Or is SIL a CF?

[Edam4me]

My DH has a complex family of half (3) and step siblings (3) via both parents who never married and were only together a few months. They all live in Australia, he left home at 18 and we live in the UK with our 2 DC.

Mil has just retired and has no money or assets. She lives in a really expensive city (rental prices comparable to London), she's just moved out of her 2 bed rental as she can't afford it now that she's no longer working. The plan was for her to move in with a friend for 6 months then rent a new place with SIL. ( SIL is a single parent, 1 primary school child, who works long shifts). Since SIL moved back to her home town (3/4 years ago) MIL has been covering childcare as SIL works 12 hour shifts, 3 days at a time and nights.

Bottom line is that SIL can't do her job without MIL's help. They have now decided that they can't live together as planned a year ago, as SIL needs to lead her own life and hopefully meet a partner (she was never together with her child's father, and he no longer lives in Oz).

SIL ( who hasn't been in touch with us for years), just asked if we could 'help' out with rent. She has no idea about our financial situation, we've just, as in this year, got ourselves in a decent position with no debt apart from mortgage and some savings. She said that she'd be fine with contributing to her mum's rent (average rent is $400/ week which is just about all of MIL's weekly pension).

DH told his mum that we can help her, but we're not going to waste money on rent. We can use savings to fund a deposit for a mortgage, but given the prices we can't afford the city. This leaves SIL without childcare and unable to do her job. It turns out that she has given the MIL $0 for taking care of her child over the last few years...

We've always paid for any help with our DC apart from the odd overnight stay where family stepped in, so I'm wondering how SIL thinks it's okay to effectively ask us to sort her childcare?

Most people simply can not afford to pay the rent of family members as well as their own indefinitely.

What is MiL’s solution to this-what was she hoping would happen?

Potentially DH could get a mortgage with a chunky deposit (aka our savings) ask his Mum to contribute to monthly payments out of her pension, then sell it down the line. I honestly don't know what she was thinking was going to happen in retirement. Bottom line is they think that we have money and will bail them out.

SIL hasn’t contacted you for years and now she’s asking for rent money. Yes she’s a CF! They need to work it out between themselves.

What I don’t understand is - MIL obviously has enough money (pension?) to share a rented house with SIL as per the original plan. So why can’t she just share a rented house with a different housemate instead? Or get a smaller place by herself?

Bottom line is they think that we have money and will bail them out.

I think you need to make it quite clear that you simply can’t do this or you’ll be doing it forever.

If her pension is £400 a month, how is she going to contribute to you for the mortgage payment out of that, plus pay for
Food
Gas/electricity
Water
Council tax
Phone bill
Tv licence
Insurance
Mobile
TV licence
Transport/travel

Is she entitled to anything other than her pension? Can SIL pay her something for childcare-what’s her income?

Using up YOUR savings to fund their lives is insane and a horrible idea. What if your husband gets injured or sick and can't work? What if he loses his job? You need that money for your OWN security.

So the crux of this I think is that MIL did have a plan, which was either to move in with SIL or move to a less expensive city.

SIL doesn't want her to move in, nor does she want her DM to move away because then she won't benefit from free childcare.

She is not prepared to compromise and is expecting you to find the money to enable MIL to stay in an city beyond her means to provide her free childcare (having had a very limited relationship with you).

In short yes she's being cheeky.

Helping your MIL is one thing. What's being asked though is to enable your SIL because she refuses to trade free childcare for her DM living with her.

In doing so, you're expected to put your financial security at risk by ploughing all your savings into either paying MIL rent (bad idea) or buying her a property.

Frankly I'd be pretty annoyed fundamentally because you are being expected to bail them out of poor decisions and inflexibility - they have no skin in the game here at all and seem to have no intention of doing so.

So the answer - well imho I'd leave them to it, but I appreciate that's possibly very difficult for your DH.

So, your offer of buying a place for MIL to live is very generous.

They then have a choice. MIL moves and SIL finds childcare or they go back to the original plan and move in together (which seems the most sensible, if SIL meets someone the situation can be re-evaluated).

Bottom line is they think that we have money and will bail them out.

And now your DH has made the offer of a mortgaged property they know you have money. This won't end well. You need to say no.

if you buy mil a place, i bet sil suddenly gets over her idea about only wanting to share with a partner...free childcare and reduced/free rent would suit her fine.

The most sensible idea seems to be for MIL to move in with SIL as planned. But it is unfair to criticize her on the childcare, this is quite normal, she is a single mum and the mother retired and presumably is quite happy to spend time with her grandchildren. I know lots of arrangements like this and I don't know anyone who pays for it. And after all she is going to give her some money for rent, so that could be in place of pay for childcare - here I think YABU. As is expecting her to move to a different city - presumably MIL also would like to stay in her home area and be close to her children and grandkids? And I guess as SIL is the one over there she is also the one that helps MIL whenever she needs it?

