Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Or is SIL a CF?

73 replies

Edam4me · 01/06/2019 16:29

My DH has a complex family of half (3) and step siblings (3) via both parents who never married and were only together a few months. They all live in Australia, he left home at 18 and we live in the UK with our 2 DC.

Mil has just retired and has no money or assets. She lives in a really expensive city (rental prices comparable to London), she's just moved out of her 2 bed rental as she can't afford it now that she's no longer working. The plan was for her to move in with a friend for 6 months then rent a new place with SIL. ( SIL is a single parent, 1 primary school child, who works long shifts). Since SIL moved back to her home town (3/4 years ago) MIL has been covering childcare as SIL works 12 hour shifts, 3 days at a time and nights.

Bottom line is that SIL can't do her job without MIL's help. They have now decided that they can't live together as planned a year ago, as SIL needs to lead her own life and hopefully meet a partner (she was never together with her child's father, and he no longer lives in Oz).

SIL ( who hasn't been in touch with us for years), just asked if we could 'help' out with rent. She has no idea about our financial situation, we've just, as in this year, got ourselves in a decent position with no debt apart from mortgage and some savings. She said that she'd be fine with contributing to her mum's rent (average rent is $400/ week which is just about all of MIL's weekly pension).

DH told his mum that we can help her, but we're not going to waste money on rent. We can use savings to fund a deposit for a mortgage, but given the prices we can't afford the city. This leaves SIL without childcare and unable to do her job. It turns out that she has given the MIL $0 for taking care of her child over the last few years...

We've always paid for any help with our DC apart from the odd overnight stay where family stepped in, so I'm wondering how SIL thinks it's okay to effectively ask us to sort her childcare?

OP posts:

Daisypie · 02/06/2019 04:46

But you can't take on what could be 25 years of rental payments!

StoppinBy · 02/06/2019 04:55

I am guessing they are in the Sydney area. They need to move if they want to love separately but near each other. The pay rates for jobs in Sydney are pretty similar to other areas but the rent and house prices are almost double that of a lot of other areas.

Sorry but they can't ask you to fund their lifestyle when there are other options that they don't want to look at.

I don't think sister is a CF for asking though... just say no.

echt · 02/06/2019 05:05

Has your MIL been in touch with Centrelink? I'm wondering if there's a problem attached to claiming benefits because of the money she had ( and spent).

I'm going to be harsh and say step away from this. Handling all of this at long distance would be hell, and your DH really shouldn't be committing your joint savings in this way. What if your family has a crisis, or your parents/siblings?

It's telling that the SIL has only just emerged when it suits her book to do so.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/06/2019 06:22

Australia has good rebates for childcare, especially for single mums. I’d keep out of it, she sounds like a CF

Original poster

Edam4me · 02/06/2019 10:28

But it is unfair to criticize her on the childcare, this is quite normal, she is a single mum and the mother retired and presumably is quite happy to spend time with her grandchildren.

The MIL has been doing this for a few years, and has only just retired in the last couple of months. Given SIL's job she's effectively a co-parent as when SIL is on 3 nights, she's obviously sleeping during the day. Also SIL has said that MIL needs room for her son too at her next rental.

TBH I think that the MIL might be happy to use this change in circumstances as an excuse to not be so hands-on. She's 69 and not in great health.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 10:43

*Also SIL has said that MIL needs room for her son too at her next rental.

Nice of SIL to make such demands!

CannoninD · 02/06/2019 11:17

OP I would either stay out of it, or maybe call their bluff and offer for MIL to come stay with you for a while in the UK.

The issue with buying a property and expecting MIL to pay the mortgage is what happens when she passes away? You’ll view the property as yours on the basis that you paid the deposit/took the mortgage but SIL will no doubt feel entitled to some of the proceeds as her mother paid the mortgage for years. MESSY!

Bottom line, your SIL is profiting from not having to pay for childcare.
PP saying ‘but this is totally normally single parents need support and MIL probably wants to see her gran kids’ 😡😒
That’s nit relevant if the MIL can’t support herself.

SIL’s dependency on free childcare doesn’t entitle her to it- so it’s rather deplorable for SIL to say, ‘I need you to stay here in the city and care for my kids- but I don’t want to live with you or pay you because...I have to have my own life’

Definite CF!

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/06/2019 11:33

So sil has been benefiting from free childcare but when mil needs to downsize and move somewhere cheaper she is getting a guilt trip.
Mil needs to do what is best for her and her only and if this is a one bedroom apartment out of the city then so be it. Demanding she has an extra bedroom for her grandson but without financial contribution is unreasonable. Dictating the location be close to sil is unreasonable. Expecting you to facilitate her childcare arrangements is unreasonable. Your dh not speaking to you about it before telling his mother he would assist, is unreasonable. Let him help with a deposit on her new, one bed, outside the city. Let sil decide whether the drive is reasonable or it is time to either contribute to facilitate or apply for shift change. Your mil has had her kids, now it is time to think about number one. I suspect sil has already asked the other siblings and they have refused.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 11:35

it’s rather deplorable for SIL to say, ‘I need you to stay here in the city and care for my kids- but I don’t want to live with you or pay you because...I have to have my own life’

Absolutely.

