Or is SIL a CF?

[Edam4me]

My DH has a complex family of half (3) and step siblings (3) via both parents who never married and were only together a few months. They all live in Australia, he left home at 18 and we live in the UK with our 2 DC.

Mil has just retired and has no money or assets. She lives in a really expensive city (rental prices comparable to London), she's just moved out of her 2 bed rental as she can't afford it now that she's no longer working. The plan was for her to move in with a friend for 6 months then rent a new place with SIL. ( SIL is a single parent, 1 primary school child, who works long shifts). Since SIL moved back to her home town (3/4 years ago) MIL has been covering childcare as SIL works 12 hour shifts, 3 days at a time and nights.

Bottom line is that SIL can't do her job without MIL's help. They have now decided that they can't live together as planned a year ago, as SIL needs to lead her own life and hopefully meet a partner (she was never together with her child's father, and he no longer lives in Oz).

SIL ( who hasn't been in touch with us for years), just asked if we could 'help' out with rent. She has no idea about our financial situation, we've just, as in this year, got ourselves in a decent position with no debt apart from mortgage and some savings. She said that she'd be fine with contributing to her mum's rent (average rent is $400/ week which is just about all of MIL's weekly pension).

DH told his mum that we can help her, but we're not going to waste money on rent. We can use savings to fund a deposit for a mortgage, but given the prices we can't afford the city. This leaves SIL without childcare and unable to do her job. It turns out that she has given the MIL $0 for taking care of her child over the last few years...

We've always paid for any help with our DC apart from the odd overnight stay where family stepped in, so I'm wondering how SIL thinks it's okay to effectively ask us to sort her childcare?

So when would this shelling out of money stop once you begin? It all sounds like a recipe for disaster, imo. Your SIL's issues with childcare are her problem. I would stay well out of it.

I don't think she is a CF to ask, especially as you say yourself that she doesn't know your financial position. But equally, it's totally fine for you to say that you aren't in a financial position to help - all the more so as you genuinely aren't. You have a mortgage, so it isn't at all accurate to describe yourselves as debt free.

Also, they don't seem to be asking for some short term help while they sort something else out, but a permanent or semi permanent commitment you aren't in a position to make.

That said, no need to be critical of SIL for not paying MIL for childcare. Many, many grandparents provide huge amounts of free childcare for their grandchildren and see that as an integral part of family life and life cycles. I don't imagine SIL is planning to charge her mother for care when MIL is much older and needs more support either. It's swings and round abouts.

I would stay out of it, it's got disaster written all over it. Tell SIL you have no spare money.

Yes just don’t engage. Say ‘I’m sorry we are unable to help you, hope you work something out’ and refuse to discuss further.

Agree about childcare, although it sounds like MIL was doing lots, that’s between them. Most grandparents provide some free childcare (though many don’t).

You need to be very aware that once you start giving them money, the begging for more and more will NEVER end. You will be bankrolling their lives until you reach breaking point. Don't do it.

As much we would love to help, I am sorry to say we haven’t the money to fund mills house.

Mil can move in with sil as planned and the childcare can continue. Sils love life is not your problem op.

I would stay out of it, this is going to end in tears.

How many biological children does she have and are they all (including SIL) planning to contribute?

I agree that this has no end and sets a massive precedent for you bailing out financially.

I really thin you need to say no from the start. There is a very good benefit system in Oz and DM can apply. SiL can look out for herself.

Neither is your DH's responsibility.

I think you need to help fix the long term solution rather than throw money at the short term. Why does she not have a pension? Is she eligible for any other benefits or some sort of social housing?

This is ask versus guess culture.

SIL has asked, she assumes you feel able to say no (ask culture). You feel annoyed at even being asked, because you feel that saying no is difficult (guess culture).

If you aren't happy to pay this money (and there is no right or wrong, many families would think that was acceptable, many families wouldn't) then say no.

How old is MIL? Is sounds like she can’t afford to retire yet.

Shes not a CF for asking. Nothing wrong with deciding they cant live together. Most people probably couldn't with their parents.

Sil could be thinking your CF demanding mil take a mortgage put of the city as you wont contribute to rent. Swinga and roundabouts

It's not cf to ask family for help with childcare that's what families do . But saying that to ask for money is cf .
Just say you can't afford it .
I don't get the mil who has got to retirement with no savings, no pension no assets etc how will she manage for possibly another 30 years ?

Maybe help for a fixed period of time, or it all turn sour, or say no!

If you offer to help for a year, how will that benefit MIL? I don’t understand what she plans to live on for the rest of her life!

There is no way I'd be giving money - neither for rent or a deposit. Just say you can't afford it. It sounds like they could take and take and you'd regret it very quickly. If SILor MIL start to rely on your money - and it sounds like they will - then what happens when you can't afford it? Maybe you want to take a big holiday, invest in your DCs, uni education, period of sickness etc. Have a long thing, not just about now, but the future with them and how badly that could go for you.

There are 4 options here:

Sil pays mil for childcare, so she can afford to pay her rent.

Sil lets her live with her but charges no rent (childcare is payment)

Mil moves out of the expensive city and rents somewhere she can afford. Sil will have to make alternate childcare arrangements.

You give mil money, but then mil will forever need financial help and rely on you more and more for money, all the while resentment will start building up and you all fall out. (FYI: Don't do this!!)

I don’t really understand why you’d be financing his mum even without the sil in the equation. I’m all for helping out family especially when things happen unexpectedly but I would have expected his mum to plan for her own retirement as surely she didn’t imagine she’d live with sil forever?
Anyway either way if sil wants childcare then she will have to have her mum live with her as her childcare is not your problem

There's just SIL and DH who are biological. MIL was planning to retire out of city before SIL moved back there. MIL is 69 and not in great health (part of why she has no assets is because she never expected to reach this age and blew through some cash following a cancer diagnosis about 15 years ago). Right now I'm seeing no upside.

I don’t understand the deposit to fund a mortgage offer. Could you afford to pay a second mortgage? Your mil couldn’t cover this surely?

You mil would not get a mortgage if she is of pensionable age and doesn’t work

As I see it unless your sil can pay a mortgage, your mil wouldn’t be able to so no point in putting down a deposit, unless you are prepared to pay the mortgage. I would just say you can’t help and they need to sort it out

Not cheeky of SIL to ask but fine for you to say no.

Tbh if you want to give her a lump sum just do it with no strings attached - she can use as a deposit or not, she is an adult, she can decide.

This is not your problem to solve, SIL and MIL can solve it themselves.