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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep ExH surname after I remarry?

75 replies

stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 17:33

Ok, here's the backstory. Married to my first husband when I was 19, so I have had my current surname for the majority of my adult like (am now 33).
My DD is 6 and has my Ex's last name, we split up shortly after she was born as he had an affair. So my DD and me have always had the same surname. She sees her dad regularly, there's no way he'd go for changing her last name, (nor would I want to, it's the name she was born with and has always had). I have asked her opinion on this and she says she wants to have the same name as me, bearing in mind she's 6 so doesn't really understand the implications etc.

My new partner is fantastic and doesn't mind either way.

I have considered double barreling but it makes quite a mouthful, would be a 3 syllable name followed by a 2.

Having such a dilemma about this! I do feel strongly about having the same name as my DD though....

Thoughts??

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 31/05/2019 18:09

Use your maiden name if you must, but keeping your ex’s name while being married to another man is bonkers.

VictoriaBun · 31/05/2019 18:11

My friend had been with her 2nd husband 20+ years and has kept her first husband's name because it's more usual than that of her dh.

Pinkvoid · 31/05/2019 18:11

Personally think it’s odd but understand why you want to do it. Your DP is fine with it so go for it. My exMIL did it although she didn’t remarry.

rightsideofherstory · 31/05/2019 18:13

Keep your last name. Your daughter will appreciate it

Summersunshine2 · 31/05/2019 18:16

Some of the replies on here are funny!
It's totally understandable that you want to keep the same name as your daughter. I did. Especially when they are so young.
I may re-marry and considered having both names but not double barrelled. How annoying though that women take on the name of their partners! Imagine marrying four times and keeping all the last names

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 18:16

@Belgrovia

Why do you have to be so personally aggressive, rude , vulgar and common? I can guarantee you wouldn't take that attitude without a keyboard to hide behind and big yourself up with.

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 18:16

Keep your last name. Your daughter will appreciate it

Why will she? She'll be changing hers at some point

lyralalala · 31/05/2019 18:19

I've heard stories about the difficulties of travelling abroad, though it does seem to be pot luck whether you are asked questions or not when having a differing name to your DC. This was one of my reasons for keeping it, at least until she's an adult.

I get stopped more with my younger kids (who I share a name with) than I did with my elder kids (who don't). I think it's simply more common now becuase of security than anything else. Many cultures in the world regularly have the mother have a different name to her kids and travelling is still easily doable.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 31/05/2019 18:21

I think there's still a stigma that people conclude and judge that 'you weren't married' when you have a different surname. Plus I have heard it can make travelling more tricky. Keep it the same.

Polyjuice · 31/05/2019 18:26

I’d have two surnames (eg Hilary Rodham Clinton) - the Spanish do it that way too. That will deal with subsequent kids having your new DH name also. It’s also much better than double barrelling which (in my humble opinion) is a bit naff unless it’s actually a family double barrelled name.

GreenTulips · 31/05/2019 18:27

Why not take his last name as a middle name?

mamaoffourdc · 31/05/2019 18:27

As a child growing up with a different name to my mum - please keep the same name as her - I felt that I didn't belong xx

Rach182 · 31/05/2019 18:31

Could you double barrel your daughters name with your maiden name (if your maiden name is shorter). And go back to using your maiden name?

Freudianslip1 · 31/05/2019 18:32

My parents split up when I was 6 and one of my worst fears was my mum remarrying as then we would have a different surname. I don't know why but this was very upsetting to me. She did remarry and changed her name officially but always used 'our' surname. After I married I think she used her official name (I kept my own) but I have so much respect for her for doing this for me, it's probably the greatest gift she gave me (and yes I realize how sad that sounds!)

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 31/05/2019 18:35

I'd be tempted to keep it in this situation, there's nothing stopping you from changing it in the future when your daughter is older or just if you change your mind.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 31/05/2019 18:35

Why do you have to be so personally aggressive, rude , vulgar and common? I can guarantee you wouldn't take that attitude without a keyboard to hide behind and big yourself up with.

Belgrovias comment could be considered the first two on that list, but how was it vulgar or 'common'?

SpotlessMind · 31/05/2019 18:41

I have a different name to my son as I kept my maiden name when I married - it’s not problematic and we’ve travelled together without his dad a lot - occasionally he gets asked who he is travelling with and then they wave us through.

I don’t think it’s weird to keep your ex’s name and the people saying ‘everyone will assume xyz’ are not correct - if you said to anyone ‘I kept the name because it was important to my daughter’ most people would think ‘that’s understandable’ and move on/not give it a second thought. I know someone who is into her fourth husband and her surname is a double-barrel of her 1st and 2nd husbands names - unusual but no one really cares

freshstartnewme · 31/05/2019 18:49

it's been my name for the last 14 years, so longer than I'd have known/been using my full maiden name before that!

If you got married at 19 how can your 14 year married name have been your name longer than your maiden name?

Anyway I wouldn't change my name now for anything. Keep it if you want.

cranstonmanor · 31/05/2019 18:56

Tina Turner chose to walk away from her marriage taking nothing but her married name. Her ex husband sued her and she won the court case which allowed her to keep her ex husbands last name as her own.

GreenTulips · 31/05/2019 18:57

Because they split up 5 years ago?

14 plus 5

freshstartnewme · 31/05/2019 18:58

Op said 'it's been my name for 14 years'

Desmondo2016 · 31/05/2019 19:00

I was proud to take my new husbands name and I thought it would phase me not having the same name as my kids but actually it didn't.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 31/05/2019 19:03

Keep your last name. Your daughter will appreciate it

Why will she? She'll be changing hers at some point

Why will she be changing hers at some point, many women don't.

Sometimes on threads about children having/not having the same name as their mother, or about women keeping their own name, I think some posters live in another world to me.

I have two, now adult, sons who have the same surname as their father and have never experienced any problems because my name is different - whether travelling, with schools, or doctors or any of the other places people say will cause problems.
In the school I work in lots of the children have mothers who have a different surname to them; they are generally middle-class, professional women, so maybe it's more the 'norm' in some circles than others?

Bookworm4 · 31/05/2019 19:04

You had your maiden name for 19 years, you've kept an exs name who cheated on you and now the 6 yr old is dictating? All very odd, if your DP treats her as his own since she was two, have you never considered changing both your names to his?

Original poster

stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 19:05

sorry I wasn't clear - as an adult, it's been my name for the longest, I was only using my maiden name in an official capacity (eg banks, jobs etc) for 2 years from the ages of 18-19.

My current name is the one I feel I most identify with and have used most, as an adult!

OP posts:

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