To ask if anyone else has a mother who is relentlessly negative and whiny.

[Ohnotanothernamechange]

And if so how on earth do you deal with them sensitively?

My DM has always been difficult but has got so much worse over the last couple of years, and it's got to the point that I really don't want to spend time with her. She has decided that I am now her the sounding board for all her problems and just complains and moans constantly.

She is suspect bored, lonely, and struggling with the concept of getting older, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it other than complain. It's all very trivial stuff mostly , but my DF is baring the brunt of it all and can't seem to do anything right. If he stays at home he's under her feet if he goes out it's not fair on her and she's all alone at home. For context they've never been a couple of who do everything together and she's never been clingy until so I don't understand where this has from?

She lives vicariously through DB and I, and even though we are now both grown adults in our 30's she struggles to see as independent from her and has trouble resepecting boundaries. She has to be in constant contact with us, if she doesn't see us she'll text and what's app and tag is un stuff in FB until we respond. Our lives are changing, we've grown up and it's like she can't accept it. It's like she needs to have constant access to us. She is stroppy and sulky when this is all challenged.

She has no hobbies and only a few acquaintances rather than friends. It's always been like this and has she always really struggled to maintain friendships. I'm sure her life would be different if this wasn't the case, Ive tried to encourage her to do something about it but she won't.

So there you have it. I'm sure I sound really unkind, but she's driving me potty and just being in her presence is draining both physically and mentally. I can feel myself getting very close to blowing my top, because I know people going through the most awful stuff and yet they never ever complain it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Dh and ds tell me to just let her get on with it, and she will call me when she wants something. I email one of Mum's friends to see if she is OK. The friend can see right through my Mum as well.

She tells me everything that's going on her life. Stuff that I don't really need to know about, literally every last piss, shit and fart. That kind of thing. I am expected to sit there and listen to it all. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't so one sided but she has zero interest in my own well being and doesn't want to hear any gripes I may have.

Mine reads the Daily Mail to me, despite the fact I can access the website on my computer; have a degree and a postgrad, and have an A at O level for English language, so therefore have been able to read on my own for a very long time (almost 50 years now).

Mine also tells me how to run my marriage. Given that we have been married for longer than my parents were divorced, it's a bit rich at times. She also does this 'you wouldn't understand, but as a mother....'...wtf is my 23 year old ds then?

It's very wearing. Just spent many minutes hearing all of aunt's ailment talk, then when my mother is on the phone, we have to go through all the exact same details again. With added bits of how the NHS aren't 'doing anything' (they are, but I don't think they properly understand the process) I am a few hours away, which would make helping with these appointments difficult, unless extreme situation, but unfortunately you can still still moan down a telephone...

I have to have a three way conversation with my mother and the dog usually with an interlude of the dog barking at someone shutting a door three streets away and my mother shouting at the dog to be quiet, dog barking back in response, my mother's voice going up an octave etc. I know a lot about the medical conditions of many people I don't know, and now don't care to, including the staff at her local Tesco. Her hatred of every relative dead or alive knows no bounds. She currently has an age inappropriate crush on the man behind the counter in the post office who put some extra tape on the back of a parcel for her. I fear for his safety.

OP, you are allowing your mother to completely dictate the terms of your relationship with her.
You are no longer a child, and it is high time to establish your own boundaries. Decide how much contact you actually want to have with her - which might be none at all - and enforce that.
Make clear that if she’s grumpy when you turn up, you will leave.
If you decide you will phone her once a week, stick to it and ignore her the rest of the time.
My own mother was a selfish unloving narcissist who continually criticised everything I did - so I finally went no contact with her. Best thing I ever did. Wish I’d done it 10 years earlier!

Yes, boundaries retain the sanity. @HoppityChicken I shouldn't be amused by the thought of Post Office Man running scared, but...

My mother doesn’t have a good word to say about anyone. All I ever hear from her is relentless bitching and ripping down of extended family, neighbors, people in our village etc. She is also massively paranoid that absolutely everyone in the world is out to get her... the police, the health service, the church, the government, the local council, retailers, all service providers- basically everyone!!! It’s exhausting and really hard to listen to. I dread phoning her as she sucks the life out of me with her whining negativity and people bashing..

The people over the road have used the same colour scheme in their hanging baskets as she has. This is an actual crisis happening right now. Original claims of theft have since been retracted because she finally found the front door keys and has seen that her hanging baskets are still dangling from her property and fully populated with plants. I don't know what more there is to be done but it's not over apparently. I suspect it never will be now.