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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone else has a mother who is relentlessly negative and whiny.

59 replies

Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 12:45

And if so how on earth do you deal with them sensitively?

My DM has always been difficult but has got so much worse over the last couple of years, and it's got to the point that I really don't want to spend time with her. She has decided that I am now her the sounding board for all her problems and just complains and moans constantly.

She is suspect bored, lonely, and struggling with the concept of getting older, but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it other than complain. It's all very trivial stuff mostly , but my DF is baring the brunt of it all and can't seem to do anything right. If he stays at home he's under her feet if he goes out it's not fair on her and she's all alone at home. For context they've never been a couple of who do everything together and she's never been clingy until so I don't understand where this has from?

She lives vicariously through DB and I, and even though we are now both grown adults in our 30's she struggles to see as independent from her and has trouble resepecting boundaries. She has to be in constant contact with us, if she doesn't see us she'll text and what's app and tag is un stuff in FB until we respond. Our lives are changing, we've grown up and it's like she can't accept it. It's like she needs to have constant access to us. She is stroppy and sulky when this is all challenged.

She has no hobbies and only a few acquaintances rather than friends. It's always been like this and has she always really struggled to maintain friendships. I'm sure her life would be different if this wasn't the case, Ive tried to encourage her to do something about it but she won't.

So there you have it. I'm sure I sound really unkind, but she's driving me potty and just being in her presence is draining both physically and mentally. I can feel myself getting very close to blowing my top, because I know people going through the most awful stuff and yet they never ever complain it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 31/05/2019 17:20

I'm considering getting a job that requires you to work over the festive period just to stop it happening.

I know you’re joking, but the choice isn’t an either/or between putting up with her and being miserable to punish yourself for the guilt you feel. Which comes through for me i. Your post.

cptartapp · 31/05/2019 17:24

You don't have to have an excuse or job to not spend Christmas and Boxing Day with her. Just say no. You seem to have been conditioned into an unhealthy model of behaviour.

confusedofengland · 31/05/2019 17:27

Mine is like this & it is incredibly draining. She can't ever seem to say anything nice about anybody, either & seems to feel that she & DF are superior. She is also an alcoholic (discovered recently, suspected for years). I really dislike spending time with her & try to avoid it, but that makes me feel bad because she must be deeply unhappy & surely me feeling like this contributes to it. She likes to look after the DC but I can't guarantee she won't drink to excess & possibly drive while doing so, so I don't allow it (only when DF is there too), which I'm sure she notices & makes her unhappy.

I also dread turning into her & my DC not wanting to spend time with me Sad

Sarahjconnor · 31/05/2019 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 17:35

Oh I definitely feel better when I don't have contact with her! A few weeks ago I went away with work to somewhere that had poor internet and no mobile phone signal and it was two days of bliss! Ive not felt so chilled in ages!

OP posts:
BossAssBitch · 31/05/2019 17:49

Your mother sounds like mine. Mine has also taken up drinking after years of having half a glass of wine occasionally. The drink has made her even more painful, she is not pleasant to be around, very self centred and attention seeking, in an almost childlike manner. I think she has some undiagnosed mental health issues. We have nothing in common. She often calls me late in the evening half cut, with no thought that I go to bed early as am up early doors. She has always been unsociable and critical of everyone. My father won’t hear anything said against her so he enables her behaviour. He won’t accept that she has MH issues that need identifying and treating. He is a difficult character too, but he always has been, my mother used to be very good company Sad

BossAssBitch · 31/05/2019 17:50

OP I also feel much better and lighter when we dont have much contact, although I feel a bit guilty

Squirrelblanket · 31/05/2019 18:09

No mind is the same. She's here with me this weekend (we are just on a train and she's reading the paper while I'm on my phone). She's only been here two hours and I'm already struggling with the equal feelings of frustration and guilt.

Squirrelblanket · 31/05/2019 18:09

*mine

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 19:33

BossAssBitch mine also drinks way too much. She always liked a drink, but has definitely got worse in the last few years. Its probably not helping matters.

OP posts:
grumpycatgrumpycat · 31/05/2019 19:42

Mine is like this - still bitter over my father’s affair and subsequent remarriage over 25 years ago. We’ve (my sister and I) dealt with this since we were 6 and 4 respectively.

