is still maintaining that he didn’t even ‘think about it, or realise at the time.’ Yet when I mentioned it to him, he knew straight away what he’d done wrong. It doesn’t add up at all.

It adds up perfectly! He's a liar :)

He thought you wouldn't find out. Simple as.

It's a bummer but yes the sensible thing to do is dump - he's a liar, do not stay in a relationship with a liar. It's always a crap decision.

It doesn't matter what his real feelings are towards this girl or what the motivation was, by the way. Really doesn't matter. The crux is that you now know that his solution to an issue is to lie to you. So, for this, read: money issues, infidelity, job problems, anything.

Have sense and move on pronto.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2019 17:09

... oh and the disrespect. Don't forget that. He has no respect for you. Tell her what she wants to hear, pat on the head, blah blah.

Yuk.

Vilanelle · 03/06/2019 17:11

Thing is though, if you trust him that he does not have feelings for her then why was this friendship not allowed?

You either trust him or not, whether it be texting or meeting for meals and drinks.

That aside, I would be pissed off that he lied, why ask you how you felt about it if he was going to go behind your back anyway.

How did he react when she mentioned it?

Miniloso · 03/06/2019 18:02

I think given that he’s now lied, he has now no option but to not see the exGF at all unless in group social situations with you.

The lying, I’m not sure how you get past that, however.

Original poster
Fuminggirlfriend · 03/06/2019 18:10

I trusted him before this incident, whole-heartedly. We had what I thought was an open dialogue about all sorts of issues. Previous to this partner I have never met someone who I have been able to be so open and honest with. I genuinely believed we were on the same page and a partnership, which is what makes this so horrible. I never would have expected him to go against his word, he has seemed very sincere from the beginning.

The issue for me isn't really one of trust, it's of appropriateness. In my opinion, it isn't appropriate to still maintain that level of friendship and intimacy with an ex-sexual partner, when you are in a relationship. It can create tension, awkwardness and uncomfortableness in my experience.

He didn't hear her mention it. It was only when I confronted him about it after the dinner that he found out that she had spilled the beans. The sensible thing is to dump. I've been through the mill with liars in the past, they never change despite what they might promise. I am annoyed with myself that I am in a position of being emotionally and financially tied to someone that has turned out to be untrustworthy, yet again!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 03/06/2019 18:38

Yeah, I agree that the dinner is something that it is possible to get past in a relationship, but the lying and the continued lying are something else. I would have trouble with that.

Miniloso · 03/06/2019 18:42

So sorry OP 💐. Go with your instinct.

Sigh81 · 03/06/2019 18:54

How long have you been with him for, OP? I ask because if they have been good friends for 7 years and he had leant on her in the past/confided in her etc. and you haven't been together long/he isn't in love with you etc. then I would be wary of any ultimatums - in case this is an option under consideration.

This is an entirely separate issue from the lying, of course, which is absolutely not on. He should have stood his ground about the friendship in your conversation if he wanted to continue it!

FionasWineShow · 03/06/2019 19:00

he mentioned during the conversation he sees her as one of the guys - and doesn’t understand why I am uneasy about the aforementioned situation.

But hang on, I thought he himself brought the situation up when you first got together due to his ex, and admitted tbat he'd be uncomfortable if you were off carrying on like this with an ex...?

He understand perfectly well, which is why he lied by omission about meeting her.

It's one role for him, and another for you, and he'll lie about it if he needs to.

And this women being an emotional crutch makes it worse, not better.

FionasWineShow · 03/06/2019 19:01

*one rule for him

Figure8 · 03/06/2019 19:11

It's like someone having a cheeky fag or eating meat when they are trying to be vegan for their partner

Hmmm

I'm not sure it is. But taking your example- if someone lied about smoking, or lied about being a vegan, wouldn't you shake your head and wonder what the hell they were up to? Why lie?

They BOTH had a conversation about this friend, and seemed to be in agreement.
It's the lying!

Crapplepie · 03/06/2019 19:18

I've maintained friendships with exes, and not been fussed when partners have done the same in the past, so I do believe it can be done.
Even I'm saying LTB. He lied. He didn't forget, he just didn't tell you. That's disrespectful. Sorry Flowers

Sigh81 · 03/06/2019 19:21

Fiona is absolutely right to point out the double standards (in addition to the lying). Either he doesn't see the issue for either of you retaining friendships with former sexual partners (this is my personal view and that of DH) or he agrees it is an issue for both of you. He can't have it both ways!

Been discussing this with DH - in the early days of our relationship I would probably have dumped him had he asked me to give up my very closest, long-standing male/ex-sexual partner friendships. And found someone who was happy with it (I should point out that I do not believe in "The One").

Good friends, who are there through thick and thin and have outlasted many of my relationships, are hard to find.

Original poster
Fuminggirlfriend · 03/06/2019 19:47

We've been together a year, so not a long time in the grand scheme of things.

If this friendship was so important to him, he should've said that during our initial conversation. He was the one who first brought up that he'd had issues with his ex surrounding this particular friendship. Asked my opinion on it. Said he was pleased I'd been honest and he'd respect my point of view and no longer meet her for dinners/drinks/etc. If he wanted to maintain that level of friendship; be honest. Then we could've ended this 11 months ago and both found someone more compatible.

OP posts:
ConkerGame · 03/06/2019 19:54

Sorry OP, this sucks Flowers

OKBobble · 04/06/2019 06:12

I would be actually more upset that he sees her as his emotional crutch still when he has a gf for over a year.

I am.not convinced he is over her. She probably likes that she can still pull his strings and he is just waiting for the go ahead from her.

I think I would let him go because I wouldn't want to play second fiddle.

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