AIBU - feel like niece from abroad is neglecting family

[Busylizzie65]

Long post, sorry.
My 20-year-old niece is over from US for a few months. She stayed with us (on our sofa) for a couple of weeks and then moved into lodgings a half-hour bus ride away. I told her she's welcome back any time, for dinner or to stay the night. So far so good. She said she was very keen to keep in touch and particularly excited that she'd be able to spend time with my mother/her grandmother who has been extremely unwell. While she was staying with us, I invited her to a club I run. Since she moved out about 6 weeks ago, she's still been coming to my club but doesn't engage with me during the evening, just sits with other people she's got to know and basically ignores me. Now this club is literally minutes from my mother's and she gets there at least an hour early every week but doesn't ever pop in to see my mother, and doesn't ring her either. My mother asks me how my niece is, and knows she goes to the club, and is a little hurt by the fact that she doesn't keep in touch with her. I found out recently, via two different people, that my niece has moved lodgings although because she never contacts me I wasnt aware of the fact. This week my sister (niece's mum) asked me for her address (niece doesn't talk to her mum much either, it seems) and I had to admit I didn't know it. I've been upset by the fact that my niece doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, my family or my mother/her grandmother ( she's had basically no contact since she moved out other than at my club and we dont talk there anyway) and this week I called her out on it. Unfortunately she didn't come to the club this week (I found out from a third party that she was moving again) and so instead of a face to face conversation I sent her a message instead which was a terrible idea. She's now furious with me, saying I shouldn't be telling her what to do (true, probably), she's really family orientated (I see no evidence of that), I've been really unfair, etc. etc. I'm now torn between being convinced I was right to say something (mainly because I wanted her to see my mother who is very old, in poor health and virtually housebound), and knowing I've handled the situation badly. What on earth do I do now?

Well what can you do? She's an adult and she's not obligated to spend time with family. I understand it might seem hurtful but it's her choice and unfortunately you just have to respect it.

What you do is keep your nose out of how another adult spends her time

At 20 some people are still immature and seeing your unwell, elderly Mother might be disturbing/upsetting to her. I know I was that way at a similar age.

I hate to say it but she is right. It's none of your business how another person spends their time, nobody is obligated to see their family.

At her age people do sometimes become very self-centred and wrapped up in their own little world. Unfortunately there is little / nothing you can do about this. Nothing you say will make her want to do anything different .

Op, she’s 20, she’s travelling abroad, she will inevitably find her own friends and her own interests.
As op have said, she’s an adult and can do as she pleases.
She’s a long way from home so I can understand you might want to check she’s ok, maybe a text once a week inviting her to supper. As long as she replies (to say no thanks ), you’ll know she’s alive.
Just let her know she’s always welcome for a meal, then leave her to it.

Why is she over here? Presumably not simply it to visit family?
You overstepped the mark. You need to get back to her very soon and apologise sincerely for being unreasonable. Maybe you could explain that you're worried about your mum at the moment and that made you overreact.

Omg. She's 20! Are you being serious? Of course she's more interested in meeting people her own age and having fun than spending time with aunts and grandparents. I'd have been exactly the same at 20. In fact I'd probably be the same now. It's so easy when you're in a new place to meet people and get lots of fun invites and want to go and make the most of your trip. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about her family, it means she's 20, on vacation, and enjoying herself. Also I'd probably not think to update my family every time I moved to a new temporary lodging unless I was inviting them to visit? Why should she?

She sounds selfish but I doubt you have helped the situation.

Obviously you're disappointed as you had different expectations of what the trip would entail than your niece. You've been a little naive here and should adjust your expectations to something more realistic. Your niece is 20, abroad and having fun like every other 20 year old would be doing in her position. There's a big age difference between you/gran and niece and since she's grown up abroad you don't have a huge shared history so its probably a bit awkward for her to spend extended periods of time with you. Have you tried suggesting interesting outings with her? I'm not sure I'd be chomping at the bit to visit my aunts/grandparents if it was to sit around at their house having an awkward cup of tea. She's under no obligation to tell you, her mother or anyone where she's staying or what she's doing, she's an adult on vacation. I feel sorry for your mum (the gran) here, so why don't you organise a nice meal at her house and some old family films or photos etc to look back at so your mum can share her memories and it'll give a bit of focus to the evening for your niece. If I were you I'd apologise to your niece and just say you'd hoped to get to know her a bit better whilst she's here so perhaps you could arrange a few activities together in the next few weeks.

