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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend meeting an old flame for dinner.

85 replies

Fuminggirlfriend · 02/06/2019 01:01

My boyfriend has a good female friend, one which he has a sexual past with. The sexual relationship occurred around 7 years ago, and they have remained just friends since.

At the beginning of our relationship, he mentioned that his ex girlfriend had taken issue to him having such a friendly relationship with said girl. They frequently went for dinners, on holidays, on nights out to the theatre etc. He asked how I felt about maintaining this sort of relationship with this female friend.

I was open and honest and told him it made me feel uncomfortable that they would go out for dinners and to gigs and the theatre, given their history. I asked him what he’d think if it was the other way round. He said he wouldn’t be happy with me maintaining this level of friendship with someone I had a sexual past with. So we both agreed that the surface friendship with her we are both happy with, but he would not have the same level of intimacy eg. Dinners etc.

Tonight we all went out for a drink and said female friend was present. She mentioned that a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and her had gone for dinner and drinks after work. Suffice to say I was not happy. When I confronted him afterwards he said he genuinely ‘forgot the conversation’ and ‘didn’t even think about it.’ It’s more the lying and deceit than anything else. If he had an open and frank conversation and expressed how keen he was to continue this level of friendship, we could have tried to reach a scenario that we were happy with. I am incredibly annoyed that we’ve had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship, where he said he appreciated my honesty and agreed he wouldn’t be happy the other way round, yet continued to do it anyway?!

AIBU to think this is absolute bullshit.

OP posts:

desparate4sleep · 04/06/2019 07:26

My partner is friends with a girl that he had a ONS with and we had a similar conversation at the start. She is still in his life and I have met her a few times. I am not in the slightest but jealous but he would never meet her for dinner alone as it's totally inappropriate and if he did it and then lied about it I would be furious.

It's the lying that's the worst part. I'm not one to say LTB often but it has only been a year and he is doing this? I would end things as I couldn't trust him again and he is still holding a torch for this other woman.

Sigh81 · 04/06/2019 07:36

Ooof. A year - that's a long time. What a coward: if he wanted to keep the friendship, he should have bloody told you and not snuck around about it. And as you say, you could have then had the conversation about finding more appropriate people who are on the same wavelength about this!

Liars are bad. Weak cowardly people are also pretty bad. Am so sorry, OP.

Littlepond · 04/06/2019 07:41

He was always intending to maintain his relationship with this woman. He spoke to you hoping for permission. When he didn’t get it, he carried on in secret.
Being friends with an ex wouldn’t bother me. Lying would. I have close friends who I have a “sexual past” with and it means nothing. So does DH. But we are open and honest and I would never lie to DH about where I was going or who I was seeing.
I’d be gutted if DH made me chose between him and one of my close friends.
But the lying makes it suspicious, OP.

livin · 04/06/2019 07:44

Absolute bullshit. It would be an ultimatum for me. Her or me. That might sound harsh and childish but the outright lies would make me not want to continue if he's so interested in another woman.

Loveislandaddict · 04/06/2019 07:44

Many men have good platonic female friends, and all men (and women) have history.

For me, the lying would be the deal breaker. If it had been a spur of the moment meal, then fair enough, although he could have mentioned it afterwards.

Dies he meet ex alone, or are you included in the friendship. I think I would be more suspicious if you were excluded.

LolaSmiles · 04/06/2019 07:53

I agree with other posters who say the friendship is important and he has no plans to give it up (which is his right), but he should have been up front about this when you spoke. He should have said he's not willing to stop a friendship for a new girlfriend and then it was in your court to decide how to proceed.

The lying is the issue, not the friendship.

That said, I wouldn't be issuing any ultimatum that you're not 100% going to go through with. It's too easy to say 'pick between us or I leave' without really thinking about the impact or actions.

Original poster

Fuminggirlfriend · 04/06/2019 07:59

I’ve been checking back and forth on this thread the last couple of days. I’ve asked him for a break whilst I think about all of this.

It definitely wasn’t spur of the moment. It was a deliberate arrangement that was discussed over several days. He is still claiming he ‘didn’t think about our conversation’ and acted selfishly as he was going through a hard time. Whatever, not an excuse at all. What will it be the next time he’s going through a hard time?

I have been included in the friendship in a group scenario, like the other night where about 10 of us all went out for a group meal. It’s the secrecy of this 1-1 friendship after we’d discussed it (and on multiple occasions I’ll add) that has infuriated me.

OP posts:

Cloverisover · 04/06/2019 08:02

I think you were unreasonable in asking him to ditch a genuine supportive friendship of 7 yrs standing at the beginning of your relationship, when you accept there's no lingering attraction. He was stupid to agree to it. You've only been together a year - if I were him I'd be feeling really backed into a corner right now.
He should have been honest at the start about what the friendship meant to him and he shouldn't have lied about continuing it, that goes without saying. He needs a bit more backbone. The deceit would change my opinion of him, probably irrevocably.

Original poster

Fuminggirlfriend · 04/06/2019 08:03

I’ve never said he needs to stop a friendship, I don’t believe in telling people what they should or shouldn’t do. That’s for them to decide. I’ve not had any qualms about him inviting her to group events, texting her etc.

The only thing we’ve discussed is feeling uncomfortable with them going for dinners, drinks, ‘dates’ like the theatre, alone. That is where my line in drawn. Sadly I thought we were on the same page, which we are obviously not as he’d rather sneak about and do it anyway.

