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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep ExH surname after I remarry?

75 replies

stitchmaker85 · 31/05/2019 17:33

Ok, here's the backstory. Married to my first husband when I was 19, so I have had my current surname for the majority of my adult like (am now 33).
My DD is 6 and has my Ex's last name, we split up shortly after she was born as he had an affair. So my DD and me have always had the same surname. She sees her dad regularly, there's no way he'd go for changing her last name, (nor would I want to, it's the name she was born with and has always had). I have asked her opinion on this and she says she wants to have the same name as me, bearing in mind she's 6 so doesn't really understand the implications etc.

My new partner is fantastic and doesn't mind either way.

I have considered double barreling but it makes quite a mouthful, would be a 3 syllable name followed by a 2.

Having such a dilemma about this! I do feel strongly about having the same name as my DD though....

Thoughts??

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 31/05/2019 19:06

Sometimes on threads about children having/not having the same name as their mother, or about women keeping their own name, I think some posters live in another world to me

Yep. It's called the 1950s.

Ive noticed this before on MN. Dire warnings if you don't do the traditional route of taking your man's name. It's always very dramatic.

Bouledeneige · 31/05/2019 19:06

I dont really understand women changing their name when they marry. I have a different surname to my children but its not caused any problems at all. And as a divorcee I'm glad I never acquired his name. I'd hate to be saddled with it! (My DD has since added my surname into her as a middle name - not double barrelled...)

But I get that you changed your name at 19 OP. However as an earlier poster said, what will you do if you and your new husband have another child? I think I'd want my children to both have the same name at least. I'm thinking though that now you consulted your daughter it will be hard to back track. Of course she said that the sweet thing.

lotusbell · 31/05/2019 19:07

I split with my exh before DS12 was born and have never changed my married surname back to my maiden name. I'm too lazy. We've moved house a few times and it's bad enough having to remember which organisations and people to inform without having to do it all for my surname too. So ive been divorced 10 years and never got round to it, oops!
Exh has remarried and sometimes it occurs to be it might be time, like when I comment on a Facebook post and all the other family members with the same surname comment . I'm engaged and will take my partners surname when we get married. If we ever get round to it...

lotusbell · 31/05/2019 19:08

Plus, I'd have to learn to do my signature with my maiden name, all over again!

BlueThang · 31/05/2019 19:09

Keep the surname. There's nothing weird about wanting the same surname as your dd. My mum kept her married name after my parents divorced and no one cared or has ever commented on it. They may have spoken about it behind her back and thought it odd, but in actual fact they would have been the weird ones concerning themselves with someone else's name and making assumptions about her thoughts and feelings about my father by assuming she was struggling to move on from him.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 31/05/2019 19:10

So you are not considering changing your name to your husband's (not sure why people do this but your choice) but to your partner's? Have I got that right? If you are going to change at all then revert to your birth name. Partners come and go quite regularly if the Relationships board is anything to go by, you could be the next Cheryl!

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2019 19:11

It's not weird at all. It's your name. You changed your name on marriage.

As for the posters acting like it's a man's gift to bestow on women of his choosing, really?

noeyedeer · 31/05/2019 19:12

Slightly different, but my DB plans to take his fiancée's name when he marries. She has son from a different relationship and he wants them all to have the same name. I think it's a great idea. Less fuss than double-barrelled names etc

honeylulu · 31/05/2019 19:12

How about you keep your first married name but title yourself "Miss"? That way you have same name as daughter but remove the "Mrs" that denotes your marriage to her father.

If your new husband is a modern man he might be willing to change his name to match. Unusual ... but possible. Otherwise just have different surnames. Plenty of married folk do (including me).

I prefer to see women keeping their own surnames on marriage and children taking the mothers surname, but a bit late for that here!

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 31/05/2019 19:13

Sorry, missed the bit where you said you are going to get married. Ignore my misunderstanding

MrsTommyBanks · 31/05/2019 19:14

I did, never caused any issues.

TastingTheRainbow · 31/05/2019 19:18

Can’t he take your last name? That’s what a friend I know did, she kept her married name that matched her children and her new husband also took that name on. Works perfectly in some situations!

Angrybird123 · 31/05/2019 19:20

I haven't remarried but kept my exs name, just changed to Miss. Its my kids name and I couldn't be bothered with the hassle. Its my name now anyway. If I remarried I'd keep it.