I think you are expecting too much. She is 20 and just settling in. Yes, it would have been nice if she did visit, but the time has probably flown past.

Although your mum is a relative, she doesn’t actually know your mum, so may feel awkward popping in.

I think you and her have envisaged different visions for this trip. She is a young, free and single 20 year old exploring the world, and you expected more family time. It was very generous of you to put her up and offer help, but maybe she feels awkward amongst virtual strangers (even though you are family).

Sorry I disagree with previous posters. You were good enough to give her a place to stay, the least she should be able to do is be civil and speak to you. She said she wanted to see your Mom, but hasn't. Sounds to me like she's a user and moves on when a better offer comes along. Granted text probably want the best medium to use, but sometimes selfish people need telling. However I wouldn't give her address out to people, even her Mom.

Just leave her be.

You leave her alone to live her life how she wants to (as she is an adult).

What did the message say? I don't think you were unreasonable to say something, particularly because of your mum, but it does depend on how it's come across. PP's are right in that an adult can spend their time how they wish but a 20-year-old is still capable of being selfish, immature and hurtful without really realising it so you can sort of steer them if you're gentle about it. If you had a go at her then that's not going to help anyone.

She’s right. You shouldn’t be telling her what to do. She isn’t actually obliged to fit the role you have chosen for her or follow your agenda. She’s being selfish but in the normal way for a 20 yr old. They’re driven to seek independence and freedom from parental obligations. She didn’t come over here to be mothered by you.

I know you’re coming from a good place here. You’re trying to make your niece part of your closer family with all the give and take that entails...but you can’t force her to enjoy sitting with her gravely ill grandmother who she doesn’t really know. That relationship is in her jurisdiction, not yours.

You do sound very caring. X

You need to apologise. I'm not sure what your expectations were but she's a 20 year old on holiday. It isn't very nice having third parties snoop on her and report back to you either.

Leave the poor lass alone!

What's done is done. She's probably being defensive because she knows you're right. Give it a little time for her to calm down then extend the olive branch. Hopefully she'll now realise she should spend some time with her grandmother but perhaps give her some help to make it easier for her. Perhaps she feels a little awkward if she hasn't grown up with your mother as she's been abroad and needs help build a relationship?

You sound like my PIL who cannot begin to comprehend that family members would not want to spend as much precious work-free time as possible with pensioners whose idea of 'fun' is very different. What's the big deal with forcing her together with your DM? Poorly or not, they probably barely know each other. Difficult o know what's really going on but 'family' isn't always everything.

I’d issue an open invitation to Sunday lunch and leave it at that. I have one niece I am very close to and four others I wouldn’t expect to see unless they were in need of a few home comforts and had no better offers, which is fine. I wouldn’t be beating a path to their door if the situation was reversed

Her moving house 3 times (the first time from yours) in 6 weeks is a bit of a red flag, which makes me wonder what on earth is going on in her life. A failed relationship, or a moving-rather-too quickly-new-one? Harassment in her former digs? Unexpected culture shock (unexpected, because we and the US speak each other's languages and watch each other's television, but social attitides are surlrisingly different). Clearly, things she doesn't want to tell you and her mother about, though she was silly to lie about being family-oriented, when it's clearly not true, or true enough to outweigh whatever else is going on.

saraclara made a good point about your own worries about your mother (DN's grandmother). You may have hoped the girl's visit would cheer your DM up, but clearly that's not working out to be a solution. Unfortunately, you, your sister and your mother will have to stop hoping for DN to share the load (does your DSis feel guilty?)

Role reversal, you’re 20, you go on a working holiday to Australia or the US as you have dual citizenship. Your extended family live there so you catch up with them, find your feet, make friends and then you’re off. Off exploring the country, having fun, going out, travelling, couch surfing etc

You didn’t actually move 5 or 10 thousand miles from him to sit in with your Auntie Lizzie and your gran.

*home not him.

She sounds spoilt and immature. Many 20!year olds are! I had a US cousin stay with us as a favour (21) and to me she behaved like a petulant 16 year old and treated our house like a doss house. She was very immature and had lived in a bit of a bubble in the US. I didn’t tell her DM as I couldn’t see what good it would do but was glad to see the back of young cousin.