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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep ExH surname after I remarry?

75 replies

stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 17:33

Ok, here's the backstory. Married to my first husband when I was 19, so I have had my current surname for the majority of my adult like (am now 33).
My DD is 6 and has my Ex's last name, we split up shortly after she was born as he had an affair. So my DD and me have always had the same surname. She sees her dad regularly, there's no way he'd go for changing her last name, (nor would I want to, it's the name she was born with and has always had). I have asked her opinion on this and she says she wants to have the same name as me, bearing in mind she's 6 so doesn't really understand the implications etc.

My new partner is fantastic and doesn't mind either way.

I have considered double barreling but it makes quite a mouthful, would be a 3 syllable name followed by a 2.

Having such a dilemma about this! I do feel strongly about having the same name as my DD though....

Thoughts??

OP posts:
luckygreeneyes · 31/05/2019 17:35

In your situation is definitely consider it. Although my DD has her dads name and my DS has DHs name.

On the other hand my MIL did this, FIL does a few years back and I think it’s really odd. But totally different scenario

Sleepyquest · 31/05/2019 17:37

What if you go on to have another child with your DH to be?

MaMisled · 31/05/2019 17:38

I kept exs name when I remarried. Ex and current DH had no issue with me wanting same name as the children. It was convenient and, 17 yrs on, I'm still happy with it.

ElspethFlashman · 31/05/2019 17:41

I wouldn't. A 6 year old will never know the difference. I mean, how does she even know its an option? Cos you raised it?

I think it's really wierd to keep the name of a guy you broke up with tbh. Even if it's your kids names. That's not really much of a reason. I don't have the same surname as my kids and who cares?? It literally doesn't matter. It doesn't make them less my kids!

Original poster
stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 17:42

@sleepyquest that won't be happening. I was very poorly after I had my DD and won't go through that again for everyones sake. DH to be is fine with his, he's known her since she was 2 and treats her as his own

OP posts:
sincethereis · 31/05/2019 17:43

I wouldn’t but I can see why you would want to for sure.

What if you go on to have kids with New partner though ?

Also it is a little tiny bit odd to have you ex husbands surname when you’ve moved on.

Original poster
stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 17:46

@elspethflashman it's been my name for the last 14 years, so longer than I'd have known/been using my full maiden name before that! I do think of it as my name. She raised it herself, as she was there when we did the giving notice appointment and I asked the question to the registrar if I'd be allowed to keep my current name. She doesn't miss a thing thats when she piped up.

OP posts:
Awrite · 31/05/2019 17:46

Go for it. My mil did it. It's been her name for over 4 decades. She was only married to dh1 for about a year. Her second marriage lasted over 20 years.

It's her name, not dh1's.

Sleepyquest · 31/05/2019 17:47

Ahhh @stitchmaker85 sorry to hear that! But also makes your decision a bit easier Smile just do whatever you're comfortable with! I doubt your daughter will mind in years to come

Herefortheduration · 31/05/2019 17:47

It's not your exhs name, it is your name. You merely changed your name to match his, he didn't bestow his name upon you. Keep it if you want, nothing to do with exh.

MitziK · 31/05/2019 17:48

I think it's weird.

But then again, I've been lumbered with the name of another man since I was born, rather than that of my father, which is slightly different because my mother didn't mind fucking somebody else's husband whilst still married, she just didn't want anybody else knowing it, especially when claiming widow's benefits on the grounds of his Married Man's contributions and getting his life insurance policy when her husband died shortly after my birth

People will just assume you're still married to somebody else and your partner/stbh is the man you've left him for. [shrug]

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 17:50

It screams that you cant let go of a previous relationship, that very well may not be the case, but everyone will think this. Should your Ex gets remarried there will be Mrs Smith the Elder (mil), the first Mrs Smith (you) and the current Mrs Smith (new wife). TBH it's your Exs name to give to his wife, you are no longer his wife.

jmh740 · 31/05/2019 17:50

My parents have been married 35 years, my dad was married before and has 3children with his ex wife they have been divorced over 45 years but she still has the same surname, I think she wanted to keep the same name as her children and she was a teacher so was always Mrs H, I used to find it a bit odd when I was younger

Belgrovia · 31/05/2019 17:50

Stick with the same name as your daughter.

It will make travelling abroad so much easier - if you have different surnames, border officials in lots of countries will assume your a non-custodial parent kidnapping the child.

EpicDay · 31/05/2019 17:51

My mum did it and it never occurred to me that it was a problem. She like you had had my dad’s name from 22 to when she remarried aged 47. I don’t recall anybody commenting on it and I was pleased to have the same name as her.

lyralalala · 31/05/2019 17:51

People will just assume you're still married to somebody else and your partner/stbh is the man you've left him for. [shrug]

I'd bet more people will assume she's kept her maiden name to match her DD.

It's your name. Keep it. You and your DH are both happy with it so that's all that matters.

Belgrovia · 31/05/2019 17:53

TBH it's your Exs name to give to his wife, you are no longer his wife.

Don’t be so stupid. Names don’t belong to anybody. If I wanted to change my surname to ‘Fitzgerald’ or ‘Woodville’ tomorrow, there’s no law to stop me doing so.

The law doesn’t see it as you taking someone else’s name - you are quite simply changing your own name, and that is it.

MintyCedric · 31/05/2019 17:53

If it means a lot to your daughter and your husband to be is fine with it, then I'd keep it.

Personally I was very happy to go back to my maiden name when I got divorced and my daughter who was 13 at the time didn't mind me having a different name, but it had really bothered her I probably would kept XH's name.

MintyCedric · 31/05/2019 17:55

if it had bothered her

In the unlikely event that I ever remarry I don't think I'd change my name again tbh.

MichelleC69 · 31/05/2019 17:58

To the person who said it will make traveling abroad easier, this is not true. I remarried last year and I now have my new husband's surname, which is not my daughter's. We've never had a problem talking her abroad.

MadCattery · 31/05/2019 18:00

I divorced after 22 yrs and remarried ten years later. Still have my now-dead ex husbands name. It’s a PITA to change everything. I would have had to change about thirty five things, bank accounts, stocks, insurance, house, etc. present husband is fine with it. Son married and his wife did not change her name, which I understand! I wasn’t going to go through that again!

cupofteaandcake · 31/05/2019 18:01

If anything I would go back to your mauden name and if you have anymore children give them that name. It would be easier all round if women just kept their name and/or the man changed his, the children then have the same name as their mother.

Personally I find it strange that women keep changing their name to that if their partner but each to there own!

Crapplepie · 31/05/2019 18:04

My mum kept her married name (to my father, her ex husband) when she divorced. At the time, both DSis and I had the same name. We've subsequently married, and changed our names to our respective husbands'. Mum has kept her name even though we no longer have it. As OP says, she's had it a long time. You do you and don't worry op Flowers

Original poster
stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 18:05

I've heard stories about the difficulties of travelling abroad, though it does seem to be pot luck whether you are asked questions or not when having a differing name to your DC. This was one of my reasons for keeping it, at least until she's an adult.

@madcattery - yes you're right, it will be a huge PITA and something I wasn't looking forward to doing. Also (stupid reason I know!) but all my email addresses are [email protected]
I'd never get that for my new surname as it's fairly common (I'd have the exact name as his cousins wife, even middle name...how weird is that!)

I also feel a bit weird calling myself "Stitchmaker NewPartnersName".

Maybe I will do it at some point in the future when I'm ready, but I think for now I'll stick as I am :)

OP posts:
Loftyswops988 · 31/05/2019 18:07

My parents split when i was a toddler. My mum kept the same surname as me (my dads) until i was about 20/21 and then began using her maiden name personally and at work, but officially still has the same surname as us. Worked out for us and any partners she has had haven't been bothered about it. Maybe keep it until she's a bit older and all school stuff is out of the way.

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