Marvinmarvinson · 02/06/2019 11:52

Are you saying that sil is asking if you can contribute to mil's rent? On the basis that she will also be making a contribution to mil's rent?

I don't think that's particularly cheeky. I don't think yabu to say no to such a big financial commitment but I do think you're a bit unfair offering money with strings attached. It feels manipulative, even if that's not your intention. It sounds a bit 'yes we'll give you money but only if you live your lives in a way we approve of'.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 12:18

Are you saying that sil is asking if you can contribute to mil's rent? On the basis that she will also be making a contribution to mil's rent?

But the SIL seems to be saying that the MIL must have a house in an expensive city, not too far from her (so MIL can continue providing childcare) and the house must have a spare bedroom for her child.

Now that’s all proving a bit costly, she wants someone else to pay for it!

Figgygal · 02/06/2019 12:22

She sounds completely entitled and selfish

So she's come back on an arrangement for them to live together because she needs to meet a man despite the fact that she's unable to live the lifestyle that she does due to the free help she receives from her mother

Absolutely unbelievable

FrogFairy · 02/06/2019 12:23

If you agree to this financial support it will continue for many years.

What if your own family is hit with ill health or redundancy. What about your own retirement plans?

Not ideal at her age but maybe she will have to rent a bedsit or room in a shared house. Your SIL should feel ashamed taking free childcare when her mum is struggling for money.

user1471590586 · 02/06/2019 12:27

Perhaps your MIL will like having to move to a cheaper area away from SIL so she doesn't have to provide childcare anymore. I think your SIL is being cheeky. What will your SIL do for childcare if your MIL dies? I agree with others, this isn't for the benefit of the MIL, it's all to help the SIL.

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2019 12:28

Don’t get tied up in this.

The most I’d do in this circumstance is to offer a one-off cash gift as a lump sum directly to your MIL, and a discussion with her (not SIL) about how you’re sorry but you cannot do more.

Then leave them to it.

Marvinmarvinson · 02/06/2019 13:18

Is sil saying that mil MUST live in an expensive city? I can't see anything in the op's posts that indicate that. Mil must be very close to sil and her grandchild after being so heavily involved in their lives. Maybe she wants to stay reasonably close by? Worth the op's dh having a chat with his mum to find out what she actually wants for herself.

fedup21 · 02/06/2019 13:33

Mil has just retired and has no money or assets. She lives in a really expensive city

OP then says the SIL moved back to this home town and works there so needs MIL nearby for childcare.

Maybe MiL and SIL could move to a cheaper area and SIL could change jobs!

Happynow001 · 02/06/2019 15:34

Also SIL has said that MIL needs room for her son too at her next rental.
What on Earth? How does your SIL feel she can demand this from you/your DH?

SavingSpaces2019 · 02/06/2019 16:02

Also SIL has said that MIL needs room for her son too at her next rental
As i predicted.

Tell sil if she pays mil for childminding then mil will be able to afford her own place.
You need to be careful about sil taking the piss because she's trying to play you all to suit herself.

SunniDay · 02/06/2019 16:31

I agree with previous posters. Either SOL needs to live with MIL (not charging her rent due to childcare) or pay MIL for her childcare so MIL can afford rent. Otherwise MIL needs to move out of the city for cheaper rent and SIL pay for childcare elsewhere.

It would be fine MIL giving free childcare but she can't afford to.

I wouldn't want to pay towards someone's rent so they can remain in an expensive area and provide 36hours of free childcare! Asking for an extra room just so MIL can have child at hers not SILs will add even more to the bill.

Just say no way it is not sustainable to live in a city that you cannot afford. MIL is better to relocate before she is very elderly and this is too challenging.

I understand you see a mortgage as a more attractive option as the money is invested but lots could go wrong. What if MIL is lonely out of city and leaves to live with SIL after all or as previous poster has said SIL moves in for her subsidised home?

RomanyQueen1 · 02/06/2019 16:49

No, is a complete sentence and no way would I fund a deposit for a mil, your dh must be mad.

EL8888 · 08/06/2019 15:01

Have you have the opportunity to speak to your DH about this? Good luck with it all

HollowTalk · 08/06/2019 15:07

You'd have to be crazy to give them anything. Your MIL blew her own money and now wants yours. Your SIL is really cheeky to ask you for money.

Your husband would be crazy to buy somewhere - you know your SIL will move in and will be impossible to shift when your MIL dies. She will say she's contributed towards the mortgage and at this distance you'll never be able to resolve it.

The most I would give your MIL is a deposit on a rental in an affordable area, where she can pay her rent herself. Not a penny more.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread