AIBU- love at 17- can it last?

[StripeyFisch]

I understand I am obviously not the Mumsnet demographic, but hopefully some of you wiser types can help with something that's been a cause for anxiety for me lately; how to make a relationship last.

I know it depends on both parties, and I will get accused of letting youth cloud my judgement of a what a good boyfriend is, but I can say with absolute certainty that this boy is kind, mature, funny, sensible and supportive, liked by all adults, but without the smarmy I'm-so-charming-act that some have, just authentically good natured. I was in hospital for a few weeks, after we had just been going out a month, and he visited me 3 times, 40 minutes away from home, getting two buses and a train after school to bring me chocolates and watch a film with me, no social media post, no Good Samaritan airs, just genuine kindness and compassion.

Anyway, what has been concerning me is the liminality of such relationships- I feel like everything I read is about a couple cheating on each other, or falling out of love, or having secret addictions or debts- and I would like to ask what tips/advice people on here have for making a relationship last from such a long age (his parents met at 16, and his grandparents at 15 and 16- still together, so I know it is possible). I struggle a little bit with my mental health, and he has been greatly supportive, but I think it would ease my mind to be able to make a conscious effort towards longevity, that way if it is not right, it will not be from a failing on my part, rather that it is just not right.

Sorry for ramble, just anxieties about A-levels, Uni etc. approaching and I want to prevent this relationship from being another thing I discard from recklessness and carelessness!

Many thanks! :)

I met my DH at 18. Started dating at 19 and happily still together 11 years later. It works for some.

My parents met when they were 17 and just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary!

My my OH when I was 13.

25 years on he's still here.

I know a couple who got together in their teens and are now happily married in their early 30s. I also know many many people who did not marry the person they were head over heels in love with at that age. If you are right together it will last but don't try and ignore your changing needs and desires that happen naturally as you grow up. Sometimes people just outgrow each other.

I met my Ex when I was 17, we had 3 children and lasted 28 years, but no cheating we just drifted apart in the end, but 28 years and 3 children, no regrets.

I also have a friend who met her DH at 13 and they are still happily married at the ag of 56 so it can work

I met my now husband at 17, we moved in together at 21, had our daughter at 26, married last year at 28, now expecting our second child, very happy.
Of course it can happen, but no one knows what the future holds, nothing is for definite.

I started dating my DH when I was just turned 18. I’m 50 now and we are still in love.

I met my ExH in sixth form. We were just friends and kept in touch while at different universities. We both got our first ‘grown-up’ jobs in different parts of the country but were still in regular touch. We finally got together when we were 23, long distance relationship for 4 years, moved in together at 27, married at 29. 3 DC and I was completely happy, if rather preoccupied with my DC. One has ASD. Turns out he wasn’t happy, had a mid-life crisis and left when I was 46 for another woman. He’s now happily married to her.

I wouldn’t have predicted that end to our relationship at 25, 35 or even 45! He seemed to change very quickly once he’d met the OW. He was thoughtful, my great friend as well as my partner, a ‘new man’ around the house and good with the kids.

It seems that it just got boring for him and he wanted a bit of excitement and less responsibilities. That he wasn’t going to get with 3 DC especially one with special needs.

So, advice? You can choose the very best partner for you, the best match, the ideal husband. But you can’t stop that from changing. You may grow apart amicably, or less amicably. You may grow closer together and never have a cross word. You may argue and bicker but enjoy the drama. Whatever the outcome, the journey is worth starting at least. Who knows? I wouldn’t change my children for the world.

I met my husband when I was 17 , still together 19 years on , when you know you know

Most relationships don’t last, full stop. I think the main reason why young relationships don’t work out are:

• People change much more from 17-23 than older people would in a 5 year period. At 17 you haven’t necessarily figured out what you want yet (great for you if you have! I just know I hadn’t). Sometimes you realise over time that you want totally different things and drift apart.

People are more likely to break up when there are issues as they think there must be something better ‘out there’. As you get older you learn that nobody is perfect- really nobody - and you’re more likely to work to make a relationship successful.

On the flip side, a lot of people get married around 30 not because they have found ‘the one’ and it’s all clicked into place, but because they want a family and the clock is ticking. Unromantic but true.

So no reason why it won’t work just because you’re young! You both sound mature and that’s the main thing.

I would recommend NOT having the same friends and not sharing hobbies.

Be your own people.

I know lots of people who have stayed in relationships because their lives are so intertwined it will change everything if they split. Divide friendships, make attending hobbies awkward, socialising etc.

I think especially when you get together young, maintaining your own life is very important.

My cousin met his wife when they were both still at school. He died in January and they had been married for about 70 years.

