Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- love at 17- can it last?

97 replies

StripeyFisch · 01/06/2019 09:25

I understand I am obviously not the Mumsnet demographic, but hopefully some of you wiser types can help with something that's been a cause for anxiety for me lately; how to make a relationship last.

I know it depends on both parties, and I will get accused of letting youth cloud my judgement of a what a good boyfriend is, but I can say with absolute certainty that this boy is kind, mature, funny, sensible and supportive, liked by all adults, but without the smarmy I'm-so-charming-act that some have, just authentically good natured. I was in hospital for a few weeks, after we had just been going out a month, and he visited me 3 times, 40 minutes away from home, getting two buses and a train after school to bring me chocolates and watch a film with me, no social media post, no Good Samaritan airs, just genuine kindness and compassion.

Anyway, what has been concerning me is the liminality of such relationships- I feel like everything I read is about a couple cheating on each other, or falling out of love, or having secret addictions or debts- and I would like to ask what tips/advice people on here have for making a relationship last from such a long age (his parents met at 16, and his grandparents at 15 and 16- still together, so I know it is possible). I struggle a little bit with my mental health, and he has been greatly supportive, but I think it would ease my mind to be able to make a conscious effort towards longevity, that way if it is not right, it will not be from a failing on my part, rather that it is just not right.

Sorry for ramble, just anxieties about A-levels, Uni etc. approaching and I want to prevent this relationship from being another thing I discard from recklessness and carelessness!

Many thanks! :)

OP posts:
Level75 · 01/06/2019 10:23

I've been with my DH 24 years, since I was 17. No tips, it was just luck that we're suited.

MustardScreams · 01/06/2019 10:25

My sister met her dp at 14, they’re still together now at 27/28. Just bought their first home together.

corythatwas · 01/06/2019 10:28

What others have said: some relationships last, some don't, but it always helps to be ready to grow and mature and not focus your whole life around the other person. I met my dh at 19, foreign holiday romance, 10 years before I was able to settle in this country.

But during this time I did my degree and a PhD, I travelled, I had other friends, he developed in his profession, he had friends and interests- that independence makes our marriage more interesting now, 36 years later and it also, I think, made us less likely to break up.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/06/2019 10:28

There is no way of knowing if it will last you just have to take one day at a time and hope years down the line you are still happy.

Love changes overtime and circumstances.

When you have children you will still love each other but you will love your children more and that is how it should be.

princessTiasmum · 01/06/2019 10:28

It all depends on who you marry, i married at 17, but discovered he was very controlling , and cruel.had lots of affairs, and after forgiving him more than once got divorced at 23, after having 3 children in quick succession, [no birth control pill in those days]
My friend also got married at 17, hers lasted longer, but she got divorced at 26 after having an affair with her boss, apparently,
If your boyfriend is like you say, just go with the flow, time will tell if he is the one you want to settle down with,
People can grow apart or make a go of it, depends on the couple,you have to work at it, but it takes two
Another thing i would say,is don;t have children too soon, much easier if you do split
Good luck hope it works for you,it;s give and take really

wigglybeezer · 01/06/2019 10:29

It can last, it has for me and DH
You wont be the same person in 10,20,30 years and neither will he, so as long as you are both open to new experiences and new challenges it need not get dull.
Core personality traits tend to stay the same, kindness will get you through a lot.
Liminality does not tend to stay so intense and passion waxes and wanes, but the echo of that first intensity ripples through your relationship and is a powerful bond.
If you're anything like me ( and I tend to overthink things at times), you may worry about feelings and desire coming and going, I have learned to wait out the lower points and over the years they have got few and far between ( over 50 now), I now realise they were more to do with what was going on in my head or hormones than anything wrong with DH, who is loyal and kind like your boy.

LoafofSellotape · 01/06/2019 10:31

Just take each day as it comes,enjoy your time together and have a nice time. If it lasts then that's fantastic and if it doesn't there will be so some else out there for you Smile

implantsandaDyson · 01/06/2019 10:32

I'm in my mid 40s and met my husband when I was 17. We've been married over 20 years. No tips but we had a year or so of a long distance relationship when I was 19/20 - we had sporadic contact. This was before mobile phones, cheap flights etc Grin. I had a few snogs and a bit more during that time but when I moved back - that was us together. I'm not sure why we suit, we just do - we've both changed hugely in the years. But when I think back to when we first met, I fancied him so much Grin, I don't think we talked much for the first year!

LoafofSellotape · 01/06/2019 10:32

**someone

Ninkaninus · 01/06/2019 10:36

Yes it can last. Not often, but sometimes.

To be honest I don’t think one should go into a relationship worrying about whether or not it will last - as long as that person is good, kind, decent and makes you happy (and you them), then you can love and be loved for as long as it lasts and your life will be enriched for it. Love is never wasted.

Having said that, you really cannot overstate how much people can and likely will change over the period of 10-15 years. Especially women. So unless you both grow and develop broadly on the same level, at some point you end up with quite a wide disparity which really doesn’t work well in a close relationship. However again, even if it doesn’t last forever it isn’t wasted time, it isn’t a ‘failure’, it’s just something good that wasn’t meant to last forever.

noeyedeer · 01/06/2019 10:36

Met DH at 19, bought house at 24, married at 27, been together 20 years this year. 2 kids, life is good.

