AIBU - feel like niece from abroad is neglecting family

[Busylizzie65]

Long post, sorry.
My 20-year-old niece is over from US for a few months. She stayed with us (on our sofa) for a couple of weeks and then moved into lodgings a half-hour bus ride away. I told her she's welcome back any time, for dinner or to stay the night. So far so good. She said she was very keen to keep in touch and particularly excited that she'd be able to spend time with my mother/her grandmother who has been extremely unwell. While she was staying with us, I invited her to a club I run. Since she moved out about 6 weeks ago, she's still been coming to my club but doesn't engage with me during the evening, just sits with other people she's got to know and basically ignores me. Now this club is literally minutes from my mother's and she gets there at least an hour early every week but doesn't ever pop in to see my mother, and doesn't ring her either. My mother asks me how my niece is, and knows she goes to the club, and is a little hurt by the fact that she doesn't keep in touch with her. I found out recently, via two different people, that my niece has moved lodgings although because she never contacts me I wasnt aware of the fact. This week my sister (niece's mum) asked me for her address (niece doesn't talk to her mum much either, it seems) and I had to admit I didn't know it. I've been upset by the fact that my niece doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, my family or my mother/her grandmother ( she's had basically no contact since she moved out other than at my club and we dont talk there anyway) and this week I called her out on it. Unfortunately she didn't come to the club this week (I found out from a third party that she was moving again) and so instead of a face to face conversation I sent her a message instead which was a terrible idea. She's now furious with me, saying I shouldn't be telling her what to do (true, probably), she's really family orientated (I see no evidence of that), I've been really unfair, etc. etc. I'm now torn between being convinced I was right to say something (mainly because I wanted her to see my mother who is very old, in poor health and virtually housebound), and knowing I've handled the situation badly. What on earth do I do now?

Well given that she lives in the US it's clear that she isnt as close to your mother as you think she should be. Sounds like you all are pressuring and obligating her and she doesnt want to.
She doesnt seem close as you would like her to be.
I remember moving to a new town at 20 where both my mothers brothers lived. It was just assumed that I would be joining them on family activities and spending more time with them just because I lived close. In fact I also moved without letting anyone know because it just irritated me how everyone seemed to want to obligate me.

How much effort have you all put in to spending time with her. You say come whenever but have you tried arranging to see her? Going out for the day? Showing her some sights? It's a 2 way thing, maybe she isn't sure how to start up the relationship. If she has grown up on the USA I'm guessing she doesn't really know any of you.

She’s 20 and spreading her wings, making new friends.

She’s probably wondering why her aunt doesn’t come and speak to her during the club, but not too bothered as she’s with her friends.

Good on her for making a success of her trip.

20 year olds from the US and Canada tend to be really immature compared to similarly aged people from the UK and Europe.

Interesting. I've found the opposite, that young Americans are much more independent and less reliant on family than in the UK. At 20 they are not running to their families for everything.

I’m sure these are sweeping generalisations and can apply equally no matter where kids are from.

If I were in your position, I would apologise, ask her to let her mum know where she was, or leave an address with you, just in case of emergencies. Let her know she is welcome any time and to enjoy her trip.

For goodness sakes! I have lots of younger family and around the 20 mark don't hear thing from them until they turn 30 and become less selfish.

I didn't visit my family much at that age. I regret it now but it's really none of your business. Stop trying to control and adult!

I certainly wouldn't apologize.

Your mother, her grandmother is seriously ill, and even though she is minutes away can't drop into an old women of whom she's supposed to be very fond.

She sounds like a very selfish girl.

I think it is very unreasonable to have such low expectations of someone that age.

I wouldn't contact her again, but if you see her you could indeed point out how disappointing it is that she appears to have so little time for her ill, housebound grandmother.

She certainly can use her family when it suits her.

You sound very caring.
Good luck.

She's 20, she should be spreading her wings and spending time with people her own age. My DD is a little older than your niece, she's away from home studying and phones to chat often but her life doesn't revolve around us and nor should it - she's off working in Europe in the summer and planning some UK travel with her friends and making the most of being 21 which is what she should be doing. She comes back home for weekends and we have a good time together but we're not the main focus of her life.

Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them, or even like them. Leave her be.

20 year olds from the US and Canada tend to be really immature compared to similarly aged people from the UK and Europe. I think it’s the culture over there as people that age are expected to almost study for another 4-5 years before going into work.

If they are 20 and in university it will be another two years before they hit the world of full time work. Not 4-5.

Most of them will have been working part time from age 16 and will have held down a pt job during university too and full time jobs all summer and other holidays, and for the most part those jobs will have been in retail or hospitality, not fancy internships.

The American and Canadian 20 year olds you tend to see studying abroad are people who have lived away from their homes, in university, since 18, most with no intention of ever returning to live at home and the strong expectation on the part of their parents that they will be fending for themselves in their own accommodation once they graduate, and repaying their massive student loans.

The vast majority will have had the experience of living in a dorm with a roommate, with 10-50 fellow students on the same floor and a shared bathroom for each floor in the dorm. They are well used to getting along with others.

The particular 20 year old who is the OP's niece is not apparently doing a study abroad year but is over to live and work. She may not have the experience of living away from home in a university setting under her belt - this may contribute to the flat hopping.

She sounds rather unused to social norms and seems to chafe at reminders of other people's expectations.

Some unnecessarily harsh replies here I think. I have a 20 year old living a long way from home who keeps in regular contact with us and his ageing grandparents whilst working, studying and socialising. It's incredibly bad manners not to at least let your parents know where you live!

Just a youngster doing what youngsters do. She doesn't really know you or your DM, and probably just think of you as boring old farts people. Don't worry about it.

That in itself is appalling.

And 20 is hardly a youngster.

20 is the very definition of a youngster.

Yabu OP. Cultural differences aside, she has no obligation and as an adult can choose to do as she wants.