Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else has a mother who is relentlessly negative and whiny.

59 replies

Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 12:45

And if so how on earth do you deal with them sensitively?

My DM has always been difficult but has got so much worse over the last couple of years, and it's got to the point that I really don't want to spend time with her. She has decided that I am now her the sounding board for all her problems and just complains and moans constantly.

She is suspect bored, lonely, and struggling with the concept of getting older, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it other than complain. It's all very trivial stuff mostly , but my DF is baring the brunt of it all and can't seem to do anything right. If he stays at home he's under her feet if he goes out it's not fair on her and she's all alone at home. For context they've never been a couple of who do everything together and she's never been clingy until so I don't understand where this has from?

She lives vicariously through DB and I, and even though we are now both grown adults in our 30's she struggles to see as independent from her and has trouble resepecting boundaries. She has to be in constant contact with us, if she doesn't see us she'll text and what's app and tag is un stuff in FB until we respond. Our lives are changing, we've grown up and it's like she can't accept it. It's like she needs to have constant access to us. She is stroppy and sulky when this is all challenged.

She has no hobbies and only a few acquaintances rather than friends. It's always been like this and has she always really struggled to maintain friendships. I'm sure her life would be different if this wasn't the case, Ive tried to encourage her to do something about it but she won't.

So there you have it. I'm sure I sound really unkind, but she's driving me potty and just being in her presence is draining both physically and mentally. I can feel myself getting very close to blowing my top, because I know people going through the most awful stuff and yet they never ever complain it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 31/05/2019 12:48

How old is she? Could she be dealing with the menopause?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2019 13:03

Until you create very firm boundaries, you will continue to allow her to make you miserable. Tell her clearly her whinging and moaning is making you crazy, and you simply can't take it anymore. Tell her you will NOT be constantly hounded by text, fb, calls, whatever, and if she doesn't immediately rein it in, you will be blocking her at various times during the day. When you visit, if she kicks off and starts being miserable and negative, you will be leaving. Put an end to this emotional terrorism right now.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 13:03

She's in her 60's so way past the menopause. She wasn't actually this bad when going through it believe it or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 13:13

'Emotional terrorism'. That's a great way of describing it!

And yes I do feel like I'm responsible for her happiness. Though I don't know why!

OP posts:
TixieLix · 31/05/2019 13:33

Has she started on any different medications over the past couple of years OP? I ask because my DF used to get stroppy and short tempered with my DM when he was taking particular meds. He loved her to pieces but the meds definitely affected his moods. He has passed now, so I can't check what they were, but it's worth thinking if there's a link.

clairemcnam · 31/05/2019 13:51

She is bored and lonely and rather than doing something to change that, is relying on her adult kids to fill the gap in her own life. When you refuse to help her fill that gap, she feels hard done by and whines and complains.
I don't think there is anything you can do except be firm about boundaries. So tell her you can't respond to her at work, and you can't respond when you are busy e.g. driving, cooking, etc. Respond to her only when it is convenient to you.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/05/2019 13:54

OP my mum is the same - she is alone, friendless, no hobbies, no interests, nothing. I am constantly criticised, mocked and belittled, whilst being her sounding board for all the evils in her world (plus having to constantly hear how golden child sibling is managing to balance his work/life/family/spouse/finances). Not one positive thing have I had from this relationship for months.

I went NC in February after being called a prostitute. My life feels so much lighter.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 14:20

Not that I'm aware of TixieLix. I suspect she has undiagnosed mental health problems, depression and probably anxiety as well. She will become fixated on a subject and go on and on about it for hours. Sometimes longer than that. I will ignore it and try and change the subject but she will chip on about it.

Shes become very unkind and bitchy about members of our extended family as well. Like she resents other people's happiness.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 31/05/2019 14:21

She sounds lonely. My mum was like this until she started joining groups and classes

Hollowvictory · 31/05/2019 14:23

Yes, I haven't seen her for 8 years

Oldraver · 31/05/2019 14:24

OP my Mum is quite similar though she has no FB access to our lives at all. She used to make embarrassing demanding comments so she was defriended...