I wouldn't worry about whether this will last, just take life as it happens. There's no need to rush into marriage etc You may last, you may not. It really boils down to whether you both continue to want the same things from life, whether you continue to work together as a team etc.

Whoops75 · 01/06/2019 10:36

My sister met her husband when they were both 16.They are married 30 yrs and still very happy.

I thought she was mad but then I met my dh when I was 19,I didn’t know he was the one but here we are 25 yrs later!!

If you’re inclined to overthink things you can see problems where there are none. Try to relax and enjoy the time together.

MrsMozartMkII · 01/06/2019 10:37

My sister met her DH when she was just eighteen and he was twenty-one. They've been together for over forty years.

You'll read on here mainly when things go wrong as that's when people look for support, what you don't see are all the relationships that are ticking away okay.

As PPs have said, just enjoy it. If it morphs into many happy years then grand, if it doesn't, well hopefully there were good times and you'll have learnt a lot along the way.

xJune88 · 01/06/2019 10:37

I met my DH at 15, he was 17. He moved in with me and parents at 18 (I was 16) we lived 4 hours apart. 9 years later we are happily married, have a house, a dog and our first baby x

flowery · 01/06/2019 10:37

DH and I got together when I was 17 he was 18. Got married at 22, been married 21 years this year.

redwoodmazza · 01/06/2019 10:38

Live for today and enjoy what you have.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/06/2019 10:38

Enjoy it while it lasts and if you are having sex use contraception. It doesn't, ultimately matter whether it lasts or not: there's more to life than longterm couplehood, but you might as well have some fun rather than worrying your good times to death.

Babyduck3 · 01/06/2019 10:40

Yes it can last, wether it will or not is anyone guess. But instead of worrying, try and enjoy it instead, you both sound like lovely mature people and sound well matched. A first love is a amazing experience, relax and enjoy it!

annie987 · 01/06/2019 10:41

My husband and I started dating at 17. Got engaged 3 weeks later. Still going strong 23 years later!

musicposy · 01/06/2019 10:41

The best way to make it last is just enjoy it for what it is now and have fun. Don't get too bogged down with these kind of worries.

My parents met at 16 and are still together over 60 years later. My DD and a friends' child both started dating at 15. Friends' child is still with said partner at nearly 21 and they are planning moving in together etc. My DD was with her boyfriend for over 4 years but when she went to uni they both changed massively. It was a hard decision for them but they split earlier in the year and both of them know it was the right thing to do.

You don't yet know which you'll be, so don't fret over it. What will be, will be. Have fun and enjoy whatever comes.

Snapandyourgone · 01/06/2019 10:42

I met Dh 17. Married at 20. Divorced at 37.

We grew apart.

But I dont consider the relationship a failure or a disaster or regret it.

I have 2 kids.

All the stories about all the people its lasted for, doesnt matter. Your relationship may last. It may not.

Enjoy it for what it is. If someone can look in a crystal ball and say you will have 2/5/10/15 wonderful years but it will end. Would you walk away now?

Would you rather not have those wonderful years, if you know that it will end?

If you would, maybe you arent ready to take the risk of a relationship.

Enjoy it for what it is now.

Babyduck3 · 01/06/2019 10:42

Also, don't put all your efforts into a relationship, as lovely as it is, remember to focus on yourself too, knuckle down with your Alevels, work on yourself and the future you want, with our without a man. You will appreciate it when you are older, trust me!

Thegoodandbadlife · 01/06/2019 10:43

No one knows whether a relationship will last or not even with Mr Perfect. Best way to make it last is enjoy the fact you’ve found someone who is a rarity these days! Enjoy each moment with them as that’s always important as you never know when could be your last. You sound like you have a very solid foundation which is key to a good relationship as even the best relationships have highs and lows but is easier to deal with if there is a strong foundation. The best bit of advice though is to be happy in yourself and happy to be on your own (not in the single sense but in terms of being happy spending time away from your partner.). I find this is why my relationship has been strong and is currently 3 years long. I love spending time with my partner and swinging him but don’t need to rely on him for all my happiness or spend all my time with him. From someone who hasn’t low self esteem and would always question why someone as perfect would be with me - just enjoy the relationship and stop worrying. Worse case it ends and you’ll end up finding someone better.

Clutterbugsmum · 01/06/2019 10:46

Yes it can last.

My sister and BIL met at nursery and were best friends up to yr5/ Yr6, when BIL went to a different senior school.

He did his A levels at the senior school my sister was at and they back together within weeks so they were 15/16 years old and are just about to celebrate their 23 wedding anniversary.

TeacupDrama · 01/06/2019 10:50

my mother was 16 when she started going out with my Dad though she had known him since she was 12, the married when she was 21 now married 52 years
my sister and her DH meet when 19 at uni they are still together 28 years later married for 23 years I think

for things to last you need to be good friends have a similar outlook on life and very similar values, if someone wants to travel for 10 years and someone else wants to settle and buy a house as soon as possible it won't work, can you actually spend time together doing the boring stuff shopping, housework, organising money as well as holidays dining out cinema etc
if they do something that irritates you now it will be very annoying later so you need to deal with it, either it is resolved or its a deal breaker
same hobbies same taste in music not really relevant