ShaggyRug · 31/05/2019 19:20

Your ex didn’t give you his name. You took it.

Boils my piss when people think men give their names. No!... I chose to take DH’s name.

Therefore it’s your name and yours to do with as you please. Keep or change. I’d feel same about having same name as DD.

feelingsinister · 31/05/2019 19:36

I can understand the reasons OP but it does seem a little bit strange to me. I get that your daughter wants to have the same name but personally I think it would be easier to fully explain why you are changing your name and then make a decision whether to take your new partner's name or go back to your family name.

Could you do as others have suggested and use your family name and double barrel your daughters? Surely your ex would struggle to object to that.

lau888 · 31/05/2019 19:54

You currently have the same surname as your child, which is nice for the two of you. It doesn't "belong" to your ex. I'd keep it. x

NameChange92 · 31/05/2019 20:06

@UnicornBrexit
“ Keep your last name. Your daughter will appreciate it

Why will she? She'll be changing hers at some point”

Why will she? You do realise women aren’t considered their husbands property any more and are able to keep their own surname on marriage.

I like the system (I believe it’s either Spanish or Portuguese) where everyone inherits one surname from each of their parents and keeps their own surname on marriage (so much easier administratively speaking too) I.e. Jane Smith Jones and John Brown White would have child Billy Smith White.

If your ex would agree to change your DDs name to include your maiden name i’d be tempted to revert to that.

But no, you’re not being unreasonable to keep your ex’s surname, it’s not just his surname now, it’s the surname you share with your daughter and I think it’s probably even more important you retain that link when you remarry than when you divorce, otherwise she may feel like she’s been excluded from your family in favour of your new husband

LoveMyNewHome · 31/05/2019 20:14

Haven't RTFT but I have done this. Got married in my early 20's & divorced after 11 years. Re married 4 years ago, so had had the surname for 17 years before I re married. It is my childrens surname, so important to me to have the same name as them. Also, it is an incredible faff changing names & I don't particularly like DH's name.

I will be honest, DH doesn't like it at all, & family nagged me to change it, so I caved & did on Facebook, but nowhere else! The way I see it is it is MY surname. The fact that it is ex H's name as well means NOTHING to me. He is a controlling bully who never ceases to amaze me how low he can sink. I guess that is another reason I am stubborn about keeping MY name, I won't change something so vital about myself just because a man wants me to!

The only thing that I stipulate is that I am Ms my surname, NOT Mrs & I get fed up of correcting people who make assumptions. I will answer to Mrs DH name & will sometimes double barrel both names, but legally I haven't changed it & have no intention of doing so!

BarbedBloom · 31/05/2019 20:19

I would change mine simply as I wouldn't want to be regarded as Mrs Ex Name or get mail in that name. If you, your new husband and daughter are all happy though, do what works for you

RottnestFerry · 31/05/2019 20:20

I haven't remarried but kept my exs name, just changed to Miss. Its my kids name and I couldn't be bothered with the hassle. Its my name now anyway.

My ex-wife did this. She has even kept the Mrs. Said she preferred it to her own surname.

GaraMedouar · 31/05/2019 20:28

Keep your surname. It's not your ex's name , it's yours and your daughters. You changed it officially and everyone knows you by it. It's a no brainer to me. And yes much better to stay the same as your DD for travelling etc. Janet Street Porter for example kept her first husband's name and is now on about marriage 3. But she was known professionally as Street Porter, so kept it.

SrSteveOskowski · 31/05/2019 20:39

I never changed mind when I got married. 17 years on and I'm still glad.
If I ever split up with DH and got married again, I still wouldn't change it.

I'm in Ireland though where it seems to be less common here to take the man's name than it is in the UK.
The majority of my friends have double barreled, but my surname sounds terrible with DH's.

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2019 21:41

Rottnest it IS her own surname! It was as soon as she changed it.

Frazzled2207 · 31/05/2019 21:51

How about adding your new dp's name onto the end of yours, don't have to double barrel it. Then you could use his last name but you'd still have your old name.
I considered doing this is def possible.

RottnestFerry · 31/05/2019 22:36

Rottnest it IS her own surname! It was as soon as she changed it

I know. I don't have problem with it. Some people have expressed surprise that she kept it rather than reverting to her previous name though.

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