OP posts:

Cloverisover · 04/06/2019 08:16

Sorry if I misunderstood. I thought you didn't want them spending any time alone altogether at all. It would obviously be impossible to maintain a supportive friendship if they weren't allowed to ever have a private conversation. But if that's where your line is, then fair enough.

Miniloso · 04/06/2019 08:26

My exBF (who was an appalling liar) used to use the same excuses... was going through a hard time, or that ‘my’ attitude had driven him to lie etc.

No. Just no. You are correct in thinking that whenever he now ‘is going through a hard time’ he will think it’s ok to disrespect you. Next time he may even make up a reason why you created that ‘hard time’.

It’s a multi layered lose/lose situation for you. You have been fair, understanding and open. You’ve not asked him to ditch the friendship, you’ve been emotionally healthy and gave him your trust.

He obviously values the relationship with her more than the one he has with you. You are worth so much more than that.

I do feel keenly for you, definitely take a break - plenty of men out there who’s actions match their words.

FionasWineShow · 04/06/2019 08:32

I think you were unreasonable in asking him to ditch a genuine supportive friendship of 7 yrs standing at the beginning of your relationship

The OP didn't ask him to do that.

He brought it up - he raised it, and then when she said she wasn't comfortable, he said fair enough, neither would I be, I won't do it.

How has the OP been unreasonable? She's been asked for her line in the same, and she's drawn it, like anyone who knows their own worth.

FionasWineShow · 04/06/2019 08:32

*sand

RompeCabezas · 04/06/2019 08:35

Whether dinner or coffee he knew you wouldnt like it but he thought hey ill just LIE.

Yanbu to be angry.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/06/2019 09:17

In three years, I've never gone out with anyone (planned in advance or not) and not mentioned it to DP. We talk! I'd have to make a concerted effort to not disclose where I'd been, what I'd been doing, who I'd seen.

The break seems a sensible decision, OP

HiJenny35 · 04/06/2019 09:23

Oh my she's loving this, you know that. It's a power game to her. She doesn't want him but the attention of someone running to her for support. She 'accidentally' dropped it into conversation, soooo planned and managed to also see off the last girlfriend. I imagine she's in his ear with the whole 'why is she being so unreasonable' 'we are just friends' 'why can't she see that' 'she's trying to stop you having friends' been there! It won't get better, actually she will get more possessive when she feels like she's loosing him. There will be more lies. As for the holiday you have two booked, that's one each, maybe he will take her. This isn't a relationship you can stay in, he will never let her go, you will always feel like second fiddle. It's not about a sexual relationship, they are in a relationship, she is his go to support, that should now be your position. It won't change. I tried going along to the meals, third wheel style, it helped for a while, but in the end he still used her for things he should have been talking to me about, for me ending it was the only way forward.

RompeCabezas · 04/06/2019 09:37

OP one last appeal to his dignity if you havent gone off him. I know in the past if i sensed a bf was jeopardising something real with me to chase after just being in the company of a woman who didnt want him, it made me lose all respect for him which is such a turn off.

If it is not too late yet and you are not so turned off by his silly behavior try and communicate that to him.

Only if he engages in the conversation properly though.
If you get more 'oh i forgots" then it is pointless

Storytell · 04/06/2019 09:44

I highly doubt anything untoward has gone on. They’ve had sexual history, but I genuinely believe that it is history. I know he doesn’t have feelings for her in anyway further than friendship.

Then why did you say you felt uncomfortable with him maintaining the friendship when he brought it up in the first place? Absolutely, he shouldn't have lied about seeing her, but as you don't think there is anything at all inappropriate about the relationship, it seems quite ridiculous to me that you are the one who set in place an arbitrary kibosh on a longterm friendship.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/06/2019 09:46

If he had "forgot" that the conversation had ever occurred, he would have told you that he was going for dinner and drinks with her. He did it behind your back intentionally. His friendship with her is obviously more than he is letting on. How many more times has he been out with her since ye got together that you don't know about?

My ex-best friend was male, and when his new GF gave him this ultimatum about me we walked away from each other and I have never seen him since. It is sad, I still miss him, there had never been any sexual chemistry but he respected his GF enough to cut contact with me. No more dinners, movies, coffee dates etc.

Try sell off the holidays if you want to end things with him, or bring a friend.

Vegena · 04/06/2019 10:14

I lost a male best friend this way too. Very sad but new gf forbid any contact.

If he had his problems in the past maybe he didn't have any male friends he felt he could be open and honest with?

Problems drinking related?

Vegena · 04/06/2019 10:26

I also agree with @Cloverisover

Ginger1982 · 04/06/2019 10:34

@Storytell maybe she doesn't trust the female friend.

RestingBitchFaced · 04/06/2019 10:37

The problem now is that he is 'still' lying, by claiming he forgot. Tell him unless he comes clean about everything it's over (then dump him anyway)

Storytell · 04/06/2019 11:01

I would have very little respect for someone who binned a longterm close friendship because his new girlfriend was insecure or had weird ideas about opposite-sex friendships. Fortunately neither my DH nor my male best friend's wife hail from the 1850s and imagine my friend and I are ripping one another's clothes off in Caffe Nero.

RiversDisguise · 04/06/2019 11:16

But it's part of adult life to drift away fron friendships IME. It's ages and stages. I had a lot of male friends at uni when I was happily single. Now? Not really.. a bit of FB banter. I'm too busy for more.

If he is loved up, settles down, does up a house, starts a family, there is limited time for him to spend on socialising and he might well prefer a bit of masculine company... the way I walk don't run to see my girls whenever I escape work & family!

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