Could she have a MH problem? DM has always suffered with depression, but I have to say she refuses to help herself when on medication and even seems to enjoy her ‘woe is me, I’m all alone and poor’ routine.

My sister and I have had to refuse to engage when she gets like this, and just blast her with positivity all the time (I’m ashamed to say I now also just throw the baby at her to snap her out of it 🤦🏽‍♀️).

Out younger brother and sister lost their mum (our stepmum, the love of our dad’s life) at the age of 44 to breast cancer, so we do get the importance of making an effort with DM. It’s just SO bloody hard! Sister gets the worst of it, sadly, as I moved 200 miles away after uni nearer to our dad. I owe her big time!

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 19:48

Yes grumpy I'm sure she has mental health issues. She was treated for stress about ten years ago, but that's the only time she's got help for any issues. I suspect she has depression and anxiety.

OP posts:
JaneGlorianaVillanueva · 31/05/2019 19:52

I've only read your OP not the full thread so not sure if this has been asked and answered.

Is she lonely? Has something happened to affect her such as losing a friend or colleague that has her re-evaluating her life? Not that youd want to think about this but maybe her and your dad are having problems in their marriage?

SaveKevin · 31/05/2019 20:00

Mines like this. I catch myself saying stuff like it to, it’s infectious. It’s horrid and bitter.

Bluerussian · 31/05/2019 20:01

My mother was always negative and it was wearing but she had plenty of good points.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 20:24

I think she is lonely, but she won't do anything about it.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 31/05/2019 20:32

Some people are extra positive, their warm nature rubs off on others. Other people are extra negative, their negativity spreads like sludge. Even when an extra positive person meets these sort, eventually, the negative one will drain them of their light and positivity. There is no other outcome. She isn't like you. And make no mistakes, she doesn't want you to be like you either. You have to stop trying to take responsibility for her life, she can't be fixed, she is who she is meant to be. Don't let her drag you down with her.

HoppityChicken · 31/05/2019 20:46

If she's anything like my mother she's going to be way worse than this by 80! Haven't read through all the responses but has she had her thyroid checked, it can cause extreme grumpiness. If she gets it tested make her ask for a copy of her results too.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 20:49

Right now BlueRussian I'm struggling to remember what her good points are.

OP posts:
Kko1986 · 31/05/2019 21:26

Ok I think i will get ripped apart but here goes
Op how was your mum when you were growing up were you close at all?
The fact she won't get out and do things is on her.

You said something in an earlier post about Christmas how you think she wanted it like it uses to be. Obviously you are correct you are all grown up.

You need to tell her how you feel with regards to constant texting and communication. She will sulk no one like a being told off.

You are frustrated with her but you still love her.

Sometimes I think mums just struggle to let go of their babies

Lordamighty · 31/05/2019 21:41

I have a magic phrase I use when my DM is being negative,
“Stop moaning”
She tries to deny it but it’s hard to deny when it’s true.

Original poster
Ohnotanothernamechange · 31/05/2019 21:55

Honestly Kko1986 no, we weren't that close. She's never ready been there for us emotionally.

OP posts:
Kko1986 · 31/05/2019 22:10

Then as long as your ok to do so set your limits the worse she can do is sulk you are not responsible for her

scaryteacher · 01/06/2019 11:47

Mine is currently punishing me by not phoning me. My crime was to ask if, when she goes for her follow up appointment in June for the cataract she had done in April, she could have the next one done in November as there seems to be about three months wait. I live abroad, so it's a hassle to get back, although I did it, with much expense and rearranging of plans in April/May.

I am moving back to the UK in October, so by November will be organised enough to cope with having her at my house post Op. I said that I will not be going back in October until I move back, as I will be knee deep in removal and travel preps, and house cleaning before the exit survey here.

As she usually calls at least three times a day, I am enjoying the peace and quiet!!!

HoppityChicken · 01/06/2019 11:56

I managed a month of silence last year from mine after not calling her after the dog had had a minor operation that I knew nothing about. it became clear that she'd actually told my sister about it, not me, but she wouldn't back down at that point. I'm just like my father apparently, who divorced her 30 odd years ago. I'll take it.