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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - feel like niece from abroad is neglecting family

65 replies

Busylizzie65 · 01/06/2019 03:42

Long post, sorry.
My 20-year-old niece is over from US for a few months. She stayed with us (on our sofa) for a couple of weeks and then moved into lodgings a half-hour bus ride away. I told her she's welcome back any time, for dinner or to stay the night. So far so good. She said she was very keen to keep in touch and particularly excited that she'd be able to spend time with my mother/her grandmother who has been extremely unwell. While she was staying with us, I invited her to a club I run. Since she moved out about 6 weeks ago, she's still been coming to my club but doesn't engage with me during the evening, just sits with other people she's got to know and basically ignores me. Now this club is literally minutes from my mother's and she gets there at least an hour early every week but doesn't ever pop in to see my mother, and doesn't ring her either. My mother asks me how my niece is, and knows she goes to the club, and is a little hurt by the fact that she doesn't keep in touch with her. I found out recently, via two different people, that my niece has moved lodgings although because she never contacts me I wasnt aware of the fact. This week my sister (niece's mum) asked me for her address (niece doesn't talk to her mum much either, it seems) and I had to admit I didn't know it. I've been upset by the fact that my niece doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, my family or my mother/her grandmother ( she's had basically no contact since she moved out other than at my club and we dont talk there anyway) and this week I called her out on it. Unfortunately she didn't come to the club this week (I found out from a third party that she was moving again) and so instead of a face to face conversation I sent her a message instead which was a terrible idea. She's now furious with me, saying I shouldn't be telling her what to do (true, probably), she's really family orientated (I see no evidence of that), I've been really unfair, etc. etc. I'm now torn between being convinced I was right to say something (mainly because I wanted her to see my mother who is very old, in poor health and virtually housebound), and knowing I've handled the situation badly. What on earth do I do now?

OP posts:

IHeartArya · 01/06/2019 07:25

Hmm I think I’d be very disappointed if my 20 year old behaved like this actually. Sounds very selfish.

By the sound of it she could easily pop in to your mums once a week for a coffee for what 30 minutes? Hardly time consuming. Chat to you for 10/15 minutes at the club - that would be 45 minutes out of her week. Hardly taxing.

Moving around a lot would worry me also.

I’d send one more message saying you are always there for her if she needs it & open invite her for lunch/dinner & see how she responds.

Hopeygoflightly · 01/06/2019 07:26

I disagree with the others saying what did you expect by the way! I’d expect some manners from her if she’s at your club every night then she could at least speak to you!

flumpybear · 01/06/2019 07:27

Rather than confront her, why not invite her and your mum around for dinner or something to bring you together? Now she's got the hump because you're trying to control her - she's 20 and probably enjoying new experiences .... popping round to see aunt and grandma is perhaps a bit dull, particularly if you're being a sticky beak

MRex · 01/06/2019 07:29

YABU, it sounds like your message was very critical and unpleasant, with no prior warning. You could have said "Your Nan would love to see more of you, any chance you could pop in for 20 minutes or so before or after the club? Also we're having family lunch on Saturday, starting at 12 so let me know if you can make it; we can pick you up and drop you back if that's easier."
In person you could then have asked her about where she's staying, reasons for moving etc.
Do you see how that approach is different than scolding her as not family oriented? Which aunt's messages would you prefer to respond to, if you were her?

Right now you should just apologise, tell her you handled it badly and you hope she's ok. Later you can try the nice approach.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 07:35

Why kind of club do you run that you can get there an hour early every week?

Is she actually ignoring you or is she busy? It’s hard to know without knowing what the club is. If it’s a small book club and she sits in a circle ignoring you that’s rude. If it’s a badminton club and she’s playing people her level and saying hello but just not spending the evening with you, that’s fine. From your post, I think you expect too much so I wouldn’t be surprised if your idea of ignoring isn’t actually no interaction.

You’re totally unrealistic about visiting her grandmother. She’s got limited time in the UK, she’s done her family bit, she has other priorities than a woman she doesn’t know.

I expect that you see yourself as having done her a big favour putting her up on your sofa for a fortnight, whereas she sees herself as having done her mum the favour of adding a family stay to her fun trip!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/06/2019 07:36

Has she not visited your mother at all? If so, I do think that's seriously off, esp. if you put her up for 2 weeks. 20 is plenty old enough to understand that it would be kind and a courtesy to visit a very unwell grandmother at least once, even if she's a virtual stranger.

Otherwise, I tend to agree with pps that she's bound to want to do her own thing.

saraclara · 01/06/2019 07:42

Exactly! And presumably during that fortnight, she DID see a fair bit of her grandmother.

If you want a 20 year old on a big trip, to do 'duty visiting' then you make it as appealing as possible by issuing cheerful and generous spirited invitations, not by sending grumpy and critical messages.

AllOverIt · 01/06/2019 07:45

You've said your piece. Now butt out.

IHeartArya · 01/06/2019 07:45

Thinking about it again - we have family abroad so get lots of visitors & when young had lots of people to visit. So we would always do plenty of duty visits & we receive them also. Your niece hasn’t been primed enough!

EssentialHummus · 01/06/2019 07:48

What getting just said.

mathanxiety · 01/06/2019 07:48

So she has fallen out with her mother, left her own home and country, and is now busy moving several times in six weeks and being rude to her relatives in the UK.