I don't think it is unreasonable for SIL to ask though it is fine for you to say no too, of course. In short, i don't really think that either of you are being CFs tbh, though I do think you are being a little mean making out this is about you funding their poor life choices, unless there is more to it than you've posted.

In the short-term, it seems strange that MIL can't still (temporarily, at least) live with SIL, if the only concern is that SIL might someday have a partner. It sounds like she's not already in a relationship. What are the chances of her meeting someone and it becoming serious quickly?

I do think SIL is cheeky for asking you to fund an expensive apartment at least partly because it saves her money/is more convenient for her. I wouldn't agree to throw money away on rent-- definitely not in an expensive city. SIL can sort out some other childcare, if she's no longer willing to have MIL move in with her.

"DH could get a mortgage with a chunky deposit (aka our savings)"

Please don't do this. You might need your savings.

"Mil will pay the mortgage repayments"

What if she doesn't? She doesn't sound like the most financially savvy and reliable person...

Could you afford the payments on your own? What if the property needs a lot of work or repair? What if the market crashes and you can't sell it when you need to?

You've worked hard to get in a good financial position, why would you risk it all?

This is a terrible idea. I would invite her to rent a room somewhere near you and see how this works out on her budget. I certainly wouldn't fund anything long term in an expensive city, as rent is high and continues to rise. If your sil wants free childcare then she should consider living with your mil!

Why does she not have a pension? Is she eligible for any other benefits or some sort of social housing?

She'll be eligible for a pension, but it's not a huge amount of money, certainly not enough to cover rent in many areas, especially cities like Sydney. Social housing has a huge waiting list and is almost impossible to get into and she doesn't have any particular reason to be eligible for one. She would be eligible for rent assistance on top of her pension. She'd get about $900 per fortnight in pension, then about $140 per fortnight in rent assistance (or about $90 per fortnight if she shares with SIL).

MIL and SIL need to look for a rental property with separate in law accommodation.
Do not contribute anything

Does sil own her house?

Yeah SIL is a CF. They're all adults and can sort out their own financial arrangements, don't get involved. If someone can't afford to retire then they shouldn't retire, simple as. MIL is not your responsibility to fund and I'd be annoyed with DP for promising help without consulting me.

People need to live to their means, surely MIL needs to move to a cheaper area? Surely SIL should be the one offering financial assistance as she is getting free child care. If her mother wasn't doing it then surely she would be paying a nursery or childminder, along with the child's father. Mixing money and friends / family members is rarely a good idea and you are well within your rights to say no

How will MIL pay mortgage repayments? She can't and won't and if you go down this route they're going to think you're loaded and will cover everything. Don't do it. It's not your job and once you start paying you will never stop.

I can understand that there might be reasons why SIL and MIL are best not under each other's feet 24/7 but it seems to me your MIL retired with a plan in place, it's now up to them to sort an alternative out.

When I was looking for rental accommodation for our Daughter in Queensland there were a number of properties with what we call ''granny flat'' accommodation. This would be perfect for giving each party their own space and privacy, but be there for the kids.

I am concerned though what has happened to your MIL's superannuation? Employer/employee contributions have been law in Australia for a number of years and she should have some sort of a lump sum. If she doesn't, I would be asking questions why not.

Here is a link to explain it better:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superannuation_in_Australia

Your DH would have done better to just say you can't afford it, which is true.

SIL hasn’t contacted you for years and now she’s asking for rent money. Yes she’s a CF!

This is the crux of it. She's got more front than Blackpool to only contact you now that she wants money. The answer would be 'no'.

Are they in Sydney? If so, they need to move. Is SIL a nurse? If so, she could easily get a position in any other city. By choosing to stay where they are, then SIL and MIL are choosing to create their own problem/s and aren't deserving of help. They could buy or rent a house with a granny flat/annex in a cheaper city and that would solve the childcare problem whilst also giving them their own space.

Or better still, move to the bush, cheaper housing

I didn't notice the bit about the sister not being in touch for years. That is nice of her to crawl out of the woodwork and start asking for money!

She'd get about $900 per fortnight in pension

$900 is equivalent to £494. Much better than UK state pension!

You are being asked to subsidize SiL's lifestyle until she meets a fantasy partner who will then presumably be expected to pay for everything. Please don't wreck your own financial security for this. Mil and Sil need to stay with the original plan of living together.
I feel for mil - there is an epidemic in Aus of older women with no savings or superannuation, often because so many of their working years were spent in unpaid caring for others.thete is little to none public housing and the private rental market is brutal. Older women are the fastest growing group of homeless.