I suggest you start with this

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 14:32

Ive suggested groups and classes and she has no interest.

OP posts:
Sd183 · 31/05/2019 15:06

My DM was very similar and it is very hard to manage. Boundaries were the key, and I chose to communicate with her on my own schedule rather than bending to hers all the time.

What I will say is this- I lost my DM 3 years ago, and I would take all this from her to have her back. Work on it- you'll regret it one day if you don't

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 15:56

That's just it. I feel guilty just thinking about it, but it's starting to impact on my own mental health and I've to prioritise that.

OP posts:
Mascarponeandwine · 31/05/2019 16:06

Mine was the same, dead 10 years ago now. I actually regret NOT setting boundaries when she was alive, I think we could have had a better relationship and I could have had more kindly memories as a result. Or she would’ve sulked til kingdom come. Either way it might’ve been better than the lingering resentment that I’m left with.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 16:13

It's the sulking the really drives me potty. Oh and the hurt little looks. I wouldn't tolerate that from a child so why should I take it from an adult.

OP posts:
StrongerThanIThought76 · 31/05/2019 16:15

I've taken mine to groups, introduced her to classes, set up her laptop to go online, bought and set up a mobile so she can keep up to date with photos etc but she REFUSES to engage. I ended up having counselling where I figured out that to protect my own mental health I needed to set boundaries and reduce the impact her negativity was having on me and my family. I even explained this to her in a couple of joint sessions. However she wouldn't respect that and ramped it up even more so I needed to go NC.

CurbsideProphet · 31/05/2019 16:16

My MIL is like this. I've rarely heard her saying anything that's not a complaint about something / someone who has slighted her. She's not interested in asking her children how they are and what they've been up to recently. It's difficult.

EssentialHummus · 31/05/2019 16:25

Mine’s the same. Very simply, it’s not going to change unless you change it, and she will kick off when you do. Sorry to say.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 16:39

Stronger just recently Ive suggested taking her to the cinema, the theatre and a pub quiz. She turned down all suggestions. That's the thing you see, she has to be the one making the decisions. She has to be in control.

She ruined last Christmas for all of us by trying to micromanage every tiny little second of it. Then when we didn't tow the line and do things as she wanted she chucked an almighty tantrum and spent Boxing Day in a silk. No ammount of explaining that it doesn't matter, that Christmas doesn't need to be perfect made an ounce of difference . She really upset DB who told her so, but she refused to apologise for her behaviour.

I think she wants Christmas to be exactly as it was when were little, and it's not and it's never going to be the same again.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 31/05/2019 16:52

You need to set boundaries and ignore the sulking. Don't try and appease her. She's not the boss. Don't return her calls for a few days, have her less involved generally. This will only get worse as she ages, and x 1000 if and when eventually left on her own. And the fact she will die one day is no reason to put up with it.. I lost my DM suddenly in her 60's and I've still no regrets she wasn't overinvolved in my life. In fact, the time we spent together was more precious because of that.

cptartapp · 31/05/2019 16:54

And did you see her both Christmas Day and Boxing Day!? Too much.

EssentialHummus · 31/05/2019 17:04

I also think - bitter experience talking - that you need to realise you aren’t responsible for her happiness and moreover cannot anymore make her happy than you can turn lead into gold.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 17:10

Interesting her aging has been mentioned as I'm having nightmares wondering what she'll be like at 80!

And yes we did see her both on Christmas Day and Boxing Day! Her behaviour has ensured that DB and his DP will never spend Christmas with her again, and I'm considering getting a job that requires you to work over the festive period just to stop it happening.

OP posts:
Neome · 31/05/2019 17:17

When you arrive say "on a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you feeling now?" Same when you leave. If no improvement she's able to own you can quite reasonably conclude you aren't helping (not necessarily out loud) or if there is you can ask her what she thinks cheered her up however slightly.

You never know she might even find it supportive either way it might stiffen your boundaries. Good luck