Some people should wear T-shirts saying 'I don't get along with others'. Is this why she has moved so frequently? That 'You're not the boss of me' attitude generally doesn't get you far with new roommates.

20 year olds who are old enough to arrange a move to another country that involves using a relative's couch until they get themselves situated are old enough to get over themselves and make a call to their grandmother or call around for tea. And bring a bunch of flowers while she's at it..

You don't just disappear and not tell your relatives where you live.

20 isn't the new 14.

As for 'family oriented' - many narcissists want to be judged for their (always impeccable) intentions but not for their actual behaviour.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/06/2019 07:51

She hasn't even updated her DM with her new address but you're indignant that you don't know it. Can't you see the disparity there? You're expecting her to be more accountable to you than she is to her mum. tbh that's the point where you should have realised that your expectations were a bit out of kilter.
As PPs have said, you seem to have been expecting her to slot into family life and 'make up for lost time' because she lives in another country. She seems to think she's here to visit the country and will check in occasionally with family.
You should apologise to her and say you had forgotten what it's like to be 20 in a new country.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 07:55

I think it’s over dramatic for people to make a big thing of her moving several times.

She was ALWAYS going to move once - she was sofa surfing with you! Family connection, intended no doubt to be a short stay.

So the first move is no big deal.

The second move... nice that people assune she can’t get on with others it’s one move. Maybe it was a mixed house share and she got a bad feeling about a man? Or maybe she’s just young, got talking to another group with a spare room that was bigger / closer to where she wanted to be / cheaper / nicer people. She’s travelling - of course she’s going to move!

You’re hurt that you don’t know her address. You’re just her aunt - why should you know it? I do think from a safety point of view she should tell her mum, but that’s between them.

StreetwiseHercules · 01/06/2019 07:56

There is such a weird control dynamic in many families. Utterly toxic.

AnotheChinHair · 01/06/2019 07:57

I think you may have forgotten what it's like being 20.

Shoxfordian · 01/06/2019 07:57

It seems like you're expecting too much from her as she doesn't really know you well. Leave her to it and stop messaging

Walkaround · 01/06/2019 07:59

Your niece is doing an awful lot of moving around in a tiny area. Why does she keep having to move lodgings? What is she doing over here? Presumably not travelling if she's been living close to you and your grandmother for over two months. I'd be a bit concerned about her behaviour if I were her mother, tbh, especially if she actually is normally interested in family.

Walkaround · 01/06/2019 08:02

Btw, Elisandra, there is a 3rd move in six weeks coming up, not a second one - she seems to have moved on every fortnight since she stayed wth her Aunt, but never far from where she last was, so it's not like she's travelling around to see new places.

Walkaround · 01/06/2019 08:08

Could she be sofa surfing with other people known to the family?

Qweenbee · 01/06/2019 08:08

She should be told how her gm feels. Kids are selfish at that age and she does needs a reminder of how much it would mean to pop in to see her gm for 10 minutes if she's in the vicinity.

However now you need to back off. If she doesn't even bother with her own mother then there isn't much more you can do. Don't bother helping her out again though.

Teddybear45 · 01/06/2019 08:17

20 year olds from the US and Canada tend to be really immature compared to similarly aged people from the UK and Europe. I think it’s the culture over there as people that age are expected to almost study for another 4-5 years before going into work. It’s possible she’s not getting on with the people she’s staying at who are her age - hence the many moves. I know many US cousins who had to so similar when they came here as they couldn’t get on with girls from other countries who were more capable / mature / had expectations regarding housework, cooking, etc.

I think you did the right thing personally by telling her mum. She clearly has issues. Don’t get into it with your DN and don’t accept any shit - her mum is probably funding this trip and if being in touch with family is a condition then she has to respect that.

Original poster

Busylizzie65 · 01/06/2019 08:34

Edit: Thanks for all your replies - you've made some good points. To clarify: she's living locally as she has a job here and is funding herself. Essentially I think she has a rather different idea to me of what being family-oriented means and I guess I'm disappointed as she always seemed so fond of her grandmother. But it's up to her how she behaves and I shall apologise for saying anything and hope we can get past this.

OP posts:

DonkeyHohtay · 01/06/2019 08:37

She's 20! Of course she doesn't want to be hanging out with her aunty and granny when she could be out having fun with people her own age.

"Being family oriented" doesn't have to mean living in each other's pockets and seeing each other all the time. Leave her be.

Ellisandra · 01/06/2019 08:46

Thanks Walkaround - I had read that as the OP referring to the same move twice.

It’s still not unusual for a sofa surfing situation, and the first move out of the OP’s house has to be discounted. It is enough to raise a concern though. If she’s in unstable accommodation, I’m not surprised that grandparent visiting isn’t high on her priorities! I think I that OP would have been better checking all was OK than berating her.

OP, has she lived in the US for long? You say you thought she was fond of her grandmother, but it’s possible she was fond of the idea of her, but found the reality hard work. My MIL is probably a similar age, she’s a lovely woman but we have NOTHING in common and my duty visits are just awkward. I can imagine that being even worse for a 20yo!

choli · 01/06/2019 12:15

20 year olds from the US and Canada tend to be really immature compared to similarly aged people from the UK and Europe.
Interesting. I've found the opposite, that young Americans are much more independent and less reliant on family than in the UK. At 20 they are not running to their families for everything.

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