It really depends if yiungrow together or grow apart. You are very different at 17 than at 30. Sometimes those people.are compatible at both ages, sometimes you've grown to be different. Same in friendship. You stay best friends with some people your whole life. Sometimes the friend next door turn into acquintance since you have nothing in common anymore.

Met Dh at sixth form - he was one year ahead and we are still together (aged 46 and 47) with two kids. My advice echoes others: don’t be too wrapped up in yourselves as a couple; go find what makes you happy as an individual as well. I made a promise to my dad that I’d finish my education - wasn’t hard as I always knew what I wanted to do and dh and I studied at different unis etc. Good luck but don’t lose you and keep your friends.

I've been with my soon to be husband since I was 15 and he was 17, we're celebrating our 11 year anniversary in a couple of months and getting married this summer.

I'd say support each others ambitions, never stop the other from doing something that will further themselves, make sure you have fun and dont try to be too serious too soon.

I think it's important to grow with each other and not stunt each others growth as people so that you end up as 25 year olds still acting as 18 year olds.

We went through college, uni and full time jobs together and have been strong throughout.

Don't compromise yourself. Don't plan to go to the same Uni as him when another Uni would be best for you, don't invest too much at this stage.
You only really know someone after living with them for a few years.

Of course it can last. But many more don't.

At 17 someone has very little experience of life. You change a lot between 17 and say 24. Personally I think at that age it's not about 'making it last' but experiencing life to the full and 'seeing whether it lasts'.

Are you both 17? If so, I wouldn’t worry too much about whether it will last or not. It could. Live in the moment and enjoy your lives. Don’t make any long term commitments/decisions.

I agree.

You don't need to know whether this will last or not. Enjoy what you have- there is a lot of future to happen, and a great deal of change in the next few years.

Thank you for all your stories!

I appreciate the focus on "living for the now" and not worrying about these things but is easier said than done!

We have different friend groups and don't speak much at school as we both just get on with our work and see our own friends, it works better that way. Same for hobbies, I am very involved with a particular sport that he doesn't follow, but he supports me nevertheless, which is ideal, and he has his own hobby and accompanying friends who I am acquainted with but by no means close.

I know every couple is different and I am not as completely obsessed with lifelong couple hood as my OP suggests, merely seeking advice on how to savour what is making me so happy currently and any tips people have on navigating the murky waters of the late teen years.

My husband and I met at 18, we're now 45 and still together. But that wasn't some grand plan from the beginning, it's just the way it happened. I would say just take it one day at a time. If you are really good together and he is as great as you think now, it will last. But there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't.

You savour it by not worrying about what if it ends.

I found I changed more between 30 and 35 than my late teens to twenties. I really came into my own then. After I had 2 kids.

You dont know what will happen, what path you will end up on, what will happen that changes you.

Dont waste time worrying about what if it ends. Enjoy it for what it is. If it lasts, it lasts. If it doesnt, you will be sad. But you will have learnt so much from eachother, have great memories and had a lovely few months/years. And you will move on

Surely that's better than having nothing.

OP doesn't sound 17 if I'm being honest

I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 16. We got married when I was 29 (after we both did degrees and qualified professionally). I am now 52. We have 3 children and have been a couple all our adult lives. It is unusual. But we fell in love very quickly, remained so and have been mutually supportive. We are quite different characters. But we always were.

We know each other very well and are very committed to each other and to our children. Our oldest daughter (age 18) is now recovering well from a long, serious, life threatening illness, and I feel that the length of the relationship between DH and me was a strength in us coping, together, with that.

I have been entirely faithful to him since I met him and I believe that he has been to me. We are still attracted to each other - physically and intellectually.

You sound very mature if I may say so.

Best of luck with the A levels (‘cause love alone isn’t enough)!

Of course relationships formed young can last. My best friend and her husband started dating at 18 , lived together from 22, married at 28. Still very happy decades later, neither has ever had another relationship.
School friend and her husband much the same, although they started going out together at 14/15 !
My two other close school friends met their husbands at 19 and 20.
If you get lucky and meet someone lovely who is a good fit, and you both grow along similar lines, and want the same sort of life together , then of course it can last.
Whenever you meet someone, some relationships work long term and some don’t. Impossible to say at the start how things will pan out.
Just enjoy getting to know him and building a relationship over time. At your age don’t fret about the future of it. That can be destructive. It sounds as though you want a guarantee against future disappointments or heartbreak, but no-one can give you that. All us older women can say is yes, yes it may last a lifetime, or it may be a lovely time in your life that eventually comes to a natural close.
It takes a long time to build intimacy, trust, companionship, shared humour. Have fun together. Don’t add more stress where that is counterproductive.
And good luck with your A levels .

Is this post really written by a 17 year old?